How important is DH/partner's presence at the birth for you? Pls help me keep it in perspective

[blondecat]

I have a wonderful DH. I admire his work ethic. And I know that my father wasn't there when I was born nor was his. But they were at least in the hospital. And my sister laboured alone and was just fine
But

We are all affected by our current environment so I struggle to imagine DH not being there.
Is it / was it important to you too? Or it didn't matter? And if he couldn't be there how did you explain it to yourself?

As things stand DH will definitely make it only if the baby doesn't arrive early (He scheduled a business trip to India for 5 days in my weeks 38) or late (my 41 week = unmoveable meetings). And I am not supposed to go more than 3-4 days past DD

In fact the only guarantee he will be there is if forget about the VBAC and just stick to ERCS. That's in his diary

Luckily (??) unless the baby turns again another c section is probably for the best anyway.

Did anyone feel that if DH wasn't there because of work and it wasn't deployment or nuclear crisis etc your relationship would never be the same? I fear I will resent it no matter how I rationalize. And before you ask I can't change his diary. He has no deputy and dates are set in stone.

If you had a VBAC/ Normal birth were you ok alone? MAybe you preferred to be alone? How did you explain it to yourself if you wished the father of the baby was there?

I know i worry too much. Baby may decide to stay as is or arrive in week 39 and all this fretting will feel so silly. And maybe I wouldn't risk a VBAC anyway. But a friend gave birth last week and is in great shape and it would be so wonderful for DD not to have me unable to pick her up for weeks after her brother arrives.

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

I am very independent and generally prefer to do things on my own. It wouldn't actually bother me if DH couldn't be there (and in some ways I'd prefer it as then I wouldn't have someone else to consider), but I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't want to be there for his own sake and didn't want to be there for me (even though I don't need it).

Him prioritising work over you and the baby - completely unacceptable in my book.

I also think it says a lot about how he sees his role with his child - and it's not good :(

Whatever it is he does, he's not stopping the world from imploding... therefore it's not more important than this.

[Snuppeline]

I'm in a similar situation and feel quite mixed about it. I'm expecting my 2nd dd, now 36+5. Dh has holidays now but has to be back at work, in a different country, from 05th of August. This is not negotiable sadly. He will be able to get back in a day by air but there's the real danger that he may miss the last flight of the day - depending on when I go into labour - and so may miss the birth. Basically, I have another week to give birth in otherwise dh will be abroad...

I went over by two weeks with my first so expect to go over this time too and if I do I will have to face organising childcare and transport to the hospital myself. I feel it is quite a big ask to be honest and I feel irritated to be placed in this position. Dh's reasoning is that he cannot take unpaid leave for several weeks given that there is a five week window during which the baby could appear. I get it, I really do, but am still irritated and sad at the situation. I know dh would like nothing more than to be with me and that does make it a little better.

I've got family and friends who have offered to be with me in labour, to support with childcare and so on but I don't actually want anyone but dh to see me in the sort of situation labour is. I'll be feeling like I have to look after whoever comes with me, e.g. friend or aunt, which will take away headspace. Dh was a great birth partner last time around and I don't really want anyone else but scared of doing it totally on my own too.

Anyway, like you I have a "window" within which to give birth (until 04th of August), or "failing" that, to be in labour for so long that he can get a flight back... Gaaaah!

[Cavort]

I gave birth to DC1 23 days ago. DH has his own company which is (thankfully) very busy at the moment, but trying to arrange work/meetings around the unknowns of birth was very difficult for him. We discussed it and decided that life goes on, so if he needed to arrange a meeting several hours away then he would with my blessing, but his clients were made aware of the circumstances and he would have cancelled at short notice at the slightest whiff of a contraction.

I would have undoubtedly survived labour without him but I feel really pleased that he wanted to be there and prioritised me and our baby above work. He hasn't managed much Paternity Leave since though but such is life.

I think it boils down to what you yourself are comfortable with OP, and the possible repercussions if you feel you and your DC's are less important than his work. If you don't then it's fine.

[kalidasa]

Like fairypangolin I didn't actually find DH's presence during labour very relevant - I was totally "in the zone" and laboured for the first few hours alone before waking him up and later at the hospital tried to send him away for a while so I could stay "in the zone" (I distinctly heard a midwife tell him to sit quietly outside the curtain and "pretend" he'd gone to the coffee shop as requested!). In the early stages I actually found his anxiety/attempts to help distracting rather than helpful. But there are some huge caveats - firstly, he WAS there all the time (or just outside the cubicle) and I knew he was there talking to the staff etc which helped me to be able to relax and stay in my zone; and secondly I would have been incredibly upset if he had indicated that anything was more important than being there with me, as long as I wanted him there.

