Like talking to a brick wall

[Juniperb123]

Tried having the when are you ready for a baby chat a few months ago and hit a brick wall with shrugs and "I dunno" I've been with my partner for 7 years now. I tried to have the conversation with him in light hearted ways and in a serious sit down and talk like actual adults but I never seem to get an answer. I am 28 and have arthritis and currently doing fine but I know ill need to decide to have a child sooner rather than later, I don't think my joints are going to cope well with pregnancy in another 7 years time. I'm currently on cerazette and tried to have the conversation about coming off the pill and switching to condoms, so that my body would go back to normal for when the time is right for us to ttc, which led to another round of "I dunno" and shrugging... Feeling a bit down about it all, one minute he say things like "when we have children it'll look this this, or act like that" and the next minute it's like he won't even entertain the idea that in 12 months time we might revisit the "when do you want to have a baby conversation" any ideas?

[Juniperb123]

Update,
Stopped pill 1st april, he said he would rather me stay on it but didn't argue about it. Now using condoms. He seems more interested in spending time with my little niece lately , so hoping things are looking up and he might consider ttc soonish. Hoping the cute parts of babysitting will outway the gross dirty nappy/crying etc and not actually make him want to wait longer. Haven't raised the conversation again as I don't want to be pushy, can anyone think of any subtle ways of bringing up the conversation again, just hate to feel like I'm nagging

[Shortandsweet96]

OP, I think people are jumping the gun way too fast here.

It's your relationship, my OH didn't have a reason, he just couldn't tell me why and now we've been trying 7 months, I still never found out a reason behind wanting to wait. I think it's just cold feet.

Dont put drastic thoughts in your head about your relationship at the hands of strangers on mumsnet.

I know when you want to ask questions or talk it through it feels like your pushing them into a decision they dont want, but try asking when he will be ready, instead of why isn't he ready now.

I explained to my DP when he said he would be ready in the new year (it was 2 months away' what's going to change between now and then? What's going to make you so ready then? But sure enough new year came around and hes set and ready and happy to be trying. Men are strange.

You know him better than us, go with your gut instinct.

[Cherim90]

I'd be telling him if he can't tell you what he wants or doesn't want or might want in the near future then why are you wasting your time? He needs to be an adult and actually talk to you 😕

[Preggosaurus9]

Call him out on it.

"Need more time to think? You've had 2 years."

Living in your house, you're the breadwinner, he hasn't proposed and you're justifying his lack of committment with wanting to save money... your money! .. What is so great about this guy?

I'd be binning him off tbh. He sounds like a manchild.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

if he gave me a reason I could work with it, but he doesn't

That's the point. He doesn't want to work on this. And your clock is running down so you need to make a decision about how long you're willing to wait.

[Juniperb123]

He won't ever say why he is not wanting to try for a baby, any time it's been brought up he just fobs it off with its a big decision, I'll have to think about it, no proper reason, I've tried several times to get an actual reason from him, if he gave me a reason I could work with it, but he doesn't

[Kinsters]

Is there a particular reason he doesn't want a baby at the moment? You sound pretty sorted in terms of where you're living etc.

I'd imagine that the key point he took away from your conversation was "I don't want to TTC right now" and so his need to make a decision was kicked into the long grass again..

[Shortandsweet96]

My DP has always been vocal about wanting children by the time he was 30.

Hes nearly 32 now, when I decided I was ready I let him know and he suddenly completely shut down and I also got the 'I dunno' phase. It ended up with a couple of frustrated arguments about why he couldn't talk to me about it then we set a date to start trying. It's been 7 months now and no joy. DP also said he didn't believe me when I said it can take up to 12 months for healthy couple to conceive. I'm was a smoker and various other issues that dont make me AS healthy as some fertility wise, so its expected. But he said if he had believed me in the first place he would have wanted to start trying sooner.

