Sending misbehaving child back home for secondary school

[Tobaiass22]

Hi everyone

Really struggling here with 11yr DS who keeps getting into trouble at school for silly behaviour

The school keep calling us, and I am scared that he may head to exclusion

School is strict catholic boys school who are strict re behaviour

I cannot believe that I am having to consider this but I am scared that he may end up in trouble without a radical change

We have little support in the UK and don't want to have him labelled as having ADHD etc as don't think the diagnosis will make much of difference

My family have an African background and wander whether a different context, less worries about racism etc will be a factor

So have you ever been in this position, had this happen to you and did it work?

I am thinking of having DS return ahead of 6th form if behaviour has improved

Rather depends on whether he would willingly go. You can’t bundle him out of the country against his will …

Presumably you have family in the country you’re thinking of who would be responsible for him? And the means to get him into a ‘good’ school?

I know it’s something quite a few parents have considered or done - and it’s worked out well, for the reasons you mention. (You would need to make sure he returns in time to count as a home student if he wants to attend university here - but perhaps he wouldn’t!)

So I see nothing against it in principle - if the particulars fell into place.

@Tobaiass22 I was taken "back home" to Nigeria when I was in year 8. It's hard to say if it worked - I achieved great grades, moved back to the U.K. for A-Levels then off to a RG university before becoming a chartered accountant so in that sense it worked. However, though I joke about it I harboured a little resentment for my mum and her decision. Don't get me wrong I had some great experiences out there (I went to boarding school and had family over there visit regularly) but depending on the school you choose and to be fair even in the best school environment there will be more day today stress than over here.

@Edmontine My mum took me back for a summer holiday- all was normal (we did this most summers) then as my return to school/U.K. day arrived she became dismissive. We went to "visit" somewhere then all of a sudden I was being handed a uniform, taken to a dormitory and watching my mum being driven away. Not sure if you know African culture but parents rule the roost. Kids don't get to decided. This was 20 years ago now but it definitely still happens

I recently listened to this and found it really interesting regarding boarding schools based on the 'British' system in other countries.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001fcl1?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

It is interesting to hear your perspective on this and whilst I understand your having a little resentment for your mum, it seems that overall the move was in your interest in the long term

The Uk feels so unforgiving especially for young black boys who get into trouble and end up with a criminal record for example

Maybe I have this wrong but I want to protect my son and give him time to grow in an environment which will not label and condemn him whilst he is still young and likely to make mistakes

Did you end up in a mixed gender boarding school or single sex? Also thinking of sending my child to Nigeria

My question to you would be would you do the same to your own child? What kinds of things do you think your mum was worried about for you if you remained in the Uk?

I would say send them to boarding school if you are already having issues. From what you have written you don't seem to have a solution in the UK. Better they achieve good grades and stay in line than to be excluded. I would do the same. I know lots of people who have been taken back to study and they have all done very well. Only a certain type of parent will recognise what their child needs.

Maybe I have this wrong but I want to protect my son and give him time to grow in an environment which will not label and condemn him whilst he is still young and likely to make mistakes

I doubt Nigeria is the place for this.

I would never dream of sending my child anywhere away from me. Nit to boarding school here, no way to another country. I appreciate that there is a cultural difference, but if Nigeria was the best place for my son, the whole family would be going.

You say your son is sent home for 'silly' behaviour, rather than 'bad' behaviour. Kids are often silly and some go over the top, wanting to be class clown or whatever especially if they are bored. However they usually settle down and become more laid back when puberty hits.

It seems quite extreme to be constantly sending the poor boy home.

I wonder if the particular school he attends is not the right fit for him and he would do better in another school (here in the UK), where individual strengths are nurtured and he is less bored.

Think about it. It would be hard for him and you for him to be separated from his parents.

I hope all turns out well whatever you decide.

@Tobaiass22 I completely understand that fear and tbh if I had a child in the same situation I would definitely consider it. It is a very real possibility your son could be labelled to his detriment ( I say this as a volunteer school governor- too many black children are considered for transfers to PRUs).

If you have family you are still close to and would trust to act as parent in your absence I'd reach out about potential schools.

For me it helped knowing my mums family were in Lagos. They came on visiting days , brought provisions for me and I'd stay with them on half terms. My mum would fly me back to the U.K./out of Nigeria for summer holidays.

One thing though- the subjects and styles of teaching are different. In my experience there is no consideration for ND or dyslexia etc in the Nigerian teaching system. I was already a high performance student in the U.K. If your son just lacks focus the Nigerian system will help improve that. However, if your son has any learning difficulties I'm not sure it will. Especially because in Nigeria you can be held back a school year if you fail exams (definitely focuses the mind ).

To answer your question I went to a mixed school . Because there are 6 forms in Nigerian secondary schools I skipped year 9 (JS3) and went straight to year 10 (SS1) so that after 3 years moved back to the U.K. after sitting WAEC (GCSE equivalent in Nigeria.) to be in the same AS level year I would have been in had I not left. This was important because the Nigerian style of teaching made A levels less of an adjustment (in fact I thrived because I was used to self learning and large syllabuses I didn't feel the "jump" people talk of between gcse and a-levels) but I may have struggled with GCSEs because Nigerian education is more theoretical as compared to U.K. teaching at GCSE which was more applied .

