9 year old crying - what do you do?

[nicename]

At school mostly. It seems to be mainly through silly things (ie forgetting a school book then, oopsy here it is in my bag! That kind of thing. It seems to be fear of 'doing wrong' or getting into trouble. Now I was like this at school but this was in ye olden days when the teachers could belt you (and you'd get hell at home for being in trouble).

It's a new school. Everyone is lovely - no scary teachers. Never had a scary teacher, or actually ever been scared by one (he used to march into his old Heads office to have a chat, or tell him it was about time he had a fire drill - so not exactly lacking in confidence).

I have told him until I'm blue in the face not to cry in front of the other kids - they are getting to the age when he will get bullied for being a cry-baby or mammas-boy. He understands, agrees... then the teacher pulls me aside 'oh mrs nice, niceboy got a little upset today...'.

I just don't know what to do.

My 9 year old DS can be a bit like this too. Takes everything to heart, becomes upset at criticism.
I think because they are in P5 school expect more maturity than average 9 year old can offer. At DS school homework volume and difficulty have been cranked up too.
Could there be any undercurrents of bullying?
Well worth a word with school.

He's only been there three weeks, and this has been the norm for much longer.

He will listen and agree when I tell him that he will be teased, not to show his emotions, play his cards close to his chest etc etc etc. Then it's the same story. He's just not that emotional at home - if he gets told off at home it just goes right over his head, but they never get told off at school!

I have told him until I'm blue in the face not to cry in front of the other kids .

Look, he just can't help it. This is NOT something that is under his control and guilt tripping him and scaring telling him by saying he will be ridiculed will make things 10 times worse. It may be true, but it won't make any difference.

I really feel for you - my DS was like this until he was 15. It was almost a relief when he was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome aged 13 - at least we had an explanation for why he found it so difficult to regulate his feelings - he was simply suffering from complete emotional overload.

He is now as gruff and phlegmatic a 17 year old as you'll find anywhere on the planet. Children do grow out of this phase, just takes longer for some.

I am a horrible mum. I had such a row with him this morning too. He drip feeds information, so what started out as a chin wobble with no-one around ends up as tears in the playground.

I had a migrane yesterday so was feeling quite crap, and with the resulting 'hangover' plus bloody awful PMT, I was like a bloody wolf with piles.

He had a club before school so I waited for him so that I had a chance to calm down. I gave him a hug and told him I loved him and was proud of him. He's just been playing footie so was a bit tired but seemed ok.

I Went off to work, sniff, snoooork. Feeling shitty. I need to sort out my bloody hormones. I remember my mum having bad goes at me about everything and I don't want to turn into her.

Oh Nice you and your DS sound exactly like us, repeating same behaviour again and again. We are always telling DS to give us the whole story at once andwe get to the cause of the bad behaviour and crying only once we are in a shouting match.
Wish I had some advice for you but you certainly have my sympathies. I constantly go to work feeling rubbish about leaving him upset after a row or crying because of something at school.
Our DS has been a little better since friends have been coming round. Would that help your DS?
Is he your only one?

Oh Nice, you sound like a lovely mum. DS1 is 8 and also drip feeds info, so annoying. Not any great advice to offer apart from agreeing with comments made by other posters.

I'm awful. I have two modes - my usual is fairly even, but I'm a slow burner and when I go I really erupt and it takes me a long time to get off the ceiling. We've had a crappy few years (both my parents dying, redundancy, yadda yadda) and I'm feeling very old these days. I have aged so much with the stress and I know its not his fault but I get so upset for him.

You know those two nupties in Peru that's been all over the news? I told him - see how they came clean and will (probably) get a lesser sentence? That's how it has to be - tell me up front if you have done something and you may well get a row - but if I find out later, you will get a much bigger row. He's probably going to tell his teachers that I am sending him to jail in Peru (he often doesn't really listen properly to what you tell him).

Maybe I should take up meditation or get some pills...

This might sound silly, but it really does work with my kids.

Give him the space to be very upset at home, to take the pressure off those feelings at school. This is from a book called 'What to do when your worries get too much' by Dawn Huebner.

Make some time on weekend morning, and start talking about being at school and thinking he has lost his book (or whatever is the usual trigger or scenario). Get him to draw pictures of the event, of his feelings, of the things he is scared or worried about, make up silly songs about it. Tell him, 'this is your worry time'.

Then, when he starts up at school, you say, or ask a teacher to say, 'you are going to think about this in your worry time, not right now.'

Gradually, the idea is that he contains those feelings for appropriate times, not any old time. It is a work in progress with my daughter but it is helping. It is knackering and frustrating, don't get me wrong, but it is what it is.

Schools are much nicer than when I was little.

As you know yourself you can't always control your emotions.

I would say do two things. First do something for yourself: counselling, mindfulness course, yoga, gym or whatever works for you. Give yourself some TLC.

For him, go and talk to his teacher, build a relationship with them. See what strategies they can offer, do they want to get the SECO involved? Allow him time to recharge at home, and realise this could be the opposite of what works for you; I have an introvert who needs to hide away for a bit, and an extrovert who needs lots of social interaction.

Good luck!