I think they just get cold feet when the reality of it all sets in. Give it time:)

[Juniperb123]

The conversation last week was basically along the lines of I would like to stop the pill and start using condoms. I want to be able to get my body back to normal as the last time I came off contraceptives I didn't have a period for more than 6 months. If you decide that you want a baby in a year or 2 I would like to my body to be back to normal so I can actually get pregnant. I told him about my sister struggling once she came off the pill it took a couple of years and help from the gp to be able to get pregnant and I don't want to have to go through that. Im coming to the end of my pills and I want us to use condoms until youre ready. How would you feel about using condoms? I basically got no response, just a shrug and dunno I need to think about it. Today he didn't say much other than "okay" when I said the pack runs out next weekend I'll buy condoms. Then later decided he wants me to stay on the pill... About 18 months ago we were having discussions about children and we both agreed that if I could manage 12 months arthritis flare free, we'll ttc I've now been doing really well and I'm starting to think that he just thought I wouldn't ever be flare up free for that long and he would get a get out of jail free card and never have to discuss it. I'm not even telling him I want to ttc right now, just I want us to think about it in the next year or 2. But his lack of wanting to discuss it now that it could be a reality is really starting to frustrate me. I feel like if I stay in this relationship I may never be a mother, if he can't even think about ttc in the next couple of years. I don't want to throw away this relationship, but it is starting to become upsetting when he has always said he wants children and when my condition settled down he would like to try and now he's acting like we're 16 and I'm asking for a baby and he's not grown up enough to deal with it. I'm struggling to talk to him now, am I just dating a man child who wants to play computer games and do whatever he wants, will he never want to take the next step with me, or will he decide when it's too late for me and then be annoyed that I'm not willing to give him children when I'm older and my condition is worse.

[Kinsters]

Hard to tell from your post but how did you frame it? If you're saying that you'll go out and buy condoms then you're still taking on the responsibility of birth control so he's still not taking that decision himself, right? He's just agreeing with you to continue using birth control but probably thinks the pill is better.

It could be more than fear of decision making though and I'd have a proper serious chat with him about your future if I were you. Late 20s is a totally reasonable time to be discussing things like this.

Its not an ultimatum to discuss if your life plans are sufficiently aligned to make it worthwhile to continue the relationship... it's just a discussion about your future.

[Juniperb123]

Also I don't want to say "if you don't want children then I'm going to leave you" I feel like that is asking for trouble, I don't want him to feel forced into it and then blame me when he has a unwanted child

[Juniperb123]

The previous conversation was that I didn't want him to be ready to ttc in a year or twos time and be unable to because it might take me more than a year to get my body able to do so as I've been on injection or pills pretty much constant since I was 16. The time I came off the injection it took over 6 months just to get some light spotting. When he wouldn't have the conversation last week and kept saying he would think about it, I decided I'd leave him for a week and if he doesn't talk to me about it, I'd tell him that I was coming off the pill in a week and that I'd buy condoms. I've always told him since I was diagnosed years ago that I wouldn't want to be pregnant past 30 so none of this has come as a surprise. I've explained that it can take time to ttc so I would like my body to be ready when he is. But I'm starting to think he never will be, but he won't ever say that he doesn't want children, will just say he doesn't want them now

[Tomtontom]

He doesn't want to have a baby with you in the time frame that you want to have a baby. Sorry, that's what it comes down to though. If you're set on having a baby in the near future, you need to find someone that feels the same.

[lunabody]

What did you say in the conversation? Was it "I want to come off the pill", or was it "I want to come off the pill so we can start trying for a baby in a few months"?

He doesn't seem to have got the baby part, and I think you need to tackle this head on. Don't put the ball in his court for 'when he's ready to ttc' - it doesn't sound like having a child is on his mind like it is for you, so every time you open the conversation he'll say he needs to think about it, and then he's not bothering thinking about it. You've said this is a deal breaker for you - make sure he understands that.

My DH is the same with decisions, takes absolutely ages to get around to anything, and I have to take the bull by the horns to get us moving forward. Annoying that it's always me, but he's lovely enough in other ways that I'm willing to take it on for our partnership. Is it something you can live with?

