Trigger warning my daughter has possibly remembered being sexually abused.

[Mummypig30]

My dd was learning about consent and inappropriate behaviour at school. She has come home and was very quiet.
At bedtime she told me something and I know we should be going to the police but tonight I just need to hug her and keep her safe.
I thought she was safe. I am ashamed that I didn't spot anything and horrified at the thought she might have been hurt. Im going to have to find the courage to tell my husband but I actually think we might have to go to police before I tell him. He will want to go round and would end up getting arrested himself if I tell him what she told me.
Why didn't I put things together. Suddenly some things make more sense.
Has this monster ruined her life?
I don't know what to do from here. I know the vile shit has no access to my kids now but he is a teacher. It makes my skin crawl at the thought.
I know police is the correct thing to do but do I let my young teen take the lead and decide what she wants to do next. She is embarrassed and doesn't even want her dad knowing. She doesn't want to talk about it again. Her memory is blurry. She was only 4/5 years old but she said that during the lesson today it came back as clear as yesterday.
I think the correct thing would be to tell the police asap but I need to do what is best for my girl not joust society in general. I dont want to make things even worse although I'm in shock and can't believe I'm having to think about this.
Dd is worried that she has an overactive imagination but I can't believe that something this vile about someone she hasn't seen in 5 years would resurface now. She is scared the police don't believe her or that she gets labelled as trouble. She just wants to be believed. And as much as I wish this wasn't happening I do believe her.
I might not respond to messsages straight away as I need to sleep and have a clear head to figure out tomorrow.

[Restinggoddess]

Sorry to read this - it must be very shocking for you and understandably your first priority is your DD now
The police have got better at understanding and dealing with historical abuse and so taking a little time to think is not a problem
understandably your DD is now dealing with her memory and is unlikely to want to do anything too soon

Nit sure what to suggest re DH - on the one hand he will pick up on something being amiss but I get that you don’t want him making matters worse however understandable his reaction might be

Good luck OP whatever you decide

[DelphiniumBlue]

Your poor DD.
Please don’t feel you have to go to the police immediately, this happened years ago, and so a few weeks delay while you and DD process this is not going to make a difference. Take all the time she needs.

[jlpth]

I have to be honest, having listened to sexual assault evidence in court.

The victims weren't believed. They were 30yos. All manner of shit was trotted out: they were mistaken, they made it up, they lied, they were in on it together and both lied (the victims were complete strangers to each other, only connected by the person who'd abused them), they were mentally unwell (all complete bullshit) etc etc. These crimes took 5 years to come to court.

If your dd was 4/5yo, her evidence can be torn apart easily due to her young age.

It's fucking disgusting.

If it were my dd, I'd be telling her that I 100% believed and supported her, but my best advice would be not to go to the police, but to try to move on with her life.

On the other hand, it seems there is a paedo with continued access to children.

I suppose it depends how your dd feels and what kind of battle she thinks she can face.

[BrimfulOfMash]

So sorry you are dealing with this OP.

Have a good read through this, which takes you through every step, suggestions for talking to your child, what happens when / if you report, and so on.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-to-do-child-reveals-abuse/

For your DH: absolutely essential that he does not approach the alleged perpetrator, he could in effect tip him off, compromise a potential court case against him, and if he ends up in trouble himself add to your DD’s distress.

[Nicole1111]

What a great mother you must be for your dd to feel safe enough to come to you with this. She’s very lucky to have you.
With regards to next steps it’s worth going to the police to report. It might be that they feel there is not enough of a case to pursue through court but either way they can support you and signpost to other services that can support your daughter as well. It will also be noted on the perpetrator’s file and they can look at his record to explore if similar reports have been made.
When it comes to your husband I think you need to tell him by yourself and then support him to discuss calmly with your daughter that he knows what happened, he believes her and she has absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.

[Siha345]

@jlpth

I have to be honest, having listened to sexual assault evidence in court.

The victims weren't believed. They were 30yos. All manner of shit was trotted out: they were mistaken, they made it up, they lied, they were in on it together and both lied (the victims were complete strangers to each other, only connected by the person who'd abused them), they were mentally unwell (all complete bullshit) etc etc. These crimes took 5 years to come to court.

