Husbands attitude to breastfeeding

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

I am breastfeeding our 6 month old. We started introducing solids last week but other than that I have been EBF the entire time. Baby won't take a bottle of any milk, even expressed breast milk. I like breastfeeding and find it saves me prepping bottles etc. I would like to leave baby some expressed milk and go to the gym a couple of times a week but I can't do that because he won't drink from a bottle and if I am out of his sight for more than 5 minutes he screams and gets very upset and won't calm down until I return and take him from my husband / other relative. So I happy to put my gym desires on hold for a while.

My husband however thinks that I should just go the gym and leave baby with him and that he will just get on with it (whilst baby screams until I return). DH has said "well you can't breastfeed forever you know" and "I want to look after the baby". I feel that this attitude is not very supportive. It seems like he wants me to stop breastfeeding sooner rather than later. He has tried giving expressed milk to baby and baby just screamed and gagged and refused the bottle. Expressing is fucking hard work and I am not doing it to then see my precious milk thrown away. Obviously this is not a LTB scenario, but how do I make the dinosaur see that our baby is fine to breastfeed for a good while yet and that milk will be his main source of nutrition for some time? It would be nice to feel that my husband fully supports me to breastfeed our son until he is at least a year old.

[Coconut0il]

It's definitely not the BF. I bf DS1 and am bf DS2, doing nothing different this time to last but DS1 was a laid back chap who would go to anyone and DS2 needs more reassurance and wants me a lot more.
It is getting easier now that DS2 is easier to distract with toys and playing, just keep doing what you are doing. My DP said something similar to me about DS2 just loving his Mommy lots, they just have different personalities.

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

No, he isn't clueless, he was great when the others were babies. He is stressed and tired and the baby is very demanding. He is very good at rocking baby to sleep when he is overtired and cranky but he cannot console him when he is crying for me. I think DH feels a bit hopeless because whatever calming methods he tries nothing works.
Last night DH did say that the baby is just a baby who loves his mummy and sees me as the centre of his world. It was nice to hear something other than "it's because of the breastfeeding" but i am going to continue having a workout a few times each week.

[MajesticWhine]

I feel sorry for you. Is DH a bit clueless? Has he actually tried different things to calm the baby down, or does he just sit down and expect DS to sit and watch the football with him? Keep going with leaving the house, even if it is just to the garage. It's really important that your DH learns how to look after a baby so that you get a bit of space to yourself.

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

Just a quick update - I set up the gym equipment in the garage on the day I started the thread and went for a 30 min workout that evening. Baby screamed whilst with DH for almost the entire 30 minutes (not the first 5 minutes I was gone) and was retching by the time I came back into the house due to his level of upset. I could hear him crying the whole time as the garage is attached to the house but I resisted the urge to stop what I was doing to go and comfort him. As soon as I came back in the house DH handed baby over to me despite me being sweaty and needing a shower first. I had to tell DH to bath baby whilst I took a shower (that way baby would be able to see me showering and would be calm).
Last night I went for another workout in the garage. DH wanted me to wait until baby was asleep because he knew baby would be upset and he wanted to watch football but I wasn't going to wait until that late so I got changed and handed baby over. As expected baby screamed the entire 30 minutes again and DH handed him over as soon as I came back into the house.
DH using breastfeeding as an excuse for baby's clinginess is clearly just him ignoring the fact that he is part of the problem in that he isn't trying to be as involved as he says he wants to be. Admittedly, he was always much more involved with our older children, but they were easy going babies who couldn't care less if I was present in the room or gone for the whole day.

[AlleyCatandRastaMouse]

I would try to support the relationship between the baby and your DH when you are in the house to begin with. Him doing nappy changes, baths etc. I really don't think BF is remotely the problem for you both but rather your DH wants to foster his parenting relationship by some kind of 'remote' parenting. The father child relationship is harder fought one that the mother child since the mother has an inbuilt comforter so the dad needs to put in the spade work which your DH clearly is not doing. My DC3 was BF for 2+ years but his Dad was always doing his share along the way which kept him a close second in the parenting stakes.

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

Thanks for the reassurance coconut, I'm sure we will get through this as baby gets older.

I am definitely not one of these mums who is afraid to hand her children over to others for short periods of time. I went back to work full time when my oldest child was only four months old and I was fine with it as he was a chilled out baby who was happy to be cared for my others. But the new baby is a different child and I do feel guilty if I know he has been screaming and very upset for half an hour because I am not there - wouldn't most people feel guilty about that?

