Really struggling with guilt about not being able to "parent"

[thepeopleversuswork]

So I know that in the scheme of things I'm very lucky, first world problem compared to the many frontline people.

But I am really struggling with the guilt of having to work from home more or less all the time and not having any time to devote to my DD.

A little thing happened earlier this week which really made me feel shit: a well-meaning friend who is a SAHM dropped some food off in a socially distanced fashion and my DD asked her if her kids were playing a specific video game at the moment. Friend said "no, they're not allowed to go on screens so they don't know about this." I said in a crestfallen way that that option wasn't open to me as I was working. How shit did I feel?

DD essentially has to be on a screen a substantial part of the time or I can't work. Yes I do break it up a bit with enforced reading, time in the garden etc. But generally speaking she requires more input from me with these things. The beauty of a screen and the thing which makes it so dangerous is that they are able to stay on them longer, allowing more work to be done. If I take time out every half hour for home schooling/cooking etc I'm basically reneging on my commitment to work by massively slowing things down.

I know my friend wasn't trying to be hurtful and she has been a wonderful friend in many other ways. And she has her own struggles. But it did make me feel quite resentful that she has the luxury of being able to do all these lovely, ersatz Victorian childhood things with her kids and to feel superior to me because I have to shove mine in front of a screen in order to be able to guarantee enough undisturbed time to be able to work to pay the mortgage.

In the scheme of things its a minor whinge. But I do feel at the moment there's a real divide between those of us who can afford not to rely on screens and those who basically can't work without them and I feel fucking awful that I'm having to do it to my kid.

[thepeopleversuswork]

Yesterdayforgotten you’re right about that! Everything we do as mums is always going to offend someone.

[Danceswithwarthogs]

I think if her track record is a genuine, kind person who doesn’t say things intentionally to put people down, then I think you just have to assume it was unintentional.

I’m the kind of person who lives with her foot in her mouth and often replay conversations later.... “I hope she wasn’t offended when I said this, or thought I meant that, or thought I was criticising her.... etc etc” It’s possible this is how your friend feels now.

Don’t feel guilty, it sounds like you’re doing great. I usually work p/t and am furloughed so should have the best of both worlds but I am still finding I need to escape the children at times (even just in the kitchen on my own for 5mins) and have learned if they’re content to let them be, rather than trying to impose anything more than a loose structure. The main thing is they’re happy and particularly when screen time gives them access to their friends it is a real help.

We’re going to be doing this for a long time and are all finding our feet. What I would suggest is not so much concentrating on “Mary poppins” time, but make sure you stay connected. Maybe aim for a period of time every day where she has your full and undivided attention (not half looking at your laptop or whatever) and aim to sit down to eat together. I have been walking dog with my eldest when others in the bath and it has been lovely to connect that way too.

And give yourself a pat on the back that you are spinning so many plates and everyone is ok

[Kuponut]

Mine have spent a silly amount of time on screens this last few weeks - but DD1 has been recording videos for her class learning platform of how to do various things in fingerspelling and Makaton, and lots of coding games and the like. Right now though the world is crazy as hell and what the kids need more than any worthy curriculum is a parent who gives them a cuddle and listens when it gets to the point it's got sad for them (they're missing their friends and their routine after all) and tries to just make it as calm and together as possible.

[CrapAndInfirm]

I'm not having to work long hours from home and have been glued to animal crossing myself.

My teenage daughter is playing the same game on her switch a lot too. She does other stuff but I'm not limiting her screen time. I'd be a hypocrite if I told her to turn the switch off and do something else when I've wracked up over 100 hours on it myself since the game came out a couple of weeks ago (Dd has about ten hours)

I'm actually playing with other MNers and have gotten to know so many lovely women as well as. Being able to play so much and interact with people is a privilege for both me and my teen and anyone judging can fuck off.

Each family is different and will be coping in different ways. But for me, a daft game has helped my me two health and eased my anxiety more than I'd ever have imagined. Don't feel guilty, we are all doing what we need to get through, you're a great mum and like all of us, are doing what we need to do to get by.

[CrapAndInfirm]

I don't think you're friend is the bitch people seem to think either. My sister is very strict with her children and has said similar in the past to my dd if she's asked "have you played this" Shes not being an arsehole when she says they aren't allowed to and I don't feel bad. My sister is a great mum too.

[Pentium85]

OP, there is a reason childcare is available- because working from home and looking after a child doesn't work. It never will.

I have the huge luxury of being a SAHM, and sometimes it hard, but I can't imagine for a second how difficult it would be if I had to work as well. I can only assume I would be pouring biscuits and chocolate over my child to keep him quietly whilst the TV plays CBeebies on repeat.

You're doing a fab job.

Please don't expect to get everything perfect every day, you will tire yourself out.

[ColourMeExhausted]

Yeah...I'm sure your friend is lovely but I'm another one who agrees there was really no need for the pointed statement about not letting her DC use screens. I have a friend whose DD falls asleep watching cartoons on her iPad. Do I agree with this? Nope. Am I going to make a point of saying 'no we would never do that!' if asked? Also nope. Not my business, not my parenting decision. And she's my friend and a really good mum, so I don't want to make her feel bad. Why would I?

