Struggling and tempted by formula

[Peaceloveandbiscuits]

My DS is five weeks old and eats A LOT. He is at the top of 91st centile and weighs over 13lbs already. I struggled to breastfeed him from the very start because I have such unwieldy breasts that we couldn't get a comfortable position and it made us both very frustrated. I also felt I couldn't go out of the house because I needed my dozens of pillows in order to feed him. I have a history of mental health issues and breastfeeding was exacerbating them, so, with the help of a midwife, I decided to start giving him expressed breast milk in bottles throughout the day and breastfeed at night when my DH was around to support me (hmm). I love having the confidence to go out now, knowing I have enough milk in my bag to feed him so I won't have to rush home. But breastfeeding has gone out of the window completely, so I now find myself expressing through the night which is exhausting as I only end up with about 30-45 minutes of sleep every two hours. This is why I'm tempted to switch to formula. No more painful engorged breasts would be a bonus, too. I've already had mastitis once at around 2.5 weeks because the breastfeeding was so difficult.
I know breast is "best" etc, and I think feeding him formula would increase my anxiety over his weight gain (I'm concerned he will be overweight and bullied); but I'm selfishly tempted to switch because I feel so drained.
I know some babies decrease their feeds at around six weeks, but what if he doesn't? He is such a greedy boy that I can see him going for years with two-hourly feeds!
I don't know what I'm asking, really. Just need to write all this down. Blah. I felt massive guilt about giving him a dummy, but I did it, because he just loves to suck, and I was getting suicidal (before we switched to EBM), so maybe I'll get over the guilt of giving him formula? I know I worry too much about what people think of me and my decisions, though I certainly wouldn't judge anyone on how or what they feed their baby. Blah.

I should have mentioned that he will have between 90-150ml milk per feed, so I'm expressing about 200ml before I have to stop through exhaustion/having to see to him. I could probably get more like 300ml off if I had time or inclination to sit and do it.

If you are unhappy with bf then by all means try ff.

Hi Peace.
I could have written your post a few weeks back. DD struggled to bf from the very start, & I came home from hospital with the plan to express & feed bottles of ebm. I found it incredibly hard to fit in expressing, feeding and sleep so completely understand how exhausted you are feeling.

This and the fact dd got poorly & struggled to bf led me to stop & give formula instead.
I won't lie, it was a very difficult decision & I have felt terribly guilty, esp as dd suffers with her wind & colic, to the point of considering relactation, but for mh reasons I know that ff is the right thing for us as a family to do. I had no time for expressing as well as looking after 2 kids, doing school run etc & switching took a lot of the pressure off. DD immediately went longer between feeds (meaning longer stretches of lovely sleep).

All that said (& I am not trying to sway you either way), you are nearly at 6 weeks now & so have already endured the hardest part. You deserve a medal for sticking with expressing - its bloody hard work!

How often are you expressing during the day? How long is he going between feeds? Is he starting to sleep a longer stretch at night yet? You may find he starts to go longer between feeds very soon & so this will nsturally cut down on the number of times you need to express. As he starts to sleep longer at night I would suggest allowing yourself one longer stretch of sleep between expressing too, so you are getting some well needed rest. Is your dh helping with the feeds at night too? If he will do the late evening feed you could snatch a couple of extra hours there too. Its no good for any of you if you are running on empty. Also have you got a hospital grade pump? This will cut down on the amount of time spent expressing.

Hopefully someone else will be along soon with some useful tips on how to make expressing more do-able.

Finally, I also know, having done this before, that bf is only a tiny part of the job we do as mummy & that they will ultimately thrive regardless of how they are fed. Also remember no one else will judge you for how you feed ds. You must do what's right for you.

Give him some formula. You can carry on expressing too but you need to sleep as well. It's only best if it works for you both

Hi Peace,
I'm not sure how to advise, having only a short experience of mothering and bf - dd is 11 days old. But I have tried expressing and it takes ages for me to get 1oz. Dd definitely extracts the milk faster by herself. I think you deserve a medal for pumping so much. If it was an option, I'd switch back to breast for one or two feeds - just to save time. Or replace some feeds with formula - perhaps the night feeds?

Peace I think you need to choose which ever route makes you feel the most comfortable - there is nothing wrong with combi/mix feeding, or switching completely to ff, if continuing to bf is making you anxious and unhappy.

However, on your point about weight gain - if that is the weight he has achieved on breastmilk, I think you can be fairly sure that is the weight he is supposed to be. Some babies are just at the top of the scale (everyone has to be somewhere along the 100 percentiles!) - that doesn't mean they will always be that size. A couple of babies in my antenatal group (and another friend of mine too) all had huge babies - proper Michelin man, bursting at the seams. They are all now 2.5-3 years old and all a little on the slender side (and quite tall!). So I don't think formula is a solution to what you consider to be a baby potentially overeating?

Hope you can find the solution that works for you

There is nothing wrong with formula please don't get hung up on this. Expressing full time is not practical and will take up all your time. It won't be like this forever (although at 8 weeks I remember feeling like it would). My baby is now 6.5 months and yesterday only had 3 bfs during the day and each feed only 5-10 minutes long. You will have to make many decisions for your child over the course of their life and feeding at this young age is just one yet it seems to attract so much pressure and guilt. Do whatever makes you and your baby happy, that's all that matters.

It is far more important to your child to have a mother who is healthy in body and mind!

