Urgent need of advice- £2200 gambled away

[LalyRawr]

A friend has gambling issues with online bingo.

Years ago a program was installed on her laptop which blocked those sites completely. Last night she spent 3 hours online researching how to remove the program.

She figured it out and blew away her entire wages (£2200) in a few hours.

She has paid no bills. No rent (which she was already in arrears by £1300), no council tax (which she didnt pay last month either), no gas and electric (on key) and no money for food shop. Due to the bank holiday, her direct debits have already gone out and her account is minus £1500. She does not have an agreed overdraft.

I know the actual issue is her gambling, which she has to sort out, but for now, how the fuck do we even begin to sort this?

I say we, because she is on her way over to mine now. Her credit history is that bad that even payday lenders will not touch her (though clearly I would not suggest this anyway).

Any advice on who she should be contacting, who can help her etc would be very very gratefully received.

Thank you.

[specialsubject]

you are very kind - but I fear you will get kicked in the teeth by this addiction too.

tell her family what is going on and ask her to leave before your stuff starts to disappear. The little girl is looked after (very glad about that) and it is now time to step away.

mental illness is not a shame - but refusing and actively avoiding all help is.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

What a difficult and distressing situation for everyone concerned. I think it is time for tough love - her dh and mum need to know the extent of her problems, and need to make it impossible for her to get at money.

Most importantly, she needs to accept she has a problem, and go to Gamblers Anonymous.

You sound like a lovely friend, OP - and she is going to need her friends.

[alreadytaken]

you have to tell her husband and he has to stop leaving the finances to her. She should only be allowed a basic bank account and I'm surprised she has more than this if her credit history is poor. You will not help her by keeping quiet now, it might enable her to get further into debt.

The best way you can help is to tell her husband to ensure firstly that she cant get credit anywhere (CAB may be able to help her husband ensure this), secondly that she doesn't have a laptop and third that she gets psychiatric help to deal with this. Do not enable it by giving her money or even food. I know this sounds dogmatic but the natural instinct to help is a disaster in this sort of situation.

[SisterMonicaJoan]

CAB run drop-in surgeries too. You might have to wait a couple of hours but you usually can see someone that day.

But as you said, she's got an answer for why she can't do anything. I agree with a pp who said she doesn't want your help, she wants your money.

If her DH and DM are enabling her (and she is fraudently taking out credit in their names), I think you seriously have to think about getting SS involved. How far will she go to cover this up from her DH?

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place OP but you can't carry this burden or make it all go away for her. She needs to hit rock bottom and I only hope that that her DD can be protected from the worst of it yet to come.

You do sound like a very good friend but you can't deal with this on your own.

[AdoraBell]

Xpost re the pocket money. Does her dad know what's she's doing? Could he talk To the DH?

[AdoraBell]

Both the DH and her mother are enabling her. Until they see that' and stop doing it nothing will change, because she doesn't need to change anything. She needs professional help in terms of counseling to sort out why she gambles, but only she can do that and only when she believes she needs it. Her DH needs to take control of the family finances. Get her salary paid to a joint account that both have to sign to release funds, no cards. From there they can transfer pocket money for her and bills by DD. If they have a joint mortgage he needs to do whatever he can to protect the family home.

What does she need the laptop for exactly? If it's not for work and she won't sell I'd drop a few cups of coffee on it, Oops, sorry, so she can't use it To gamble moré.

Do not let her get her hands on your savings, or any bank/CC cards you have. Short térm, if she comes over with her DD give the child some food but don't make enough To fed her too. Be prepared To lose the friendship once she sees you are not playing her games.

[PattieOfurniture]

*Their daughter

[PattieOfurniture]

I have been through all of this with my mum, it will only get worse for her dd as she gets older.
Her husband needs to know, her daughters welfare is at,stake here and he has to make the decision to help his wife or leave.

[cozietoesie]

What do you think she was really crying about?

Oh - and why are you having to deal with this and not her husband?

[hermioneweasley]

SHe is an addict. No different from someone who'd steal from their best friend to fund their next hit of heroin or alcohol. Disengage, now that she's fallen off the wagon you are just a potential enabler for her.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Sounds like her dad's got the right idea!

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Don't apologise. You can't force her to sort herself out. She has to do it for herself.

You can't help her, no one can. The only thing you can do is make sure you do nothing to enable her. I personally don't think it's your place to actively go and tell her family the details but I also don't think you should lie for her. If they come to you ask you directly that's a different story but I think you need to be careful that if you break her confidence she may not come clean to you next time . At least at the moment she is being honest with someone.

I don't know, maybe you should tell them. I just know I'd feel weird doing it and worried that if she closes off from you too she'll be free to get herself in even deeper and will feel justified in her (albeit twisted) logic to keep it completely to herself.

