A lot of negativity when telling people I'll probably have a cs

[shabbychic1]

I'm going to have an ELCS, it's what is going to be best for me and baby and is recommended by consultant gynae. I'm surprised that I get a lot of negativity when saying to people, even close friends. I often get the 'stunned' look. Then they say obviously if it's best for me and baby, but I feel like I have to explain to them why as if it's a 'wrong' choice. Obviously it doesn't really matter i the grand scheme of things but i have to admit that I've been surprised at reactions. Anyone else had this?

[homeiswheretheginis]

Extraordinary, isn't it, the sheer number of people that want to comment on something so personal? I had an Elcs because I wanted one. I didn't see the attraction in the risk of incontinence dtc and I'm a big believer in science and pain relief. I didn't want a "birth experience", I wanted a baby, and my lovely Elcs meant I had him in less than 23 minutes, and that I didn't have to go through labour.

Screw them - it's your body.

I started off explaining it too, as if I had to justify my choice (like when a host at a lunch ask if I didn't "even want to try to do it properly") but towards the end I just thought "screw it" and stopped trying to explain.

It is nobody's business but yours. We have fetishised natural birth to a ludicrous extent in the UK so I'm afraid some people will always look like they've sucked a lemon when you tell them. I suggest you end your announcements in future with a ringing "yay, science!" And turn on your heel...

[OhIfIMust]

I'm having an ELCS after a crash EMCS with PFB in a couple of weeks. Baby is measuring huge so I'm glad! Luckily not had too many negative comments. Most people know about my first birth I suppose so hopefully are cutting me some slack if they are thinking of being at all judgey about this one. I think people should remember the priority is healthy baby and healthy mum - who honestly cares how that comes about!

[RedToothBrush]

'Through choice' and 'for medical reasons' are not mutually exclusive.

Its worth stressing if people do probe.

(and thank you for the kind comments!)

[shabbychic1]

I know, I have other reasons as well, but I'm pleased I won't have to go through the tears, prolapse, incontinence etc. Don't feel as if I can say that because it's unfair for those that have had to, but it is a relief.

[TuttiFrutti]

I got this too shabbychic. My last cs was 9 years ago but nothing changes! Even my hairdresser said "Is that through choice or for medical reasons?" - like it was any of her business.

When you consider over 25% of births are cs, why should anyone be "stunned"? It's not that unusual.

I agree with the idea of having a stock response which you learn, so that takes the stress out of individual conversations.

Also, keep in mind (but don't say to people) that lots of my friends who had vaginal births and were a bit judgmental about my cs are now having problems with prolapse/pelvic floor. Two have needed surgery. It's easy to be judgmental about how other women give birth but there are usually very good reasons for cs.

[DustOffYourHighestHopes]

redtoothbrush your posts really helped me when I was pregnant and 'considering' begging for a c section. Thank you.

[Tallulahoola]

I had an ELCS after an EMCS. Almost every conversation went like this:

Them: "So when's your due date?"
Me: "It's xxxx"
Them: "Second babies are usually early"
Me: "No that is definitely the date because I'm booked in for a C-section"
Them: (shocked look) "Oh! Why?"

And I ended up mumbling something about medical advice and traumatic first birth when I wish I'd had the balls to say "Because I want one, not that it's any of your business."

[shabbychic1]

Great advice Red, I've read other posts about cs from you and your advice and sensitive/sensible research are always welcome

[RedToothBrush]

If this bothers you, think about how you phrase things and have a stock response which immediately closes down what people can reply to you.

'I am having a CS on medical advice which I am pleased about as they have picked up on the problem. I think staff have been great with their advice under the circumstances and I have lots confidence in them, that its the best thing for me and the baby'

Learn to control the conversation from the word go.

No need to say anymore. If people push you, then you just say, you don't feel comfortable talking about the ins and outs of your medical history with anyone but the hospital.

Don't try and justify.

Mental Health is Health. Clue in the title.

FWIW, I did tell some people I knew I had been medically advised that an ELCS was the best thing for my physical and mental health. I had a positive response to this. In part because people don't really want to push you on the subject of mental health!

