"You should stop breastfeeding now"

[SourSweets]

Every time I see my friend (weekly basis usually) she will say "when are you gong to stop breastfeeding?

He's six months now you've breastfed enough.

You don't want to be one of those awful women who breastfeed their toddler.

I was formula fed and I'm fine.

I formula fed my daughter and she's perfectly healthy.

There's nothing wrong with formula feeding you know.

You've really breastfed for long enough now."

Etc etc. It's really starting to get to me now. I have nothing against formula feeding, but it's not how I have chosen to feed my child, and I'm going to continue breastfeeding until he self weans (depending on exact circumstances). She says all this stuff literally every time I see her. I don't want to get into an argument about it because I don't have the time or the energy, so I just say things like "well it works for us" and "I'll see how it goes, we're both enjoying it now" but I'm on the verge of just avoiding her until I've stopped breastfeeding, which is quite sad, really.

[K8Middleton]

Yes that sounds a good idea. It really is nothing about you and all about what they want to say to you. Therefore not engaging is the only way.

Or avoiding them if they are a breastfeeding bore, whatever their opinion on breastfeeding.

[SourSweets]

K8 I might try "does it matter?" My friend also stops listening after the third word so anything longer is useless.

I've used the "when he wants to" and the "WHO" lines but they just make her react like I've said I'm a true Earth Mother and will feed my boy until he's 18.

[pizzachickenhotforyou]

She sounds like an arsehole.

I'd tell her I'll let you know when we've stopped, don't bother contacting me before then as I'm bored of your obsession with my Breastfeeding.

It's up to you, not her. 6 months you are still feeding a tiny baby. 3 years even is none of her business.

[K8Middleton]

No point trying the shit sandwich because that's too many words. She doesn't listen because that's not the point. The point is her saying whatever it is she has to say.

[Confuddledmuchly]

K8 you need - The “sandwich” technique:

Say something complimentary first: “I’m so glad you are here to be with my children; Having a loving grandma like you is so important; You are such a wonderful grandma, just like I knew you would be.”

Then make the point you are trying to make: “It really upsets me when you criticize my choice and my pediatrician’s recommendation to breastfeed to the degree that I feel I might start to avoid visiting with you.”

Then say something nice again: “That would make me sad because I know you love the children and I want them to have you in their life because you are so special.”

Your mum sounds like a royal pain in the arse!

[K8Middleton]

Oh god my mother does this. On and on and on and on. I just say "does it matter?" in a really disinterested way. I want to tell her to shut the fuck up and stop going on about it because it makes me really uncomfortable and it is nothing to do with her and I do not want to discuss it with her. But the fall out would not be worth it.

I've tried "we'll stop when dd chooses to stop", "there's no point talking to me, I'm not the one who wants to keep breastfeeding! It's entirely up to dd" but no joy there. She just keeps banging on and making references to how my sex life might be better, or more to the point, my husband's sex life and that I'd "have more time". What I would do with this time is unclear. Presumably be making up bottles and servicing my husband

I've tried reasoning too but that was pointless: "No it's not just for comfort. Look at the bloody size of her", "Why do you think cow's milk would be better for her? " "We're still well within the age range as recommended by WHO", "DD does not want to stop, but when she does we will".

"Does it matter?" works best for me.

[lilyaldrin]

If you want to continue the friendship I think you have to tell her honestly that you find her comments upsetting/offensive and would rather avoid the subject of feeding entirely.

Personally I would want to say something very rude indeed to her though!

[Starballbunny]

I did stop feeding DD2 before she went to secondary school

So I'm definitely a terrible woman, and a totally unrepentant one!

As for your "DF", I'd have told her to mind her own business weeks ago. Not that anyone is ever daft enough to offer me advice.

[Confuddledmuchly]

Handling criticism about breastfeeding, lots of different approaches - kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/criticism/

My personal favourite - This is my child and my parenting choice and I will not discuss it anymore. (repeat on a loop)

[SourSweets]

Ooh, I don't think I could say anything that confrontational to her. I'm terribly British, you see. I will be firmer and shorter in my responses though in the hope that it gets through to her.

