How important is DH/partner's presence at the birth for you? Pls help me keep it in perspective

[blondecat]

I have a wonderful DH. I admire his work ethic. And I know that my father wasn't there when I was born nor was his. But they were at least in the hospital. And my sister laboured alone and was just fine
But

We are all affected by our current environment so I struggle to imagine DH not being there.
Is it / was it important to you too? Or it didn't matter? And if he couldn't be there how did you explain it to yourself?

As things stand DH will definitely make it only if the baby doesn't arrive early (He scheduled a business trip to India for 5 days in my weeks 38) or late (my 41 week = unmoveable meetings). And I am not supposed to go more than 3-4 days past DD

In fact the only guarantee he will be there is if forget about the VBAC and just stick to ERCS. That's in his diary

Luckily (??) unless the baby turns again another c section is probably for the best anyway.

Did anyone feel that if DH wasn't there because of work and it wasn't deployment or nuclear crisis etc your relationship would never be the same? I fear I will resent it no matter how I rationalize. And before you ask I can't change his diary. He has no deputy and dates are set in stone.

If you had a VBAC/ Normal birth were you ok alone? MAybe you preferred to be alone? How did you explain it to yourself if you wished the father of the baby was there?

I know i worry too much. Baby may decide to stay as is or arrive in week 39 and all this fretting will feel so silly. And maybe I wouldn't risk a VBAC anyway. But a friend gave birth last week and is in great shape and it would be so wonderful for DD not to have me unable to pick her up for weeks after her brother arrives.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Hope it works out alright for you OP and your DH comes around to your way of thinking.

Fwiw I don't want my dp to be present. He finds this odd.

[RedToothBrush]

So the only thing thats stopping him going is his passport and not the feelings of his wife.

There is no such thing as an unmovable meeting. Or getting someone to cover for it at the very least. There is also this thing called video conferencing...

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

If my DH couldn't be there I'd ask someone else for that supportive role, probably DSis.

I think the sort of birth you have is more important than the company you have ! - so I'd hope to go for VBAC anyhow.

DH did have a trip arranged around my due date but thankfully it was cancelled. Still feel annoyed that he planned to go on it - IMO it's not a good thing to miss if it can be avoided.

Hope it works out OK for you OP. All the best to you !

[maja00]

So if he doesn't get his passport and can't go to the meeting the world won't end?

[Floralnomad]

I think this is two different questions , firstly is it important for your partner to be at the birth ,that's a personal matter ,to me it wasn't important ,it sounds like you want him there so yes it is to you . The second question is why he is missing the birth and it would really piss me off if my husband missed the birth because of work commitments ( unless he's in the armed services and posted abroad) .TBH they should only not be there because you don't want them there and then they should be either outside in the corridor or sat at home with the other children .no job is more than family !

[ChristineDaae]

I don't understand how he absolutely completely can't move a meeting? Surely even the PM/president of the US/Etc get time off to be with their wives in labour?!

[fairypangolin]

I don't really have any comments on whether your DH could or should change his schedule or not but I found that I did not really 'need' my DH there during my labour. I felt very inwardly focussed and found it easiest to cope with the contractions when no one touched me or spoke to me. I think it depends on how you tend to cope with pain and physical experiences. My DH was lovely but he didn't really have anything to say or do that would have changed how I felt to any measurable extent. Unlike other times in life when I've needed support (i.e. family problems, job problems) labour was entirely physical for me and I just wanted to get on with it.

However, I would have been quite disappointed if he hadn't been there immediately when DS was born as that was so special.

And in relation to whether everyone is understanding of someone's commitments to their birthing partner, my DH was working freelance at the time and his client actually tried to renegotiate the terms and pay him less because DH 'abandoned the project for 48 hours'. This was when DH was in the hospital with me!!! He had been working on it at home the whole time whilst I was in early labour! What a t**t.

[kalidasa]

Like fairypangolin I didn't actually find DH's presence during labour very relevant - I was totally "in the zone" and laboured for the first few hours alone before waking him up and later at the hospital tried to send him away for a while so I could stay "in the zone" (I distinctly heard a midwife tell him to sit quietly outside the curtain and "pretend" he'd gone to the coffee shop as requested!). In the early stages I actually found his anxiety/attempts to help distracting rather than helpful. But there are some huge caveats - firstly, he WAS there all the time (or just outside the cubicle) and I knew he was there talking to the staff etc which helped me to be able to relax and stay in my zone; and secondly I would have been incredibly upset if he had indicated that anything was more important than being there with me, as long as I wanted him there.

I suppose what I mean is that some women (like me) do have very "animal" labours where there's not much for someone else to do - I didn't really speak from beginning to end, for instance, unless I really had to. So you might have that experience. But actually if you would prefer him to be there I think you have more chance of being able to relax and have that experience if he is.

You mention a VBAC. What happened with your first birth? If he was the father, was he there that time?

[Cavort]

I gave birth to DC1 23 days ago. DH has his own company which is (thankfully) very busy at the moment, but trying to arrange work/meetings around the unknowns of birth was very difficult for him. We discussed it and decided that life goes on, so if he needed to arrange a meeting several hours away then he would with my blessing, but his clients were made aware of the circumstances and he would have cancelled at short notice at the slightest whiff of a contraction.

I would have undoubtedly survived labour without him but I feel really pleased that he wanted to be there and prioritised me and our baby above work. He hasn't managed much Paternity Leave since though but such is life.

I think it boils down to what you yourself are comfortable with OP, and the possible repercussions if you feel you and your DC's are less important than his work. If you don't then it's fine.

[Snuppeline]

I'm in a similar situation and feel quite mixed about it. I'm expecting my 2nd dd, now 36+5. Dh has holidays now but has to be back at work, in a different country, from 05th of August. This is not negotiable sadly. He will be able to get back in a day by air but there's the real danger that he may miss the last flight of the day - depending on when I go into labour - and so may miss the birth. Basically, I have another week to give birth in otherwise dh will be abroad...

I went over by two weeks with my first so expect to go over this time too and if I do I will have to face organising childcare and transport to the hospital myself. I feel it is quite a big ask to be honest and I feel irritated to be placed in this position. Dh's reasoning is that he cannot take unpaid leave for several weeks given that there is a five week window during which the baby could appear. I get it, I really do, but am still irritated and sad at the situation. I know dh would like nothing more than to be with me and that does make it a little better.

I've got family and friends who have offered to be with me in labour, to support with childcare and so on but I don't actually want anyone but dh to see me in the sort of situation labour is. I'll be feeling like I have to look after whoever comes with me, e.g. friend or aunt, which will take away headspace. Dh was a great birth partner last time around and I don't really want anyone else but scared of doing it totally on my own too.

Anyway, like you I have a "window" within which to give birth (until 04th of August), or "failing" that, to be in labour for so long that he can get a flight back... Gaaaah!

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

I am very independent and generally prefer to do things on my own. It wouldn't actually bother me if DH couldn't be there (and in some ways I'd prefer it as then I wouldn't have someone else to consider), but I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't want to be there for his own sake and didn't want to be there for me (even though I don't need it).

Him prioritising work over you and the baby - completely unacceptable in my book.

I also think it says a lot about how he sees his role with his child - and it's not good :(

Whatever it is he does, he's not stopping the world from imploding... therefore it's not more important than this.