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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

feeling fragile

20 replies

cryalot · 09/03/2005 13:25

After 7 years of trying to conceive it happened at last - only to mc on mothers day at 10 weeks pg. If one more person tells me "it wasnt meant to be" I will scream - perhaps someone might be able to understand what I am going through?

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gingernut · 10/03/2005 20:07

cryalot, so sorry about your miscarriage, my heart really goes out to you and your partner. wrt to your question about bleeding, I had a complete miscarriage (i.e. no need for an ERPC) and the bleeding went on for about 2 weeks. It was heavy for a few days but after that fairly light. As Pamina says, it can take a while for your cycles to get back on track as well.

Take care.

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Mirage · 10/03/2005 19:58

Cryalot-I'm very very sorry to hear of your loss.We lost our first baby to an ectopic after TTC for 3.5 years & it was like living in a nightmare for several weeks afterwards.

However,as one of the other posters mentioned,a loss can kick start your system into being super fertile.It certainly did for me,I was lucky enough to get pregnant again just 7 wks later & have a beautiful 18 month old dd.Whatever happened to my body seems to have solved the infertility problem,as I got pregnant at the 1st attempt,just after dd's 1st birthday & am now 28wks.

I still think about the baby I lost though & will never forget the anniversaries associated with him/her.A lot of people think that it is strange that I don't move on & forget,but that baby is still my baby even if it isn't here IYKWIM?

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Arabica · 10/03/2005 19:37

cryalot, please don't feel you can only come back when you are not feeling so weepy--I have found it a great comfort to come on here when I've been tearful.
I don't know if reading about other women's experiences is something you want to do but if so, can I recommend a book another mum on here suggested. It's called 'Miscarriage: Women's Experience and Needs' by Christine Moulder. My local library had it and it's been very comforting, even when it made me cry!

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Pamina3 · 10/03/2005 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cryalot · 10/03/2005 14:00

Hi me again, just to answer a few questions - I went for a scan at the hospital on Monday and they told me no further procedures were necessary as there was no "residue" as they called it! I just wondered if anyone could tell me how long I will bleed for?

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cryalot · 10/03/2005 12:21

a big "thank you" to all of you for your support - it is really appreciated. Although I am feeling very fragile at present, I feel very much that there are some very kind people out there that understand because they have been there. Thanks everyone - Ill return when Im not feeling so weepy!

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dyzzidi · 09/03/2005 16:44

Oh poor you I can only imagine your pain. The only advice I can give is to grieve with your DP at your own speed and as to stupid comments from ignorant people just take no notice of them.

I found Mumsnet helped me after my missed m/c as the people on the threads had experience of how it feels and rather than ignore it or be insulting they are kind and compassionate and allow you to talk about all aspects of the m/c. Emotional and physical.

Thinking of you and people are here if you want to talk, rant, cry or sometimes to laugh.

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Donbean · 09/03/2005 16:30

Yes honey, i think that i had similar feelings to the very same comments made to me after losing my babies.
I could reel them all off to you. I felt like absolutely no one could understand until people were coming to me and telling me that it had happened to them too. This surprised me, because i never realised that it had happened to so many people around me.
It didnt help me recover any quicker from my grief but it comforted me some how.
Til this day i remember when my babies were due and the date that i lost them. This makes them a real baby to me, the lived inside me and i was so so happy to have experienced my first two pregnancies with them. If they had not have happened then i would not now have my little DS.
Nothing any one says will help you to feel better at this time, just know that you are not alone. We are here.x

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wishingchair · 09/03/2005 16:02

Oh Cryalot I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I understand - I found out my baby had died on Valentine's Day ... not quite as cruel as Mothers Day ... I was 19 weeks but my baby had died at around 15-16 weeks. I have had plenty of "it wasn't meant to be's" as well and just grit my teeth and nod. We had a funeral for our little one and we've had a couple of surprised looks and comments as if why bother doing that for such a little baby. Even worse are the people who don't mention it at all. I get through it by telling myself they are saying/not saying these things because they care and they want to make me feel better.

I can't imagine how much harder this is after having tried for so long but what I can tell you is that each day will get a teeny bit easier although it's always there, simmering just below the surface. Don't think you need to get over it and get on with things, take as much time as you need and talk about what's happened as much as you need to.

Big hugs to you xxx

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Bella23 · 09/03/2005 15:16

Cryalot - so very sorry to hear about your loss. There are lost of people on here who can understand what you are going through. I had a m/c 2 months ago so can empathise a little but seeing as you had been trying for 7 years I can not imagine the pain yours must have caused. I have to agree with ggglipopo that if you had it naturally etc there may be a chance that you will conceive again quickly. This doesn't replace what you have lost but at least could offer you hope that you might be not have to wait so long next time to conceive.

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Pamina3 · 09/03/2005 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marina · 09/03/2005 14:44

Oh cryalot, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and especially its vile timing.
Like many others on here, I know just what you mean about the hatefulness of "wasn't meant to be", you scream away.
Come back and tell us more when you feel able - and some of our pregnancy after a loss stories may give you a glimmer of hope.
Really hope you are getting good, compassionate aftercare from your health professionals.

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fisil · 09/03/2005 14:41

I miscarried this time last year, cryalot. I had an ERPC the week before mothers day, and it was just horrible. Big hugs.

My advice, never ever think "I should've got over this by now" type thoughts. I am 7 months pg, but I know that next Tuesday (the anniversary of the ERPC) will be just dreadful. I will cry all day, I'm pretty sure.

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Arabica · 09/03/2005 14:30

Dear cryalot, I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. Life can be so cruel sometimes, and people just don't know what to say, for fear of upsetting you further, or unleashing their own difficult feelings about loss.
But believe me when I say there are people on here who really care and who will continue to care about how you're feeling...because we have been through losses ourselves. I learned of my missed m/c three weeks ago and although I am in no way recovered, over it or even able to 'move on' and think of ttc again, I am at least no longer drowning in grief.
What's going on for you physically, cryalot? Have you had an ERPC or any other hospital procedure?

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amynnixmum · 09/03/2005 13:38

{{{hugs}}}

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amynnixmum · 09/03/2005 13:38

{{{hugs}}}

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george32 · 09/03/2005 13:33

You poor thing. I know the pain my m/c caused me, I can't imagine how much that must be amplified for you after 7 years of trying and on Mothers Day. It is just so cruel. My heart goes out to you. xx

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kid · 09/03/2005 13:30

What a terrible experience for you, I'm really sorry to hear about it
We don't know why these things happen and obviously it doesn't make you feel any better to hear 'it wasn't meant to be'
Maybe people are saying that to you as they don't really know what else to say.
Just take one day at a time and try not too look too far ahead.

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loudmum · 09/03/2005 13:30

I understand.... I tried for years to conceive and eventually, after treatment and the pain you will know only too well watching others knock out kids whilst I strugggled to get pregnant, I got pregnant with twins.... I lost one at 12 weeks and no-one but no-one understood why I was so depressed and hysterical... the comments were horrendous and I still screstly hate some people who thought it was 'silly' to get upset as 'it was not really a baby'...

I feel so much for you infertility is a bastard thing to go thru and to lose your beatiful baby on mothers day is just too much life is so dman unfair and I hope you get some better support -- the miscarriage association is great...