How do I stop this

[Lookingfortruth]

I’m new to this so apologies if what follows is a bit rambling...

A year ago today I got caught having an affair. It had been going on for three months with a woman from work. My found messages on my phone. At that time, I broke all contact with the OW and although my wife kicked me out of the house I vowed to do everything I could to get her back.

I stayed at my parents house until December and then moved in to my place. I got some individual counselling for me in January this year and all through this time I was faithful, even though I knew my wife was seeing other people (which I don’t blame her for). It was this way until around the end of February or early March.

At this point, I had somehow forgotten everything I’d read about needing to give the parter space and time and absolutely no contact with OW. At first we started by talking and just being friends, then there was a drunken kiss and it ended up with us sleeping together again. This basically all happened over the course of about a month or 6 weeks.

Since then, my wife and I have been starting to patch things up but I was still friends with OW and I hadn’t told my wife. The next bit is obvious... a couple of weeks ago she found out about the OW still being in contact with me when she called me one night when we were together, after a really nice date in fact.

What makes it worse, is that I lied to try to save my arse (I tried to convince her we just kissed) then deleted all OW messages when my wife asked to see them and went on to wipe of stuff so my wife couldn’t recover it.... I basically tried to bury the thing that was about to ruin everything I was trying so hard to rebuild.

To get to the point, because I didn’t think about wtf I was doing and the impact it would on my wife I have put us back to day 1. She says it’s worse that I lied and I see that.

I have broken off contact with OW again. I love my wife. How do I stop being this man that can’t see the impact of my actions and tells lies.

Am I deluding myself that I have a chance at changing and getting my wife back? I know many other people on MumsNet (men and women) are on the other side of this thread and the advice to them is clear and very often LTB, would value your view too as someone that has made too many mistakes but wants to do better.

[yiskasha]

What a weak little thing.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Wife here. Just to update on behalf of the spineless op (my dh) -today he wasted yet another day for all of us with his snivelling lies and the OW actually turned up at his flat and refused to leave until he finally went to see her. She was pretty pissed off because it turns out he was lying to her as well as me/us this time ( a year ago she was well aware he was happily married but didn't give a fuck) Since before his post here after the second time I caught him lying and then continuing after no-one here gave the poor dear the attention and affirmation he so craved, so he used that as his excuse to go back to the one person that would give it to him. Although I struggle to have all that much sympathy for her- if you choose to sleep with a married man... Them's the shakes. I guess the same applies to me though- everyone on here gave me a resounding ltb and will be clearly saying I got what I deserved for giving him a chance at reconciliation. (can't find the kicking myself emoji)

I would, however, like to say thank you to you all for seeing past the deliberate slut shaming in his OP. That part really pissed me off because his whole post was full of minimising of his behaviour (which was far worse than he described) while making me out to be a tramp. When actually he was actively still having his affair and wanted to detract from that! I did start seeing someone many months after he destroyed my world and broke my foot in the process, but it was something I needed to do and I make no apology for that. At the time I thought I would never be able to forgive, and, as it turns out, maybe that would have been for the best since he has now shown repeatedly that a leopard doesn't change its spots!!!!

On the plus side he has finally come clean and admitted that he was sleeping with her up to and beyond the fateful night she video called him when I was holding his iPad. Until and including last night in fact. And also including the night before we first went to marriage counselling ( and to think I wondered why it wasn't going well?! I am such a mug ) Up until tonight he had maintained that it had been over with her long before that, not only to me, but to friends family and even here. Why he felt the need to lie to strangers on the internet I have no idea. Doesn't matter now since I now know at least half the truth and told him it was very rude not to go back with an update so I thought I should oblige

In answer to the OP. You are a pathological liar. You need help

[HollowTalk]

Oh wow. Thanks for that update. What a loser he is.

[Sunflowerr]

👏👏👏👏

You haven't lost much, wife. What a waste of skin the man is.

[Haireverywhere]

You are not a good person who has screwed up. You are a selfish disrespectful person who has repeatedly made choices you knew would hurt your wife.

Tell her the truth and then leave her alone. I hope she knows she deserves better.

[Haireverywhere]

Wife of OP. You didn't 'get what you deserved' just because you wanted reconciliation. He was given a chance and he blew it. You deserve better and I'm so glad you know it!

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Thank you. He is a very weak man who thought he could have his cake and eat it. Over and over again. The hurt and pain he has caused is beyond words

[Beaverhausen]

@Bedraggledmumoftwo do not apologise for dating after separating from that bottomfeeder. Why not, now go out and enjoy your freedom and find yourself a real man.

