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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Death following premature birth

29 replies

rosehip · 26/06/2003 16:31

Dear mumsnetters a friend of mine has just ben through a terrible ordeal. She gave birth at 27 weeks and the baby lived only 2 days. One of my concerns is the hospital have said she is more likely to have a further prem birth if she gets pregnant again! Does anyone have any experience of this or any success stories following premature births/death. She is such a wonderful person and WILL make a fantastic mum, she and her husband have so much to give a child and life has already dealt her some terrible blows. I still feel physically sick at what has happened to her - god only knows how my dear friend will get through this. I would love to pass on some positive comments. Thanks everyone.

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M2T · 26/06/2003 16:34

Rosehip - no experience of this, but just wanted to express my sympathy. No-one should have to lose a child.

Marina · 26/06/2003 16:53

Rosehip, I am so sorry to hear of your friend's awful loss. I'm afraid I don't know personally of any success stories to pass on, but there is quite a bit the hospital can do in terms of antenatal and psychological support for your friend in her next pregnancy (ie, if she is at risk of another prem birth they should monitor her carefully or refer her to a specialist unit).
My experience of losing a baby is different in that my son was born dead at 22 weeks - but I have found so much support and practical help in coping with this from SANDS , that I think it would help your friend to know about this organisation. Crucially, SANDS helps people cope with a pregnancy after a loss too.
I do hope someone on here can post a really uplifting story for your friend and her dh, who are very much in my thoughts.

Eeek · 26/06/2003 17:57

How dreadful. Your poor friend. do get her to contact SANDS as suggested.

I can't give a positive story - i doubt your friend would want them yet if the loss is very recent. I found a book called "when a baby dies" very useful. My experience is different but since my ds' death I've found his funeral & grave a comfort. We also took photos and although i dont look at them i find just having them helps. Also talking it over with the professionals later - initially i don't think anything said really goes in. Does the hospital have a bereavement midwife? I found her very useful in shouldering the inevitable admin.

princesspeahead · 26/06/2003 19:16

I'm so sorry to hear this. I do have some positive examples, but as Eeek says I'd be a bit careful about giving them to her right now when the loss is so raw - especially as it may make her think "why do other 27-weekers live and mine didn't?" I don't know if this is the case or not, but I think is a sensitive thing to handle. However, here goes:

I have a friend who gave birth to her first child (a boy) at 27 weeks. He was a good few ounces under 2lbs (can't remember exactly - 1lb 9oz?) and things looked bad for a while. However, he had wonderful care at the Chelsea&Westminster NICU, stayed in three months, came out on oxygen which he gave up after a couple of weeks, and hasn't looked back. He is now - ummm, 6.5 yrs, no lasting health problems (slightly prone to chest infections), big, strong, intelligent.
His mother was told that it was just one of those things, and was unlikely to happen again. It wasn't until she was pregnant with number 2 18 months later that she was told "ummm, sorry, you have about a 50% chance of this happening again". Big shock. Second child born at 28 weeks, again at C&W, but over 2lbs and I guess because of the extra weight and the fact that she had been there before it seemed to be much less traumatic, the little girl came home a bit before her EDD not on oxygen or anything and is similarly absolutely fine.

So it is possible - I know they feel that they were extremely lucky to happen to be at Chelsea and Westminster where the care is some of the best in the country and they are still heavily involved with the NICU (fundraising etc) as they feel it is because of it that their children are alive.

I do hope your friend gets through this, I'm thinking of her and her family.

mieow · 26/06/2003 19:28

I have had 3 premature babies, though not as early as 27 weeks, they were born at 31,33 and 35 weeks. When pregnant with no.3 I was told that I had a 75% chance of carrying to term, but it didn't happen. She was born at 33 weeks.
Please give my love to your friend

Batters · 26/06/2003 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

judetheobscure · 26/06/2003 20:38

My 4 were born at 30 wks, 36 wks, and then last 2 at 40 weeks. No explanations as to why the first two were prem, didn't do anything differently. I think my body just took a while to get it sussed.

Lots of sympathy to you and your friends, hope life is kinder to them from now on.

MABS · 26/06/2003 20:56

I've had 2 prems - one at 31 wks and one at 28 wks. My dd was born nearly 9 yrs ago at 31 wks and it took me a very long time to risk another pregnancy, even tho' I was assured it shouldn't happen again.

After 3 miscarriages I finally managed to have ds at 28 weeks nearly 3 yrs ago. He does suffer some ill effects from his prematurity but he does brilliantly really.

It's very hard to be reassuring to your friend at this stage, so much depends on why she delivered early. I have been very involved in a support group at my local scbu and in fact visit the unit every other week with my 'counselling' head on just to listen if anyone wants to talk.

I've spoken with various bereaved parents and 'hope' i may have eased their pain just a little. Does your friend's hospital have this facility? Also the book previously mentioned ' when a baby dies' is also comforting. Really thinking of you all. If i can help further - please ask.