[sunnysunnysumertime]

My MIL is the opposite she's been telling me I need to have a CS! I get the impression she hated her vaginal births and would have jumped at the opportunity for CS. Actually CS would be more risky for us than vaginal so I found her comments quite offensive. Firstly she was telling me not asking or discussing and secondly CS would put me and baby at increased risk based on our circumstances. So I think it's just a sensitive topic that people need to keep their own opinions out of. Don't forget that some people may just be genuinely surprised you are having a c section too as they seem hard to come by even if you have strong medical evidence. But you absolutely shouldn't feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone. Your body your choice and you need to do what's best for you and baby. I find the following phrase useful 'i found your comment a bit offensive. Our priority is safety and and this option is based on the best medical advice we could find'. I hope people respect your decision and I wish you a lovely birth!

[Cinnamon2013]

Venus - I do agree with you in part about the economics, but I think it's a bit more complex than that - if we had Brazil's c-section rate the risk is that midwives would no longer have the experience and therefore skills to manage complicated vaginal births. So while I'm pro-choice on this matter I don't think 70% id something we should aspire to

[Cinnamon2013]

I told friends upfront I was having an ELCS. I thought I'm not going to be someone who apologises for it, is embarrassed by it. It was my informed decision, the choice I was confident was right for me and my baby. It's perfectly acceptable for women to talk about preparing for a home birth, or Vb in hospital - why should a woman preparing for a CS be told to keep quiet about it (I'm hoping Flogging is just trolling here, but in case not). My baby is healthy, I'm healthy, I'm proud I made the choice that in our particular set of circumstances was right.

[freshprincess]

Thing is in a few years time, no one will care. I don't really remember that much about mine 12 years later.
I usually joke 'you know me, too posh to push'.
I have had one idiot tell me that I'm not a real woman because I haven't given birth. I told him that trying to deliver transverse DTs, yes both of them, would probably have killed me and them, so I'll take bring a 'pretend' woman over a dead one. That shut the stupid Arse up!

One of the unknown benefits of a cs is not getting drawn into conversation with the 'worst birth ever', 14 days of labour, 300 stitches types.

[VenusRising]

Congrats shabby!

A cesarian birth is natural! Over 70% of Brazilian women have one.
The negativity here comes from the cost to the NHS, and it's an economic reflex to want all mothers to have their babies vaginally as its 10times cheaper.
I think more mums should have elcs and the non medical judges should stfu!

My advice is to keep your medical details to yourself. If you're hearing a lot of negativity about your choices, repeat on loop: "we are doing what best for mum and baby."

Enjoy the birth of your precious baby and have fun!

[Zaurak]

Annie, tokophobia is a pretty valid reason for wanting a c section. A good birth leaves mum and baby physically and psychologically intact.

The key is informed choice. If you're aware of the risks and benefits of Cs and vb then the choice should be yours. Cs wasn't covered in my antenatal classes either. The 'interventions' part was skipped in moments. We were asked for feedback and mine was that by peddling the 'ideal' as what was going to happen they were setting women up to be terrified of things if they went a bit wrong. They should have done something like : "X % of births happen without intervention. X% need some form of intervention. Here are the main things that can happen and here's how the medical teams are ready and able to deal with it." I also told them off for not covering c sections!
The knit your own yoghurt "pain is in the mind, I breathed y baby out yo whale music and so can you" crowd do not help - women need a positive but honest assessment of what birth involves. Birth is inherently risky.

[kiki22]

I wouldn't bother with the antenatal class if she's like that or tell your mv shes a cowbag and you want another class with a diff person.

[Only1scoop]

I avoided all ante natal classes didn't fancy that.

[Annie105]

I'm having an ELCS due to extreme fear of birth. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut and not told anyone as everyone (with the exception of friends who have had planned sections for medical reasons) have been judgemental. At my antenatal class my husband and I were asked about our birth plan (everyone was) and I was so fed up with people being horrified I lied as the woman taking the classes had opened up the session asking if anyone had watched the Portland hospital programme on the women to posh to push. How sad is that. Now I've got to sit through those classes pretending to be ok with hearing all about natural birth and knowing I'm getting no help from the course leader because of what she thinks of sections.