OP, these are unprecedented times. If I had to work and look after both DC at the same time, I'd have to give way more screen time. As it is, me and DH are fortunate in that we can split the day between us, so one of us works while the other does childcare, and we make up the lost time where we can. But there are some days when tv hour slips into hours as we just have to get work done!! No choice!

[SomethingOnce]

Maybe she was being smug and/or insensitive; maybe you’re feeling a bit (over)sensitive.

I’m not into screens usually but, between bouts of fighting, mine are all about the screen time. And we’ve done precisely fuck all school work, where normally we’re diligent.

Please don’t give yourself a hard time, OP. We’re all just doing what we can do to get through. Feels like a big deal in the here and now, but we’ll look back and it won’t matter at all

[Lumene]

You are not alone at the moment! I wouldn’t stress it. These are exceptional times.

[TeachesOfPeaches]

I'm a single parent working full time from home and my 4 year old has been watching a lot of CBeebies, Disney + and youtube, otherwise I can't get anything done. Also feel guilty.

[SMarie123]

I hear you, I am using screens more than I would like now. Not even just so I can work but also so I can cook dinner without "help"... tidy up etc.

Do you think she maybe just said it without thinking? She might have had a hard day of grief with kids asking for games and just was a bit more agitated than she should be? Do you think she figured she had said the wrong thing.

Nice that she left food

[thepeopleversuswork]

Thanks all. I know this isn't a time to beat ourselves up about what we do. Just good to be reassured that I'm not a particularly bad outlier.

[BestZebbie]

She might have said 'we don't use screens' to try to explain that she wasn't judging you for watching a particular show/using a particular game....

[moita]

I'm a SAHM. My children have had way too much screen time because I need a break and it's the only way to get things done.

You're doing your best (parenting plus working must be incredibly difficult). In the grand schemes of things this is a short period in your child's life. It won't ruin her. Be kinder to yourself.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

I’m struggling

DS is miserable going into school. He is the only one in his year but he is too young 12 (Y7) to leave at home 5 days a week. He is going in three days the other two I can work a few hours at home

I feel so guilty. And the stress of work is difficult I worry I shall infect him and I don’t feel I leave work behind as I thinking about those who are unwell (thankfully not seriously)

I want to just sleep at the weekend.

I worry how long this shall go on for and ds becoming isolated I have to remember that he seems quite ok actually happy as I’ve no restrictions on screen time at the moment whatever gets us through and sitting at home gaming much of the day is what he wants to do

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

And struggle to be patient with his school work

When ds is being defiant I remind him it’s only us two (and the cat) and we are a little team that have to work together

[iMoan7]

Oh OP I hear you.

My husband and I are both working from home (him full time, me four days a week) with a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old.

It is a disaster. The 2.5 year old discovered the iPad this week and is suitably hooked. They fight like cat and dog because they are bored. My boss phones me several times a day (while the kids scream in the background) and while she makes all the right noises about “oh it’s hard I get that” she is showing no flexibility whatsoever so far. They seem to lurch between tv/iPad and the garden (where they fight).

We have not one minute of downtime in the day. We work in shifts - one watching kids, the other working upstairs. Then we do bedtime and then we work until our bedtime. This is the only way we can get our hours in and meet our targets. Which have not changed. Weekends are a relief but are mainly spent cleaning because the house is a wreck.

I am so tired of all these posts on Facebook who are baking, crafting, home education, look at what a wonderful time we are having. I barely have time to take a shower. I have literally never been more flat out and stressed.

[iMoan7]

I was really stressed with work today and I know I snapped at the kids all day long because of it. I know I did. I actually apologised to my five year old when I put her to bed.

[Yesterdayforgotten]

@iMoan7 so sorry you're having a tough time. I am struggling being on lockdown with a 3 year old and 4 month old, my dh working full time from home and I'm only a SAHM! I feel like we are all of top of each other so I don't know how you ladies do it!! My toddler gets ipad time now (and did even before the pandemic and certainly knows what it is) because I need to feed the baby or get a minute so I couldn't imagine working on top of it!
Sounds like you're doing an amazing job and how awful of your employer who should be more understanding in the middle of a pandemic, I assume she doesnt have small dc herself!

[Yesterdayforgotten]

iMoan7 oh and go easy on yourself, you are working until bedtime in your job and looking after Dc. You need some time to yourself so it isn't surprising you would snap, toddlers are adorable don't get me wrong but also so trying as well at the best of times.

[Fantail2018]

I feel for you and I think people have forgotten what others situations are like at the moment. I'm normally 4 days per week but currently working 5+ from home (did about 17 days in a row) and DH full-time with 2 kids.

I think for me the hardest part is other parents posting their 'look at the amazing baking/craft/maths...' plus teachers sending loads of sugestions.

However spent some time talking to a colleague today who is older and she has the issue of her retired friends calling/texting her all the time and posting pictures of all their projects.

It feels like those who aren't currebtly working have forgotten that some of us are!

At the same time I recognise I've got a supportive DH who is sharing the load and we will both have jobs at the end of this, that we have internet and devices the kids can go on and a wee garden so priviledged conpared to others.