DH wants to know what to do during labour to provide support. Hints, tips, do's and don'ts gratefully received!

[reluctantincubator]

I am hoping for a home birth with pool. As this will be DC1, and especially if labour is prolonged, DH would like to know (as would I!) if we can benefit from the might of your combined experience in terms of what you wanted your DH or birth partner to do/say to help. We have read up a certain amount and obviously everyone is different and there is an element of "horses for courses", but but nothing beats personal experience IMHO, and any advice would be gratefully received. My Mum will also be there and at the moment I don't know how their roles might be shared, so if anyone has had a similar experience, I would love to hear about it. (also, how his role might change if I have to change plan and go into hospital) Thanks.

[reluctantincubator]

well thanks so much everyone for the brilliant suggestions and some really good laughs (we especially LOL'd a lot at the snorkel suggestion !. They must have been good tips because DH read the thread and was absolutely wonderful throughout.

In my case, he ended up being the person for me to grip onto tightly through the pain, and kept making helpful suggestions to change position etc. Didn't mind me breaking waters all over him. Didn't mind that I asked him to "put that racket off" just two songs into his carefully prepared 15 hour long labour music playlist. Didn't mind rewinding Gavin and Stacey Series 2 Ep 4 for the gzillionth time because i kept on forgetting what I'd just seen. (I know it sounds like an odd choice of entertainment for labouring but it was perfect for me and I had it on in the background for about 7 hours, so thanks James Corden and Ruth Jones.

Meanwhile my Mum was wondeful in just being there and making sure that anything we wanted was done immediately - bringing me mini sized snacks for energy in between cx and fielding calls from family and friends and keeping the pool topped up and at the right temerature, as well as taking over from him to hold my hands while DH delivered the baby (letting it slip through his fingers into the pool despite 20+ years of semi-prof rugby playing - he won't live that down in a hurry.

Rutho your comment was quite near to my heart - its in my labour notes that near the end of the whole thing at the most intense part of second stage when the MW encouragingly told me she could see a lot of the head, I (in my labouring headfugg) misinterpreted or misheard her encouragement and thought she said she could see a large head (which also run in his family) to which I apparently said "Oh don't tell me NOW its got a f*cking Griffiths sized head" I think they deleted my expletive from the notes though.

Anyway, thanks again everyone. Really amazingly useful.

[OrmIrian]

Don't say 'Breathe!'. It is annoying and for the most part superfluous I told my DH that unless I started turning blue it was fairly safe to assume I was breathing thankyou very much! I think he had seen too many births on TV perhaps. Quite sure he's hadve boiled a kettle if there had been one to hand.

[cfl78]

As the wonderful moment if delivery approaches, do consider how you might like to greet you wonderful new baby - i advocate something a little more profound than "it's a baby" - although it entertained the whole of the delivery room, i fear i may never live this down!!!

[elvisgirl]

Get together all the stuff you think you might want - lip balm, snacks, drinks, vaporizer, cds, anything - & go through them one by one very clearly & slowly beforehand with him instructing him how you are likely to want them to be used. If you yell for the "smelly thingy" he might have a fighting chance of knowing what you mean! Having said that I only used one thing out of the two bags I got ready - hideous pink fluffy socks that are in all the photos!

[ruthosaurus]

Hi RI, hugs and best of luck for a fab birth!

My DH was ace but did at one point start talking about how really big heads run in his family. I wasn't really tuned in to what he was saying but apparently the mw was glaring at him and and making great big "shut up" hand signals over my head.

What he did do right was not to look scared at any point so that I didn't catch nerves from him. He was just really calm throughout, even when it didn't go strictly to plan. Because he was genuinely supportive I could concentrate on getting the job done and didn't worry about him, and I feel really positive about our son's birth.

Make sure your DH knows your views on everything so that if you are a bit out of it - not that anyone here would EVER overchug on the gas and air to the point of being totally high - he can work with you and the midwife/doc and know what's going on. Make him learn the terminology and be prepared to question what's going onon your behalf. I felt that I could totally trust DH and knew that he wouldn't let anything happen that I wasn't okay with.