If he goes back the family should go.

Why do you doubt it? What is your experience of Nigerian schooling?

@Tobaiass22 I say consider rather than definitely send my kids back because I'm in a mixed race marriage so it would take a lot for my husband to agree. If he were also Nigerian it would be a yes because of family ties

My DP was sent back home to Ghana for a year or too when he was in year 8 (I think). His behaviour was quite unruly so he went to school there and stayed with family. Tbh his dad already lived there so it wasn’t like he’d be staying with strangers or anything. His behaviour improved and he returned back to the same secondary school which was also a strict catholic school. Can’t say it helped much in the long run as he went to a youth prison when he was 16.

I think if kids want to misbehave, they’ll misbehave. You’re child’s behaviour may improve when back home in Nigeria and may change as soon as he comes back. Or he may stay consistent and improve rapidly. You really won’t be able to guess what sort of impact it’d have on him.

My cousin is half Ghanian and his mum considered sending him to Ghana to stay with his dad’s family. From young my cousin seemed ‘problematic’ as he managed to get excluded from nursery (I didn’t even know that was possible!). He refused to go and stayed in London with his mum. Fast forward to now and he’s in year 10 and was diagnosed with asperger’s a few years ago. The diagnosis has helped everyone to understand him more and it’s so much easier to support him now. A diagnosis isn’t always a bad thing but I get what you mean about your son being diagnosed with ADHD. Sometimes a diagnosis isn’t always helpful

I know of one family who sent their son to Kenya aged 12 because he was starting to getting involved drugs gangs and was carrying a knife around. His parents visit every school holiday but don't plan to bring their son to visit the UK until they feel he will not be easily influenced by the gangs at their door step. In the meantime parents are also working towards moving to a different area in time for their son to return for sixth form.

@wannabeamummysobad Perhaps it’s best to assume that anyone posting here has a legitimate voice - unless they declare otherwise.

@Tobaiass22 It’s not clear if your current school is state or independent - but presumably it’s a day school. Have you any (very recent) experience of boarding school in England? If not you might be surprised at the security and freedom it gives to boys (in particular) to be themselves and to thrive. All their energy and curiosity is channeled into harmless pursuits, with no opportunities at all for the 21st century equivalent of hanging around the street corner. (Not to speak of the inevitable fact that the international quotient of a boarding school is so much less dependent on local influences.) And during the holidays they’re very likely to want to be either at home or very far away. This was the route we took, to pre-empt the issues you’re concerned with. (We were fortunate with bursaries so never had to seriously consider looking further afield - but several of our friends and relatives have done what you’re considering.)

Why do you doubt it? What is your experience of Nigerian schooling?

I don't need to state my experience nor does anyone else. My opinion is formed of my experience of schooling there.
@wannabeamummysobad

@Edmontine I will certainly try though judging by their follow up response I think I (sadly) was correct in my assessment of them

@user9863233444446788 apologies I interpreted your initial post as disparaging without first hand experience. My mistake

I don't have first hand experience but that's by the by. People don't need to state their experience to give opinions.

Agree with this. It seems drastic perhaps try move schools in UK. What do you do as a form of disaplin OP?

That is true, but your post was in no way helpful to the OP, and came across as very dismissive.

That is true, but your post was in no way helpful to the OP, and came across as very dismissive.

I'm sharing my opinion on an Internet forum. Whether that's helpful or not is by the by.

I would say first things first, the school needs to change. Then consider whether you need to send them home. Boarding schools are great for creating friendships with people that are like family—having independence and being more responsible for oneself.

I know and met a few adults over the years who were sent back to their parents countries of birth e.g. Jamaica, Nigeria Ghana to be educated because of their behaviour. However their behaviour wasn't "silly" it was antisocial especially outside school.

The girls, now women, have done well academically and career wise, while the boys, now men, it's been a mixed bag.

If your child is silly and not being antisocial, then first check they are NT. Why? Regardless of whether you end up changing schools or not, if he still has issues he will be given help if he is not NT and won't be send home for being silly.

Also does the school have diverse staff? The boys, now young men, in my family who have done well were sent to schools with diverse staff. This meant they couldn't get away with not trying and weren't seen as thugs as they had teachers who looked like their family members, some of these staff are/were in senior posts.

Firstly I would have him assessed as PP advised.

I have experience exactly what you are Going through and made the decision for my son to go to boarding school in an African country. Family were there and he stayed with grandparents. I also visited holidays and he came here every summer and Xmas. It wasn't all plain sailing but the best option we had as a single parent family with no family support here. I will add that if he does have learning needs ASD/ADHD for example they are unlikely to be met if he is sent away. Even if you find the school who understands he needs the support from home for this to be effective. Our only option from the LA was a special needs boarding school. Although they said he did not have ADHD or ASD as although his behaviour was silly it was constantly disruptive to other children's learning. As a grown adult I can see he does have learning difficulties but school focused on his bad behaviour and so did I at the time. As an adult he is the most polite, kindest, funniest human you could meet but he does have noticeable issues with processing information and that was the problem that I didn't know. So that's why I'm saying get him assessed before you make the decision to send him as it is much easier when they are children.