A bullying adult parent

[Tallular66]

It’s taken a lot of courage for me to write this as I feel so ashamed.

I’m 57 and feel like I’m still being bullied by my 82 year old mother.
I’m not in the best of health, I broke my back in road accident ten years ago and I’m currently having treatment for an Abscess on my Liver. (She’s not aware of this)

I’m the oldest of three and she was always unkind to us as children. I’d come home from school at 11 and have to cook tea for the whole family whilst she did nothing. My revision for my O Levels suffered badly, yet she never realised it was down to her.

I met a wonderful man 22 years ago and I moved 200 miles to live with him, then 8 years ago she and my Dad came to live 15 miles near us. 😢 My Dad passed away 2 years ago after suffering from Vascular Dementia and now I’ve become his replacement.
I spent 6 weeks with them, caring for him, he’s my Dad, I wanted to be there, but she never once asked if I was ok, I supported her, my siblings and my children. She has never once asked me or my siblings about the loss of Dad, nothing.

she’ll ring or text me up to 9 times a day, if I don’t answer she’ll contact my husband then my son to find out where I am. She wants visiting every week, jobs doing, shopping, taking out on visits and the classic is taking her to have her Covid jab that is a mile up the road from her house.. Yet it’s a 30 mile round trip for me.
She never contacts my brother or sister, complains about them to me, but leaves them alone and I have to admit it’s all making me ill.

I dread the phone ringing, dread going round to see her because it’s just an endless list of things she’s wants doing, or where she wants taking.
And… all this sounds like I’m the most ungrateful person in the world, I should be lucky to have a Mum. But when you’re mum has ordered you around for your whole life and you realise you’re at breaking point and you can’t say No, what do I do.

I feel hopeless and pathetic, I can’t stand up to her, but every time I try I just feel like that little girl again being spanked. 😔

[autiebooklover]

Text her say it's too much and you will visit once a week and ignore further messages

[Turquoiseseas]

Set clearer boundaries with yourself including how often / when you'll respond to texts and calls ect. Just think about what your comfortable doing and what works and start consistently doing those things.

[AudiobookListener]

Stop feeling guilty.

Decide how much/little you want to do. It's okay to practice unconditional virtue (give more than you will receive) IF that's what YOU want. It doesn't make you a mug. Set your boundaries based on what you want.

But, but, but. If contact with your mother is making you ill, it is fine to step right back. If you find you can't control the situation and keep getting sucked into doing more than you can cope with, it may be necessary for your own well-being to cut all contact.

Find easier ways to help. Next time she needs a lift, just say "That's too far for me, I've booked you a taxi for 10.00am, don't forget your purse". Or find a local good-neighbour volunteer scheme to take her.

Of course she'll likely kick off the first time, but remember no adult has the right to happiness at someone else's expense.

[AndreyMal]

Just say her what you feel and trust me she will understand, but you need to stop ruining your life

[EducatingArti]

I would suggest you try and find some counselling to help you with this as the boundary setting is really hard when you have had a lifetime of being made to feel frightened and guilty.
Boundary setting is the way to go ( as people upthread have suggested) but it is hard to do to start with, without support. She will try all the old "tricks" to get you to comply with what she wants and it will be hard to deal with as she will make you feel very guilty and "obliged" to help her. Actually you aren't obliged to do this .

You may find these podcasts really helpful!
https://spotify.link/bf30DhfFbEb

[PotOfViolas]

Tell her you can help once a week and if she needs more than that to contact your siblings. If she needs more than that look into a local volunteer befriender scheme. They won't have the same history with her so will probably find it easier.

Tell your ds and dh that they are welcome to answer the phone to her but you won't be nagged into being her slave. She didn't even cook an evening meal for you when you were a kid. Just made you do it.

[greengreengrass25]

Poor you OP

Hope you start to feel better and set some boundaries

Could you talk to your siblings about this, are they sympathetic

[REP22]

Bless you. I am so sorry.

You can say no and disengage with your mother. You don't owe her anything.

And you shouldn't feel guilty. She was not the parent to you that you deserved. It's awful, and sometimes you have to grieve for the parent you never had (often with unhelpful voices around you saying "I'd do anything for my mum!" "You only get one mum!" "You're lucky to have her!". Ignore those people - they can't understand what it is like and it won't help).

You can block the calls, or set time limits. Put her on speakerphone and let her talk while you do other things. But "no" can be a complete sentence. She can be blocked from your DH and son's phones as well.

If neither you nor your siblings want (or are able to) to deal with her then she either has to manage these things for herself - and plenty of people do - or she will need an assessment and a social care package put in place. You could limit her calls to once a week and end them as soon as the shrieking/ranting starts. Go 'grey rock' - listening without response or only offering responses so dull that they can't be seized upon for comment/abuse.

It sounds like you are at breaking point, I am so sorry. But don't let her destroy whatever of you there is left. Your life and health are important too.

There must be reasons why your siblings don't engage. Make your boundaries strong so that you aren't broken by her any further.

There's a wonderful thread on here called "Well we took you to stately homes" (so called because the original creator's parents justified a lifetime of damage/abuse by saying that their childhood was wonderful, visiting NT properties, etc.). It's full of sympathy, kindness, understanding and good advice. The latest thread is here: September 2023 - well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward is an excellent book to read which you may find helpful.

You are NOT hopeless. You are NOT pathetic. You are NOT ungrateful. You are a lovely, caring person who has been utterly ground down by an abusive parent and narcissist.

I hope that you are able to find some support and, maybe, counselling for what you have suffered and continue to endure and find the strength to break free. I hope this is the first step for you on a path towards many happier days. You can do it. You don't have to be her slave, her carer, or her victim any longer.

Every good wish to you. xx

[Em3978]

You need to set your boundaries and tell her. But be warned that it often comes with repercussions.

3 times this year I've had to tell my dad (mum has the start of dementia) that I can't be their slave/on call taxi driver/give up work for them/abandon my family to look after them. He didn't take it well, I've been completely ignored for weeks (honestly though, 3 weeks with no phonecalls was bliss for a while!), they've told other people that I'm a bad daughter etc. Even my 96yr old Grandma was a flying monkey for them for a while. But I'm not superwoman, I have my own disabilities and my own life to live with my family.

My husband refuses to let me visit them alone now. Dad isn't quite so crazy when there's someone else there.

[wildwestpioneer]

Tell her you'll visit her once a week. Your dh and ds blocks her number.

[Londonnight]

Please set some boundaries with your mother. My grandmother was a very difficult woman, and made my own mum's life hell from childhood onwards. She very much ruled everything, even when my mum married and moved out.
Whatever you do will never been good enough.

My mother is now late 80's, my grandmother has been dead for over 25 years, but her attitude towards my mum still very much effects her. I wish my own mother had stood up to her mother many years ago as it has affected her for a lifetime. Don't let the same thing happen to you.

[Dizzybelle]

So just because someone is related to you, they are allowed to abuse you? Would you let a friend or stranger treat you like this?

Anyone can become a parent, even the shittiest of people and being a parent does not make a person sacred. You’ve already done too much for her, you owe her absolutely nothing. I think you should call your siblings and tell them that you can no longer look after your mother. Shes not your responsibility and you absolutely need to look after yourself and your own family. Blood is not thicker than water.