For me, the REALLY important bit is to keep that trust and communication going after the birth and through the first days of parenthood. My DH and I talked a lot about the birth but not so much about the week afterwards and could have done with talking through it a bit more, I think.

[rarebreed]

DP was brill, he reminded me to go the loo every hour or so, he soaked a flannel in cold water and held it on the back of my neck which really seemed to help me for some reason he helped me breathe with the gas and air, i was panicking and not doing it right.

He didn't laugh at me when i wailed and mooed.

But the most important thing was that he was ALWAYS THERE. He held my hand and told me how proud he was of me and how well i was doing when i really wasn't coping very well.

The midwives loved him and said he could come back anytime, they didn't say that to me though, must have been all the mooing

[AnguaVonUberwald]

I haven't read all of these, so this might be redundant, but make sure that DH understands that the midwives around you might not be on top of things, and that he might really need to fight your corner. During my induction I was left screaming while I went from 3cm to fully dilated in an hour and a half, and DH didn't push hard enough at the midwives to get them to come and check me out!

He just thought they would come when they could, when he should have been making them come! - Its not really his fault, but its still something that upsets me when I think about it!

[AliTheBard]

Agree with the suggestion of getting your birth partner to keep a camera to hand, preferably a digital one.

This might sound a bit gross but I got DH to take a photo of the baby crowning, as everyone else in the room had had a good look and I didn't see why I shouldn't see it too.

However, it's very important that you only do this kind of thing with a digital camera as:
(a) you can see it straightaway while you still give a toss
(b) you can delete it straight afterwards so it doesn't get passed round the family with the other 'new baby' photos, and
(c) well, frankly, you really don't want to be taking that along to Boots to be developed, do you?

[fruitful]

Decide with your dh how you are going to make decisions if thing start to go pearshaped. Do you want him to follow your lead, discuss things, ask the mw specific questions, or just make decisions? Dh tends to go all dithery and indecisive at these moments but my decisions in a crisis are usually pretty bad. Such as when I woke up in a huge puddle of blood at 34wks with ds1, and decided I needed a cup of tea. It took dh about ten minutes to realise that actually he ought to be in charge, and to phone an ambulance.

Make sure he knows what to do if things go really pearshaped after the birth. Does he stay with you or go with the baby? We knew that ds2 was going to NICU when he was born so dh was under instructions to go with him, and if ds2 was old enough and well enough to be held, then dh was to whip his t-shirt off and do skin-to-skin.

If you do end up in hospital, your dh will need to go off to phone people to tell them the news afterwards - because you can't use a mobile on the ward. Make sure he knows he's got to get back to you quickly, he isn't going off for a good long chat with his mum ...

Sorry, not terribly encouraging I know! I hope you get your homebirth.

[honeybunmum]

Can you trust him? DD1 was born in hospital birthing pool JUST after DH's job ( given to him by MW as he was looking like a spare part) was to let out some of the water and top up with warmer water to get the temp right. Only DH forgot to put the plug back in and It was too late to get out so I had to reposition myself ( at great discomfort) so our DD could be delivered under some water!!! In fairness he did ok for the next 2, esp DS who he delivered himself. Your DH will have to accept that you will not be yourself during labour, you don't know what you will be like and at NO point should he argue with you (even if he thinks it funny)
talk about his feelings
sigh, tut, laugh or yawn
look at you in the wrong way
check the time
get offended by anything you do/ say
offer you any helpful advice (unless you ask for it)
Am I being unreasonable?

[littleM]

I asked my dp to know how to work the tens so that he could press the buttons while I focused on the job in hand - when we put it on and I asked which button to press he said the wrong one - I was uninpressed.

He asked me which junction the hospital was from the motorway when we went for a tour - I said I didn't want to be asked that ever again, fortunately I wasn't

He kept passing me glasses of water in between contractions which was great as I didn't get a dry mouth with gas and air.

His other job was to make sure any doctors washed their hands before touching me which he did

[Wigeon]

The most useful thing my DH did was just to be with me. I didn't want to be touched / massaged etc but didn't want him to leave my side either! While we were at home he also timed contractions, which I found strangely reassuring.

