How to have a baby- help please!

[Harriett]

I am due (my first) in a few weeks and am starting to get a bit nervous about the whole thing- I find it difficult to discuss my feelings with the midwifes as they are so matter-of-fact about the whole thing, ie. don't worry, you'll be fine, happens all the time etc.
I have asthma and am concerned about having an attack in labour, especially as the last m/w told me that salbutamol is actually used to slow down labour- so obviously made me worry that it would prolong labour and be very distressing.
Any tips on how to stay relaxed would be very gratefully received as I think it would be my best chance of staying in control and avoiding an attack.
Thanks!

[RoseBerry]

Vicdubya is right - I went in thinking I wanted all the drugs they could give me, and progressed in a way that by the time I was in delivery it was too late. And I am so glad it happened that way! However it happens for you, you'll get through it.

[vicdubya]

Harriet..glad you are feeling so much better about things!

I just wanted to say please do not think that being too late to have an epidural is a horror story!

I was too late because my labour was quick, I dilated rapidly, and didn't have time to as much as change my clothes at the hospital before I was up on the bed pushing (my choice!).

Everyone has a different experience, there will be good and bad aspects, but everyone gets through it because of the end result!!!!

Good luck!

[Harriett]

I am feeling really positive about it all now- I have just seen my asthma nurse and apparently at the moment have stonger lungs than most unaffected women- I guess all this clean living (ie no booze and no smoky bars etc) have done me the world of good. I feel ready to take on the world- well, maybe just my baby for now!
Thanks again for your good advice everyone.

[CarolinaMoon]

hmmm. I'm afraid I'm one of those in the Roseberry/MI camp. My ds was born by cs after a very long labour - nothing I could have done would have changed that. I ended up with a cs and a long and difficult recovery afterwards. It was all a very long way from what I'd hoped for, and what I wish I'd understood beforehand is how little control you have over your own labour. You really do have to just go with the flow and if it isn't working out the way it should, then help (or at least an epidural...) is at hand.

The waiting is the worst bit though (honest ) - it must be doubly bad if you can't get around. Having said that, I just lay around on the sofa like a beached whale watching endless dvds for the last week. Just try and savour the fact that at least you can drink your tea hot now , and it really won't be long til you meet your baby .

[Lolasmum]

Hi Harriet,
The waiting is horrible. It gives you lots of time to worry (that is one of the reasons I've opted to work so long this time!).
You said that wanted a waterbirth, I started off having one with dd and it made the pain totally managable. I'm sure it will help you too. It was only when I came out that I couldn't cope with the pain. I got stuck at 8cm for quite a while so I had an epidural and almost immediatly felt the urge to push. As I had the epidural late on, the pain didn't completely go it just took the edge of it and gave me a renewed sense of energy so that I could push. I would be happy to have the same sort of labour again (but perhaps quicker please). I was deterimted pre going into labour not to have an epidural, but in the end I was glad that I did. My main advice is to be flexible.
Best of luck,
Lolasmum

[Harriett]

I should also add that I have a fantastic husband who is totally supportive and is ready to fight my corner with my birth plan. We have both been quite disappointed with our midwives in general who have given us some conflicting advice and don't seem to have had any time to listen to our concerns. For a long time we felt very alone in our pregnancy (not any more with mumsnet I have to say!)and it makes me think that my labour will be as good as the midwife who attends me...

[Harriett]

thanks again... I am laughing about roseberry's post birth message- albeit a little nervously!
(I'm not going to think that far ahead!)
thanks for the lovely long message of encouragement basketcase- As for enjoying the last few weeks, to be honest, I am really bored having done all the preparation I can ages ago as I am far too organised for my own good practically. My bag has been packed for weeks! I have high blood pressure at the moment so I have to rest up, which is torture for me as I am usually a really busy person and can't sit still for too long. I think that this is where all my anxiety stems from, the fear that I can't control what's about to happen, and of course worrying that everything will be OK with the baby and me. I think I'm having an Oprah moment!
You have all given me really practical advice that I will use so thanks very much- please feel free to keep it coming!
and good luck mogwai- I'll keep a look out for your birth announcement this week (fingers crossed!)

[motherinferior]

Ahem...I have to say I'm rather in agreement with RoseBerry's first post. And indeed I should have added to my first post that if you don't look at your baby for the first time and feel 'ah, it's all been worth it' you are not alone - after my first birth I just wanted everyone to go away and leave me to sleep. Including the baby.

