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Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Dementia and Alzheimer's

Does anyone put their LO in respite care?

43 replies

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 15:30

My 80 year old mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives with my 82 year old dad.
They have a carer in every morning for an hour or so to shower mum and get her dressed.

Apart from that we (dad, my sister and myself) manage between us. I pop in approx 5 days a week, my sister 2/3 times.

Dad is starting to get quite stressed with it all and is struggling. Mum has become like a petulant toddler at times, will often argue with him (she always does exactly what the carer asks of her though!) and he can not handle it. Ideally he’d want me to give up my job and care for mum all the time but I don’t want to give up my life tbh (I have a dh, 2 teens, a dog and just started my own self employed work. I also struggle with my own chronic health issues).

I have suggested that we look into some respite care for mum, to give him a break. He is a bit hesitant about this but I think it would do them both some good.
I am thinking of ringing around some local care homes in the new year to find out some more info on this.

Has anyone tried this? How does it work? Is it a weekend thing, can you choose the days and can you do this throughout the year?

OP posts:

Report

jannier · 27/12/2023 15:33

You can also check to see if there are any day care our area has a bus that collects people and takes them to a day centre.

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 15:39

Thanks jannier, mum goes to a day centre one afternoon a week but dad won’t pay for her to go any more than that!

OP posts:

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 15:40

Should add I did ring around a few local care homes which offered day centres also but they’ve all shut those services down since Covid hit.

OP posts:

mylittleprince · 27/12/2023 15:42

Yes you can. The first thing though is to establish who is paying. Who is currently paying for the carers?

BathTangle · 27/12/2023 15:44

Yes, my Dad (Parkinson's and dementia) used to go into the local Sue Ryder home for a week's respite once or twice a year: they were amazing and it was a relief for my mum.

The alternative we found was getting a live in carer for a week, which allowed my dad to stay where he was and my mum to travel to visit family further away.

HappyHamsters · 27/12/2023 15:45

Does mum want respite, she has to agree to going and if not is there power of attorney in place. A carehome will ask if she wants to move, agrees to pay, has capacity and is there poa. They won't take her if she refuses to go.

PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2023 15:50

I think it can help to think about what your mum is paying for, not your dad.

Obviously for a lot of couples they run their finances as a unit, and in some cases even before the person with dementia got ill, it was the other person that made decisions on money. So that can be a bit difficult to unpick.

But still, when thinking about day care, the service is for the person with dementia. And even if the benefit is that their carers get a break and a rest, it's still a benefit for the person with dementia as they then have carers with more energy to go around.

So, would it therefore be a good decision for your mum to pay for some more day care, or for respite care? It may be your dad who makes the decision or the payment, but it is your mum's interests and her money that are under consideration here.

Sorry to bang on about this but I think it's important when these sorts of decisions are being made.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 27/12/2023 15:51

My grandma struggled to find something suitable for my grandad in this situation. She found places that could take him for a couple of weeks once or twice a year, but what she ideally wanted was 24 hours off a week where she could relax, get things done, and sleep, before picking him up again.
She wasn't in a great area of the country though, in the sense that there's not a lot of anything. So it might be better elsewhere.

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 15:51

mylittleprince mum has to pay for her own care, she doesn’t qualify for any help.

Thanks BathTangle We have been trying to persuade dad to consider a live in cater, they have the funds and a large enough home but he sneers his nose up at the idea. Dad is a stubborn person, hard to deal with.

HappyHamsters we do all have full POA. Mum often says she wants to go into a care home/wants a break etc.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 27/12/2023 15:55

You mean your dad is too tight to put his hand in his pocket for his wife's care but is happy to get his daughters to do increasing amounts for free? If he wants your mum to have extra respite care he's going to have to pay. In the meantime you hopefully won't allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

NancyJoan · 27/12/2023 15:57

My FIL died earlier this year, with Alzheimer’s. For the two years before, he had been having six weeks per year of respite, all sorted by social services (can’t have been means tested, or they would not have received it). It gave MIL a break, and was the difference between full time residential care and not. She could use it whenever suited her, but wasn’t guaranteed the home she wanted, might have been anywhere in the county, depending on spaces available. Speak to the GP, or social worker if she has one.

BathTangle · 27/12/2023 15:58

My mum struggled with the idea of the live in carer too. Actually what happened was that my dad was booked into the Sue Ryder home so my mum could attend a family wedding the other end of the country, and then at short notice the home couldn't take him (think it might have been a swine flu outbreak?) but my mum was desperate to attend the wedding, so she had to find an alternative.

Day to day we had carers who came in 3 x a day.

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 16:00

PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2023 15:50

I think it can help to think about what your mum is paying for, not your dad.

Obviously for a lot of couples they run their finances as a unit, and in some cases even before the person with dementia got ill, it was the other person that made decisions on money. So that can be a bit difficult to unpick.

But still, when thinking about day care, the service is for the person with dementia. And even if the benefit is that their carers get a break and a rest, it's still a benefit for the person with dementia as they then have carers with more energy to go around.