[Coconut0il]

It's so hard to enjoy going out when you think your baby will be at home crying. My DS1 was so laid back and content I could leave him from an early age and never had any worries. DS2 is a different personality, he very much likes to be held by me and he does often cry if anyone else tries to hold him. DP does find it harder to settle him. I have left him a few times and the first time I came back DS was hysterical. I felt awful. Definitely don't think it is a BF issue. I BF both, they just have different characters. DS2 is 7 months now and pretty predictable in terms of when he will be in the best mood. I try to leave him with DP during those times. He is normally chilled out in the morning so I leave DP with him then. He can get pretty unsettled after 7pm so would try not to arrange anything after that. Like you OP DP does lots with DS1 who is 12 now, we just accept that DS2 is currently a bit more clingy to me and we work round that.

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

Yes I do love him and want to be with him long term. I wouldn't have had children with him otherwise. I wouldn't divorce my husband because we don't see eye to eye on every issue. As I said he spends a lot of time with our older children and wants to spend more time with the baby but seems to think my breastfeeding is the barrier and also thinks that the baby is getting too big to be still breastfeeding.

He comes from a different culture where babies are weaned off the Breast very young and given solids from 2-3 months old.

Gosh, we have been through much tougher times than this issue and we have never wanted to split. I wouldn't chuck away almost 2 decades of a relationship because my baby is very clingy and me and my husband disagree on breastfeeding past 6 months. I would just like him to stop thinking that I need to stop breastfeeding and that baby will suddenly be happier with him if I do so. I plan to breastfeed for some time yet.

[Jemappelle]

To me it seems crucial to ask if you do want to be with him longer term/love him etc?

Do you see a future with him? Growing old etc?

Because what you see long term would determine how you act and respond and feel in the now.

[LittleRedSparke]

" DH can't manage the crying and has thrust screaming baby at me each time As soon as I have returned"

this is ok, you just have to build up the time with DH and then leave the house so you are not tempted to take over (i mean in this in the nicest way)

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

Oh and just remembered that the one thing DH is very good at and does a lot is getting baby to sleep by rocking him to music when he is overtired and cranky. I unable to do that as baby knows I have milk and wants to suckle to sleep.

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

This thread has been really helpful.
I do find it difficult to hear ds crying when I know i can stop it and I need to work on managing that. I think DH also doesn't like the crying when he knows that I can stop it almost instantly.

I am going to set up some gym equipment in the garage so I can start working out there whilst leaving DH with baby before I attempt to go to the gym. We already have a treadmill and an exercise bike and my mum will lend me her cross trainer.

I am going to try and remember that DH does a lot for our older children (I do too) so he isn't totally lazy.

I am going up continue breastfeeding and can only hope that DH stops seeing it as the cause of baby's clinginess to me. I am concerned that he wants me to stop breastfeeding as he thinks baby is getting too big to be breastfed.

[TimeOfGlass]

If you ask him to do bathtime again would he? He's bound to get better at it if he does it more.

Or do what Jasper suggests to try and get the baby more used to daddy cuddles and daddy smells.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

Your DH needs to build a positive bond with your aquarium baby so that baby sees him as a source of comfort. This should initially be built by positive experiences together- bath time, playing, walk in a sling- before DH tries to comfort him whilst you're out. At weekends I would get DH to take the lead with baby for the next month- carry him in a sling if you have one, play with him whilst you do something else in same room- baby knows you are there so doesn't get upset and can focus on enjoying Daddy.

Once your son bonds with his dad more he will be more readily comforted by him when you go out.

Personally I wouldn't just leave baby with DH until some more bonding has occurred. He is less likely to calm down when he is crying, your DH will get stressed, and that will upset baby more.

Keep offering various bottles and cups, at some point he will take one!

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

" "I want to look after the baby". I feel that this attitude is not very supportive. " - this sounds very supportive to me, he is encouraging you to go out

What he says and what he does is 2 different things. I hand baby to him but as soon as baby starts crying and isn't easily consoled DH hands him back to me. DH does indeed want to look after him but only when he is being a happy baby and when it is convenient to DH (not when sports are on in the evenings or in the early mornings). I do have feelings of resentment and frustration and am sick of DH blaming it on breastfeeding when baby is only feeding every 2-3 hours during the day and a feed only lasts 10 minutes.

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

I think the problem is that you have concluded that he is lazy, and resentment has set in.

Yes, this is part of the problem.

[Iamnotloobrushphobic]

How do you know for sure that baby won't calm down after you've left?

He didn't calm down last time I went for a run or the previous time I left him with DH when I went to the shops (was out about half an hour). This isn't our first baby but he is the first one who hasnt calmed down within 10 minutes of me going out. DH can't manage the crying and has thrust screaming baby at me each time As soon as I have returned.
It also wasn't his first bath time the other night just his first in months so o go through showing him where things are etc knowing that he won't do bath time again for weeks / months and I will have to show him again.

