Bad mother for not wanting to breastfeed?

[Expectantmum]

Does it make me a bad mother for not wanting to breastfeed at all? I have thought about it so much since I fell pregnant (I am now 20 weeks) and it just doesn't appeal to me at all. To start with, again, I was born in 1974 and my mum decided not to breastfeed me and it has done me absolutely no harm at all. I am scared and nervous at being a mum for the first time, I want my partner to be involved as much as possible, but in reality, I just don't like the idea of breastfeeding. Am I wrong to feel the way I do? I do feel society dictates that you should breastfeed but surely its my right to decide whats best?

[stupidgirl]

I agree with those who say give it a go. It was something I was passionate about and bf'd my kids long term. BF is hard and painful for the first few days, but once you get the hang of it, IMO it is wonderful. I really enjoyed it. You also avoid all the hassle of measuring, sterilising, carrying bottles round with you etc.

On the other heand, it is a personal decision. Breastfeeding and being miserable about it just because you think you should isn't a good situation for anyone.

Keep an open mind and don't be pressured. BW.

[nightowl]

theres nothing wrong with people suggesting you give it a try or at least find out more about it, its good to hear differing opinions but there will be some people (im not saying here... maybe relatives, friends, proffesionals) who will try to pressure you into it. i heard it all from some members of my family "look at that disgusting bottle in your baby's mouth" etc etc. whatever decision you make, be aware that it is totally up to you. one midwife i saw several times (she was a lovely person) was very involved with all the breastfeeding issues (apologies, i'm not sure what her official title was now but she was nominated for some award) but when she asked me about it i simply said that it was something i wouldnt consider and she never questioned me, treated me any differently or tried to pile me with lots of information. i respected that because all it would have done was make me feel guilty..it wouldnt have changed my mind. as a mother there's plenty more i feel guilty about so its nice i didnt have that to contend with too. if the reason you dont want to breastfeed is from hearing the horror stories about it then by all means find out more..you may be pleasantly surprised, but dont ever feel any less of a mother if you chose not to.

[Spongebob]

Why dont you give it a little try? Even for a day or two? If your really hate it, then quit, what have you got to lose. I hated it to begin with...but stuck it out, then grew to love it! I was totally gutted when I gave up (DS's decision!

[pinotgrigio]

I found bf a doddle too and was gutted when DD decided she didn't want to bf any more.

I found sterilising bottles, measuring formula, having to work out how long I'd be out and pack stacks of bottles a huge chore - when I bf I didn't have to bother. So, don't assume that bottle feeding is the easy option!

You're so busy with a baby that sometimes its a relief to HAVE to sit down and bf. I always enjoyed it.

Congratulations on your pg. Make as much time for yourself as possible now .

[NotQuiteCockney]

And please don't assume you have to be really dedicated or have lots of support. Breastfeeding can be really easy, depending on the baby, the mother and (most importantly I think) their state when they arrive.

DS1 had a traumatic ("elective") section, came out slightly under-cooked, oxygen, antibiotics and 30 hours in SCBU. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. DS2 had an easy ("emergency") section, came out fully cooked, skin-to-skin in theatre, latched on in recovery. Breastfeeding is a total doddle.

[Beansmum]

I agree with littleweed. Also it's very easy to give up breastfeeding and move onto bottles, but not so easy to start bottle feeding and then change your mind.

[littleweed]

soory but I think you should go into it with an open mind & and least give it a try. you'll never know if it could have worked if you don't..

[HappyMumof2]

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[HeyEnidYouveLostWeight]

Stop thinking about it! You've got ages to go yet and you may change your mind when baby is born, good luck x E

[artyjoe]

EM, if the thought of breastfeeding makes you uncomfortable, then don't do it or worry yourself any more about changing your mind about the decision once you have made it!

My baby is three weeks old tomorrow and has been bottlefed from birth, is a contented beautiful baby and I am a contented guilt free mum! The hospital made it VERY easy for me, one midwife asked if I had changed my mind and when I said no, that was that, no guilt, no problems, no sore nipples or crying baby.

My next door neighbour has a four week old and watching her makes me realise it really is the best decision for me, although I'm sure she'd say breastfeeding is fantastic for her.

Whatever your decision, which I personally recommend you DO make now and then stop thinking about it and try and enjoy the pregnancy (!), you are halfway towards having a completely new and rewarding life...congratulations x

[franke]

I did a bf 'workshop' before my first was born. It was a three hour session with an active birth teacher, and not expensive. It was an excellent way to get informed and I came away thinking that there would be no reason why I couldn't do it if I chose to. Like with so much around childbirth, I think women can feel that they are set up for failure. I find the best way to counter this is to get informed. From what you're saying em there is a large element of the fear of the unknown. Maybe if you found out a bit more info about bf, from someone who knows, you will either feel more relaxed about what it involves or you can definitely decide that it is not for you.
By the way, I did bf and found that having done the bf session helped to feel less stressed about all the conflicting advice I was given in hospital about it when dd arrived.
Good luck with the pg and enjoy your lo whether you bf or not. You're certainly not going to be a bad mum

[kid]

I don't think it makes you bad mother if you choose not to breastfeed. I didn't breastfeed DD or DS. At the time, I thought it was the right choice for me. I did however regret not trying it as I don't intend to have any more kids so know I never will do it. I still have a bond with my kids and know it wouldn't of made any difference if I had breastfed or not.
The MW really tried to convince me to BF when I had DD but I refused. After a couple of days they just left me alone. It is the mothers choice and I don't think that anyone has the right to try and make up your mind for you.

