Trying to conceive over 40 part 2

[October1979]

Here is a new thread for us girls

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

Maybe the site update means we can go on forever.....

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

New thread

Trying to Conceive over 40 part 3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/4536770-trying-to-conceive-over-40-part-3

[Marvellouslymadmum]

That's weird - it's on 1003 comments and still working!!

[DOB78]

@traceyann44 you probably won't get a response on here as it stops people replying at 1000 comments. There's a new thread if you haven't joined it already

[traceyann44]

Hi everyone hope everyone’s okay cd 11 for me today think I may ovulate early I have ovulation pains already temps rising a a bit so any day now we’re trying to make a good go of it this month after my cp last month so we’re doing eod see where this leads is and I’ve made a promise to my self to not test early .

[IsabelHerna]

@Marvellouslymadmum thank you!

@JulesRimetStillGleaming hey! are you going for iui or IVF?

[Overlyanxious]

@JulesRimetStillGleaming thats bizarre. I did double donation at the London Women’s clinic. I would assume it’s not illegal at a big clinic. No one raised any issues from doing this. Ideally I would have used my own eggs but that wasn’t meant to be and I would tell any children about their roots and for them to be able to meet their biological parents at 18 if they so wish. In the UK donors can’t be anonymous but I know they can in other countries.

[99pctpractice]

@Lemonbell I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It is so heartbreaking especially when it is so longed for. Sending hugs!

@Kelb79 sending lots of hugs your way as well. It is so hard on relationships, especially as you are probably both experiencing it in different ways. And then to have the work things layering on top of that is even more tricky to balance - I'm guessing his ego is maybe feeling a little bruised. I hope you have managed to be a bit gentle on yourself today and let yourself feel a bit fragile.

@October1979 it sounds like you have given this a lot of thought and I'm sure you will manage this amazingly - it's so great that you have told your parents already. If we decide to go with a donor egg, my parents are probably the only people I'd be anxious about telling because I feel like they might treat a donor egg baby differently from all their biological grandchildren :o( I listened to a couple of donor children on podcasts recently. One was on the 40 and infertile podcast and was someone who had known from the outset and was therefore totally happy and confident about the whole thing, and the other was on I think bfn and had found out when they did a dna testing thing and it brought their world completely crashing around them. They're individual stories and I'm sure every case is different, but it might be worth a listen in case you want to hear some direct perspectives....

[DOB78]

@Kelb79 I'm so so sorry you feel this way and have been through such a difficult traumatic experience. Nothing I say here will make any of it any better the only advice I can offer you is talk, really talk to OH and he needs to be open with you too.
Its a different situation but after our 2 CPs OH shut down and we split up for a few months. I'm not saying its yours but our problem was lack of communication. All we did was argue because we weren't addressing the true issues.
You are so strong and brave and you may not see it now but you'll get through this.
I guarantee you have the support of everyone of us in this group and we're all sending you the biggest of hugs and all the shoulders you need x

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

It was the fertility counsellor who told me this so she might have got it wrong. She wasn’t a great counsellor but you would hope she would know the facts given that that’s what she’s paid for. It was her who suggested donor embryos to me as I didn’t even know that this was a possibility when I raised the option of donor eggs.

[JulesRimetStillGleaming]

Hmm. I was told by my local NHS fertility clinic that it wasn’t possible and so in my case, where I need to use donor sperm anyway, that my option in the UK would be donor embryos as these are left over and would otherwise go to waste and that I can’t create a baby from scratch with no biological connection on either side.

I’ve always known that I will be using a donor of some sort and you really ethically do have to tell the child, especially now with DNA testing so easy to do. It’s hard enough psychologically for donor conceived children who know from the start. The ones who find out accidentally later in life can be terribly affected and relationships damaged.

[Overlyanxious]

@JulesRimetStillGleaming I came across your post and you can get donor eggs and donor sperm in the UK together - it's not illegal. The London Women's Clinic and Manchester Fertility do it (I'm sure there are others). However I don't know if you're referring to something slightly different e.g getting donor embryos or using fresh donations as I don't know about that.

At the end of the day the most important thing for a child is to have a parent or parents that love them so it doesn't matter whether they are biologically related or not.

[October1979]

Trying to Conceive over 40 part 3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/4536770-trying-to-conceive-over-40-part-3

Here is a new thread for us all as this one will run out at 1000 comments

[Marvellouslymadmum]

@Kelb79 I'm so sorry, I didn't see your post when I posted! I'm really sorry you're having a bad time, I do hope you feel better after having a good cry and getting it all out

@October1979 I just read a study that says there's proof that the carrying mother passes some of her dna even to a doner egg! I mean I was on board already as carry a baby means you've literally been the one to give them life but that means that they truly are still a part of you as well 🥺

[October1979]

Aww@Kelb79 I'm so sorry it's such and emotional rollercoaster all consuming. Sometimes it takes for things to come to a head before you can sit down and really talk. I hope so for you. If your OH was sorry maybe he'll be ready to talk. It's hard to see each other hurting. Hopefully things will be better later on. Sending a virtual hug x

[Marvellouslymadmum]

@October1979 that makes total sense! I'm also blonde hair blue/green eyes though my partner has dark hair and green eyes I think I'd have the same issues!

