New baby and step children?

[RoseWrites]

I'm looking for some advice, please...

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It was an IVF baby so it's been a bit of a labour of love to get here. I live with my OH and his three step children - 13, 10, and 6 - live with us 50% of the time.

I've been thinking about the immediate few days (and week) after I give birth. If I'm like my friends, I'll inevitably have a few weeks of not knowing what the f*k I'm doing, trying to breastfeed, feeling like crp etc. Hopefully all will be rosy, but I'm also realistic enough to know that the first few weeks with your first baby are a bit of a whirlwind!

My OH and i have already said we will limit visits from my family but the one thing I wanted us to discuss is his children. I absolutely adore them and I want them to feel loved and included. Their mum has had two children with her new partner, and it was awful to see them unsettled by this. I want to do all i can to make them feel loved, included, and involved, and ensure that the new baby is not going to upset them in any way.

One way we could do this would be to have them in the house when the baby is born. However, they are very prone to tantrums on a daily basis and are very demanding, and I honestly don't think I could cope with that and a newborn. Maybe if I'd had a baby before I'd know what to expect, and obviously if I did have children then the situation would be different, but as it's my first baby, I'd like what all other new mums have, and that's to know I could have a few days of it just being me and my OH.

This morning I raised it with my OH and said I would like to know that there is scope for some time and space to find my feet when the baby is born. To start with he tried to change the subject and said "let's deal with at the time" / "let's talk about it later", and left the room. This is what he says when he's trying to placate the children, so I found it rather patronising.

I raised it again a few minutes later and he was instantly defensive saying that that they are his children and that I couldn't do that if we were having our second child. I said that I get that, but it's not my second, it's my first, and that i doubt he would have wanted three children in the house when he and his ex had their first baby.

I know I should have stayed calm, but i ended up bursting into tears.

He said "i knew you'd be like this" and that "I always take everything to the nth degree". I tried to explain that all I'm asking for is the flexibility to have some space. He said that they are his children, he doesn't want to "force them out of their home", and that he can cope with a new baby and them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would never normally dream of changing when he sees his children, and it was hard for me to raise this. I just wanted us to talk about it now so we can come up with a plan as the last thing I want is for his children to feel "pushed out". Equally though, I can fully imagine that him "coping" is him being 100% tied up with looking after his 3 children, and me barricaded in our bedroom trying to cope with a newborn. A situation I can totally foresee, and really want to avoid!

Has anyone else found a good way of ensuring step children feel loved and included, but also have managed to carve out some space to recover from labour and bond with a new baby?

[DianaT1969]

I think you brought this up too early with your OH. There are other things to think about in the months ahead and he'll no doubt wonder if a 'them and us' situation is emerging.
Stress that you'll cope with them being there on their usual days if he looks after them. You may even find that they're a big help for fetching things and getting you tea/snacks etc. I hope you can embrace the blended family and not worry about this.
Congratulations on the pregnancy

[sirlee66]

Couldn't read and run.

Congratulations! I'm going to be a FTM too! It's a difficult situation for you, OP. I'm sorry I have no proper advice for you.

Best of luck!!!

[Cb123456]

I had a similar thread the other day.. c section birth DSD was due to come for the weekend 2 days later and I had made alternative childcare arrangements for my 2 year old. You need a few days, this was my second and I Needed that time! You need to establish BF and recover for at least a few days after the birth. I am so glad I didn't have to deal with DSD as I would of ended up losing it with her. You don't want to be holed up in your room feeling uncomfortable. Put yourself first for a few days YOU are the one giving birth so you deserve to be priority at that time x

[Elocutioner]

I don't know why you'd have to hole yourself away in your room to establish breastfeeding and bond.

[RoseWrites]

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate them all :)

I do fully agree that they they are my step children and my family and that they need to feel included and loved. Arguably now more than ever.

In answer to the why would I need to be in my bedroom question. The answer is because i already do this once or twice a month, just for a few minutes at a time. The children quite naturally fill the house when at home. At all times at least one of them is in the sitting room (and like the rest of the population we only have one). One or all or them will be either watching cartoons loudly, building a den with all the sofa cushions or creating an obstacle course out of the furniture. All normal children things, but not a relaxing room you want to sit in after 12 hours at work! :) we do all sit together for part of the evening but I do also sometimes want to sit down and have a five minute breather (I know lots of full time parents will say that's a luxury you can't have, but living with three children is not something I have gotten used to in stages and sometimes I need 5 minutes!).

I imagine (and I might be wrong) that when the baby is small the only relatively quiet place will be our bedroom.

It's a useful suggestion that my OH does all the childcare immediately after the baby is born. However he does try and do this already. For instance last night when I was almost asleep on my feet after 12 hours of work, 3 mile walk on the school pick up, cooking dinner etc he tried to take over for a while whilst I sat down, but if children can see you then will still ask you for things so I got no break. Then this morning the eldest is unfortunately not feeling well (thankfully nothing serious) so he came flying into our room crying at 4am. He did ask for his dad but shouting at 4am is not easy to sleep through! :)

And again I appreciate that there are few (or no!) Breaks when you have 3 children :) and I also know that it's not fair or realistic to expect them to change their behaviour/ways they use their home.