[expatinscotland]

I agree w/nailpolish as well. I wanted to breastfeed, but had a lot of complications after an assisted delivery which led to my not being able to. Yet I felt so much pressure and guilt I think my PND was worsened by it. How unnecessary! Think of it this way - would a 'bad' mum even stop to consider this so intensely? Health is wealth, and a major part of that is your sense of well-being.

[nightowl]

expectantmum,
you probably will find, as people have said, many heated discussions about this on mn. i think breastfeeding is a lovely, natural thing and maybe you will change your mind...who's to know?

at the same time i will be completely honest and say i have never breastfed. i have never considered it. ive never tried it. if i have more children, i never will breastfeed. i dont think its wrong, i dont think its disgusting, i dont think it would have caused me any hassle. they were not my reasons. all the same, its something i just wont do. my reasons for this are not medical but they are not anyone else's business either. im thankful that my midwife understood. she never questioned me about it. no-one ever tried to bully me into it. it's your decision. its your baby and your body. it doesnt make you a bad mum at all.

[Levanna]

Expectantmum, congratulations .
So much to think about at this stage isn't there?! I am 'pro' breastfeeding (I love it!). To say otherwise would be untrue, but I feel strongly that the most important thing for a new mum and her new LO is happiness. If you try breastfeeding (and you may feel entirely comfortable about trying it when your LO is born) but you really dislike it, then move on, without guilt ("society eh ....where on earth have I left my cigs" ). On the other hand, if your feelings are based on practicalities such as expressing from 4 months on or your DP's involvement it is well worth looking into options which will make breastfeeding a feasible option for you (many suggested here already). I did encounter problems feeding DD1, I could have done with much more support than I got (but then again, I wasn't on Mumsnet back then, only wish I had been!). During my second pregnancy I looked down to see my breasts leaking one time and my stomach churned in revulsion. I really didn't know how I (mentally/emotionally) was going to cope with breastfeeding this time 'round. But, when DD2 was born it felt perfect to breastfeed and has gone brilliantly ever since.
You are far from alone in feeling scared and nervous at being a mum for the first time . Try not to worry, enjoy your pregnanacy and do whatever makes you happy .

[Joolstoo]

I agree with nailpolish.

I didn't breastfeed my 3 either and have never felt, guilty, bad or inadequate.

However I would have to concede that breast IS best but it is certainly your right to choose.

[Flossam]

As others have said, I really wouldn't let the thought of going back to work stop you from giving feeding a go if that is what you think you would like. It is a rewarding experience. When I go back to work I will be doing 12hour shifts, and be out of the house from 6 - 9.30. I still hope to be breastfeeding by then though so I can come home and have a lovely cuddle while BF DS. Have you joined a ante natal group on here yet? You'll find lots of support there too from women going through the same stage of pg as you. Good luck with baby

[mears]

are there 2 of these threads. I posted to Expectantmum but was that on another one? Anyway, EM you can breastfeed and still return to work without the need for expressing if that is your concern. You just bottlefeed when you are at work and breastfeed when you are home.

[SkiBunnyFlummy]

But if it doesn't then you might get a bit more kip if hubby can give a bottle. But don't think that works that well though as I always wake up whenever baby wakes even when dp is in charge, I just lie there awake wanting to know what is going on if she is taking bottle etc.

[SkiBunnyFlummy]

Bet you do want to when your baby arrives. I did, it just seems the loveliest thing to do to be able to feed your baby everything it needs without getting out of bed. I think nature takes over a little bit.

[HunkerMunker]

Highlander, that's not quite all the story. There are some fantastic midwives in the NHS and a lot of women do breastfeed successfully from the start, without pain.

Yes a lot of women have problems, yes a lot of the 'support' out there is rubbish, and that needs addressing (anyone want to write to their MP tonight at all, ladies?!), but not all women have problems, not by a long way.

[highlander]

it's all very well saying 'you may want to BF when your baby is born', but BF is too tricky and the NHS will not give you adequate support, for anyone to take it up with no prior knowledge. IMO, to BF successfully, you have to be 200% comitted to it, be aware of the pitfalls and how to deal with them and, most importantly, have a solid support team behind you. It's physically and emotionally exhausting, bloody painful in the first 10 days............. but very rewarding once you get going

Your DH will still have plenty time to bond with the baby if you BF. For example, my DH used to get up and do the nappy changes then hand DS to me for feeding. He used to take him for walks in the Baby Bjorn as well and they both loved it .

I think at the end of the day, there are advantages and disadvantages to both bottle and breast. Pick the one that your gut feeling says is best for you. Search the archives here on MN for witty ripostes for the criticism you'll receive (applies to breast and bottle!!)

Don't worry, there's a million things that some smart arse will criticise you for when you're a mum - it's part of the game.

Good Luck!!

[oops]

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[Chandra]

Expectantmum, don't worry what would it happen when you return to work, I worried so much about the same and did not even got pass the first month. Taking the thing one step at a time makes them definitively easier. Good luck! and as the others have said, it's your decision

[Expectantmum]

Well thanks ladies - you've certainly given me lots to think about and I realise my options are far better than I realised!

I must get on with some work, or me worrying about what happens by the end of the year will be irrelevant when I get sacked for chatting with you lot. I'll be opening a new conversation "Sacked for chatting on Mumsnet"!! ha ha ha!!