Just hang on in there. There is decent pain relief if you want, and it does usually work well. And the first few weeks and months are difficult, but they do pass. I know that sounds rather dour, but I now have two children and I can tell you that they delight, amaze and illuminate my life.

[homemama]

Gosh RB! I'm sorry that your post birth experience was such a bad one but it doesn't have to be like that.
Harriet, yes you will be sleep deprived but you'll also be in awe at this little life that you have produced. You may have initial difficulties with BF (If you choose to BF) but the advice of a good MW or BFC should help sort that out.
Physically, your body does need time to recover. Don't push yourself and take all the help offered.
A supportive husband or partner can make the world of difference. It is a physically exhausting time but just take it easy and enjoy your new family.

[RoseBerry]

Sorry, should have been clear that I was being slightly tongue in cheek! My after-birth experience was not so terrible, but it was worse than labor in terms of the pain scale. Probably because it was a combination of all the various pains and body shock/adjustment and it went on a lot longer than labor did. And, unlike labor, which we do tend to focus on and worry about and attempt to prepare for, I was totally unprepared for what was going on with my body after birth. Hadn't a clue that any of that would be happening. Labor is hard but it shouldn't be looked at as the 'end' of pregnancy, if that makes sense.

Didn't mean to frighten anyone - it is all good, really, and the sheer joy your baby brings you is worth it all -- and that is a joy that never really stops, it only increases as your child grows.

[KiwiKate]

Goodness RB, no need to panic the poor woman, it's a difficult enough time as it is.

Not everyone has such a terrible after birth experience. And you forgot to mention that you have an amazing little baby that makes it all worthwhile.

If it was truly unbearable no one would ever have more than one!

[RoseBerry]

I will let you in on the big secret of motherhood that no one ever tells you. They let you fret and worry and panic over labor as if that is the biggest challenge. Ha! Labor is nothing compared to what comes after!

Nature has a good way of helping with labor; no matter how painful and awful it can be, it has an ending, whether it is 12 or 2 hours. You can and will get through it and when you do, it's done. Plus, when it is done, nature floods your body with all sorts of sensations that make you feel great and you have a baby and you're in the clouds. You will forget what the pain feels like (until of course you have another one). So labor, you can do, and your body/mind has got stuff in store to help you with it.

BUT! Here's the dirty little secret. No one tells you what it's like after labor, which is far worse and goes on far longer!!! I would trade labor any day for the first couple weeks post-birth. Your body is in shock. God forbid you have tears or hemmroids or both, and heaven help you when you have to go to the bathroom. And if you are breastfeeding? I mean, nature is great to help you with labor but gets the last laugh when you are trying to recover from birth and you have a small baby gnawing at your sore nipples. And then, you don't get to sleep, so you are also sleep deprived, along with everything else. It is pure hell.

So I mean, you'll do fine with labor. Even the whole of the pregnancy is easier than the first couple weeks after-birth. Although, in fairness, at least you aren't going to be throwing up or trying to walk around on swollen feet anymore.

There's one other secret of motherhood no one tells you: you'll never make fun of adult nappies again, the first time you have to laugh, sneeze or cough post-birth on a full bladder.

You'll be fine. And good luck!

[mears]

Harriet - there have been good mesages of advice here. I really think you should speak to your midwife again and inpress upon her how worried you are. She should be able to help you.

I am concerned about something you posted earlier - that you needed to be 5cm to get in the pool. You should be able to get in the pool at any dilatation of the cervix. Yes labour may progess better if you wait till 5 cm, but some women dilate very quickly. In our audit we have women entering th epool at 0.5cm and having a waterbirth.

We used to have that guidance but realised that women themn opted for diamorphine or epidurals which were a biger intervention in normal labour than going into the pool. The danger is that going into th epool too early can slow down the contractions. If that happens, you just get out again to return later!

[basketcase]

Harriett - just found this thread. How are you feeling about it all now?
I remember telling my mw to hit me over the head as hard as the worst contraction as I just needed to know exactly how much the worst pain would be I was so worried about it all.

You have had loads of great advice here. Try to remember that the actual labour and birth is only a tiny tiny part of having a baby - after nine months carrying this child and years and years of time to come, try to put it into perspective and see it as a means to an end rather than a huge event in your life. In realistic terms, we are talking hours, at the most a couple of days, not long when you think about it.
For me, it was the uncertainty of it all - how long, how painful, what drugs, water or not water, when to go to hospital, would I know when, what happens if it turns into a c section etc. etc. TBH though, it is not so important how you have a baby, just that you go through it and come out the other side with a lovely little baby that is going to rock your world.