We had major feeding issues at the start and I had only one week of exclusively expressing before being able to go back to feeding direct (after a tongue tie release) and it was tge most challenging/exhausting week of our feeding journey yet. You are doing an amazing thing for your little one, however if you feel it is unsustainable there is nothing wrong with changing.

Hopefully you will get some more advice from expressing experts to see if there is anything you can do to make continuing possible (if thats what you want to do).

Take care.

I'm sorry you are finding things so hard at the moment, and feeling so torn about what to do.

You are not being selfish, and you are not being 'tempted' to do something awful - you are considering what the best option is for your family. As others have said, if formula is going to help you all as a family then that will benefit your baby. If trying to breastfeed is affecting your mental health to the extent that you have been suicidal then it sounds to me like the benefits to the baby of you feeling better are likely to outweigh any benefits of continuing to breastfeed. But I do remember that it's very hard to think calmly about it when the hormones are flying around and you're sleep deprived.

Just a couple of thoughts in case they are helpful:

• Could you try giving one or two bottles of formula a day to get you some more sleep and a break, and give you a bit more time to make your decision? Then you can still go back to expressing if you want to, or continue mix feeding, or switch to formula fully. But it might be better to make the decision when you are feeling less exhausted?

• I had a lot of trouble with latch, needed lots of pillows etc but did find it got easier as the baby's head got bigger and he got more head control, so you may find that you can feed directly more easily as time goes on, if this is something you would like to try again.

Expressing all the time must be hell!
Are there any rl bf support people (eg nct or bf cafe) who could help?
Several of my friends mixed fed fine - but as in mixing boob n bottle not pumping!

I'm no expert but I wonder if ditching the pumping by finding a way of helping baby feed might be tge easiest solution. But of course you'd need help from someone trained.

I used pillows to start with but things rapidly improved around 6 or 8 weeks when she got a bit more coordinated.
Mines a hungry one too but small! She only weighs 11 or 12 lb at 17 weeks. Where does it all go into nappies and up the back of grows ?

Like talfrynf said, you are not 'tempted' by ff, as though it's in some way wrong or naughty, you are considering it as a better option to feed your DC. You need to look after yourself as well as DC, and if ff helps you to sleep and to cope better in the day then do it. There is nothing wrong with formula! At the moment, you are in pain, horribly sleep-deprived, and anxious. Bf/expressing, although great, is not worth that.

You can combine the two if you think that would work?

Thank you all for your kindness and for being supportive. As I said in my OP, I would never pass judgement on anyone's decision to FF, but I do struggle to be subjective about myself and to consider my feelings rationally sometimes.
I think I may go to the local BF cafe and ask for help with our latch and positioning etc, because now that he's so much bigger it is easier to hold onto him, but his latch has become quite lazy. At least then I wouldn't need to express through the night anymore!
If that doesn't work out I will think about mixing formula and EBM.
I hate the guilt that's intrinsically wrapped up in baby feeding :(

I hate the guilt that's intrinsically wrapped up in baby feeding

I know what you mean.

Peace, I remember you from the dec antenatal thread!
My DS is 7 weeks and I BF for the first 5 days. Then we ended up in hospital as he'd lost too much weight. I had no choice but to give him formula in hospital and I srartedd expressing in there too. I was still determined to BF so went to the support centre who were great. But. I'd lost my confidence. I hated the idea of BF in public and I hated not knowing how much he'd consumed. So I started mix feeding. I'm not going to lie, I cried for two weeks. I felt so guilty that I couldn't BF him. We continued to try until he was 5 weeks but he has reflux so we'd both end up covered in vomit. I started to stress out about not being able to express as much as he needed in a day and for a few weeks I was a tearful mess. My HV told me it was ok to stop expressing and formula wasn't evil. My doctor told me the same. My friend asked me if I wanted to express every 3 hours or if I wanted to chill out and enjoy my son. Lightbulb moment.

I still express (am doing so now) but only because it's easy for when we go out. I buy ready made formula, again for ease. My supply isnt great and I could possibly increase this by being more rigid about expressing but I get enough to give him 3 feeds a day so he's pretty much 50-50 on EBM and formula. I'm happy, he's happy and it means DH is involved in feeding so is bonding well and I also get more sleep as he does one of the night feeds.

Please don't feel guilty about formula and only express for as long as you want to. You've given him a great start and he will have benefited from that but now it's possibly time to start thinking of you, your health (expressing is tiring and takes up so much time) and your enjoyment of these first few weeks/months. Xxx

Op I moved to ff from ebf when ds1 was 3 weeks old. I suffered from mental health issues too and the sleep deprivation exacerbating those was the main factor. My ds was also around 90th centile. It was a saviour for me. You have to do what is best for you as that will in turn be best for your baby. Fwiw, my dc is not at the 90th centile now, he's just a normal sized 5yo!

I stopped BF at 4 weeks and I know exactly what you mean about the guilt surrounding feeding your baby. I agonised until my doctor asked me "Do you enjoy breastfeeding?" and I replied without thinking, "No I hate it." (my lightbulb moment). It never got easier for me, just progressively more painful and difficult. I stopped the next day and never looked back. Neither did she, took to the bottle with gusto. She'll be 2 at the end of Feb and is the healthiest, cleverest, maddest little girl in the world. I can promise you how she was fed when she was tiny doesn't mean a thing to her.