Would also agree with everyone else who's mentioned food for DH and and the importance of not having hair in the face and making sure your DH knows where the headbands are stored without needing instructions when your contractions are 3 mins apart...

Good luck!

[Monkey2046]

I'd really recommend reading Sheila Kitzinger's "Birth Your Way"- it's really postive about home births and the important supporting role birth partners can play. I got it out of the library and it really helped us- good luck!

[PrettyCandles]

I needed not to be alone, but not to be bothered, either. What I don't need is the least uncertainty or fear from my partner.

Dh was my birth partner each time, but once I was with my dad and my sister for a short period while dh got some stuff organised. My dad was brilliant, because he never let on that he was upset by my pain, or that anything was frightening. My sister recognised that she couldn't put on that 'game face' and so she faded herself into the background IYSWIM and let dad get on with supporting me. Apparently dad was timing my contractions, but discreetly. I didn't notice, which was exactly his objective.

The best for me was when my partner was quietly in the room with me, not bothering me, but ready to leap into action on my demand.

We tried out lots of different actions to help me, so that once I'd identified what worked for me all I had to do was grunt "now!" and he'd do it. With dd this meant standing behind me while I knelt on the floor, and crushing my pelvis between his knees! But you don't find that sort of thing out unless you are prepared to experiment during contractions. I wasn't willing to do that with ds1, and I'm sure the labour was tougher and more protracted as a result.

Dh felt helpless during ds1's labour, despite the fact that I felt him to be my rock, because he thinks he did very little. During dd's labour, OTOH, he was very hands-on, and he felt much better about that labour.

It is also important that your birth partner be your advocate, because sometimes you need them to argue your corner when you yourself seem to have lost all power of self expression. For this you need to discuss openly what you want to do, and what your alternatives are.

Finally, your birth partners must understand that what you say to them under the influence (whether of contractions, fatigue, or Entonox) is to be accepted without laughter or anger.

[Woooozle100]

Do - spray you with magicool. Tie your hair back if stuck to your face. Shrug off any verbal and physical vileness that comes his way. Touch you / don't touch you according to instructions.

Don't - say breathe breathe... don't forget to breathe every few seconds. Or make any remarks along the lines of 'its like a slaughterhouse in here' or 'I feel sick'

Ah dh did it all!

[Amapoleon]

The best thing dh did for me was to fan me. He did lots of other things but this was the most useful.

[ljhooray]

My dh used to be a sports coach and I was a little worried it would all be a bit half time team talk! But he was amazing, he kept tell me how strong I was, how fantastically I was doing , talking me through the contractions and generally being the world's best cheer leader! Personally when the time came, I didn't want back rubs and general fussing around me, I need focus and belief that I couldn't possibly be doing a better job than I was doing. I can't thank him enough.

[slipperthief]

For their 2nd DD, the DH of a friend knew the best thing for him to do (after a huge amount of "get off, f* off, get out of my sight" first time round) was to sit quietly in the corner reading a magazine (FHM I think). Suprised the midwife a bit but he was close enough to be there when he was needed. Both agree it was by far the best thing for both of them.

[kekouan]

also...make sure that he knows your birth plan backwards, so that if you can't talk (could happen) then he'll be able to talk for you.. DP knew what was really important to me and which bits I could let go of, and was ready to fight for them if need be.

[kekouan]

My Dp kept reminding me to 'drop my shoulders' during each contraction (I had to stand up and lean against the wall for each one) and it helped massively... just to remind myself to relax.

[AnnVan]

DP and his mum were with me when I had DS - their biggest task was to rub my back through each contraction. other than that they chatted with me between contractions etc. but then I had a very calm birth experience.

[Twinklemegan]

DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to use "reverse psychology". Telling a labouring woman, who is in agony, that "this is ridiculous, we're going home" is really not a good idea, and is likely to send them into complete meltdown.

[MirandaG]

oh yes the newspaper DO NOT FLICK THE PAGES OF THE NEWSPAPER IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONTRACTION it makes you seem like a callous oaf and that goes for the midwife too. Otherwise they were both fab, although to be honest I wanted to be with someone who had had a baby who could look me in the eye and truly understand