Books to help with assertiveness, avoiding bullying?

[bookeater]

Dd (13) is suffering at the hands of Queen Bees at school.

She's quite quiet and reserved and tends to dissolve into tears if intimidated. She needs to toughen up a lot bit.

Any suggestions please for books that would help give her strategies and the confidence to stand up to them?

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Tikitikitembo!!!!

Nosarembocharibariruchipipperipembo!!!

I LOVED that book as a child!!!

[mollyroger]

great thread, thanks. Have ordered bullies, bigmouth etc.

[Bellbird]

'Seven Day Bully Buster' - which was one of a set of four titles including 'Stress Buster'. My dd has found the latter really helpful, but knows she has the former book if a crisis arose. This bully is the one with some kind of borderline personality disorder.

There was a big ego in my class who was a real user. She charmed anyone who would help her, but dumped them mercilessly as soon as they'd outgrown their usefulness. Queen Bees are often smart but self-serving and manipulative - they don't mind win-win situations, but will fall to pieces if shit hits the fan and will then show their true colours.. See 'The Apprentice' for classic examples!

[bookeater]

Brilliant - thanks for that.

[stickylittlefingers]

Hi - Jenny Alexander (who wrote the bullies, bigmouths and so-called friends) also wrote a book for adults.

when your child is bullied

We haven't had any big problems yet ourselves, I suppose but dd1's best friend had some difficulties in her first years at school with a rather horrible bigger boy, which obviously was upsetting for dd1 too even if it wasn't directed at her. It's amazing how useful some of the strategies are for adults as well, even if you aren't being "bullied" as such, it perhaps makes some situations easier.

I do hope your dd finds things improve. IME one good friend was all it took - once that one person obviously really liked me, I came off the menu for the bullies, simple as that. Despite being a complete nerd! :)

[bookeater]

Wynken - glad to hear your dd is finding ways to defend herself and be happy. Hopefully everyone recognises a QB's behaviour for what it is and as a group find the strength not to tolerate it. Glad your dd's year head is helping too.

Tiki - thank you, .

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

Bookeater, a lot of sympathy from me, DD who is 11 has issues with one girl who is 'at the center of a number of friendship issues' according to the teacher.

That is encouraging to see that another girl is breaking away from Queen Bee. What has been happening with DD is that she broke up DD's friendship with one girl and isolated her. DD has found another group of girls, one of which was friends with QB but on the receiving end of her nasty games and had enough. She's saying nasty things about DD to one of the other girls in the group but what is happening is that they are all outraged at her behaviour and becoming stronger friends as a result, so back firing on QB. They all went to the head of year yesterday about her who said he'd talk to her today and told them all not to let this girl's behaviour break them up. I am busy behind the scenes making sure that DD sees people outside school to strenghten the friendships.

Fingers crossed something similar will happen with your DD. Some great advice on here and I'm going to get a couple of the books as I know we are no where finished with this saga yet and DD has braces being fitted before Christmas and I just know there will a whole load of crap coming her way about them.

[Tikitikitembo]

that was luck not luch BTW

[Tikitikitembo]

"Also, I don't want to make you feel bad, but bullied children are often children who aren't getting support elsewhere." This is utter nonsense. Being bullied is nothing to do with the child who is being bullied at all!

I have known countless children who have been bullied that are very well supported by parents. Being bullied is very random and more down to luch than anything else. If you put a child in a different school (and they are not yet damaged by the previous issue) the problem often goes away.

The problem is nothing to do with the family of the child that is bullied or the child itself. It is just chance that a child ends up in a social group with perhaps one powerful individual that takes a dislike to them. It can happen to anybody, at any life stage.

Good luck with dd OP

[bookeater]

Thanks for your comments. Some painful life lessons going on here but they have to be learnt! Bullies are everywhere, sadly, and always will be.

Surviving this stuff can make you stronger so I'm hanging on to that for dd.

Good point about the humour - I need to lighten up a bit too and make sure dd knows that some of what goes on is as ridiculous and vacuous as it appears. Ta.

[BonzoDooDah]

I'm going to second buying your daughter the book Bullies, Bigmouths and So-called Friends
It is a fabulous book full of advice on how to tackle all of the above. I think it is unusual that it helps with friends who are being grots and not just bullies. There is no difference between the different versions - they did a pink and a blue - but have now made it red. The advice is the same - and very good. I bought the book for all the children I knew (who could read).

