33 weeks and terrified

[Mmolly2013]

I am absolutely terrified of childbirth. It's my first baby and I've read so many bad things, words like 'horrific' 'traumatic' being used.

I've got myself worked up now about it and I'm so scared of what's to come. How do I overcome this, I've no women in my life who I can talk to. My partner is amazing but he's a man so can't really understand what I'm feeling properly. I've barely seen a midwife throughout pregnancy as I'm shared care so apart from a quick scan at 20 & 30 weeks I've been seeing Doctors and I just don't have enough time in app to talk to them about how I'm feeling.

Any advice welcome, so far pregnancy has been very smooth and trouble free.

[Bex485]

Don't worry.... All our mothers did it ;) and you will too. Yes it hurts like hell but That just your body doing its amazing thing. And I promise you it's all forgotten once that bubba is in your arms.

Take some time to focus on you and the things you can do now to make it as positive as an experience as possible... Sit on a birth ball to make sure that bubba is in a good position, rest as much as you can. Get your hospital bag set with all the comforts that'll help you music, pillows, ect ect.

Us women are amazing creatures, you will surprise yourself with the strength and determination you have inside you.

[Thurlow]

Hypnobirthing could be great to give you ways to manage with the pain, if that is your biggest fear. It was mine

One thing that might help is that for the vast majority of women, the pain begins on a very low level and then slowly escalates over time. So for most women it's not like you get suddenly knocked over by an immense pain. I felt as though this have me time to get used to it and to cope with it.

I also found the TENS machine a godsend, so I'd recommend hiring one if you can afford it.

And yes, read up about all the different pain relief available so that you feel confident making a decision when you are in labour. It's a cliche but there really aren't any medals for giving birth in a certain way, and so if you want pain relief, ask for it.

[naturalbaby]

I felt exactly the same as you (and also never had a smear) when pregnant. I did hypnobirhing and had 3 drug free home births. They were fantastic labours and births, I loved it and would happily do it all again. You have work really hard and retraining your brain to view things differently to make a difference. You need to focus your thoughts several times a day and practice breathing exercises. I also did pregnancy yoga which really helped with relaxation and during labour.

Watch some hypnobirthing youtube videos, possibly every day, to focus your mind on positive birth scenarios rather than scary ones.

[squizita]

Naturalbaby what about for mums-to-be who have had way more than a smear in their past and cannot responsibly give birth without intervention? (Factually, women in my family with my condition died childless or had stillbirths - I've looked into it - in my case than goodness we have all the drugs and medical stuff because for me it is a godsend).

Much of the stuff designed to make me feel 'better' actually makes me dread it as I am the 'failure' by default and do not want to (for good reason) access things like home birth.

I am heartened by stories of people who had a 'bog standard hospital birth' but felt listened to and well cared for.
I wish there were more books and websites about these - most of mine came from RL people.

[naturalbaby]

Hypnobirthing can still be used for births if drugs or intervention are needed. It's not just for drug free home births - I was just pointing out that it is possible to go from terrified to calm and controlled in a few weeks. The relaxation techniques can be used for pretty much any stressful situation - I use it when I go to the dentist!
I'm sorry that you feel you are a 'failure' squizita. The priority for anyone giving birth should be to feel safe and well cared for, not to give birth the way other people have or think you should.

[squizita]

Hypnobirthing can still be used for births if drugs or intervention are needed.

Still, there is the vocabulary like hypnobirthing "can still be used" (which suggests it's not designed for that, type birth but will still work) and applied to any stressful situation - and that drugs 'if needed'.
I do not feel like a failure. I'm sorry you read my rather pointed inverted commas that way.
Having looked into hypnobirthing I am afraid it did not suit me at all: I don't want to be the "runner up" within the system I use from the very start.

My point is that whenever people say they are apprehensive about birth the default is that they fear intervention and have never had anyone poking about in their reproductive system before. This situation simply isn't universal: women who don't want this aren't all brainwashed or afraid of intervention.

Where are the support systems that do not assume this?