Sorry you wasted all that time giving him a second chance but it shows you were the better person and you are right she does not deserve any sympathy, you play with fire you deserve to get burnt.

[LunaLovegoodsRadishes]

@Bedraggledmumoftwo: wow. If I had a tenth of your strength I'd feel invincible. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. You are well shot of him.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Thank you. I don't feel strong, I feel like my world has imploded. Again. I spent the last year hoping I would wake up from the nightmare and just when I thought I might come out the other side he put me through it all over again.

[Haireverywhere]

Wife of OP

Do you have support in real life? Counselling? Friends and family?

You will get through this. Hundreds of threads on here show that women and men who have been shitted on do flourish eventually after this trauma.

[Beaverhausen]

Do not worry Op by him behaving so appallingly just gives you more ammunition for the divorce and I hope you have a good one because he will deserve being dragged from one end to the other.

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

My family live hundreds of miles away and I haven't told them about dday#2 or #3 in an attempt to keep things civil at future events surrounding my children, because as much as he would be out of my life if we were childless, I am still going to have to coparent with him for the next 15+ years.

And my h somehow managed to win two of our joint best friends in the custody battle- despite being the villain. To be fair, I handed them to him on a plate last year when he was ringing me in the middle of the night with his tale of woe and I couldn't deal. Still hurts though. I do have a couple of friends that know the whole story but now I am embarrassed to tell them the latest saga because they already wanted to kill him months ago and will think I had lost my marbles to have been even speaking to him after the July stuff he minimised above.

I am on a waiting list for counselling having gotten myself re-referred in July. Of course I am actively seeing the marriage counsellor- what a waste of time that has been- I thought we were going to work through whether I would ever find it in myself to fully get past the semi-healed year old pain. Then every week I was ranting about a new minimised incident. While In actual fact I was going to counselling with an accomplished and pathological liar who was still actively carrying on his affair with the OW while going through a game of charades. We were supposed to have a session this Friday. I am going to ask if I can go on my own.

[Haireverywhere]

Oh bless you. Have you got your own support thread on here? It's no consolation but you'll get through this like everyone does.

How awful to be treated that way. I hate him!

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Haven't started my own thread yet, been trying to decide whether to start a new one that would require twenty pages of op or revive one of my zombie ones from last year!

Probably won't do anything because I think I've broken my hand punching him and can only type with my left hand!

[SandyY2K]

@Lookingfortruth

You were given the gift of a second chance and all along the affair never stopped.

You need to take a long hard look in the mirror and decide if you're happy with the man you've become.

Try and be a better role model for your children. You've destroyed your marriage, but do the right thing by your DC in maintaining a relationship with them and don't quibble about money in the divorce settlement...after what you've put your wife through.

If you behave impeccably you can at least have a decent coparent relationship with her post divorce.

[wheresthehope]

@Lookingforthruth
Are you finally happy OP? You have some serious issues. what you have put not only your wife through, though I hope she divorces your miserable arse. But you have also ruined the relationship you will have with your kids...they will never forget what you did to their mother when they're old enough they will understand.
@Bedraggledmumoftwo be strong... you deserve so much more than this.

[Scorpvenus1]

LOL

your pitiful.

[MrBrightside1980]

To the OP. I could have written this, as my situation was exactly the same. In almost every regard. Trust me, i went through all the same stages and made all of the excuses to my self under the sun. From someone who has been in the same situation, made the same choices - you were in the wrong, as was i.
You fool yourself into justifying your actions when all along the only person responsible and to blame is yourself.
The devastation and hurt we leave behind will be long lasting.
Im about a month removed from making the same mistake (twice) like you. My ex wife (still married though separated) was quite right with her judgement on my character and actions since we split. Its Narcissistic behaviour. I never wanted to admit it, but she was right. Im now able to see it, but its far too late. All i can hope for is that i am able to be a better person going forwards. Be there for my children and be the father they need and deserve.

For the wife of the OP. Hang in there. Please. like i said, ive caused the same for my ex and children, and to be honest, i hate myself for it.
Hopefully your ex will wake and learn that he has the faults and works hard to try and rectify them as much as he can.

My wish is that given time my ex will be able to be happy and have a fulfilled life with out me, as ultimately that is what she deserves and my children deserve to see their mum happy. I hope that we will one day be able to have an amicable co-parenting relationship.

I hope the same for you. Just my 2 pennies worth