Surely it will have to come out now though. I mean regardless of what access the husband has to her finances and how much of the debt she can hide from him he's going to notice that they don't have electricity or food. Is he just burying his head in the sand do you think?

[LalyRawr]

Her mum knows, but frankly is not much better. Her dad controls all finances and gives his wife "pocket money" to spend on the bingo after a pretty similar situation happened to them!

[wheredidiputit]

Unfortunately you are either have to tell both her husband and mum what she has done or lie along with her.

As she has not reached rock bottom and she won't until everyone stops giving her money.

She doesn't want your help she wants your savings.

[LalyRawr]

She deals with all finances. He gives her money every week, but has no access to her accounts.

The £7000 was on a credit card. Colleague paid off wedding & some outstanding loans. Friend is paying back £250 every month straight to credit card.

[expatinscotland]

How can the husband not know? Tell him! Don't give her any money, either. Borrowed £7000 from a work colleague? Wow, where does she work?

[LalyRawr]

Thanks for all your posts, sorry I haven't replied, but she was here, and how I did not kill her I'll never know.

Every suggestion she has an answer to.

"Call the bank." "Why, it's pointless?"
"Call CAB." "But I never get through."
"Sell the laptop" " But I need it!"

etc etc.

The daughter will be fine. She is currently staying at her nan's and they'll probably do a food shop for her.

Also found out it's worse than I thought. She borrowed £7000 from someone she works with, she has payday loans in other peoples names (her husband, her mum etc), she flat out refuses to tell her husband the truth, so God knows whats going to happen when that all comes out.

Basically feeling very fucking frustrated as I had this nearly every month 5/6 years ago, but she sorted herself out, got a degree, got a job she loves, hadn't gambled in about 4 years. Then falls of the wagon in a spectacular fashion.

Thank you for all the advice and I'm sorry it looks like it is all going to be ignored.

[RandallPinkFloyd]

Is there any other family the daughter could stay with for a couple of weeks? I know that's not a long term solution but just a short term fix so she is safe and fed for now whilst something else is sorted out?

In all honestly having the child there changes everything. I really don't see what option there is other than SS. Your friend needs serious help but she has to do it for herself, there is no other way. She has to realise the size of her problem and she has to want to face it.

Her daughter is a different story though, she needs her basic needs to be met right now and if there isn't anyone within the family who can do that then the only option is to do something official.

I really feel for you, you must feel very torn.

[LindaMcCartneySausage]

I second what other posters have said. You can't help her until she helps herself. she's an addict and clearly she prefers the buzz of gambling to thinking about how to make ends meet and feed her DD for the next month. That's what addicts do and helping her out practically or financially enables her.

Can you take in her DD for a while? Where is the girl's father? can he help his DD?

[LtEveDallas]

Could you take her DD in? I wouldn't give her any money, she has to reach rock bottom it seems, but I just couldn't leave a 6 year old to suffer.

If you can't, does she have any family that could?

Practically, could you take her phone/laptop/any Internet advice off her, sell it and recoup some money that way. Sell anything that isn't essential, including TV etc. it's more important that she keeps a roof over her head and food in her belly.

(I've just discovered that an old friend has lost everything including her family through online gambling - we are talking hundreds of thousands - and it's seriously shocked me. Thankfully her children are grown so its only herself that she is hurting now, but her family have been advised NOT to help her AT ALL - she needs it apparently)

[Fairylea]

A gambling addiction of that magnitude is a real mental health issue.

I think you have to contact social services anonymously so they can put some sort of care plan in place for the young child.

[PattieOfurniture]

You can't help her, she has to want to.
My mother has a gambling addiction and from what you've posted about your friend, she sounds identical.
My mum has been bailed out by various people (including me) more times than I can remember, yet she still gambles and refuses any help.
Help her dd, if you can. Feed her etc
But do not help your friend, you cannot cure her and she'll come running back to you when the shit hits the fan next time and the next time ad infinitum

[colditz]

Firstly she needs to flog that laptop, and kill two birds with one stone. Secondly, could you offer to keep her daughter for her while she finds a second job? Don't feel bad if you don't feel you can do this btw.

[maristella]

I have no good advice for the immediate future other than to wring her bloody neck but I'd say that about any parent who leaves their child destitute to finance an addiction.

In the future she could look into a jam jar account from credit unions, they're very good.

If she is committed to making her DDs world a better place she needs to seek help from GA, disconnect from Internet etc. If she can't do this, she needs to find someone, or seek support from SS to ensure that her DD has access to food, warmth, housing etc

[hermioneweasley]

I woukd feed her DD and leave it at that. If she can spend 3 hours working out how to remove blocking software, she can spend time working out what to do about this mess and what to tackle first.