Grief keeps rearing its ugly head.

[pavlovthecat]

I am not entirely convinced I have ever actually grieved for my mum. She died just over 2 years ago.

I missed the date of her passing anniversary last month, which, when I remembered, made me feel callous and cold. Sometimes I feel like this, like its not bothered me emotionally.

Clearly it has, it has devestated me in a way I cannot describe. I do not feel weepy, or sad. I feel something I cannot explain I guess. I feel, numb. Mostly, numb, and like I am missing a vital part of me. It feels more physical than mental. it has always felt like that. at first, when she first went, it felt as physical as losing an arm, something that I needed to be whole. That missing has never gone.

But, I have never really dwelled on seeing my mum for the last time. Well, not true, it has sort of been there, played on my mind once in a while, mainly when I last saw her alive, which was not so great (she had cancer). I saw her in the Chapel of Rest at the funeral parlour, and it did not really seem like her. It was her, but I did not feel too disturbed really. I felt just like seeing a dead body.

however, last night, I had a stinking headache, and I thought of mum, as I often do when I am poorly, and the image of her in the morgue was very vivid and disturbing, it was her, mum was dead. And then I kept flitting back from her when I last saw her alive, to the morgue and back to her alive, and I tried to replace the image with a happy one and I could not. It was like a dream image, but I was very awake, it was clear, and now I cannot get it out of my mind. And I now have this awful feeling that I let her down. Somehow, like I should have grieved more, should have done more for her when she was ill, missed her more, cried more, I don;t know. I worry she did not think I cared as I did not cry when I saw her dead body. I don't really know what I feel, just this sense of letting her down and the image of her dead body.

Sorry, can't really talk to DH about it. and I needed to get it out.

[DanJARMouse]

chocolate buttons - oh yes! DD1 was given her first one just after mum died.... so only a matter of weeks old. It was a one off, but something mum would have laughed at.

[pavlovthecat]

Mum missed my wedding too. She died 23rd Jan, brother brought his wedding forward in the hope she would be there. I got married 21st Sept same year.

Danjar - that I think, in a way is harder, as you had no time to prepare yourself. I think, all in all, there is no good way. In a very unMN way, I think you really need a hug, as today is a tough day for you, and here you are supporting me

And hugs to everyone else too, you have helped me feel better, less alone in my loss.

[DanJARMouse]

pav, please have a hug back {{{{hug}}}} Im ok, this is the 4th birthday now so in a way, harsh as it is, im used to it.

I think it isnt only helping you, but also me... its good to be able to share these experiences.

Be kind to yourself, and just let DH know you are feeling a little sad and could use a hug x