Dp's exw is refusing us access to his kids - realistically when do you think lockdown will be over?

[WhichWitchOfTheWest]

I have namechanged for this

Dp's exw decided at the start that she wanted dp's kids with her no matter what. There are no vulnerable people in either side of the family, but she decided only she could look after them and she was convinced we were not as careful as her (which is v unfair).

My employer actually let me work from home a week before lockdown and dp runs his business from home (which he can't work on in lockdown anyway as it's related to retail). One of my dcs is at school so at home and one at university but she came back to stay with me.

First of all she insisted we totally isolate for 14 days before we had them, which we did (the first 2 weeks of lockdown), then when we were due to have them, she announced the eldest had a cough so it would not be safe to swap. We speak every night to dp's dcs and never heard her cough.

It seems clear she is going to keep finding excuses. Dp is utterly devastated. It was his birthday too in lockdown and he was in tears about not seeing his dcs. We usually see them once during the week and on the weekend.

We have spoken to our lawyer but he said because she keeps making up ill health the only way to disprove it is to get a doctor to confirm the kids are ok and no doctor can do that at the moment. He has written her a legal letter and she has totally ignored it.

I am trying to keep dp's spirits up but I think realistically, we are only going to get to see them after lockdown and even then, I can see her still insisting we aren't as careful as her fgs so when do you think lockdown will be over and we will be able to see them again?

[carriebreadshaw]

How old are the kids? What do they think?

[ivebeeneaten]

I am surprised so many think there is no impact for children missing contact time with one parent. This is an anxious time for all of us, it's easy to miss the impact on children but they have their own fears and worries too - even before adding in missing their parent.

Children in separated families have already had a huge blow to their security and stability re parents. My ex and I have always worked hard to minimise that and try to focus on their needs. During Coronavirus we are also working hard to make sure they come out of this time as best they can and that includes their mental well-being. And actually for the nation's children their mental health is most at risk. I think it is very important that they continue to see both of us.

[40somethingJBJ]

My 14yo hasn’t seen his dad during all of this. We did initially talk about access, as per government guidelines, but it was making me very anxious as ds’s dad is still having to go out to shop etc and I’m asthmatic, plus I’m still providing some care for my 72yo father with COPD, plus another elderly relative, and I’m terrified of a) catching it myself and being incapacitated when I’ve got people relying on me, and b) carrying it to their houses. Ex-dp and I have discussed all this and have decided between us that it’s best that we don’t add to the problems by moving ds between houses. They’re texting and video calling and will have as much time together as they want when all this is over.

[ivebeeneaten]

carriebreadshaw surely what the kids think will to a large extent reflect how much worry they have picked up and how well they have been helped to manage that by the adults in their life?

[Heyallyoucoolcatsandkittens]

I’d rather my DC weren’t going to their fathers house.

I’m a key worker, ex is a key worker and his wife is a key worker. We’re all being exposed to god knows how many possible infections because I go to work in A&E and then come home to my kids, kids go to the dads and then they are exposed to everyone he’s seen and their step mum who is a teacher managing a hub school. So the exposure rate when they come home back to me is huge.

He wasn’t having any of it though and demanded his right to see his kids. Fuck anyone else!

[Missmonkeypenny]

@WhichWitchOfTheWest
Similar situation here. My DH is a paramedic, ex DP and his wife both work in hospitals too. For that reason, DD (5) isn't going over there until the lockdown is over. Yes, shes at risk at home with DH working but that risk is tripled by both of them being key workers too and we've all decided its for the best that she stays home with me as a) its safer b) its where she usually is 6 nights a week a c) i also have DS 3 months to consider too. They facetime regularly and he reads DD a story at bedtime most nights which she loves.

I'm sorry your ex isn't more understanding and putting the children's safety first.

[Glaceon]

My kids arent coming to mine and I'm their mother. My suggestion. I'd rather not risk them but I guess other people see the parents needs as greater.

[lunar1]

I don't know a single family in real life right now who are continuing with contact schedules. They are all having with children with just one parent. Allowing contact isn't a safe option, but the government would have been demonised if they banned it.

[ivebeeneaten]

I guess other people see the parents needs as greater.... or you could read the comments some of us have posted about considering our children's needs. Why must people assume worst motives?

[WhichWitchOfTheWest]

The dcs are crying on FaceTime and asking why we haven't bothered to come and see them. We normally see them a lot. They are primary school age. I have no idea what the dm says to them about why 'we aren't bothering'. My dc's father lives abroad so they obviously aren't seeing him in this time.