Ghosty · 26/06/2003 21:00

Just wanted to extend my sympathies to you and your friend rosehip ... have now experience of prem births but as you have read there are lots of people with stories and advice on mumsnet ...
I hope your friend is coping and that she finds some answers ... much love .. g xxx

sobernow · 26/06/2003 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MABS · 26/06/2003 21:16

A very good suggestion Sobernow - i've read that book too.

Eeek · 26/06/2003 21:22

I'm finding that as time passes people see me coping and forget to ask how I'm doing. I sometimes feel very isolated. Life seems to be a series of 'special' days - 1 month, 6 months from the due date, the death, the funeral etc etc. I suspect this is common. I'm sure you've thought of it but remember that her original EDD will be a dreadful day for your friend and she could probably use some extra support then. I'm so glad she's got you to worry about her.

rosehip · 01/07/2003 22:10

Thank you all so much for you kind words/advice. Today was almost too awful, to see such a dear, wonderful friend go through the hearbreak of the tiny coffin-to-grave made be riddle with grief. I am not only lost for words but for actions too. I want to press the fast forward button and be delivering flowers and a teddy to her in hospital. I feel so emotional. I know it is not my loss but I want to do something to help, I don't know what to do, all the suggestions of holidays, nights out, drinks at ours seem so, so inappropriate and far away. I did take a minature rose bush and a single rose with me today. I am sorry I posted twice both under premature and death. I dare not shout at my two they seem even more precious today. I would pay dearly to take the pain away from my friend. There are MANY things money cannot buy it really does pay to remeber that. Thanks again.

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MABS · 01/07/2003 22:17

So sorry Rosehip , I've been to 3 babies' funerals and I think they are unbearable for all . Really thinking of you all and, from my experience, the only thing you can actually do for your friend is to be there - and you're already doing thet.Take care.

rosehip · 01/07/2003 22:19

Thanks MABS it's just that I feel guilt getting on with my life and would like to do something, I feel really pathetic.

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MABS · 01/07/2003 22:24

I can understand Rosehip , I've been there from both sides - but there really isn't much you can do practically I don't think. Does she have other children ? do they need looking after? How is her partner dealing with it? From my experience, mothers and fathers often deal with this very differently - neither is right or wrong , just different. - and fathers are sometimes ignored a bit. Thinking of you.

rosehip · 01/07/2003 22:31

MABS, my friend is 35 and hubby 40. They have been together years before deciding the time was right to start a family, a bit like me, and i had two molar pregnancies before giving birth to a healthy boy and girl. Life is so unfair, it just seem it's always the one's with so much to give (and not just financially) who suffer.

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jojo21 · 04/07/2003 22:04

Let me just give you ladies some words of wisdom- it does get better! when you lose a baby it hurts like hell and all you want to do is talk about it and understand why but everyone is worried about hurting you and making you feel worse so they try to forget about it! i found after my 2 miscarriages people kept their distance but now i know the problem they want to know what 'funneling cervix' is and how it is reversed which is nice. now at 10 months pregnant and overdue im so excited! so chin up girls

Sweetypie · 05/07/2003 20:47

You're 10 months pregnant.... how many weeks is that ? And how have you managed induction????

Sweetypie · 05/07/2003 20:48

Sorry meant to say how have you managed to AVOID induction...

SoupDragon · 05/07/2003 20:52

10 months = 10 lots of 4 weeks I think

kittie · 05/07/2003 21:36

hi rosehip
I am a new member,I've just read your thread about your friend I can fully understand how she must be feeling as I've lost two babies one stillborn at 34 wks and one early prem at 24 wks,which lived for 2hrs.Stillborn boy in feb 2001 and prem girl in sep 2001.Give my best wishes to your friend The pain doesnt go away but days do get easier to deal with.All you want to do is talk about your baby and hear people mention your babies name and not call it baby.

bunny2 · 06/07/2003 21:35

Hi Kittie, glad to have you here at Mumsnet but so sorry to hear about your two babies. I cant begin to imagine your agony but there is lots of support here so do ask for it.

jojo21 · 06/07/2003 22:28

Oops sorry sweetypie! i meant 10 months as in full term and they're gonna induce me on wednesday which im not happy about! i tried castor oil yesterday which made me heave until my eyeballs nearly fell out and kept me on the loo all night- so wont be doing that again! i want to see my baby but i also want labour to start when babys ready and i also want the world but you cant have everything can you!

jojo21 · 06/07/2003 22:36

kittie, what you say is so true! i lost both leon and connor at 24 weeks and to watch your babies struggling to make it is so hard but as you said it does get easier and i will never forget them and i won't let anyone else! My partner found it hard to talk about but thats where your mum, sisters and girlfriends step in to ease the pain and ask all the questions you want them to ask and it really is like therapy and it helps you to come to terms with it

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