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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

ffs i feel like i can't cope anymore but I have to.

44 replies

Lovemyshoes · 07/09/2009 21:53

I had to identify my brother 2 week ago, he'd already been dead a week. Suicide.

I'm not sleeping or eating enough, I've lost nearly 2 stone. i've had to arrange EVERYTHING. I'm drinking FAR too much alcohol and I know/feel it.

I've yet to have his cremation and scatter his ashes. Due back at work next week after 3 week off. Don't know if I can do this. Lost 2 out of 3 of the most important man in my life.

Help!

OP posts:

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bosch · 12/09/2009 23:50

Lovemyshoes, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Look and you will find someone who will give you the advice and help you need.

My mum died suddenly of natural causes over 20 years ago and it took a therapist that dh and I are seeing about something completely different to see how my not coping with the grief is still affecting me now. Her advice amongst other things was to write my mum a letter saying all the things I want to say to her. This feels good for me, but other things may work for you - if someone gives you advice that doesn't work for you, move on to someone else.

I also heard a few years ago that the grieving process normally takes two years - if you're normal that is, unlike me. But see how raw everything is to you now and know that it will get better - not right, but easier somehow.

Maybe your dh saw in your brother someone who hurt you and was selfish in killing himself, but can't see quite simply how much you loved him and how much the way he went, and the fact that he's gone, is going to hurt really badly. You might or might not be able to explain that to your dh.

I wish I had some magic words to say to take some of your pain away, but know that there are complete strangers like me who are thinking about you tonight.

Monty100 · 12/09/2009 23:26

Lovemyshoes, I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare.

xx

Lovemyshoes · 12/09/2009 22:59

Funeral has been and gone. Now me and DH can't stop arguing. I have so much to talk about to, to someone but find samaritans patronizing and condescending, no-one is here for me at the minute and if I put it on mumsnet SOMEONE will recognise me. I feel so fucking sad.

OP posts:

ingles2 · 08/09/2009 09:39

this is a factsheet on being bereaved by suicide

MrsGokWantstogocampingagain · 08/09/2009 08:29

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be doubly hard as you had to identify him.

Please get in touch with Cruse for some help. They are really good at helping.

Cruse

ingles2 · 08/09/2009 08:15

Morning LMS.. How are you feeling today?
Of course you shouldn't be over your db's death, it will take a long time. Your dh is being a bit insensitive.
Good luck at the GP's this morning. Make sure you tell him/her everything.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis · 08/09/2009 00:27

it's only two weeks, it'll take a lot longer than that to get used to not having a brother that you loved. your dh is being either insensitive or cruel, i'm afraid. i'm very sorry for your loss.

Lovemyshoes · 08/09/2009 00:23

My hubby has just come in said i am being stupid as he died a month ago ( I found out 8 days later)

I started crying again, he thinks I should be over it

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ingles2 · 07/09/2009 23:04

I'm sorry but I have to go to bed now. I've got an early start in the morning but I'll check on your thread then.
Please keep talking, I'm sure there are people here who can help.
I'm sending you and I hope you have a better night's sleep.

LadyoftheBathtub · 07/09/2009 23:03

You've had such a horrendous shock and loss and it's only been 2 weeks - the drinking is not helping but you can get past that. Totally agree you need a good counsellor and they are out there and your GP should be able to sort that out. (The one you had sounds crap - they're not all like that!) There are also bereavement charities you can contact - just have a google. Even the samaritans could be a big help, for example when you feel like you are going to have to have a drink to calm down, you could pick up the phone and talk to someone instead.

LadyThompson · 07/09/2009 23:00

Lovemyshoes - my DH died a few years ago and I rarely post about the subject - BUT I just wanted to say that, although a different situation, you have to be kind to yourself as a horrible, horrible thing has happened and it's the earliest of early days.

I fully understand about alcohol and know what a comfort it can be, but you are better seeing the doctor and using a different way to get you through this appalling time. You have friends and a DH who love you and you have to cling to them and to life somehow.

I am not going to patronise you and tell you things will get better, because the pain never goes away, but you will get used to living with that pain. And you need to keep talking about your brother as I am sure it helps. It sounds like he really loved you. I am very sorry for your loss. Hang in there. You can do this.

hermykne · 07/09/2009 23:00

lms your heart has to break, and you have to rebuild it with the love of your hsband and your children(who may drive u nuts!) but whose love is unconditional.
take more counselling and more and more.
but listen to your dh and make a wee stratgy for your family, in your home and build on it.
your brother has moved somwhere else , you will miss him dearly but he is your sibling not your child and you must stay on track for your children.

we all lose people and its hard to not see any happiness in our lives at times but you've got opportunities to have nice times and happy times.. use the counselling to find these

ingles2 · 07/09/2009 22:58

When is the cremation?

ingles2 · 07/09/2009 22:56

It's completely understandable that you want to know why...
You really need to speak to a bereavement counsellor, someone who will help you come to terms with his suicide and all the questions.
Will you please show this thread to your dh? or take it to the GP's with you

Lovemyshoes · 07/09/2009 22:54

I've had counselling before (not bereavement), all she said is that i still act like a child ( I have a young out look at 35) so I don't know if i feel confident. I just know my heart is breaking

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hermykne · 07/09/2009 22:51

lovemyshoes you still have some very important people who need you a whole lot more. and these people love u, dh , dc.

i hope your docotr suggests bereavement counselling for the suicide aspect of your brothers death as that is very diff to a natural death , but also counselling for your habit and how to get "you" feeling confident & strong again to not need a drink to cope.

hth.

Lovemyshoes · 07/09/2009 22:51

I just want to know why he did it, not note, no arguments, no nothing

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ingles2 · 07/09/2009 22:49

you're friends won't get fed up, but if you are worried about it, we're here... tell us.

Lovemyshoes · 07/09/2009 22:47

I'm scared friends I know will get fed up of me remembering and talking about him. I've lost all my grandma's, grand dad's, aunts, uncles, mum, dad, cousins, friends and now brother. How much more do I have to lose?

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ingles2 · 07/09/2009 22:44

Lovemyshoes · 07/09/2009 22:43

I just miss him so so much and didn't believe he was dead till I identified him

OP posts:

ingles2 · 07/09/2009 22:42

Well that's good. Be honest with the GP about how you feel, tell him that you can't cope atm. I'm sure he will have some
medication and hopefully some counselling that will help.

Lovemyshoes · 07/09/2009 22:39

DH will come to the docs in the morning as he has said a few time he is worried about my drinking

OP posts:

Lovemyshoes · 07/09/2009 22:39

He was an arsehole, BUT he adored me and me him. His fiance has said he only talked about me and the things we used to get up to

OP posts:

ingles2 · 07/09/2009 22:38

I just wondered if you sent him out to so you can have a drink without him seeing.
Can your dh come to the GP's with you in the morning?

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