I have tried talking to get about her experiences, she says that she tried for a bit but it didn't work out, which is another thing that makes me think she's feeling defensive. I've tried to let her know that there is absolutely no judgement from me about her FFing, but she always talks over me with more "my daughter is clever, attractive, healthy etc and she always had formula". Plus it's hard to say "look, there's nothing wrong with how you fed your child" to a woman with over 20 years more life experience than you, without sounding like a patronising little know-it-all.

I just want her to not make any reference to it, I've even deflected questions by just saying "I'm having a night off, I'm not talking about any baby stuff, sorry!" Actually that works best. So maybe I'm not giving her enough credit by thinking she'll react badly to a more direct response.

Long post, thinking out loud really, sorry!

[misscph1973]

It really sounds like she is unhappy about her own choices. Could you as her about her own experiences and how she decided to not breastfeed? She might want to talk about it, but hasn't realised it and it's coming out the wrong way.

I breastfed 80%, but I had to top up with a bottle. I was very unhappy about that as I felt it was wrong. I think I was so hung up on breastfeeding that it affected my milk production. I stopped when both were 9 months as it was wearing me out. Ideally I would liked to have breastfed 100% till age 1 year.

[Cakebaker35]

She's not your friend if she keeps saying stuff like this.

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

One of my friends is a bit like this.

Eventually when she asked I told her I would definitely stop feeding DD when she went to secondary school.

She looked horrified for a second and then we both laughed. She hasn't asked me since.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

Could you just look her in the eye and say "My choice to continue to breastfeed doesn't affect you. Please stop making it an issue."

[theevilpenguin]

Just say 'will you stop fucking asking me about breast-feeding every single time I see you.it's getting boring and I'm unsure why you are so bothered about how I'm feeding my child'
And I ff mine!dont care how anyone feeds theirs,certainly don't care what anyone thought about me ff.it was my decision,my DH completely supported me.

[ummingandahhing]

I would say: You should talking. Now.

[ColdTeaAgain]

Oops cross post, sorry!

[ColdTeaAgain]

Also, it's quite possible she is feeling regret about her own choices, maybe you should try and chat to her about it?

[ColdTeaAgain]

I think if I had a friend like that I would have to ask her to explain why she thought it was such a problem! The first few times I would probably ignore it if someone went on and on like that I'd have to put them straight!

[SourSweets]

YouLove, no, her daughter's teenage now. It feels like she's trying to defend her decision to formula feed, constantly talking about how it "did her no harm". I'm running out of ways to say I really don't care how she did it, because this is how I'M doing it.

Part of me thinks her interest is really not about me at all, its all her defending her own choices.

[weebairn]

I had a mate a bit like this (not quite as pushy, but full of comments about "those women" who breastfeed toddlers and how hideous bf was and why anyone would do it beyond a few weeks and how formula was "worth every penny just to not have to do that").

I just smiled and nodded.

Nowadays she is just baffled and less critical (DD is 16 months, but I rarely feed in public - I say I'm still bf though).

No advice really but solidarity. Sometimes I could just shrug and other times it was a bit much.

[YouLoveItDoreen]

if she said a lot

[YouLoveItDoreen]

I'd ask her how much she valued your friendship! If she sad a lot then I'd kindly tell her to STHU stop critiquing you over such a personal choice. Is her DD at an age to be FF still? I've been BFing for 3 years now, in that time I have had a few family members ask when I am going to stop, I told them once DS is ready to stop and they have accepted that. Like the PP said, it sounds like she has issues with feeding!

[CrewElla]

She obviously has issues with breast feeding. I think she needs to mind her own business and stop trying to control you!

[WetDogLovesHubert]

Could you ask her to stop mentioning it, if you really don't have the energy for an argument? She sounds like a crap friend to be bringing this up every time you meet, but could be taking your vague responses as small encouragement to keep bringing it up. But if she is a friend, she should respect your wishes to not discuss it.