So, would it therefore be a good decision for your mum to pay for some more day care, or for respite care? It may be your dad who makes the decision or the payment, but it is your mum's interests and her money that are under consideration here.

Sorry to bang on about this but I think it's important when these sorts of decisions are being made.

This is the huge bone of contention my sister and I have with dad.
He is not an easy character to deal with (I have made other threads about him and mum under a different name).
He doesn’t really see spending their money as money spent to help mum. He sees everything as a ‘rip off’, sees everyone as out to take ‘his’ money etc. We pay £50 for mum to go to a day centre for 3 hours on a Wednesday (an an additional £7 for a lovely cooked lunch). He thinks this is extortion because he once watched a tv programme about a day centre in the North of England which charges £50 for the whole day including lunch. But we aren’t ‘up North’ we are in Essex. I’ve told him repeatedly that is irrelevant as we are not in that area but he refuses so many things because he sees it all as a rip off rather than mum being cared for. He seems to think it should all be offered to them for free, he is constantly moaning about how people with no money will get looked after.
It is an ongoing battle which drives my sister and I insane.

OP posts:

HappyHamsters · 27/12/2023 16:01

Does mum have capacity. It seems counter productive not to let her have more daycare, is there free centres and transport, your gp and local groups will have links. Are they claiming attendance and carers allowance. Its for her benefit not his and she should get the care and support she needs, denying that is a form of abuse, are you already using the poa.

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 16:01

ilovesooty · 27/12/2023 15:55

You mean your dad is too tight to put his hand in his pocket for his wife's care but is happy to get his daughters to do increasing amounts for free? If he wants your mum to have extra respite care he's going to have to pay. In the meantime you hopefully won't allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

Yes that’s it sadly.
I am frazzled but have been taking a step back from what I was doing but it doesn’t stop me feeling awfully guilty.

OP posts:

TwilightSkies · 27/12/2023 16:02

She actually wants to move into a care home? Does your dad try and stop it?

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 16:03

Well either your dad wants respite and therefore pays for it or he doesn’t.
Why should you give up your life and income to care for your mum when he won’t give up any of his money?
He won’t pay for her to go to daycare more than 1 afternoon so he’s not going to want to pay for a care home place which will cost £££.
I would start to cut right back on what you’re doing otherwise he will keep piling more and more on to you. You have your own life to live and they have the means to pay for their own care

AnnaMagnani · 27/12/2023 16:04

My FIL used to go to a day centre attached to a care home.

Eventually MIL realised she needed respite so signed him up. It was a very long wait for a bed to be available. She also felt incredibly guilty ... and was too tight to spend the money.

After 1 week she knew she didn't want him home again and he stayed for the rest of his life.

The care home told us this was very common for their respite admissions.

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 16:06

Thanks NancyJoan mum doesn’t have a social worker but I will talk to the GP.

BathTangle I have suggested that we get the carer to come in more but dad won’t pay the money 🙄

HappyHamsters their are not free services for them as they have too much money. I agree that it is a form of abuse and I’ve gently tried explaining this to my dad. He seems to think the government owe them something and everything should be free.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 27/12/2023 16:08

What would happen if/when you were to go on holiday?

At this point I think you either have to engineer a scenario where you don't visit 5 days a week, or wait for an inevitable actual crisis where you are unwell or have to prioritise your DCs or DH.

HappyHamsters · 27/12/2023 16:10

Age UK may help, and have centres near them. I would speak to her gp about a capacity assessment, cars needs assessment, also adult social services might help.

LINDAHOAD · 27/12/2023 16:10

yes a few hours break a week if fine but a couple of days is more beneficial for the carer. if your dad can afford it and your mum pay for more care and they will all benefit and there might not be a need for full time care - when you can see the wood from the trees and have a break every few weeks it becomes much easier a you are more tolerant.

lh

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Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 16:11

TwilightSkies no, she often says she wants to go into a care home because she says she is a burden to us (which she is not). She is at a point with her dementia where she says many things, some make sense others don’t. She will say one minute she wants to go into care then says she loves her home of 50 years and would never want to leave.

Gymmum82 I have cut back a lot compared to what I was doing but she is my mum and was a great mum, I can’t completely give up on her.

AnnaMagnani tbh, this is exactly what I am hoping for, that mum could go into respite, get used to the surroundings etc, dad will see that it takes the pressure off him (and dsis and I) and she will eventually be able to settle in the home more permanently.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 27/12/2023 16:13

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 16:01

Yes that’s it sadly.
I am frazzled but have been taking a step back from what I was doing but it doesn’t stop me feeling awfully guilty.

Show quote history

Take a big step back, stop letting this happen and make your dad realise by your absence how much he's getting for nothing.

ilovesooty · 27/12/2023 16:14

I think an alternative to the GP might be a contact Adult Social Care directly and request an assessment of your mother's needs. You're right - your father's refusal to pay for what is necessary is arguably neglectful and abusive. You're right to try and step back to in terms of providing care. It's just enabling your father's parsimony and feeding his sense of entitlement.

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