Things that helped me prepare for mine -
write a careful and detailed birthplan, discuss with mw and dh/dp/friend. Now put it to one side and don?t worry if it doesn?t go exactly as planned, the process of planning helps you to organise your mind and consider options rather than set and limit your choices.
Enjoy your last few weeks being pregnant (if possible). Whilst the next stage is going to be wonderful, exciting and full of unbelievable love, it is also going to be full of exhaustion and disrupted sleep. Enjoy your lie ins, have breakfast in bed, long relaxing baths, a pedicure, manicure whatever you enjoy. Go out for the odd evening meal or visit to the cinema - it could be a little while till you do these sort of things for a while.
Take some photos of your growing bump - when you look at your jelly belly afterwards (will tone up honest) it will be great to remember, so quickly do you forget.
Prepare a relaxing cd of your favourite tunes for labour. It is nice to do something practical to prepare for the big day.
If you like aromatherapy, worth getting in some relaxing and uplifting scents such as lavender and chamomile. I really benefitted from adding lavender oil into my baths in those first early days as a new mum - promotes healing and is restful and relaxing.
If you haven?t done so already, plan and pack your labour and birth bag. I loved doing this and helped me feel much more prepared and less anxious knowing it was there for when I needed it even if the baby arrived a little early.

HTH - plenty other things but probably have bored you enough

[mogwai]

the comments by motherinferior and homemama are really helpful. I'm also about to have my first, in fact I'm overdue, and I sometimes feel I'm going to pieces having watched too much Discovery health and listened to the inevitable horror stories (which btw I have vowed never to do to somebody else - I think it's quite selfish to tell a nervous first time mother how awful your labour was, then say "it's all worth it in the end" to make up for scaring her witless - she will remember every last detail of the horror bit and it was your experience, not hers).

Good luck Harriet, fingers crossed for both of us

[Harriett]

no wonder you are a happydaddy if that has been your experience of childbirth!! I have fully prepared my dh to feel the pain as well!

thanks for all the advice everyone, I certainly feel more confident. Just need to try and wean myself off desperate midwives now!

[HappyDaddy]

You need a man's perspective. Don't worry at all, it's completely painless. One little cough and it's all over.

I'm not trying to offend, just thought a little light heartedness may help you relax a bit.

No? oh, ok then.

[homemama]

Hi Harriett, I just wanted to let you know that I too was terrified having heard so many horror stories and watched too much discovery health channel!

My midwife told me there was no scientific evidence but lots of annecdotal evidence that preparation makes a difference. She suggested the raspberry leaf tea and massaging the perineum with wheat germ oil. She also told me to keep upright and moving for as long as I could bare it.

Despite being huge, I walked miles in the last week and when they started, I used tens and the birthing ball which was fab.
Finally went to hospital when they were 2mins apart and too painful to cope with at home. One and a half hours later I was fully dilated and 50mins after that, he was born. Gas and air and no stiches.

It did hurt, but strangely you cope with it much better than you imagine when you are actually there. My midwife told me that every contraction is one closer to seeing my baby and that really helped.

Go with an open mind. Be prepared to take pain relief if you need it - thats why it's there. It bloody hurts but it's also the most exciting and amazing experience.
I would say, prepare as much as possible, keep as active as possible and do what ever you need to make it the best experience possible.
Good luck. x

[KiwiKate]

Hi MI - I absolutely agree with you! There is no failure in childbirth (I don't think that any woman who has had a baby would argue with that!!).

My point is really that many women do give birth without pain relief and whatever someone decides should be THEIR choice, not foistered on them by the mw or whoever (as mine tried to do to me). A woman's body is DESIGNED to have babies, and although you may not personally agree, it is a physiological fact that your body does release natural pain killers during the birth process (it is part of the biochemical changes that take place in your body during birth). These are certainly not as strong as the drugs out there, and do not mean that labour will be "pain free", but they do exist.

There are many scare stories about birth out there, but there are also many positive ones. It is totally individual and no two births are the same.

You need to do what is right for you. And I absolutely agree that you need to have an open mind and go with whatever happens on the day. Things never work out exactly as you planned/hoped and to be too set on something is setting yourself up for disappointment. I found it helpful to have a preferred plan, but that did not mean that I would not have had intervention if it had been necessary.

