DH wants to know what to do during labour to provide support. Hints, tips, do's and don'ts gratefully received!

[reluctantincubator]

I am hoping for a home birth with pool. As this will be DC1, and especially if labour is prolonged, DH would like to know (as would I!) if we can benefit from the might of your combined experience in terms of what you wanted your DH or birth partner to do/say to help. We have read up a certain amount and obviously everyone is different and there is an element of "horses for courses", but but nothing beats personal experience IMHO, and any advice would be gratefully received. My Mum will also be there and at the moment I don't know how their roles might be shared, so if anyone has had a similar experience, I would love to hear about it. (also, how his role might change if I have to change plan and go into hospital) Thanks.

Hiya, I also laboured in the pool for the first bit. Was lovely having music and dim light, the water's such a good pain reliever. Great that your mum's there to give him a break too.

Anyway... my husband did a lovely job in his own way, he shoved a cereal bar or banana in my mouth at evey opportunity, remembered how often to give me arnica/rescue remedy, fed me water through a straw etc, rubbed my lower back and said I was doing well. Given that at my own birth my dad went as far down the corridor as neccessary to not hear my mum (!) I'm really so grateful for that...

But in hindsight there were specific things I needed that unfortunately my midwife didn't provide which I thought she would. I really needed a good "mothering" and to have someone come up to me really close, look me in the eyes and smile calmly, hold my shoulders, and tell me I COULD do this, breathe, imagine each contraction bringing the baby closer, and be really calm etc.
I think they all let me get on with it a bit too much and as a result my thoughts ended at what I was feeling, not what the end result was going to be, and what I was working towards.

You could be the absolute opposite of course, but he's obviously interested from what you've said in providing support, so you could have a talk about how you are likely to react, knowing your nature... Otherwise, with 2 to support you, they can have a chance to discuss how you're coping and what you need at the time?

Good luck

Great advice here.

May I add that after a rather awful time with DD, one of memorable aspects was DP with garlic breath, which was awful. I think I may have had more gas and air so I could breathe!

Made him promise not to have garlic/onions for 24 hours when I had DS. Hope this doesn't sound unreasonable...

Ooh, Jojay, just read your comments about keeping the water coming and remembered that that was DH's most important job during the whole thing was pouring water on me during the crowning bit!!! Poor thing thought he was going to drown the baby. Bloody hell, it helped though!

Sorry

one more thing about a home water birth. A dull thing but necessary - if you are planning to give birth in a pool and don't have a combi boiler you need to ensure a constant supply of hot water as the pools take much more than one boiler can supply unless its huuuuge. eg tea urns
One tiny, little note of caution - I also did the metaphorical stuffing my fingers in my ears and even walked out of my NCT class ( for a cuppa!) when they showed the pictures of a c section cos I didn't need to know. We also didn't even bother to visit the hospital as of course I would have only been going there in an ambulance and wouldn't need to know where anything was! Won't bore you with the detail of what actually happened but lets just say that it might have been an idea to do some basic research such as where exactly the maternity unit was on the hospital site etc etc

just wanted to add - make sure there is a camera near by - although I didn't want "in labour" pictures the two pictures on my profile immediately after the boys were born are my most treasured pictures.

Make sure he's cleaned his teeth.

My dh was 'helping' me with my exaggerated breathing, by breathing all over me. He had eaten garlic. It make me want to throw up.

I didn't want to be touched at all, DH's job was hitting boost on the tens at the right moment, my sister rubbed my feet till transition and DH lost a large chunk of chest hair when I was pushing as he decided he needed to move 'to get more comfortable'.

Do a trial run of filling the birth pool. DH spent the whole time in the kitchen trying to get it filled, eventually the midwife told him to forget it and come and watch his baby being born. He had only got about an inch of water in it due to poor water pressure! It was a quick labour though so he never really stood a chance.

All my dh does is sit there and hold my hand. He knows not to talk or touch my body in any way, as that is really annoying when I'm in labor.

Generally he sits and watching in shock as everything happens.

