why do i still love my abusive H??

[phoenix2]

hi all

i am only three weeks seperated having got a barring order and got my DH removed from my house. I had to do this because he was verbaly, mentally, emotionally financially and starting to get physically abusive to me. Verbal and emotionally abusive to my dd also.

i am certain and sure i did the right thing for myelf and my dc's. I feel relief at having him out of my life and am enjoying my safe and happy home with my kids. But i was just reading something on another thread and a thought popped into my head that i really do still love my H. Am i bonkers?? How could i feel anything but hate for him for all he has done to me and my DD but i can calmly sit here and say that i love him.

Dont worry am not thinking of going back with him or anyhting like that but i can't understand why i dont' hate his guts instead of how i feel. I feel that if i am going to have a happy future then i have to move on in my heart or i will always be somehow trapped by him and by the past we had together.

Everything i have read so far about abusers and how they operate has been the text book behaviour of my H so i know this is not a unique situation.

I guess i am looking for an understanding of why i am feeling this way - as i find understanding makes it easier for me to accept things.

any psychiatrists out there!!!!!! so confused...

I can't imagine that, when you got with this guy at first, he was clearly, obviously an abuser - that would suggest there WAS something wrong with you. So the guy you fell for, who probably treated you well at the start, is the guy you still have feelings for. By the time your self-preservation instinct started kicking in, and telling you that he was an abuser, you would have already been emotionally invested in him; and that is an amazingly tenacious bond. Please don't feel bad, or stupid, or insane, or guilty for having these feelings - it's a sign that you are a person capable of deep, enduring love, not fickle feelings. Just go now and find someone who deserves that level of emotional commitment; I can assure you, your feelings for your ex-git will fade and pass in time.