I don't judge anyone who wants a fully natural birth which is my idea of utter terror so why do they all judge us

[Booboostwo]

What a judgey post Flogging! Top marks for irony!
I did not shove it in anyone's face (not sure how I could do that anyway!) I am Greek and went home for the birth. Day two after the birth I had visitors from 9 am to 9.30 pm and they included a lady who worked for my grandmother in Egypt some 50 years ago (lovely lady, very nice to keep in touch with her in general) through to my FIL's girlfriend's sister's husband, who, it turns out, does not agree with elective CSs.

If you think my responses were intrusive you'd have had conniptions at my mother's cousin, a retired paediatrician, who felt DD was jaundiced on day 2 and went behind mine and DH's backs to order extra genetic tests for her.

[MYA2016]

I had an emergency section after 14 hours of labour with a back to back baby who wasn't In the right position. It was horrific and I was in total shock as he was poorly when he was born due to a sudden drop in heart rate.
Next time I would 100% opt for a planned section, i couldn't go through the trauma again. A section is major surgery but like you say it's about doing what's best for you and your baby!
I feel sad that I may never experience pushing a baby into the world but it just about that.
As for other people's opinions... my friend had a baby a few months later - 4 hours start to end, gas and air only.
She told me 'you're sooo lucky to have had a cesarean, you definitely got the easy option, I'm so jealous of you, labour is horrific, I'm definitely asking for a cesarean next time it'it's so much easier'.
No doubt in my mind that pushing must be really bloody hard but after the ordeal i went through it was definitely not something I wanted to hear!
I've had to learn to ignore everyone's opinions but am dreading telling people next time that I'd have an ELCS!

[shabbychic1]

Yes I've told people when they ask my due date, and discussed it a couple of relatives and with a few friends who've had (mainly awful) births. I'm so glad my DH is 100% in support of the descision. I have to say I almost feel 'guilty/bad' saying it, and at first I was so wanting natural/ hypnobirth, I always end up saying this to 'prove' it's not a something decided upon a whim. Funny, friends who've had 50+ internal and eternal stitches, infected stitches, painful sex even years later and incontinence issues from vb still tried to talk me into trying it. I have to say it's made me very aware of being as nonjudgmental as possible in other aspects also as I just think people don't realise how their (well meaning) judgement can affect (already neurotic with pregnancy hormones ) people!.... Oh and don't get me started on the 'rain on your parade, everything in pregnancy is a competition and I was much better at it' colleagues. Who I definitely HAVEN'T told about ELCS!! But that's probably another thread lol!!

[kiki22]

I've told people when it's come up so when they say when is your due date I tell them, it happens to be a week after DS starts school and a day before my 30th so then people keep saying oh I hope you don't go early then at which point I would say I will be early as having section, other things have been people asking if I'm worried about birth after the mess of DS birth or even just people chatting about their own births.

I should have been a Kardashian really I'm an open book keeping things quiet isn't in my nature I'm crap at keeping secrets.

[barbecue]

People often say "I wonder if baby will arrive on X date" or "perhaps you'll go overdue" etc. I think that's when people might reply "Actually I'm booked in for a C-section next week". And of course you should be able to say that without anyone making judgy comments about it. Just giving this basic information shouldn't invite a free-for-all opinions session or force a woman to justify her decision. It's simple manners.

[Floggingmolly]

But why did you discuss it with everyone and his dog, Booboo, that's the real point?? If you shove personal information in other people's faces unasked, you can't whine when they in turn give their opinion on it.

[Booboostwo]

I had two CSs because that is what I wanted having looked into different birthing methods and made a personal judgement about relative risks. I did get a lot of negative comments about both but mainly from people who did not have a clue - I don't mean a subjective disagreement about how to weigh up different risks, I mean clueless. For example when I told my mother I was thinking of ELCS she burst into tears and said I would die under anaesthesia.