And for those of you saying it's a short time, this is my point, none of us have any idea how long this will last! This isn't a joint decision - we believe the risk is v low, she doesn't.

I'm sorry some of you think dp is pathetic for missing his children!

[WhichWitchOfTheWest]

heyall I totally understand that and if any of us were key workers I would agree. But none of us and we are all at home (I'm working at home, her dp is working at home, both Dp and dp's exw work in industries that are shut over this time).

[FrivolousPancake]

The dcs are crying on FaceTime and asking why we haven't bothered to come and see them.

Their fathers drama and hysteria has obviously rubbed off on them, that’s a shame.

It might be worth explaining them and to him the bigger picture. The people who are dying, the frontline workers putting themselves at risk, the elderly people all alone, the people dying alone with no family around etc.

[WhichWitchOfTheWest]

Dp is not upset in front of the children, he wouldn't be like that!

The children genuinely miss him and he genuinely misses them - we normally see them once during the week and all weekend so just under 50% of the time so it's a big change and with all of us at home and no key workers involved, I genuinely don't see the problem with them still coming to see us.

My dc's friends are still seeing their fathers. We haven't heard of any of them being prevented from doing so.

I'm going to leave this thread and mumsnet now. I am genuinely shocked by the anti men and anti father sentiment on here.

[Thighmageddon]

Maybe explain to the dc that not seeing them temporarily is potentially saving both theirs, yours and others lives?

[Sosadandempty]

Mine are also not seeing their Dad. Even if people are working from home there is still a risk going to the supermarket. Why take any more risk than is necessary.

[Sosadandempty]

If they were with him when the lockdown started then I would accept the reverse.

[Cabinfever10]

I wonder what sort of view the courts will take of rp who behave in this manner.
If there is any sort of justice it will be a very dim view

[TheStarryNight]

This might sound harsh, but also, try to stop being so critical of her if you can. Maybe she is genuinely scared right now, a lot of people are. It sounds like you don't like her but it is what it is.

I think there should stop being so much need for drama here. A bit of sympathy and compassion on both sides could look very different.

Genuinely, I do think on this situation that the kids staying one place is the “erring on the side of caution” option. The quid pro quo would be an extended stay with their dad at the other side of this.

Just stop playing tug of war with the kids. Even if it means the other side ‘wins’. I think King Solomon covered that one.

Just be glad they have a mother who loves them enough to want to keep them safe and a dad who loves them enough to want to see them. Plenty of kids don’t have either. Proper grown ups acting in good faith will find an oath through this easily, not running off to solicitors at the drop of a hat.

[Youmeandborisbee]

For goodness sakes, tell your dh to stop being so dramatic.

No way a mother would be told this. Mumsnet double standards as usual

[Oxyiz]

If they're crying over Facetime then your job is to reassure them. I wonder if they are definitely picking something up. Because if their dad was grinning and waving every day, getting on with it, cheerfully saying how much he loves them - no it won't be very long, and when schools are back he can see them again - then there's no way they'd be sobbing on the phone every single night.

[Flower1309]

@frivolouspancake why are your responses so aggressive? you sound incredibly bitter

[Oxyiz]

I don't think the courts will blink twice at mums who keep their kids at home saying they've had symptoms.

[Doyoumind]

As someone who has been through court with an abusive ex who is not a good father, and as someone with health issues, I still think it is unreasonable for children not to move between houses at all where the distance and risks are minimal. The courts will see through unjustified restrictions on contact if cases are brought afterwards to put orders in place to ensure contact continues in subsequent lockdowns. Cases can still be brought to court even now. This period is not going to be short.

[Mascotte]

I feel for your DP @WhichWitchOfTheWest.

I’d be devastated too not to see my dc for weeks. Mine lives with me and is going to his father’s as usual.

Yes, I’d I prefer him to be here under my watchful eye. But it’s not fair to him. Plus it’s a change of scene from being stuck with just me! He’s a bit old to do fun activities or sports with his mother. No siblings.

I think there’s loads of hysteria on here and if it was the others way round people would be saying the dad was bad.

[JackJackIncredible]

Some real aggression from some people who seem to be taking this very personally. Major projection!

OP, I understand your point and I think the ex isn’t being fair. I appreciate she may be anxious but only you know if this is genuine or if she’s using this for control.