33 weeks and terrified

[Mmolly2013]

I am absolutely terrified of childbirth. It's my first baby and I've read so many bad things, words like 'horrific' 'traumatic' being used.

I've got myself worked up now about it and I'm so scared of what's to come. How do I overcome this, I've no women in my life who I can talk to. My partner is amazing but he's a man so can't really understand what I'm feeling properly. I've barely seen a midwife throughout pregnancy as I'm shared care so apart from a quick scan at 20 & 30 weeks I've been seeing Doctors and I just don't have enough time in app to talk to them about how I'm feeling.

Any advice welcome, so far pregnancy has been very smooth and trouble free.

[Genesgirl]

Another recommendation for Hypnobirthing here. I started out as scared as you sound, did the course, practiced like they said and had a great water birth, 8 hours est labour, totally in control and calm. I didn't know for sure it was the Hypobirthing but had DS2 two years later, fast, easy labour again. I fully understand and KNOW that I was lucky that both were facing the right way, no difficulties, straightforward but I was so calm and controlled throughout the opposite to how I thought I would be prior to starting the course. I now teach it. If you can do the course, if you can't please, please read a book and buy a CD. PM me if I can help more, not trying to push (no pun intended!) anything just trying to help :-) good luck you will be fine xx

[claire5990]

I think you cannot listen to other peoples birth stories, every single birth is different and although you may have heard some horror stories yours may be very smooth.

I always thought I had a very low pain threshold and worries about coping with the pain and labour but turns out I coped so much better than I could ever have imagined. Yes it is painful but your body will take over and this is what our bodies are made for and there is always pain relief if you do find it to much.

The best advice I can ever give I think is that you need to go with the flow and not preempt what may or may not happen, take every contraction as they come and decide after each one if you feel as though you are coping. by all means make a birth plan of what you ideally want it to be like but don't put pressure on yourself to stick to it, my birth was nothing like my birth plan but i found writing one made me feel more relaxed about it.

Try not to worry, you will be fine and you honestly do forget after you have your beautiful baby.

Good luck with everything

[ThirteenMeetings]

Easy labours do happen! Mine was quick, without intervention or drugs (I was open to them, there just wasn't time!) I was in hospital less than three hours before DD was born. Don't get me wrong, it was painful, and I didn't do hypnobirthing or any techniques at all, and completely forgot any breathing I'd been practicing - I just roared my way through it. As a PP said I also didn't mind the pain of the pushing as I could feel DD and was overwhelmed with excitement and the anticipation of meeting her.

I was 10 days overdue, DD was nearly 9lbs and I was 35yo, so by rights should have been tougher. I realise I was very lucky, but the truth is, you don't know what will happen, but it WILL happen, you will be ok, and sooner or later you will be back at home with a gorgeous snuggly baby and you will be able to put it behind you either way. Good luck. x

[jessplussomeonenew]

Also 33 weeks here and I have definitely found Birth Skills, as mentioned by pp, really helped me to feel calmer and more positive about labour. It's very practical, doesn't trot out the "if you do x it won't hurt" line, and has a whole chapter about more medical births complete with some really inspiring stories about how these can also be positive experiences too.

[QuietNinjaTardis]

It doesn't always hurt like hell. My labour with dd wasn't too bad and I could relate through the contractions. The bit that did hurt was the pushing but that was only 15 mins so not too bad at all. Plus it was good pain because I could feel her coming. She was born in to a water pool with no pain relief apart from a bit of shouting and swearing
Don't be scared the more relaxed you are the easier it'll be. If you're all tensed up then it'll be harder so practise some deep muscle relaxing breaths now. And consciously try to relax you shoulders as well.

[massagegirl]

It's natural to feel fearful. It's unknown, you've never done it before. I was induced,couldn't move off the bed due to heart monitors, complete opposite of the birth I had 'planned' but it was totally fine. Your body takes over. It was quick and honestly now a year later I don't remember much but I know that I coped better than I'd imagined. We tend to it hear the horror stories. I'd also recommend some relaxation podcasts.

[KatharineClover]

I can highly recommend: natal hypnotherapy birth preparation cd & book, Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth, and I also have a student doula
Xx

[naturalbaby]

You are the one that suggested/felt that hypnobirthing cannot be used if you need intervention. Take out the 'birthing' and hypnotherapy can be used for pretty much any stressful situation.
You are the one using the words 'failure', 'bog standard' and 'runner up'. I'm not a member of the homebirthing mafia, just explaining my experience as someone who felt exactly the same as the OP did and went on to have a positive birth experience. It doesn't really matter if I was at home or hospital, in water or on monitors - the point was it was a positive experience because of my frame of mind which was a result of hypnobirthing classes.