If your dd was 4/5yo, her evidence can be torn apart easily due to her young age.

It's fucking disgusting.

If it were my dd, I'd be telling her that I 100% believed and supported her, but my best advice would be not to go to the police, but to try to move on with her life.

On the other hand, it seems there is a paedo with continued access to children.

I suppose it depends how your dd feels and what kind of battle she thinks she can face.

I would have said go straight to the police as he is a teacher. Especially as there might be other kids who he abused. But after reading the above I’m not so sure. Having your DD interrogated about something she’s only just remembered might not be helpful to her. She might not even be ready for your DH to know. I feel awful for you both and I’m glad she is safe away from the teacher

[Nicole1111]

Also just to add, it is true that the court process for adults making allegations against sex offenders is horrific and disgusting and conviction rates are low. It is very different for children and young people though as for a start the police who take the initial allegation are highly trained at working with children and young people and handle it sensitively and kindly. They do video interviews in a place that has comfortable living rooms to make them less intimidating. If it did ever go to court there are also special measures to protect vulnerable victims (hence why they use video recordings of interviews so they can be played in court to prevent victims having to give evidence).

[Mummypig30]

Thank you, I'm going to talk to DH today. After work. DD says she is ok, she feels safe as she has no contact with the man. I hardly slept thinking of the times she was in his care. I feel so guilty. Some things make more sense now. Things I just put down to a stroppy 4 year old. I just never dreamed this was actually what was happening.

[RudsyFarmer]

Is it plausible and possible? If yes then report.

[Portach]

I’ve no advice, OP, but I just wanted to say, as someone who was seriously sexually assaulted by an adult when I was nine and didn’t tell my parents because I knew they (1) would be terribly stressed and upset and (2) wouldn’t do anything, because they were terrified of authority, you’re already doing the right thing, in believing your daughter and taking her seriously.

[SoupDragon]

I think I would go to the police. There might have been other allegations made about this man.

[StasisMom]

@jlpth

I have to be honest, having listened to sexual assault evidence in court.

The victims weren't believed. They were 30yos. All manner of shit was trotted out: they were mistaken, they made it up, they lied, they were in on it together and both lied (the victims were complete strangers to each other, only connected by the person who'd abused them), they were mentally unwell (all complete bullshit) etc etc. These crimes took 5 years to come to court.

If your dd was 4/5yo, her evidence can be torn apart easily due to her young age.

It's fucking disgusting.

If it were my dd, I'd be telling her that I 100% believed and supported her, but my best advice would be not to go to the police, but to try to move on with her life.

On the other hand, it seems there is a paedo with continued access to children.

I suppose it depends how your dd feels and what kind of battle she thinks she can face.

Due to her age and the circumstances, the CPS could apply for a section 28 which means she'd be questioned in advance of the trial on video. I think (hope) she'd be treated pretty differently to adults.

[Teaandchocolate2222]

Do you think maybe the school should be aware even if you decide not to go to the police? It might be there have been similar allegations made. I wonder if you tell them that your daughter is not ready to be questioned at this stage but that you wanted to let them know as soon as possible it would at least be something?

[StasisMom]

A school would have to report to the LADO and police anyway.

[Santaiswashinghissleigh]

Ime leave it to the professionala to deal with. And that means telling the police..

[cordeliachaseatemyhandbag]

Support your dd to access rape crisis or similar support service.

Then let them support her with whatever next steps she wants.

Don't force her through a criminal process, it may break her.

However if this man has access to kids you do have a wider duty.

You could make an anonymous complaint not naming dd to his employer and regulating body. That may at least trigger a wider investigation.

It is unlikely dd has been the only victim.

[Fucketyfecketyfoo]

This often happens in schools when issues around consent and DV are covered. Go to the school. It is ESSENTIAL that this man is reported and investigated, most especially if he still has access to children. SS will offer support to your daughter and signpost other organisations if she feels she needs them.

Men like this seek jobs where the will be able to abuse children and be above reproach. Your daughter won’t be the only one I am afraid. She has been very brave. In my experience with safeguarding, your daughter will be believed by SS, who will work with school and the police moving forward.