[naturalbaby]

You are the one that suggested/felt that hypnobirthing cannot be used if you need intervention. Take out the 'birthing' and hypnotherapy can be used for pretty much any stressful situation.
You are the one using the words 'failure', 'bog standard' and 'runner up'. I'm not a member of the homebirthing mafia, just explaining my experience as someone who felt exactly the same as the OP did and went on to have a positive birth experience. It doesn't really matter if I was at home or hospital, in water or on monitors - the point was it was a positive experience because of my frame of mind which was a result of hypnobirthing classes.

The OP hasn't even said what she's scared of. I never assumed anything, just shared my experience as someone who felt the same when pregnant.

[KatharineClover]

I can highly recommend: natal hypnotherapy birth preparation cd & book, Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth, and I also have a student doula
Xx

[massagegirl]

It's natural to feel fearful. It's unknown, you've never done it before. I was induced,couldn't move off the bed due to heart monitors, complete opposite of the birth I had 'planned' but it was totally fine. Your body takes over. It was quick and honestly now a year later I don't remember much but I know that I coped better than I'd imagined. We tend to it hear the horror stories. I'd also recommend some relaxation podcasts.

[QuietNinjaTardis]

It doesn't always hurt like hell. My labour with dd wasn't too bad and I could relate through the contractions. The bit that did hurt was the pushing but that was only 15 mins so not too bad at all. Plus it was good pain because I could feel her coming. She was born in to a water pool with no pain relief apart from a bit of shouting and swearing
Don't be scared the more relaxed you are the easier it'll be. If you're all tensed up then it'll be harder so practise some deep muscle relaxing breaths now. And consciously try to relax you shoulders as well.

[jessplussomeonenew]

Also 33 weeks here and I have definitely found Birth Skills, as mentioned by pp, really helped me to feel calmer and more positive about labour. It's very practical, doesn't trot out the "if you do x it won't hurt" line, and has a whole chapter about more medical births complete with some really inspiring stories about how these can also be positive experiences too.

[ThirteenMeetings]

Easy labours do happen! Mine was quick, without intervention or drugs (I was open to them, there just wasn't time!) I was in hospital less than three hours before DD was born. Don't get me wrong, it was painful, and I didn't do hypnobirthing or any techniques at all, and completely forgot any breathing I'd been practicing - I just roared my way through it. As a PP said I also didn't mind the pain of the pushing as I could feel DD and was overwhelmed with excitement and the anticipation of meeting her.

I was 10 days overdue, DD was nearly 9lbs and I was 35yo, so by rights should have been tougher. I realise I was very lucky, but the truth is, you don't know what will happen, but it WILL happen, you will be ok, and sooner or later you will be back at home with a gorgeous snuggly baby and you will be able to put it behind you either way. Good luck. x

[claire5990]

I think you cannot listen to other peoples birth stories, every single birth is different and although you may have heard some horror stories yours may be very smooth.

I always thought I had a very low pain threshold and worries about coping with the pain and labour but turns out I coped so much better than I could ever have imagined. Yes it is painful but your body will take over and this is what our bodies are made for and there is always pain relief if you do find it to much.

The best advice I can ever give I think is that you need to go with the flow and not preempt what may or may not happen, take every contraction as they come and decide after each one if you feel as though you are coping. by all means make a birth plan of what you ideally want it to be like but don't put pressure on yourself to stick to it, my birth was nothing like my birth plan but i found writing one made me feel more relaxed about it.

Try not to worry, you will be fine and you honestly do forget after you have your beautiful baby.

Good luck with everything

[Genesgirl]

Another recommendation for Hypnobirthing here. I started out as scared as you sound, did the course, practiced like they said and had a great water birth, 8 hours est labour, totally in control and calm. I didn't know for sure it was the Hypobirthing but had DS2 two years later, fast, easy labour again. I fully understand and KNOW that I was lucky that both were facing the right way, no difficulties, straightforward but I was so calm and controlled throughout the opposite to how I thought I would be prior to starting the course. I now teach it. If you can do the course, if you can't please, please read a book and buy a CD. PM me if I can help more, not trying to push (no pun intended!) anything just trying to help :-) good luck you will be fine xx