The OP hasn't even said what she's scared of. I never assumed anything, just shared my experience as someone who felt the same when pregnant.

[squizita]

Hypnobirthing can still be used for births if drugs or intervention are needed.

Still, there is the vocabulary like hypnobirthing "can still be used" (which suggests it's not designed for that, type birth but will still work) and applied to any stressful situation - and that drugs 'if needed'.
I do not feel like a failure. I'm sorry you read my rather pointed inverted commas that way.
Having looked into hypnobirthing I am afraid it did not suit me at all: I don't want to be the "runner up" within the system I use from the very start.

My point is that whenever people say they are apprehensive about birth the default is that they fear intervention and have never had anyone poking about in their reproductive system before. This situation simply isn't universal: women who don't want this aren't all brainwashed or afraid of intervention.

Where are the support systems that do not assume this?

[naturalbaby]

Hypnobirthing can still be used for births if drugs or intervention are needed. It's not just for drug free home births - I was just pointing out that it is possible to go from terrified to calm and controlled in a few weeks. The relaxation techniques can be used for pretty much any stressful situation - I use it when I go to the dentist!
I'm sorry that you feel you are a 'failure' squizita. The priority for anyone giving birth should be to feel safe and well cared for, not to give birth the way other people have or think you should.

[squizita]

Naturalbaby what about for mums-to-be who have had way more than a smear in their past and cannot responsibly give birth without intervention? (Factually, women in my family with my condition died childless or had stillbirths - I've looked into it - in my case than goodness we have all the drugs and medical stuff because for me it is a godsend).

Much of the stuff designed to make me feel 'better' actually makes me dread it as I am the 'failure' by default and do not want to (for good reason) access things like home birth.

I am heartened by stories of people who had a 'bog standard hospital birth' but felt listened to and well cared for.
I wish there were more books and websites about these - most of mine came from RL people.

[naturalbaby]

I felt exactly the same as you (and also never had a smear) when pregnant. I did hypnobirhing and had 3 drug free home births. They were fantastic labours and births, I loved it and would happily do it all again. You have work really hard and retraining your brain to view things differently to make a difference. You need to focus your thoughts several times a day and practice breathing exercises. I also did pregnancy yoga which really helped with relaxation and during labour.

Watch some hypnobirthing youtube videos, possibly every day, to focus your mind on positive birth scenarios rather than scary ones.

[Thurlow]

Hypnobirthing could be great to give you ways to manage with the pain, if that is your biggest fear. It was mine

One thing that might help is that for the vast majority of women, the pain begins on a very low level and then slowly escalates over time. So for most women it's not like you get suddenly knocked over by an immense pain. I felt as though this have me time to get used to it and to cope with it.

I also found the TENS machine a godsend, so I'd recommend hiring one if you can afford it.

And yes, read up about all the different pain relief available so that you feel confident making a decision when you are in labour. It's a cliche but there really aren't any medals for giving birth in a certain way, and so if you want pain relief, ask for it.

[Bex485]

Don't worry.... All our mothers did it ;) and you will too. Yes it hurts like hell but That just your body doing its amazing thing. And I promise you it's all forgotten once that bubba is in your arms.

Take some time to focus on you and the things you can do now to make it as positive as an experience as possible... Sit on a birth ball to make sure that bubba is in a good position, rest as much as you can. Get your hospital bag set with all the comforts that'll help you music, pillows, ect ect.

Us women are amazing creatures, you will surprise yourself with the strength and determination you have inside you.

[Becky2208]

Just thought I'd add another positive story - I was also terrified and really worried that I wouldn't be able to do it. My son was a week old yesterday, and his birth was fine. I had contractions on and off all day Sunday, went into the mlu around 7:30pm, and he was born 4:05am Monday morning, with just gas and air and some minor grazing. You really will be fine - trust your body, things kind of take over and your body does know what to do.

[fattycow]

A quick positive story here:
a friend of mine recently give birth to a 10 pound baby. It was a quick labour (7 hours from first contraction), she needed no pain medication, no tearing, no stitches. She was running up the stairs the next day!