I suppose what I mean is that some women (like me) do have very "animal" labours where there's not much for someone else to do - I didn't really speak from beginning to end, for instance, unless I really had to. So you might have that experience. But actually if you would prefer him to be there I think you have more chance of being able to relax and have that experience if he is.

You mention a VBAC. What happened with your first birth? If he was the father, was he there that time?

[fairypangolin]

I don't really have any comments on whether your DH could or should change his schedule or not but I found that I did not really 'need' my DH there during my labour. I felt very inwardly focussed and found it easiest to cope with the contractions when no one touched me or spoke to me. I think it depends on how you tend to cope with pain and physical experiences. My DH was lovely but he didn't really have anything to say or do that would have changed how I felt to any measurable extent. Unlike other times in life when I've needed support (i.e. family problems, job problems) labour was entirely physical for me and I just wanted to get on with it.

However, I would have been quite disappointed if he hadn't been there immediately when DS was born as that was so special.

And in relation to whether everyone is understanding of someone's commitments to their birthing partner, my DH was working freelance at the time and his client actually tried to renegotiate the terms and pay him less because DH 'abandoned the project for 48 hours'. This was when DH was in the hospital with me!!! He had been working on it at home the whole time whilst I was in early labour! What a t**t.

[ChristineDaae]

I don't understand how he absolutely completely can't move a meeting? Surely even the PM/president of the US/Etc get time off to be with their wives in labour?!

[Floralnomad]

I think this is two different questions , firstly is it important for your partner to be at the birth ,that's a personal matter ,to me it wasn't important ,it sounds like you want him there so yes it is to you . The second question is why he is missing the birth and it would really piss me off if my husband missed the birth because of work commitments ( unless he's in the armed services and posted abroad) .TBH they should only not be there because you don't want them there and then they should be either outside in the corridor or sat at home with the other children .no job is more than family !

[maja00]

So if he doesn't get his passport and can't go to the meeting the world won't end?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

If my DH couldn't be there I'd ask someone else for that supportive role, probably DSis.

I think the sort of birth you have is more important than the company you have ! - so I'd hope to go for VBAC anyhow.

DH did have a trip arranged around my due date but thankfully it was cancelled. Still feel annoyed that he planned to go on it - IMO it's not a good thing to miss if it can be avoided.

Hope it works out OK for you OP. All the best to you !

[RedToothBrush]

So the only thing thats stopping him going is his passport and not the feelings of his wife.

There is no such thing as an unmovable meeting. Or getting someone to cover for it at the very least. There is also this thing called video conferencing...

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Hope it works out alright for you OP and your DH comes around to your way of thinking.

Fwiw I don't want my dp to be present. He finds this odd.

[chillisbopper]

I'm 20 weeks with our first and I truly believe I couldn't do it without DH there, I'm really anxious about it and he is the only thing that keeps me relatively calm when I panic. It wouldn't affect our relationship if for some reason he had to miss it but I think I would be very upset on the day, not at him though at the situation as I know that he would only miss it if he absolutely had no choice.

[tumbletumble]

Tell us more about the un moveable meetings. Do you mean he can't move them in advance to free up time 'just in case'? Or do you mean that he would still attend them even if that involved leaving you mid-labour or with a tiny newborn, or that he wouldn't come home if you phoned in the middle of a meeting to say you'd gone into labour?

If it's the former then that's fair enough - it's tricky to plan your diary when there is such a wide window for the baby to arrive. If it's the latter then I find that absolutely shocking

[MumnGran]

Is there also a cultural aspect to your DH attitude? some cultures do not encourage/want/permit men to be present at births and if this is his background then it may be a struggle for him to outgrow the mindset.

I have three, and my XH was useless at the first two, and arrived at the last by the skin of his teeth. To be honest, after the first - when I was a newbie to the process - it would have been a lot more useful if he had stayed at home. Of course I understand that for many women the emotional support of having a DP with them feels paramount + all the factors around bonding with the baby.......but, actually, practically, mine was a pain in the neck and less help than a chocolate teapot. After the first, I just wanted to get the job done, and that was always an easier process without H in tow.

Its wonderful that fathers can be present, and very much the standard nowadays, but if they are not ....it needn't prevent bonding, and you will be fine providing you have someone with you that offers you absolute personal support .....mum, sister, doula ....as so many people have already said.

As to my thoughts on a man who chooses to prioritise a meeting over the birth of his child? .......unprintable.

[MortifiedAdams]

I would be very unhappy that my DH is planning to only be there if.it fits in around his exisiting plans.

If there was some.sort of emergency, I would be fine doing it alone, but I would as I say be very unhappy with the above.

[Gingerandcocoa]

OP, if you don't mind me asking, what sort of work does your DH do? Is he perhaps in senior position in government, or a sportsman that has a competition he has to attend?

I'm just struggling to understand why you seem to not mind the fact that he is choosing to be on a business trip than with you, giving birth!