[Juniperb123]

Now he's decided to have an opinion and said he wants me to stay on the pill as its less risky than condoms sigh I've said both are 99% effective. Feel like shaking him sometimes. Just fed up with conversations that leads nowhere. Feel pretty down about it all, starting to think he'll never be ready for a child and I'm stuck in a relationship going nowhere. He's never had to make any big decisions. I've never wanted to get married as I feel like I'd rather have children and a house together than spend money on a wedding day and he was fine with this. We live in my house, it's the one I grew up in and he's not on the mortgage, so he's never had to make the big life decisions and now I feel like it's coming back to bite me in the ass. It's like now I'm asking him to make a big decision he wants to bury his head in the sand and hope I'll stop asking him

[Juniperb123]

Had the conversation this morning, my pill pack runs out next weekend, I'll buy some condoms. To be greeted with a grunt and sulky "okay."

[AndBeholdAWhiteHorse]

I just want to say that I have been in your position and it is horrible. I felt I had to make the decision alone and whilst I, like you, did not want to "accidentally" get pregnant on purpose I came off my contraception and said I wouldn't be using any. I bought condoms and they don't get used and he knows the score. In a recent conversation initiated by him (I had given up!) he tells me he is actually a little excited.

It may not be the way you want it done but give him the choice and see what comes of it. Just be prepared that it may not be the way you hope. I was "lucky"??!

[Juniperb123]

No I'm not the kind of person to get "accidentally pregnant" which is why it's so important to me that he actually has a conversation with me

[deathbycats]

That sounds awful OP. If he's not saying he wants a baby, you need to assume he doesn't. Given that he knows your medical situation, he's been very mean to not tell you outright what his position is - possibly he knows that you wouldn't choose to be childless to stay with him, so he's sticking his head in the sand over it.

If I were you - I'd come off the pill to allow your body to adjust back (tell him, obviously, and use condoms instead), and lay it out that having a baby soon (or not) is a deal breaker for you, and that you don't have time for him to be having a think and never actually discussing it.

Yes to the PP who says don't "accidentally" get pregnant. It'll be a pain in the arse having a man like this forced into fatherhood - you say the worst he does is be lazy and stay up late playing video games. Tolerable now, nightmare when there's a baby involved.

[Bumpingalong84]

I agree with @Kinsters. I gave my husband plenty of warning before coming off the pill four years ago. I told him the exact date I was coming off and told him on the day, 2months later we were pregnant. He was so very excited and scared. We are now TTC number 2 if he had it his way we would already had one by now 😂 he is baby mad. He just needed that little push because I think they can be so scared but deal with it differently. It worked for us, I hope you get some sense out of him soon 🤞

[RooKangaroo]

I'm sorry, OP, that sounds so hard and frustrating. You must feel like you're in limbo and not sure what to do.

I agree with others above about putting your cards on the table and forcing it out into the open more. He's clearly had some time to think about this and if the conversation keeps going away he'll think (naturally) that he can keep doing that for a while. So I don't know if anything will change unless you change it x

[Juniperb123]

I'm not sure I could stay with him to be honest if that meant I would never be able to have a child. That would leave too much of a hole in my life. I just don't know if he would ever be on board with trying for a baby. Even though he says he would want one at some point, but will never specify when

[Palace13]

Unless he actively says to you that he wants to have a baby, you have to assume he doesn't. Or certainly not yet.
Is he your soulmate who you couldn't live without, so you'd be prepared to give up the idea of motherhood to stay with him?
If not, it's time to put your cards on the table: "I want to have a baby, it's not negotiable for me, and because of my health I don't want to wait".
You have then been absolutely honest with him, and the ball's in his Court.
If he doesn't come back with an enthusiastic agreement you have your answer.
Just don't fgs, "accidentally " get pregnant. It could work out, but chances are that way misery and resentment lie.
Good luck. You're not being unreasonable to want to be a mother!!

[Kinsters]

Just try telling him you've come off the pill and see what he does. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If he really, really doesn't want kids he can make that decision to use condoms or pull out. If he's just fence sitting then he'll go along with it.

My DH was probably a fence sitter when I got my coil out and for the first few TTC cycles but now he's really excited to start our family (if it ever happens - 8 months, 2 chemicals and 1 miscarriage down the road).

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I think he's saying loud and clear that he doesn't want a child. And he's stringing you along knowing the clock is ticking.

Would you stay with him if he said that he didn't want a child at all?