Advise on how to handle what I think is bullying at my daughter's school, she is only 5.

[Mrsmom12]

My daughter is 5 years old and started school in September. She used to love going to school and went to pre-school the year before and loved it!In January, things started to change, and I noticed that she wasn’t as happy going to school. She is randomly clingy going in some days and seems disheartened when the weekend ends.

She has been coming out of school most days with a tale about how her friend X said something mean about her drawing or X pulled her hair, and it always seems to be the same two girls. When she gets home, she asks to sit on the sofa and cuddle because it’s been a bad day, and she is sometimes losing interest in playing with her toys and being her usual self.When telling me the tales and the said children have heard, they scream in her face and say, "Well, you said it first," etc to which my daughter denies it and gets very upset. I can’t help but believe my daughter in these situations, 1) because of their aggressive behavior, 2) I have seen their behavior myself. I’ve seen them bullying and being cruel to others, including my daughter, and lying about it to their parents. So yes, the parents see and know, they just laugh and shrug it off. Other parents have gone directly to the parents to resolve this, and it’s just made it worse by saying, "Your mommy said this," etc although I’ve only heard this through playground chatter so I don’t know for sure. Hence why I don’t think it will do any good. The girls do have a reputation and are always in trouble at school.

I’ve told my daughter to start playing with new friends and have tried to teach her about self-respect. I’ve told her to tell the teacher, she has done this, and as the child then blames my child too, the teacher makes them both apologize, and my daughter can’t understand why and got confused by the whole thing. I can’t say for sure either, but as this happens so often, I think the teacher is just fed up with my child ‘telling tales,’ and they probably think she is annoying! I have spoken to the teacher myself; they have said they will keep an eye. I know all kids can have a different side to what we can see, but I can’t see my child being horrible and doing anything like these girls. The reason for this is she is so lovely and well-behaved at home. Yes, she is not perfect, I’m not blind, but I have seen her with other children and play with her cousins and friends from out-of-school activities, and they all play great and get along nicely. If it was happening everywhere, I’d be less concerned with school and probably have to look more at my daughter.Is my daughter just sensitive, and are 5-year-olds just generally like this as they are still young and learning? I’m just concerned and confused myself. It’s hard for me to think back or imagine 5-year-olds hitting and screaming at each other all day.

I’ve always told my daughter, do not hit back or do not shout back, just go to the teacher. Now I’m at my last resort, should I just tell her to hit back? I know that sounds just as bad and may not be the best parenting, but what’s the alternative, my child turning into a shell of who she used to be? Please, do you have any advice or any experience of this that might help me in this situation? I don’t want to see my daughter come in and cry anymore. Is this just a part of growing up? I just really don’t know! Help, please!

[1AngelicFruitCake]

No don’t tell her to hit that will escalate things.
Ask for a meeting with the teacher and ask them to explain what’s going on from their perspective.

Is it possible your daughter is part of things without meaning to be? I’ve had children in my reception classes who have difficulties but then don’t help by going to play with the children they struggle with then complain when they aren’t kind. Could that be happening?

[LittleGreenDragons]

Have you gone in and spoken to the teacher at all? I couldn't see that in your post.

Explain that your child is starting to dislike school and ask them if they had noticed anything. It might be something else rather than those friends. Then ask for a plan you both can follow.

EDIT - nvm, I saw the one line after posting. Ask for another meeting.

[Mrsmom12]

Yes I have had a formal meeting twice and spoke to the teacher a few times at the door, including this morning when the teacher had to help get her inside the classroom! She said she will keep an eye and that's all she does say.

And yes, that's a really good point she doesn't help herself, she continues to play with the children and that's why I've tried to teach her self respect and playing with others. I've calmly told her to play with others many times, she gets upset when I suggest this and says but I don't know if they want to be my friend. I try and build her up and tell her of course they will and give her some tips like asking X to play dolly's etc, or asking to join in something else, when she gets home I ask her how it went and she said she was too shy to ask and I can't tell her off for that so just stuck. It does make me wonder why she is too shy to make new friends but not too shy to be around children being horrible to her. Very confusing. I wish I could see what's going on for myself.

[LittleGreenDragons]

If the teacher is having to encourage her into class but just says she'll keep an eye out, then it’s not working.

Ask for a head teachers appointment. Don't accuse the other girls or the teacher, but simply ask for help and support and what they can offer. Emphasise that if this carries on DD will end up a school refuser which is something nobody wants. Is there another class she can be put in, for instance?

[OnceUponARainbow88]

If you’ve spoken to the class teacher twice with no positive outcome I would escalate and speak to an assistant head/ deputy/whatever your school calls it

[bakewellbride]

Has your school got a 'family liaison officer' or similar? Check on the school website.

I phoned mine twice and she really helped when a boy was being horrible to my 5 year old.

[Mrsmom12]

Yes I think I will do that, I was worried about the class teacher feeling belittled if I went above her, so I have been hesitant so far. I do try and not mention names, this morning the teacher asked my daughter herself who pulled her hair and if it was just a mistake or not. And then my daughter gets really shy and says she doesn't know, but I don't think a mistake would make her come home crying and not want to go in. Honestly the teacher probably just thinks well they are your friends you play with. My daughter's school only has one class per year so moving isn't an option unfortunately. Thank you for your help.

[CCLCECSC]

Failing that contact the governing body.

[AppleKatie]

ask for a meeting with the head/deputy and describe all the behaviour you mention here (being reluctant to go to school/sitting on the sofa needing comfort after school etc…).

then ask them what their plan is to help and support her, ask for regular check ins and further meetings. This has gone beyond ‘keep an eye’ territory.

[LittleGreenDragons]

this morning the teacher asked my daughter herself who pulled her hair and if it was just a mistake or not. 
Who the hell pulls hair by mistake?? That teacher sounds crap/uninterested if that is what she said, sounds like it is definitely the time to take the matter higher. If there is only one class then the teacher needs to put them on tables at opposite ends of classroom and keep an eye out near the cloakroom for playtime, and tell all the girls they need to stay away from each other in the playground or sit out for the duration/time out. There are ways but the teacher needs to start implementing them. Good luck.

[Maninthemoonsmiles]

it’s so hard to see your child upset and starting to not cope with school OP and isn’t right. Can you build up her confidence with some after school activities. Ask another mum of a different child to come to playground and back for tea etc and try to encourage some different friendships/clubs.

I would specifically tell her not to play with these bullies or it will just continue.

I worked in a primary school and they are always blahing onto children about not hitting back etc. I always strongly intervened if I found children being picked on but I have to say the reality in all the schools I worked in was survival of the toughest. Some children are very good at appearing good to the teachers and secretly being really horrible to weaker kids.

My daughter was picked on when we had to relocate and in the end I told her to kick back. She only did it once and the bullying stopped. I know this will be frowned on but I didn’t want her to be a victim. Hope you can find some solutions.

[Irridescantshimmmer]

? What actions have they taken, against actions of mean kids and stop perpetuating bullies safeguard your innocent child, from the blatant lies of the mean girls?who are your little girls' self esteem?

Remind the school they have a duty of care towards all children but not to be complacent towards the actions of the mean kids

Teachers showing intolerance towards the victims are perpetuating the bullying and the girls have the upper hand.

[OnceUponARainbow88]

As a teacher if a parent raised something with me twice and the outcome didn’t change I would understand if they went above me.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

I think action plan is
Speak to teacher and say you want a meeting with her and head/deputy about the girls and how to help your child make new friends

Help your child to understand that these aren’t friends and if she keeps playing with them then this will keep happening, lots of praise for finding a new child to play with

Try to take the focus off these girls by getting play dates with other children she mentions