Anaphrodisiacs? Any experience?

[Keepithidden]

Okay, first time poster, long time lurker here. So be gentle please!
Getting a bit annoyed with my libido and wanting to figure out a way to reduce it to make life a bit more comfortable. I.e. less pressure on my wife (not that I exert much I hasten to add), less sneaking off for crafty wanks (hey, if I can;t be honest here where can I?) and less jumping to unconscious judgements and having to bring myself back to reality (or maintain professionalism at least!).

Anyway, for all of these reasons I've been looking into anaphrodisiacs and wondered if anyone had any experience? Specifically with Chasteberry (Monks Pepper). But also with the more hardcore stuff like hormonal drugs.

[JaneinReading]

This is why Islam allows men 4 wives and in the FLDS church you don't get to heaven unless you have three. The long standing difference between male and female sex drives....

Can she not just put up with more than she wants and you put up with a bit less than you need and masturbate the rest of the time?

[AnyFucker]

can she not "put up with" ?

I don't think KIH is up for that, and fair play to him

[Keepithidden]

Interesting idea Jane, I'm afraid I've been raised in a society that values monogamy and, despite my turning my back on a lot of the values society holds, this isn't one of the ones I'm overly happy to let go of.

The problem I have with the "put up with" bit is that in my mind it might as well be voluntary rape. I'm a firm believer in the low-drive partner of any relationship being the one who holds the sexual power, I know this is sometimes debated, but I've yet to be convinced with the opposing view.

Masturbation is great, but it doesn't cement a bond in a partnership, it doesn't increase emotional participation in a relationship. It scratches an itch of course, but that's all really. I've been through a fair amount the past couple of years trying to understand my own personal point of view to sex, what it means to me and the emotional, personal and physical validation of my ego/personality. It has been interesting to say the least and while I have recognised that I do possibly put too much validation on it that isn't necessarily wrong per se. But it may be in my marriage. Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to change it.

I thought that by reducing my libido it may help me to seperate the emotional and physical side of sex and to see where that left me. I.e. was it just the sex I was missing, or was it the validation? The experiment has failed in that respect though.

[HoldenCaufield]

KIH do you think you could persuade your wife to go to counselling with you?

[Keepithidden]

Holden - Great username by the way, although I've never been a fan of the book I always quite liked the character.

Anyway, I have suggested counselling in the past (around about the time I first started this thread), she viewed it as a way of splitting amicably, I have since tried to persuade her that counselling is a pretty good way of learning about yourself, talking about stuff you can't share with people who you know/are invested in. When I did some counselling with Relate on my own she thought it was unecessary and couldn't really understand why I wanted some professional help. She hasn't talked about it or asked questions about what my counsellor and I discussed or conclusions I'd drawn (I told her I'd be completely open about it all). I don't think it is an avenue she'd like to explore. She and her family are very intorverted in that way, mind you so was I until 2 years ago when I started to realise something was wrong.

Having said all that, it will be something I raise in the future, I'm playing the waiting game at the moment. I figure once the DCs are at school then maybe she'll regain some semblance of her own self as a person, then, maybe, she can make a decision on what/how our marriage progresses after that. It's the limbo-period that I'm struggling with at the moment, hence the self pitying crap I'm spouting on here!

[HoldenCaufield]

Sorry to hear that. I suspect it's quite a common problem, but that doesn't make it any less devastating.

I have a number of thoughts but I appreciate the rantings of some complete stranger who knows nothing about you or your wife might not be very useful.

My first thought is - Is she depressed? The PHQ-9 is useful; www.patient.co.uk/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9

My second thought is - Do you make her feel special? Do you compliment her, listen to her problems, support her, do little things for her, have fun together, laugh together, share interests?

My third thought is - Has she gone off you?

Personally I'm not sure I believe in love. I think relationships last because two people get on well together, care for each other, are sexually compatabile, willing to compromise, and lucky enough to change in the same direction as they get older.

I do wonder how much she cares for you if she is not willing to consider going for counselling. It's a horrible situation to be in because you could argue it either way - "If you loved me enough sex wouldn't be that important" or "if you loved me enough you'd be willing to go for counselling". Relationships are about compromise, but it sounds to me like you're doing more compromising than her.