Anyway, no one knows in advance what is going to happen, and you might well end up needing a cs or other intervention. You aren't any less a woman or a mother if you need intervention, or decide to have pain relief. But if you choose not to have a particular pain relief (and there is no medical or personal reason that you should have it) then you should have that choice too.

[motherinferior]

Hmmm, I have slightly different advice: don't rule anything out. If you want pain relief, you are not a failure. If your birth does not end up exactly the way you planned, you are not a failure.

The most constructive advice I have had on childbirth was from Sobernow, whose midwife told her 'if you run from the pain, it will only follow you: if you try to tackle it, it will meet you halfway'. Breathing helps. It means your body does not tense up and panic itself into a worse state. It will not eradicate the pain (sorry, Kiwikate, I fundamentally disagree that our bodies rid us of the pain!) but it will help you tackle it. But none of us 'fail' birth.

[KiwiKate]

Hi Harriet, I too decided to focus on positive stories I'd heard. I only plan on two children, so I knew that my opportunities to experience childbirth would be very limited.

I learned breathing relaxation technieques (you can buy a video or audio casette - there are plenty of good yoga ones about that focus on breathing). This really helped.

For me, the best things were moving around (walking slowly) and keeping on breathing and relaxing throughout the contractions. I did have some gas and air mid way through the labour.

Believe it or not, our bodies produce hormones which are natural pain killers. I chose to view the pain as a positive sign that baby was coming soon. I am very glad I did not have other pain relief. Do discuss your wants with your birth partner, though. My mw decided to give me an epidural without even discussing it with me, but I had told DH ahead of time that I did not want one, but that I'd let him know in labour if I changed my mind - So he double checked with me and I did not want or need it. In fact, my labour was so far progressed (mw did not realise how far along I was) that it would not have kicked in before baby was born anyway!

It is your body. Trust your instincts, and make sure people around you know your preferences.

Good luck

[Shayla1]

Hi Harriett.
I too had worries about the birth of my DD my mum suffered from really long labours the shortest being 32 hours and everyone said to me that daughters followed mothers patterns and length of labour (i know now this is untrue). i spoke to my midwife when I was approx 32 weeks coz it bothered me that much I couldn't sleep. I found her really understanding. She explained everything that goes on during labour and birth the types of pain and how they do different things (If this makes sense) I found she really put me at ease and my labour only ended up being 4 hours 23mins and I had no pain relief apart from two puffs of gas and air the whole time (didn't like the way it made me feel so threw at DP when he told me to use it!) I think you should talk to your midwife or someone else who you trust and you know can tell the facts about what's going on and help to inform you about whats happening to your body. I wouldn't focus on the asthma side of things it's quite a common condition so medical staff will be used to asthmatic women giving birth just let them know. Hth

[Littlefish]

Hi Harriet

Congratulations - you're nearly there!! We took a very long time to conceive so when it finally happened (against all medical opinion!), I was absoultely determined to enjoy every single stage as much as possible. DD may be the only child we have, so this might be our only chance to experience pregnancy and birth. So many people tried to tell me horror stories about terrible labours etc, but I just stuck to my own thoughts.

Yes, it is painful. Yes, it can go on a long time. BUT at the end of it, you will have an amazing, incredible baby who will enrich your life forever.

Although my contractions were painful (I had them for 4 days before she was born, because dd was lying spine to spine), I just kept telling myself that they were my baby's way of telling me that she was coming to see me soon.

When I got to the hospital, I put all my trust in my DH and our discussions about the birthplan. I took my big bean bag with me and spent my time moving between a warm bath and kneeling in front of the beanbag. During contractions I walked around, hung onto my DH or waggled my bottom in the air while kneeling over the beanbag. Keeping active definitely helped me. I also used a tens machine which helped to distract me.

I had a waterbirth using only gas and air (yes, it's definitely possible!) and would really recommend it. It was a very positive experience.

Do you have a birthing partner/DH/DP going with you? Do they know what you want? It you are happy to have an epidural or pethadine, make sure they know it. If on the other hand, interventions like that are your last resort, make sure they know that too. You may need them to explain to the midwife if you don't feel up to it.

Giving birth to my DD was the most amazing thing I've ever done. The euphoria I felt afterwards took all memories of the pain away, which is probably why I feel so nostalgic about it!

[Nik72]

and don't fret about the asthma too much - the dose of salbutamol that slows labour is far higher (and given intravenously) than the puffs you'd need for asthma.