I don't mean to make you feel anxious or anything like that because I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine doing it on your own, but I'd be really really upset, and don't think I could forget it.

[lucamom]

My DH was there for my first two children's births, but missed the third (after spending 36 hrs with me at hospital, he was sent home and annoyingly the mw didn't believe me when I said to call him as was having the baby, so he arrived when DD was about 5 mins old).

The week previously, our eldest had to spend the night in hospital (DH stayed with him), so I'd made peace with the idea beforehand, in case it happened whilst they were in hospital. Also, having other kids there's always the possibility in your mind that the people on standby might not make it so childcare is the priority.

I can honestly say I'm glad he wasn't there-the baby came quickly on the ward in the end (so not even gas & air), and it was better for me not having him to worry about, I could just focus on what I had to do. He is gutted but it makes not one difference to his relationship with DD.

He was there before the birth and has been there since which is the important thing.

[eurozammo]

I'm pretty shocked actually. I work in a field that demands an awful lot of people (evening and weekend work, cancelled holidays, etc) but I don't know of anyone who has prioritised work over being at the birth of their children. Your husband really needs to take a serious look at his priorities.

[tumbletumble]

For DC1, my DH had a work trip abroad scheduled for the week before the due date. He didn't have to go, but it was the final culmination of a project he had been working on for months and he would have been disappointed to miss it. In the end DC1 was a week late so all was ok.

However, he would not have gone if I'd been in labour or already had the baby, and he would have tried to get home if I'd gone into labour while he was away.

I'd be more concerned about the meetings in week 41 tbh. Does that mean he won't be taking any paternity leave? I could have managed the birth without DH if necessary (although he was brilliant) but I would have really struggled without help in the first week (no sleep, getting the hang of breastfeeding etc). I also think it sets a worrying pattern for the future if he isn't involved at the start (him working, you doing everything for the baby). Is that what you want in your relationship? If not - set the tone early on and insist your DH makes some work sacrifices in order to spend time with you and the baby.

I know the birth looms large in your mind atm, but it's actually coming home with a newborn which is the difficult bit IMO!

Hope it all works out OK for you.

[ithaka]

My DH was a rock through our my 3 births, utterly wonderful. He is my emotional crutch in life, in general. I know it is not fashionable or maybe healthy, but I really depend and lean on my DH emotionally. I could not have begun to cope with the thought of doing something as scary and intense as giving birth without him. But then, he would swim through sharks to be there for me - he would never put work before me & the children.

Swings and roundabouts - DH does a worthy job, but is not a big earner. I know from friends that it can be different with men who earn a lot and I can see it would be nice to be provided for financially, but that is not how we roll. I can earn my own money, but I really need him to have my back.

[joanofarchitrave]

If I'm totally honest (and I would NEVER say this to him) I slightly wish that dh hadn't been there.

He gets calmer and calmer in a crisis, and says calming things. The midwife thought he was wonderful, and retreated to the background, leaving us together.

But I didn't want dh saying I was doing really well, I wanted a midwife, who actually knew what the fuck she was talking about. Who would not say generic things but might actually give me some information that would help me understand what was going on. I was terrified. But realistically, that might just have been birth.

Having said that, if you want him there, tell him to sort it. If he was in labour, someone else would have to go to the meeting or it would be postponed. This is the moment for a Spousal Look. The sort that takes no shit.

[VisualiseAHorse]

I wasn't that bothered, but OH wanted (or maybe felt like he had) to be there.

It was nice having him there, but I think I could do it without him. I'm a bit 'meh' about it actually, I felt very 'insular' during the last couple of hours and couldn't have cared less who was there. It was lovely that he cut the cord and stuff though.

[blondecat]

I am keeping quiet as just found out this afternoon that he can't get a new Indian visa without 2 free pages in his passport. He has only one left and if I am lucky he won't be able to get a new passport in time. Then he can't go.

It was tough not to smile when he told me. Poor DH - his wife is secretly happy for his troubles.

So that's week 38/9 resolved perhaps. Week 41 won't be so easy but at least he is in town. My sister pointed out that a labour is more than 4 hours usually and often in the night so he should make some of it at least.

[emsyj]

I have just come back to this to say that it is enormously unfair for you to be faced with the choice of 'major surgery but with DH present' or 'unknown quantity with DH 50/50 chance of being present'. What would you do if you ended up with an emcs and he wasn't around? Are there other people to help you?

[wouldyoupleasemove]

Dont normally post but felt v sorry for you OP. I hold a senior position within.an organisation and would be frankly appalled if someone turned up while partner was in labour or shortly after birth. Your DH needs perspective. Both recent Prime Ministers attended the births of their children and um, they hold the nuclear codes...
I think birth and death are the two events in life when it is acceptable to drop everything, ask for favours from total strangers and everyone will help.