Very worried about pushing after 1st birth

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

Hi everyone
My son is a year old and we are planning number 2 quite soon. Nothing about pregnancy or labour scares me, I found labour quite exciting and feel I would be better prepared for less pleasant bits if they were to happen again (e.g. infected episiotomy). However - the pushing bit is worrying me.

With my first I was in a midwife led unit but had to be transferred due to failure to progress and meconium in my waters. I went from 7cm to 10cm in the ambulance but was then told to wait for an hour before pushing because baby was semi brow presentation. I pushed for an hour, then my contractions stopped, then I was given the drip then I pushed for another hour before I was given the episiotomy and ventouse. I've no complaints about any of it, I trusted that they would do what needed to be done.

However during pushing the midwife kept telling me that I wasn't trying hard enough, I needed to think of things that made me angry and I needed to put myself 2nd for my baby because I was a mother now. I really really tried - so much so I burst blood vessels in my eyes. I stayed calm throughout, I didnt make noise I concentrated on pushing but it just felt to fruitless- he wasnt coming out. The midwife said I needed to give 3 pushes per contraction and I just couldn't manage the 3rd. When he was weighed she said that I would never have got him out by myself.

In preparation for baby number 2 is there anything I can do to make myself better at pushing? I did quite a lot of birth prep but I always assumed pushing was just a case of going for it and clearly I didnt. The episiotomy really ruined my first couple of weeks of motherhood and it was clearly my fault so if I could avoid it 2nd time round that would be great.

Sorry for the essay and any advice would be great. I am aware, btw, that I'm not even pregnant yet and even if I do get to childbirth again I might need a c-sec etc, but this has been playing on my mind.

Thanks everyone. I'd like to try the midwife led unitn again anyway but could I actually request that I dont have her if I have to be transferred? I dont know why I'm thinking about this, I'm not even pregnant yet

You are thinking about it because it is important to you. Therefore it is something you need to deal with. Get a debrief; get a plan in place op. It will be worth it. I promise you, without my dd, my life would be so much less than it is. Actually read 2nd child for dd. Remember it is the 21st Centiry and whilst childbirth will always be hard there should always be dignity.

PS dd is 21, ds is 24. His birth has never stopped being shit; hers put it into perspective and shifted the blame (for want of a better word) from me to them. The midwife was called Liz. Liz was crap, not me.

Biggest hug ever.

There’s no limit for a debrief - you can ask for a consultant review of your notes as relevant to decisions for second birth with any interval. We had an undetected cord wrap here and damage from pushing too hard, sympathies, it takes a bit of gearing up for, the second birth!

I had forceps and an episiotomy with my DD after pushing very hard for a while. I struggled afterwards due to the horrific piles I got from pushing too hard and couldn't walk or sit comfortably for a good few weeks. I dont know if the epidural numbed the urge or if it just wasn't there to begin with. She was back to back with the cord around her neck so maybe as PP have said, my body knew it wasnt going to happen.
My DS was born very quickly at home and nothing on earth could stop me pushing. It was so involuntary even though I didn't know I was actually giving birth at that point. Similar sensation to being sick in a way. Very weird feeling but so much better than the first time. He was back to back also.
A debrief sounds like a good idea, mine was really helpful

Shocked to read some of these stories! My births are all 20+ years ago now but I do remember that the position of the baby is the important thing. It effects the urge (or not) to push, and sometimes, 'push harder' ain't going to do it and intervention is needed. DD1 was a classic posterior presentation, with the cord wrapped around her neck and arm, effectively tying her hand to her head. No one checked her position before I was induced and as a result I had a painful episiotomy and forceps which left me bruised and traumatised. Her brother was in the textbook position, head well-flexed and spine uppermost. The urge to push was overwhelming but I could FEEL him moving down as I pushed, something that just didn't happen the first time. I only pushed for 20 minutes and he was born easily. I do think there should be more checks done on the baby's position for mums today. Scan before inducing, check throughout early labour!
It's awful to read about young women like yourselves going through these things (with unsympathetic midwives) and then having to cope with physical injuries and mental trauma that could have been avoided.

Did you ever try that perinanal (totally butchered the spelling I’m sorry!) massage? Apparently it really reduces your risk of tearing and need for epistomies! Loads of places sell the oil stuff for it and I believe it works wonders!!! I’m so sorry you had such an awful experience it sounds like your midwife wasn’t very nice! I’m sure she just wanted what was best for you and baby but that’s very disheartening for you, I’m sure this labour will be lovely for you as you were so unfortunate last time with the experience!

Ready your story op and others has already made me feel better!

I went in at 4, waters had gone fast contractions but only 4cm I went in the pool till 8:30 everything was so calm and got out to be checked only 5cm by this point I was knackered so had the pethidine and went from 5-10 in about an hour and half so when it came to pushing I was out of it tbf I was still sucking on gas and air and I didn't think I needed to push an hour later.... episiotomy and ventouse she arrived..

But like you the pushing bit scared me for #2 but putting it down to pethedine and aim for next time will be just gas and air

Hmm I had similar, 3 people shouting at me to push, I felt an overwhelming urge NOT to push. Baby was back to back. I was on my back too. They told me baby was struggling, so had episiotomy, venture, 3Rd degree tear. Baby had apgar score of 10 so obviously not struggling that much.
Was left feeling as though should have pushed harder

I’m so sorry you had an awful experience. I had the same, I was told I ‘wasn’t pushing right’. I pushed for almost 4 hours, I even started to fall asleep between contractions by the end, I was that exhausted! It turns out she had her arm stuck, there was no way I could have got her out naturally (the doctors had to yank so hard to get her out with the forceps they caused permanent nerve damage to her arm and shoulder so how could I have managed that with just my undercarriage?!) but I still feel I somehow ‘failed’ based on how I was spoken to that day.

You know your body, don’t let a bad experience undermine your confidence.