[JasperDamerel]

I had a baby who fed constantly and wouldn't take a bottle so I know how you feel, and it hard to leave a baby with the baby has been used to only you for comfort up to this point.

My advice is going to be a different to other people's in that I think that the first thing that needs to happen is for the baby to start seeing your DH as a source of comfort and security? Do you have a sling? If so, feed the baby until he is sleepy and then get your DH to take him out for a walk while he goes to sleep. He will be snuggled up close, and smell daddy smells. He should come home before the baby wakes up so that you can feed him. One he's had his milk, you go out for a little while (15 minutes) while your DH plays with him and changes his nappy.

Most dads with bottle-refusing boob-crazy babies learn to care for their babies through nappy changes, bathing and dressing, and that is s sensible way for him to catch up with you on the parenting front. But when he does do stuff, you have to let him make mistakes. When your baby was new, you didn't know what to do either, and had to deal with him crying until you worked out the right thing to do, and you have to give him the chance to do that, too.

[petalsandstars]

Agree, this isn't a bf issue, if the baby was 6 weeks and dad was not doing much and blaming bf then I can kind of see that maybe he needs to learn how to do things and it's still all new.

But this is 6 months of him not stepping up to learn how to settle or bathe baby. Not being able to calm a 6 month old down when mum is absent for 20 mins is understandable for a friend or grandparent that they don't know very well - unless dad has been working away for 6 months he really has no excuse.

[Onsera3]

I'd try to work on the bath. DH has always done bath with both of ours and it's something he enjoys and they do too. He does the creams fine.

IMO DHs desire to be alone with DS shouldn't trump DS's wish not to be separated from you.

I couldn't go anywhere without DS as he was a round the clock feeder. He would take a bottle but he fed so often and so much it was too much to try and express.

My DD is 6mo I seldom leave her with DH except to quickly pop out. She can go a couple of hours without feeding but she doesn't want to be away from me. Unless they are doing some particular task together he says she gets sad and keeps checking the doorway for me.

I respect my babies need to be with me until they are happy to be away from me. It paid off with DS and he never looked back when it was time to start nursery etc.

Could you try working out in another part of the house while they do something together? DH taught DS to crawl at 6mo while I was downstairs doing exercise.

[user7755]

I think that whatever your DH does, it sounds like it won't be good enough or done properly. You have had to privilege of building those early bonds with your baby in a way that he can't possibly.

So what if he didn't know how to do the bath time routine the first time he did it, hand it over gradually and let him pick it up. Your baby is completely attached to you because you have been the primary (or perhaps sole) caregiver, of course baby is going to struggle when someone else takes over, particularly if they don't know the routine.

Communication is the issue here, not breastfeeding. You are resentful because he doesn't do enough, he can't get a look in and when he does, its a failure because of all the reasons above. Work as a team, not as a shift pattern.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but we have been pretty much where you are now.

[LittleRedSparke]

Your DC is not calmed down because he is not used to being with your DH. It sounds like you are a little controlling. If you want DH to be more involved, yeah you're going to have to ask him (and not belittle him when he doesnt know how to do stuff as he wont at first)

" "I want to look after the baby". I feel that this attitude is not very supportive. " - this sounds very supportive to me, he is encouraging you to go out

Your baby wont starve if you go out for an hour or 2, if they dont get used to being with other people you wont have a life anyway - are you planning to be a SAHM? or have other children?

[Longtalljosie]

If you've been doing everything you may need to take on the chin that he'll need to ask a lot of questions / repeatedly call you back at first. Play the long game. Think where you'll be in a couple of months if you can empower him to parent by himself - and importantly, help your DS build a relationship with his father.

Forgive me but it does seem like you're swooping in and doing everything which is going to frustrate your DH - of course he wants to parent his own child! I accept you're not going to want to go to the gym if your DS is going to be upset but the first step is to help your DH build confidence and your DS build trust with your DS until you can leave the room for more than 5 minutes. At 6 months old, and weaned, you should be able to leave him without milk - food and water in a sippy cup will deal with hunger and thirst, and you'd want to do a feed before the gym so you were empty when working out anyway. Good luck.

[MajesticWhine]

Go to the gym. The baby cannot be exclusively in your company forever. S/he is unlikely to cry for the whole time. Your DH will only get better at this by having a go. EBF doesn't mean no on else can care for the baby.

[Jo1954]

My baby was similar, but my dp would take her for an hour or two occasionally to give me a break (and other times when I needed to do things). Yes, she would cry which made me feel guilty to begin with, but she isn't crying alone. She's with her second caregiver, being held. Now, he's learnt what she likes to be calm and she accepts him much more. We have done things like nappy changes together, so she is used to seeing both of us.

If I go anywhere, I feed her before I go.