I have been crying with laughter for the last ten minutes at this thread - especially dilbertina's comments and frogs. Thank you all. As someone who posted a few day's ago about how terrified I am about giving birth, this has given me some much needed relief....

as i am also having my first, i am very glad someone started this thread... if anything just for the funny stories about DH's. the book my midwife gave me has a section for the birth partners so i can pass on some info from that.

1: listen to the mother. she can tell you what she needs.
2: during labour, actively support her, making eye contact, and do the breathing yourself so she can follow you.
3: help her to stay relaxed by touching, massaging, talking and breathing with her, reminding her to move around.
4: when a contraction starts, focus on her. don't let people talk to her while she is having a contraction.
5: when a contraction is over, giver her sips of fluids and help her to move and relax.
6: encourage her
7: if she tells you something is not working for her, do not try and force her to follow you. move onto another relaxation or breathing technique.
8: tell her she is doing great and make eye contact and smile lots.
9: tell her not to worry about the noises she is making.
10: get ice chips, wipe her forehead, walk with her, rub her back and help her with comfort positions
11: if she wears eyeglasses, be sure they are on hand
12: stay with her
13: stay calm
14: you are the liaison for the mother with medical staff so be informed on the birthing plan and be ready to make changes as she feels is needed.
15: you may need to take charge if the mother needs help coping so be calm and say encouraging things
16: hold her tightly but gently
17: tell her to look at you, make eye contact and smile.
18: talk to her between contractions and ask if you are helping her.
19: when she says she can't go on, stay with her, tell her its hard now but that you can make it together, and think of the baby to come.
20: shower together
21: stay with the mother during labour... unless otherwise instructed by her and therefore, don't be offended if she wants to be left alone.

hope that helps... it has me.

in terms of food to be on hand, you want slow releasing energy food like bananas or granola bars and gatoraid to drink. dorset cereals do some really fab granola bars... too bad i can't get them in Canada.

Interesting thread!

From my experience:

DO be on hand to catch your wife as the bed which the trainee midwife put up incorrectly collapses and your DW plummets to the floor with the epidural line in her spine and the baby crowning. (thank god he was in the right place at the right time).

DON'T after the event, regale all your friends in public with stories of the total gutter-mouth your wife became whilst under the influence of gas and air.

and DON'T listen to the doctor stitching you up to come and admire his handiwork, when your DW has specifically asked you to stay away from the 'business end'. I felt like some art exhibit as the two men stared and my fanjo and nodded in satisfaction at each other.

Above all, your partner should be YOUR ally and support. I was so grateful that he was insistent to the midwife that my waters had broken even though she wasn't convinced. An hour later my DS was out. He trusted my instincts above all else.

good grief aphrodite!!! what must have been going through your head when the bed was caving in! crazy!

my midwife says as well that the only person that knows exactly what is going on and knows first if something has happened or is 'wrong' is the woman giving birth so listen to her. hear hear to your DH about the waters. it can be daunting to stand up to medical staff when we put so much trust in their expertise.

DO - understand that you will probably want a massage, then not want a massage, then want a massage, then try and bite his hand if it comes anywhere near you as you do NOT want to be touched at all.

DO NOT - When sent home as the MW say "nothing is happening" fall asleep and knock the phone off the hook, making it back to find that your wife is fully dilated (even though the MWs have said she is not having strong contractions ) and about to be thrown in a wheelchair and dashed to the delivery suite for her "45" minute labour (really - that is what it said on my notes!)

DH got ridiculously knackered during labour (in hosp) as it went on for 4 days, (positive this wouldn't have happened at home) so next time I would make hime go for a sleep early on and get someone else to keep me company.

During the contractions it was Dh's job to crank up the tens machine, and wipe my face with a cold flannel and tell me how much time had elapsed in 15 sec intervals, I knew how long my contractions were lasting so I could counsel myself that I was "halfway through" or I only had 15 more secs and then it would be subsiding etc.

Good luck

DO NOT smirk at the way hospital gown is showing belly-warmer-covered-arse poking out the back.

DO NOT hog the gas and air and marvel at how spaced out it's making you feel.

