Hi all, i've been looking for people like me for over 3 years, just to share some thoughts with. I have 4 children now, 9,4,3,6wks. The oldest 3 are girls, youngest is a boy. Mya, my 3yr old, is a surviving identical twin. Although her situation doesnt come about often (so i've been told), there are obviously many children and people who are surviving twins.
I was told at 16 weeks that i was having identical twins. Then i was told at 21 weeks that 1 was developing seemingly normally, while the other had severe spina bifida and hydrocephalus. To this day nobody can really explain why celeste was so damaged and mya only has a birthmark. I have to say, silly as it sounds, we believe celeste beat the odds to get here so that her sister survived, because with identicals if 1 dies in utero, the other will if its not delivered very soon. Celeste wasnt meant to survive birth, but she did. I was given an emergency c-section at 36 weeks. My little angel went through so much that in the end we were told she'd never live beyond 1yr, and if she was lucky to go that long, she'd be kept alive by machines. I actually had a paediatrician tell me it was my fault she was damaged and that i should have selectively terminated her and risked losing mya too. Needless to say hes never been allowed to treat any of my other children.
It still hurts, and the guilt still eats me. Mya has always known about her twin. She often wakes up telling me her angel celeste came in the night and played with her, or when shes been ill she says celeste has been hugging her. We dont mock her, because its comforting to know shes got a very special bond with her twin. Shes a beautiful, happy little girl, despite now having to grow up with a whole half of her missing, but i think we are so close because we share the loss more than the rest of the family do.
We have lots of photos in an album, some clothes, and a 10 minute video of me holding them both. Losing a child is always hard, but i am blessed with mya. If i feel down, she knows and she'll make me smile. Her birthday is hard for me, and i'm usually down from then until just after the anniversary of celeste passing. She was 7 weeks 2 days and 16 hours old. in over 3 years i havent been able to visit the garden of rememberance because i found it so hard to leave when we had her funeral. This year nobody remembered her except me, and the stark reality hit me that its always going to be like that. Life does go on, and i have had another child since, but i'll always miss celeste, and always feel guilty that shes not here. I'm very lucky that i have mya though, and being identical means i'll always know what celeste would look like if she was here with us.
I have had comments from people who think it was wrong of me to tell mya about celeste and that i should have waited for her to say something before i told her. Its purely an individual thing i think. celeste isnt a secret in our house. we talk about her all the time, say we love her and miss her, and often look at photos together. I think mya is a more confident and happy child for having the freedom to talk like this.
I think theres something in the theory that twins have a unique bond. Its there even when they are separated in some way.
Sweet dreams to my precious angel, who is always in my heart.
Take care all, Love twink xx