[Kelb79]

@Lemonbell I am so so sorry to hear that lovely. It’s a truly horrible thing to go through, I hope you have good support around you but we’re all here if you need to talk ❤️❤️❤️

im feeling like I’m drowning a little bit today. OH has been horrible lately and it all came to a head last night in a huge row. I don’t know if its this bloody impending due date getting to him too or if he’s completely oblivious to that as the issues he brought up were purely about his dissatisfaction in his situation (he lives in my house and works in my business - I want to make him a partner in it all but I’ve still got my parents quite tied up in things, family business, hugely complex situation 😵‍💫 too long a story!!) I would’ve let him leave last night, it’s all just got too much. But he backed down from it and came to bed later all sorry and cuddly. I’ve had to just get out today, need some headspace. I can’t stop crying 😵‍💫 I’m in such a mess about the “should’ve beens” 😵‍💫
im going to the crematorium in a minute - I want to visit the baby garden where they scattered the ashes. I know I’m probably being really stupid doing this but I just need to do something today. EURGH!!! 😫😫

[October1979]

Aww thank you @DOB78 that is so nice of you to say 🥰. I definitely think it is a slow process. It took me a long time to get here myself and I had to give OH a chance to catch up and took it gently at his pace. I started sharing views on donor eggs with him about 6 months ago as our friend was going through it.
@Marvellouslymadmum Spain is definitely the best results. My friend went there but she is dark hair/ eyes. So lots of donors look like her. They have a lot smaller selection of blonde/ blue eyed donors. I chose Prague because they will have a bigger database of donors that look like me and next to Spain have good odds x

[Marvellouslymadmum]

@October1979 ahh ok! I find it such a minefield when you look for ivf clinics there are just so many!

[DOB78]

@October1979 I've only had this discussion with OH, well tried to and 1 friend from work who is my best confidante. Her friend used donor sperm to have her children so similar circumstances.
Its hard not to forward think isn't it and I guess it's something we need to consider once we're faced with it.
I really hope this works out for you. I've never met you but I can feel your need/want to be a mother and your future child will have a wonderful and loving family ❤

[October1979]

@Lemonbell I just saw your post. I'm so sorry to hear your news. I hope you get your silver lining soon xxx
@Marvellouslymadmum we are going to Gynem. There are lots that look just as good and have similar success rates. I just got a good feeling from them x

[Marvellouslymadmum]

@Kelb79 I don't think the men can ever truly get it! I mentioned to my oh last year that people don't realise how difficult it is to get pregnant when really you only have a few days each month when you're fertile - he looked at me like I was mental 'no surely that can't be true' was his reply 🤦🏼‍♀️ I've given up trying to explain it all to him!

@October1979 ooh that all sounds really good! Do you mind me asking what clinic you're using in Prague?
I read something the other day that said you could still carry a baby through to term perfectly well if you use a doner egg even after menopause! It's definitely put my mind at ease on the whole time limit issues

@JulesRimetStillGleaming im the same, mc 5 years ago and nothing since! It's very odd

@99pctpractice tbh I've just written this month off now, I've stopped temping, using opk and we are just dtd as and when we feel like it, I think it's an anovulatory month anyway so I'm just waiting for af to turn up so we can start again!!

@Lemonbell so sorry to hear of your mc, hopefully you'll be extra fertile and it'll happen again quickly for you

[October1979]

@DOB78 however I can see how it would be different with other children in the mix. It's definitely a personal choice. I don't think any option is wrong. You just need to work out what is best for your child and family x

[October1979]

@DOB78 it's hard to think ahead but I do think I'd be honest with my child from the start as I'd hate for them to find out later on and think I was ashamed. I would want them to know I wanted them so much and my eggs were broken so a kind lady donated one. I would hope they never felt rejected as they were never intended to be a baby by the donor and they would not be here if it wasn't for us finding the donor and using my husbands sperm. Don't know how naive that is?
I've already told my parents and my boss. I don't think I'd be telling everyone but I wouldn't hide it. I would definitely tell my close family and close friends. It helps I have one of my best friends in the last few weeks of her pregnancy through egg donation so I have seen first hand how our friends and her family have been supportive. I also think we will be a great support to each other as we navigate Life and all that it will bring x

[DOB78]

@October1979 October1979 I agree with you 2 years is a long time to keep trying and remaining hopeful.
I've read so many positive wonderful stories from women using donor eggs who wished they done it sooner. As much I hope it won't take us too long its reassuring to know we'll have till I'm 48 and 364 days to make it work. I think if this is our only option to have a baby that will be given all the love we have then it's what we should do rather than have no baby at all and just keep being heartbroken every month we aren't successful.

I'm a terrible overthinker and was thinking about whether I'd tell other people such as family members about using a donor. I have 2 older children and I'm not sure if they would feel differently about it as realistically they'll have no biological connection. Also I'm not sure if it's something I'd tell our child in the future 🤔 if we use an anonymous donor.........