DO NOT (when DW screams as the contraction monitor strapped to her belly goes off the scale) throw the gas and air back and watch it bounce of her belly, because you think the doctors/MWs are coming back in the room.

I had visions of wanting foot rubs, back massages etc but when it came down to it i couldn't bear anyone touching the bed, let alone me during a contraction!

both my DP and my (fabulous) friend were hungry and decided that curry pasties or something would be a good idea. after they'd eaten and came near me, i couldn't bear the smell so sent them away! one of them went off for mints but that smell was just as bad!

like thenewme, i went completely into myself. i didn't open my eyes at all once i was 5cm

DP was instructed to remain positive about everything. and if things weren't going quite as well as they should be, to try and put a positive spin on it ie NOT "ooh, you're only 3cm" but instead "wow, you're 3cm already"

the bit I am most pleased about is that DP knew that when i started shouting for drugs because i couldn't carry on etc that it meant i was getting close and to completely ignore my requests for drugs!

one more thing (sorry, this is a bit of a random collection of thoughts!), I remember being really irritated when MW and someone were having a chat about something i deemed ridiculous (ie weather, price of plums). Their chat brought me up out of my own safe place in my head. Wasn't the end of the world because i went back again but remember being annoyed at the time!

i guess most importantly, enjoy every second. its a truly magical experience

..oh, and one on behalf of a non-mumsnetting mate:

DO NOT, when the midwife states "I'm just about to part the labia", absent-mindedly offer your labouring wife the lip-salve!

I've had a hb with pool for both of mine. The most important thing dh can do in advance is practise setting up the pool (inc filling it). With dd we borrowed an inflatable pool & we hadn't inflated it properly so it went all saggy & I had to get out. With ds we rented a wooden pool with heater & cover. Dh set it up & filled it the night we got it & about 1mth ago I had a brilliant water birth.... Those pools with heaters are best as no need to keep topping up with hot water & no worries about filling the pool at the start of labour (they come with safe treatments to keep the water clean). Plus you can use them in the last couple of weeks of pg to relax in (only downside is the space they take up!)

Other than that, dh was on food & drinks duty (sandwiches/biscuits/cups of tea for mws & juice cartons for me) tho with ds things were pretty fast so he didn't have much to do. Rubbing my back, holding g&a mouhpiece between contractions & supporting me in the pool when I had taken a bit too much g&a & was convinced I was going to slip & drown were also useful....

Oh tell him not to drink coffee at all during the labor. There is nothing worse than someone in your face with coffee breath.

I think its great that your Mum will be on hand too - I wish I'd had another person in addition to DH. He was fab, but it turned out all I wanted was to hold his hand/arm really tightly the whole time so sadly he didn't get a chance to snack, drink or go to the loo or anything! It would have been great to have someone else around to pass the drinking water (with straw) for me, face-fan for me, snack and drink for him, take over for his loo-breaks etc. I would also agree with non-smelly snacks only and no aftershave! In addition, I'd recommend your Mum knows your birth plan inside out too so she can talk to medical staff on your behalf too, or at least remind dh/dp what you want if he shows signs of forgetting in all the emotion. Wishing you all the best for your birth!

Get him to think of different supportive phrases as my dh kept saying "You're doing really well" so often he ended up sounding totally sarcastic and I kept telling him to f off. It didn't help he was sitting in an armchair in the corner reading the paper and looking up every so often to utter the phrase. He did try to be supportive when the doctor asked him did he want to see ds head when it was out and he rose momentarily from said chair and said "ooh it's tiny" when it turned out he actually thought it was bloody massive.

oh yes the newspaper DO NOT FLICK THE PAGES OF THE NEWSPAPER IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONTRACTION it makes you seem like a callous oaf and that goes for the midwife too. Otherwise they were both fab, although to be honest I wanted to be with someone who had had a baby who could look me in the eye and truly understand

DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to use "reverse psychology". Telling a labouring woman, who is in agony, that "this is ridiculous, we're going home" is really not a good idea, and is likely to send them into complete meltdown.