Urgent need of advice- £2200 gambled away

[LalyRawr]

A friend has gambling issues with online bingo.

Years ago a program was installed on her laptop which blocked those sites completely. Last night she spent 3 hours online researching how to remove the program.

She figured it out and blew away her entire wages (£2200) in a few hours.

She has paid no bills. No rent (which she was already in arrears by £1300), no council tax (which she didnt pay last month either), no gas and electric (on key) and no money for food shop. Due to the bank holiday, her direct debits have already gone out and her account is minus £1500. She does not have an agreed overdraft.

I know the actual issue is her gambling, which she has to sort out, but for now, how the fuck do we even begin to sort this?

I say we, because she is on her way over to mine now. Her credit history is that bad that even payday lenders will not touch her (though clearly I would not suggest this anyway).

Any advice on who she should be contacting, who can help her etc would be very very gratefully received.

Thank you.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Don't apologise. You can't force her to sort herself out. She has to do it for herself.

You can't help her, no one can. The only thing you can do is make sure you do nothing to enable her. I personally don't think it's your place to actively go and tell her family the details but I also don't think you should lie for her. If they come to you ask you directly that's a different story but I think you need to be careful that if you break her confidence she may not come clean to you next time . At least at the moment she is being honest with someone.

I don't know, maybe you should tell them. I just know I'd feel weird doing it and worried that if she closes off from you too she'll be free to get herself in even deeper and will feel justified in her (albeit twisted) logic to keep it completely to herself.

Surely it will have to come out now though. I mean regardless of what access the husband has to her finances and how much of the debt she can hide from him he's going to notice that they don't have electricity or food. Is he just burying his head in the sand do you think?

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Sounds like her dad's got the right idea!

[hermioneweasley]

SHe is an addict. No different from someone who'd steal from their best friend to fund their next hit of heroin or alcohol. Disengage, now that she's fallen off the wagon you are just a potential enabler for her.

[cozietoesie]

What do you think she was really crying about?

Oh - and why are you having to deal with this and not her husband?

[PattieOfurniture]

I have been through all of this with my mum, it will only get worse for her dd as she gets older.
Her husband needs to know, her daughters welfare is at,stake here and he has to make the decision to help his wife or leave.

[PattieOfurniture]

*Their daughter

[AdoraBell]

Both the DH and her mother are enabling her. Until they see that' and stop doing it nothing will change, because she doesn't need to change anything. She needs professional help in terms of counseling to sort out why she gambles, but only she can do that and only when she believes she needs it. Her DH needs to take control of the family finances. Get her salary paid to a joint account that both have to sign to release funds, no cards. From there they can transfer pocket money for her and bills by DD. If they have a joint mortgage he needs to do whatever he can to protect the family home.

What does she need the laptop for exactly? If it's not for work and she won't sell I'd drop a few cups of coffee on it, Oops, sorry, so she can't use it To gamble moré.

Do not let her get her hands on your savings, or any bank/CC cards you have. Short térm, if she comes over with her DD give the child some food but don't make enough To fed her too. Be prepared To lose the friendship once she sees you are not playing her games.

[AdoraBell]

Xpost re the pocket money. Does her dad know what's she's doing? Could he talk To the DH?

[SisterMonicaJoan]

CAB run drop-in surgeries too. You might have to wait a couple of hours but you usually can see someone that day.

But as you said, she's got an answer for why she can't do anything. I agree with a pp who said she doesn't want your help, she wants your money.

If her DH and DM are enabling her (and she is fraudently taking out credit in their names), I think you seriously have to think about getting SS involved. How far will she go to cover this up from her DH?

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place OP but you can't carry this burden or make it all go away for her. She needs to hit rock bottom and I only hope that that her DD can be protected from the worst of it yet to come.

You do sound like a very good friend but you can't deal with this on your own.

[alreadytaken]

you have to tell her husband and he has to stop leaving the finances to her. She should only be allowed a basic bank account and I'm surprised she has more than this if her credit history is poor. You will not help her by keeping quiet now, it might enable her to get further into debt.

The best way you can help is to tell her husband to ensure firstly that she cant get credit anywhere (CAB may be able to help her husband ensure this), secondly that she doesn't have a laptop and third that she gets psychiatric help to deal with this. Do not enable it by giving her money or even food. I know this sounds dogmatic but the natural instinct to help is a disaster in this sort of situation.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

What a difficult and distressing situation for everyone concerned. I think it is time for tough love - her dh and mum need to know the extent of her problems, and need to make it impossible for her to get at money.

Most importantly, she needs to accept she has a problem, and go to Gamblers Anonymous.

You sound like a lovely friend, OP - and she is going to need her friends.

[specialsubject]

you are very kind - but I fear you will get kicked in the teeth by this addiction too.

tell her family what is going on and ask her to leave before your stuff starts to disappear. The little girl is looked after (very glad about that) and it is now time to step away.

mental illness is not a shame - but refusing and actively avoiding all help is.