When I read the book I cried as I wished soemone had given me that advice as a child. I thought you ignored bullies and they went away. WRONG! So it is not all about how to build up your confidence but what to do and how - invaluable.

And breastmilk it is not enough to say the bullies shouldn't be doing it. We all know that. But what if (like here) it is a snotty friend who is being manipulative? You can't run to the teacher on everything - you need to build defences and answers and confidence too.

[Gonesouth]

Dealing with this kind of thing as a parent is awful.

One coping strategy used in our family is to inject a little humour into the moment.

My DD has had difficult times with other girls. I tried to find something funny for her to think about when dealing with a certain child. Her reply was that she thought that the child had a face like a fried egg... everytime she was faced with her, she thought of a fried egg. This, and several other supportive measures we have used has brought my DC to a much better place in her life.

The bullies will always be there, you just have to choose to leave them behind. Our mantra - be smarter than them, be one sttep ahead. Usually, thats a pretty easy thing to do. Bullies are not the brightest of people and in my experience, neither are their parents.

And please do not be afraid to use the formal channels at school. It shouldn't be your last resort.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

That all sounds very promising, bookeater. And I'm really impressed that your DD stood up for her own values rather than going along with QueenBee.

[bookeater]

Thanks for all your kind comments.

Dd had a better day today, and found out that Queen Bee's best friend is trying to extricate herself from that friendship because she is not happy with the way she's being treated either, and says she would rather be friends with (the lovely, kind) dd!

That's a good message for dd to hear. And at least being pushed out has forced dd to extend her range of acquaintances which means she is out of her comfort zone, but I think at the end of the day that will be very positive. Clouds/silver linings etc.

Speedy, dd refused to cooperate with something Queen Bee was insisting on on Friday and hopefully drawing that line in the sand will earn dd some sort of respect (short of giving her a thump!!!)

[deaddei]

Can she come up with some smart remarks or ask the bully to repeat herself "sorry didn't hear that from up here" sort of thing.

[poshsinglemum]

Queen Bees and wanabees is great. It's for parents and you can work through it togather. It helped me with my demons too.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Oh, bookeater, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Your poor DD and poor you.

I take the view that both bullies and the bullied need to change - there has to be, after all, a reason why some people stand up to bullies and some don't. So I think you're doing the right thing by supporting your DD in this way. I remember that the day I thumped a school bully was the day he stopped picking on me, after several years of ongoing taunting. He said that he now 'respected' me. The dollard. But hey, it worked. I've heard this story repeated lots on MN by parents/ teachers who've seen the same thing happen. I also believe that this is an important lesson which bullies and bullied children can benefit from throughout their lives - not only do bullies need to learn that their actions are harmful and wrong, but they need to learn to value their 'victims' as much as the victims need to value themselves.

Have you tried getting her involved in something like judo/ kickboxing, etc etc? The more things you can do to help augment her self-value and therefore her confidence that not only can she stand up for herself, but that she is worth standing up for, the better.

[odisco]

Maybe it is just me but I have never, ever seen or heard someone admit to being the bully rather than the bullied. Wouldn't it be interesting to get that perspective? Just thinking.

[AuntyJ]

Bookeater - glad you are being proactive in supporting your daughter. I was bullied relentlessly in the 4th yr seniors as a result my exam results were poor and I moved school for 6th form.
The one saving grace that built my confidence was I was good at sport and I loved training and competiting. That gave me an edge on the bullies.
You say that your daughter enjoys youth club, encourage her in that. Outside friendships and activites in my experience gave me something to look fwd to.

All I can say is that feel your pain, but it does get better!

[bookeater]

Yes, she's a bit slouchy trying to hide her height, and always looks a bit solemn. A children's assertiveness class would be great, but I can't find one. I guess they would advise on body language etc.

[SickOnMyShoulder]

How about a dance class or kids yoga? Just learning how to stand tall and confidently masy make a great difference. Also, might give her a chance to make new friends in a smaller, more friendly environment.

[escorchio]

I'll second the book Celia mentioned. Not a cure all by any means, but full of helpful supportive advice.

[bookeater]

Haha, well we're appproaching it softly as this particular girl is in dd's social group, e.g. they'll be at the same birthday party shortly. So if things can be sorted subtly and amicably, this is better to my mind that a full blown confrontation, bullying policy invoked etc.

I appreciate your insistence though . I will bear what you say in mind as I was slow to inform the school in the first place, hoping it would all blow over.