I'm nearing 5 months pregnant so still have a few months to go to get prepared for life with a baby and three children! :)

Thanks again for all your suggestions and support. I really appreciate it :)

[flumpybear]

Don't push the children to one side because a new baby is coming they may resent you and the baby

Get your DH to step in/up and do all the kids things that part of the week and support you and the baby the other part of the week

Whilst it's lovely bonding alone with s new child, you're not going to have that luxury for half the week so just build that into your world and enjoy!

[kitty1013]

I have 2 stepchildren who live with us full time. They were 6 and 10 when I had my first baby.
I am very sympathetic to your situation and understand the slight feeling of jealousy to know it was different for DH's first wife when she had her kids. That your baby won't have the undivided attention of both parents.
However try to see it as a positive. The more you promote the relationship between the baby and your stepkids the stronger their bonds will be and the more harmonious your home.
Yes it's a different experience to first time motherhood without step children. However it is still an amazing, beautiful time. You will be exhausted and emotional but you might find that you carve important memories that really cement your family identity.
I think you are great stepparent to already be planning ahead and worry about how everyone will feel.
If they can't go to their mum could they be booked into a holiday club or something? Just so they are doing some fun activities without you and DH having to facilitate that? (And so they get a break from it being "all about the baby")?
Kxx

[ItsJustCheesecake]

I think it depends how long you don't want them there for?

[Grimmfebruary]

When we had my first (dps 2nd) his first was baby’s first visitor. He still came over as usual at the weekend and stayed with us until just before bed when he then went to grandparents who live a few streets away. We out him to bed. We collected him first thing next morning. His staying at gps was more due to the baby screaming the previous night and I didn’t want dc1 disturbed by the baby.

He is used to him now. It was hard juggling a fairly demanding only child with a tiny baby but he’s besotted with the baby and loves staying over with him now.

[rosieposies]

Hey @op, just wanted to say you sound really lovely, I have 1 DSS who is 5 and I absolutely love him to pieces but I totally get what your saying about needing the 5 minute breather (and that's just with one!). I also think its very reasonable to want to have some space and alone time with your new baby for the first few weeks. I hope the GP's can help you out.

xx

[Glitterbaby17]

I’ve have DD who is 9 months and have DSD who is 12. It is a tough balance to manage between keeping things ‘as normal’ for the older child whilst looking after yourself as a first time Mum and the baby.

In your situation I would emphasise that you absolutely are excited for the step children to meet the baby, and agree for them to visit in hospital as soon as possible. I’d then make point that you can’t be sure how delivery will be and as his parents are 2 miles up the road it would be sensible to make contingency plans for them to support after labour if the older children will be with you - tbh this is what you would do if you had older children anyway! For example could they take the three older ones out for a day somewhere fun, or come round and help them cook a family meal for you all perhaps? So make them part of things but give you some breathing space.

The other thing you could consider is a holiday camp/programme if there’s a good one nearby? See if they might like to go do sports/drama that week - most things run 9-3ish and could give you space and also be fun for them than whole days in with baby? But they would see the baby in the eve so feel part of it. But only if they wanted to fo obviously!

[Winifredgoose10]

The problem is you are not like all other first time mums. You have three step children. While I totally understand this must be annoying, unfortunately for you, to do anything other than carry on as normal is not fair on the existing children, and would make them feel pushed out.
I am about to have my third, and grandparents have offered to have the older two for a couple of days after baby is born. I have said no, as I would feel I was pushing them out, and think the first few days at home should be as a family.

[ElChan03]

I spoke to my dp about this metaphorically as I do not have any children and he has 2 dc full time.
He said he would make arrangement for there to be some space if that's what I wanted and he especially would want to be present during the birth.
I think as a new mum and step mum your heart and understanding is in the right place. But you can only ever do what's right for you and if you need some extra time then your Dh steps up and takes full responsibility for his dc whilst they are at yours and you get to recover in your own time. This isn't your second baby, it's his 4th but for you completely different ball game. Understand how you feel even if I have no practical advice!

[snewton97]

I will start this by stating a few facts.

1. You will love this baby in a different way than your step kids. THIS IS NORMAL AND OKAY.
   
2. You are going to experience a new kind of motherhood that is much more primal and natural. This does not make your relationship with your stepkids any less special.
   
3. You are a fist time mother. This is your first child. You need time to be a fist time mom, and your husband needs to support you as a first time mom.
   

I understand what you are going through. I will be a first time mom soon and I have a SD full time. She is 5 years old and I love her with all my heart. I dont know why people get so up in arms over a SM wanting alone time with her first baby. You are not casting away your stepkids. You will not love or care for them any less after this baby is born. If you can get some space after birth, you should take it.