It sounds like this is something that is really getting you down. We all differ in terms of how important sex is in our lives and I guess some people are lucky enough not only to be compatible initially, but stay the same or to change in the same direction as their lives progress.

If you get on well in every other way it seems like a shame to end an otherwise good relationship purely because of a lack of sex, especially when there are children involved. But reading between the lines of your posts it sounds like it is not just the sexual side of your marriage that is not as good as it could be.

I don't wish to seem insensitive, but is it possible she wants you to leave her? Some people can not face ending a relationship and so will just withdraw in the hope that the other party will have the balls to do it. That way they get to be the good guy/girl and don't have to feel any guilt/blame as it wasn't thier fault in everyone elses eyes.

Have you asked her if she is happy with the marriage? Maybe it's time to sit down in a non-accusing way and just ask her. "Are you happy?" "Are you happy with our marriage?" "Would we both be happier if we were no longer together?". You only have one shot at this life and it's too short to drag out a mistake for years and look back at it with regret.

It sounds like you've discussed the sex thing before, and like you say there is no way you can win in this situation unless she genuinely wants to start having sex with you again. You wouldn't be asking her about whether or not she wants to separate purely because you're not getting any sex anymore, you'd be doing it because you genuinely want both of you to be happy human beings. From what you've said at the minute it doesn't sound like that is the case.

[AnyFucker]

KIH, have you seen thread ? You may find it interesting.

[AnyFucker]

sorry messed that up, here

[Keepithidden]

Thanks for your thoughts as Holden. Many people of them have been raised in the threads I started in Relationships last year, don't feel obliged to wade through them though!

I suspected depression, I have asked her if she us happy many times, she always says yes and there isn't any obvious signs of depression that I can see, though I'm no professional.

I do compliment her, tell her she's beautiful, attractive, kind, sensitive, sexy etc. On a regular basis. We did have shared interests, but that has waned recently. Since DCs arrived we are more Parents than anything else. Which I think is the main problem, everything I've tried to reconnect has failed, my counsellor said we hadsexually disconnected. Which leads me to your last suggestion. This could be true.

AF- interesting thread. Not my bag really though. Im quite sold on monogamy!

[AnyFucker]

I thought you were

[HoldenCaufield]

Hi KIH - whatever it is I hope you manage to find some sort of closure on this.

[BoundandRebound]

Might not help but our sex life all but disappeared from when the kids were born to about the age of 6

Then it came back with a vengeance

It's just exhaustion and someone touching you all the time and hormones I think

If you can ride it out, and you love each other you can get it back ..no guarantees but it happens

You sound lovely

Keep off the hormones

[Keepithidden]

Thanks for the responses, sorry about the typos yeserday. Was on a 'phone.

Further to your post Holden, I thought a bit more last night about whether she'd be happy to go it alone. Unfortunately she is financially dependent on me at the moment and I think she views divorce as a kind of 'failure' so even if she did wish to split I'm not convinced she'd tell me. In previous threads Cogito suggested your idea of the talk, she suggested "in sorrow rather than anger". I think this could be the way to end things, but I'm not willing to give it all up yet. There's DCs, history and all that so I want to give it my best shot

Bound - Thanks for your post, it gives me hope. I just wish I knew which route we'd finally end up going down. It's the not knowing that is the difficult bit.

It's interesting that every thread I've started over the past 18 months on this subject has ended up with these two points of view. Admitedly the sample size is pretty small (I've only started three), but the outcomes do seem quite polarised. Never mind, I'm going through a bit of a magnanimous phase at the moment so whatever will be, will be. There's a certain attraction to fatalism as a philosophy.

[Superworm]

This is such is such a sad thread. You sound like a good guy and I'm sorry you're in this position.

Im not sure taking hormones is the answer though. It really is not worth risking your health over.

Does your wife know you are using them? What does she say?

[Keepithidden]

No my wife doesn't know I've been trying hormones, or the herbal ones for that matter. She knows I went to counselling and about the self help books though.

It's at the stage that I'm paranoid about talking about it unless its perceived as a way for me to pressure her. A bit of a vicious circle really.

Thanks for your post Superworm.