Nearly 12 year old's reacting v badly to separation: Would love advice

[strugglingmum9]

We've 2 boys -the eldest is almost 12. Their dad moved out a month ago. Drink-related problems. Eldest is taking it v badly: has episodes p'haps 2ce a week of extreme aggression, verbal abuse, destructive - it can be so frightening and uncontrollable I've had to call the police. He's started seeing a therapist but just doesnt want to speak. Am doing all I can to hold it together, be calm, loving, supportive, keep strong, be open but its like walking on eggshells sometimes. Its exhausting and worrying. GPs not much use. I dont know if I should just stick with this approach for a month or so longer or whether I should be taking advice from a pediatric psychologist / psychiatrist. I've a feeling its also linked to onset adolescence and bursts of testosterone. Have tried to help him notice it coming, manage the anger when its there, but nothing is really working. I'd love to talk to anyone with similar or professional experience of what he's going through.

[strugglingmum9]

Thank you - your reply is very comforting. Everything is a balance - every decision feels like a knife edge. I really am trying to give him space, time and love - and I think on the whole I'm doing an ok job. The difficulty is finding ways of stopping him from hurting me, or his brother, or breaking things. Trying to help him find a way through it all. Y'day evening he flipped for no obvious reason, poured a bottle of water into my bed. Tiring but not life threatening. I dreaded this morning and whether it would continue. It kind of did, but in a controllable way. I know he does this with 'me' because he knows I will hold him safe, that he can. But I am so scared of it escalating because I failed to do the 'right' thing. Rant over. Thanks again.

[ditsydoll]

No professional experience here but my dad left when I was 11 and my brother was 13. I remember feeling so hurt and angry at the life we had been left with (my mum had a really bad mental breakdown).

I think the best thing to do is let him talk in his own time, give him lots of support and comfort when he needs it and let him express his feelings.12 is a hard age as it is without a huge life change to deal with too. He will be full of hormones so that won't be helping (I seem to remember a few doors with holes in from my brother)

I was pretty closed off and quiet for a long time after my dad leaving us and seeing my mum go through such a horrible time, I had a hard time as a teenager but I came around. I was never offered counselling but really think it would have helped, if the councillor has any concerns about your sons mental state I'm sure he/she would refer him onto a child psychologist.

Its such a horrible time as your trying to hold yourself and your family together but you will get through it.

HTH