I will tell you my after bith plan. I will give birth in a hospital and after L&D me and my husband will spend a few hours by ourselves meeting our new baby when I am ready we will call grandma and she will bring my SD in so she can meet her new sibling. I will let her hold her and touch her and have time with her to bond. SD will then spend a few days to a week having a super awesome sleep over with Nana to give me atiquite time to just bask in the glow of new motherhood. We will tell SD that this time will be spent 'getting everything ready for her to come and help us.' After she comes home we will set aside time for her to spend time with us and the baby, but ultimately the majority of her care will fall to my husband and nana.

We are not leaving her out or getting rid of her. We are giving me time in order to adjust to a new kind of motherhood so I can continue to be the best SM to my SD i can be.

As for your husband, you need to sit down and really talk to him. Talk to him when the kids are gone and you have no pressing plans. Tell him how you love your stepkids and wish to care for them untill your final breath, but this new baby is a new kind of love. It is a kind of love you would like to experience without three kids breathing down your neck. Its a new love that you want to experience with him, undivided. Explain to him that you are NOT 'forcing them out of their home', that you are giving yourself time to adjust to a new kind of motherhood so you can give them the best home possible. Ask for a week, and if that is too much for him ask for a few days. Also offer that they spend that time with a Grandparent instead of BM.

As for the kids, making sure they dont feel left out is important. Let them know that this home is their home no matter what and that they are loved deeply. Tell them babies are a lot of work and that you will need time apart from them to care for the baby and that when the baby is ready they can help you. And then let them help in ways that make you feel comfortable, but also set boundaries that are fair.

(I wouldn't mention the time he spent alone with his Ex, and dont compare that experience with yours. You will only become upset.)

I hope I have helped. And from one first time mom to another, I wish you the best of luck.

[user1479487725]

I have no SC but have 3 dc of my own and totally get you. The first few days with a newborn are though and you do need lots of rest a time do adjust to that new life, I had my 3rd a year ago and I would send the older 2 to nanas at every chance I had. It can be hard to your DH to understand this but I think you should try to talk to him again and try find a nice way to do this so everyone is happy.😊

[RoseWrites]

Thank you @snewton97. Such thoughtful advice. I hope your birth goes well :) x

[stepmum93]

This question was posted years ago but I’m adding my two pennies. I’m sorry but all of the mums on here who are shouting the odds saying it’s unfair to change the step kids routine or have the house to yourself for a few days is selfish and not inclusive of the step kids is just a load of rubbish and most likely the words of bitter exes or women who don’t have a clue what it means to be a step mum. Well I do and quite honestly yes the step kids are totally innocent and haven’t asked for any of this and should always be treated with love and respect but so should you and as the step mum NO ONE is ever going to fight for your corner or offer you your ideal as you’ll always come second. I have the best relationship with my step daughter. We look after her full time and even though I’m not even pregnant she already gets that it’s important for everyone to have their own time. Her and daddy have their own time, daddy and I have our own time for things, she and I have our own time together and she gets that daddy and I will need our own time in the beginning when the baby comes home. Even my husband agrees with this. When you’re in a blended family you can’t keep pretending you’re all going to be together all the time and be this perfect family. Manage the step child’s expectations realistically. Just to go back to what I said about how ridiculous it is with these women saying it’s unfair to change their step kids routine, let’s be real for many steps they don’t live with their parents together or have Christmas all together and they will be acutely aware that their family isn’t always together so their step mum and dad having a few days with a new baby isn’t going to shake them to their core so long as they feel loved and know they are family. If they don’t then that’s down to your actions as parents in your everyday lives and not because of giving solo attention to your new baby. My step daughter is being raised to be strong and resilient to the words she’s living in. One day she’ll find out her mums an alcoholic and she’ll be prepared because we’re not hiding behind some 1950s illusions that everyone’s perfect and everything happens the way it does on TV. Trust me on this, do you and keep the step kids in the loop or you’ll be resentful and no one will be happy.

[Sunshinehousexo]

Hi op, I recently had my second but thought I’d share with you both experiences. With my first I was similar to you. I wanted to know I had the option of space although didn’t know how I’d feel at the time the baby arrived. My first was born about 5 days before we were due to see my step child. We had Dss the weekend after and also a few visitors so I found it overwhelming but it was all ok. I often took myself up to our bedroom to breastfeed, sleep, cuddle new baby and for some privacy. My in laws offered to take dss for a night that weekend but Dh said no. I think I secretly wanted them to but it was definitely the right decision made my dh as it was important dss didn’t feel left out.

This time round I was more worried about leaving ds as he’s never had an overnight elsewhere. My in laws can sometimes be a bit pushy (although they’re brilliant) and I was worried they’d demand he stayed overnight with them. Also was a bit worried about whether dss would be with us or not- didn’t particularly mind either way.
As it happened, baby arrived through the night on a weekend dss was here and it all worked out perfectly. I was much more relaxed this time. It’s easy to overthink it.

[Sunshinehousexo]

Oops!! Didn’t realise this was an old one