[squizita]

I am in the 3rd trimester with my 1st and have a lot of anxiety. Strategies I am finding that help are:
-Yoga (for the relaxation and just keeping myself feeling physically strong as one of my anxieties is that I'm "too weak" to do it)
-Looked into 'mindfulness' and listened to Natal Hypnotherapy for a Hospital/MLU birth
-Reading reputable books/websites from a range of sources so that I know what to expect and that in the UK, most likely it will be OK whether I have a waterbirth in a MLU or a CSection or whatever. I've read "Birth Skills", the labour part of "Your Pregnancy Week By Week" (Lesley Regan), NHS and Mumsnet websites.
-Attended NCT and also watched some videos on the NHS site.
-Taken questions to MW and ObGyn appointments to get straight answers from people at the sharp or should that be squishy end of things.

I know this is contraversial but I didn't just look at so-called perfect home births etc' because I wanted to know what would happen if something medical happened - and not to go in thinking of that as 'failure' or something that needed 'answers', but more of mindful/factual (for example) "baby was back to back so I needed more pain relief" or "baby was late so they used a drip" knowing why.

I don't know if these will work on the day, but right now they are making me feel much calmer, like a mantra "I can do this naturally and if I can't, there are trained people to help me".

[ElizaB3]

I appreciate how you feel. I had my first baby 2 weeks ago.
In my opinion Knowledge is power; start educating and preparing yourself; it's going to happen so get pro-active. Your body takes over so it is hugely about how you cope mentally; I found hypnobirthing invaluable for this. If you can afford to attend a class it sounds like it would be a good investment for you, and will provide a like-minded support group (you are definitely not alone in your feelings!)
It is the Doctors/Midwives job to help you and they will; I promise you won't care about your modesty (lots of people said this to me and it is true!)
Like the first poster I also found Birth Skills by Juju Sundin excellent; detailed techniques for birthing I really found useful. Your body is built to birth, you just need to support it and you can do it. I hope you can post back here with a lovely birth story! Good luck

[harverina]

I had an epidural second time and pushed for 10 minutes max before dd was born so it was fine for me.

[Bunbaker]

Is there an NCT group in your area? It sounds like the ante natal classes aren't doing their job if you are still feeling terrified.

When I was heavily pregnant I was feeling apprehensive, but I kept telling myself that I couldn't turn the clock back and not be pregnant and I had no choice but to have the baby.

And, in the end I had an easy textbook labour and delivery. My waters went after lunch and out popped my baby exactly 6 hours later.

[Fuckalella]

Don't worry! If it was that bad no one would do it more than once

The only thing I regret from the first time was having an epidural, I wouldn't recommend it because I found if hard to push but then again others may have had completely different experiences.

With my second I had a c-section, was really relaxed with Xmas music in the background (December baby).

I would definitely do either again though!

[harverina]

I was terrified too first and second time but I can honestly say hand on heart that as soon as I went into labour both times all of my fears and anxieties went away and I just went with the flow of labour. I think instincts just kicked in and so much was happening that I forgot to be scared any more.

Would you consider hypnobirthing to try and relax you?

Giving birth is scary as so much is at stake. First time round there are so many unknowns and after that we know too much! But seriously, it is the most natural thing in the world and if there are complications - and in most cases there are not - then hospitals are very well equipped to deal with them. I have had intervention in both labours but would not describe either of then as traumatic at all. I had an emergency section first time round. Despite this my whole experience was amazing.

Try and speak with your midwife. You shouldn't have to deal with this fear alone.

[Ithoughtihadthisdown]

Having had 2 each is different, but there are some things every mum says that are true - you forget it all remarkably quickly and whatever happens it is worth it when you meet your little one. They may not sound reassuring, but I was terrified first time round until it actually came to the event, and you are so caught up in it you kinda don't have time to overthink everything anymore!

Labour is never going to be fun, but my advice would be plan to have things that relax you, such as your favourite music etc, and consider all forms of pain relief (and don't be afraid to change your mind when your actually going through it, you may even find you don't need those drugs you thought you'd be screaming for!).

I spent ages worried about my modesty beforehand and ended up giving birth on a shift change with about 6 people in the room - and didn't care at all!

[HollyBen]

Fear of the unknown is scary for everyone. If you are anything like me when it happens you will not care who is rummaging around down there you will be focussed on meeting this incredible person you have grown inside you. The midwives and doctors are there to help. Do not be afraid to tell then how you feel and ask for help. For every awful story there is a positive one. My labour started with me being violently sick, it went on for around 14 hours and left me with stitches. I had ibuprofen/paracetamol and gas &air. Would I do it again? Absolutely! And am hoping to do so next March