Dad has gone

[homecomfort]

My dad passed away Friday afternoon.
He had lung cancer, the death was horrific.
Me my brother and my sister were with him the whole time.
He begged to help him breathe, almost standing up, desperate for breath. He clung onto mybrother begging.
We could do nothing. My sister had his head in her arms. She looked into his eyes and told him to let go dad, its ok let go. You go to mum now, she is waiting.
We were all crying uncontrolably desperate to help him, but there was nothing we could do.
Through the six months of dad having lung cancer, we promised, the nurses and the doctors promised he would not choke to death and then he did.

I am sorry if this is all to much. I need to write what has happened. I spent the whole day in bed yesterday, i did not want to do anything. Today i am so numb, i cant quite beleve it actually happened.

[homecomfort]

Sorry i have not posted back sooner,been long past few days.

I am so sorry for everyones loss.I agree with what you say totally throckenholt.
Also teslagirl i agree too. I could never knock the care my dad was given. All was the best he could have, private health care, nurses coming to the home were terific. However throughout the whole process we clung on to the doctors and nurses every word. We gave our faith and trust to them. They never failed us at all, but i still wish to know some answers. I suppoes thats just human nature considering none of us expected him to choke to death.

Goober i am hear if you need a good rant and chat. Also i am on msn [email protected] if you want to chat

I think what makes it hard for us, because like you say throckenholt its not a 'going to sleep' moment for many of us. However with my mum (she passed away 2yrs ago)she collapsed at home one evening and within 24hrs she was dead. She had a stroke. None of us spoke to her as she was in a coma and never woke up. She just stopped breathing due to a hemeridge in her brain. To this day we still have questions.

At least they will be together now, they met when they were 16 so they had many good years together. Dad never really was himself again after she passed away.

I am trying to keep busy now (we even got a puppy with 2 young dc its hectic but good fun.The frunerl is not till next thursday so till then i know none of us will let this sink in properly.

[random]

[teslagirl]

We as a society have lost the ability to deal with death. We just about never get to witness real pain first hand, let alone death. We cling onto the 'movie' version of it thus are completely shocked when we see the reality, especially a death caused by lung cancer.

We want our loved ones carers to administer drugs to take the pain away. But we also want the right to sue them if the drugs are 'deemed' to have hastened death. We want our loved one to die at home in the loving arms of their family. Yet they cannot receive the level of pain relief at home, with the best will in the world, than they might in hospital.

By all means ask the questions but I think it's so important, in the end for your own peace of mind to see that lung cancer was the culprit here, not the failure of care.

I lost my father quite recently and rather traumatically but for me- and of course I can only speak for myself, it was important for me to realise that everyone did what they could within the boundaries of medical science and the law and that the important thing was to remember him in rude good health, not gasping for his final breath.

[throckenholt]

what a horrible experience.

The sad thing is we all have this image of death as some peaceful "going to sleep" type event - when often it is not like that at all. But we have so little experience of it that it comes as an awful shock.

Try and remind yourself of the 99% of his life that was good - don't focus on the end. And don't blame yourself for the way it ended - you (and maybe the doctors) didn't have any way of making it different.

[ajandjjmum]

I know how heartbreaking it is to lose a parent - how much worse that must be when their death is so traumatic.
Having said that, we all find something to feel guilty about. We spent hours with my Dad, but he sent us home 'to the children' every night, and he died when we weren't there. Although I know it was what he would probably have chosen, I still feel guilty about it.
I would say, do discuss this with those you feel able to. I understand that your ds and db are suffering too, but you will all deal with this in different ways.
Thinking of you.

[Goober]

I'm still here if you still need to vent.
I could use a bit of a shout right now.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

So sorry for your loss

[MaryAnnSingleton]

am so sorry - it sounds very frightening for you

[Tas1]

I'm so sorry for you. I know how you are feeling. My FIL died 4 weeks ago, he had Chronic Obstuctive Airways Disease and also Bowl Cancer. He was on oxygen 24hrs a day but every breath was a stuggle plus he was in constant pain from the bowl cancer.
I also watch my own father die from liver failure.
I will be thinking of you.

[Thelighthousekeeper]

I'm so sorry for your loss Homecomfort and the traumatic way in which it happened. I will be thinking of you and your family. x

[sparklesandnowinefor4months]

I'm so sorry for your loss

I think you should try and find the answers from the doctors, they need to explain to you why this happened. That way you will have an answer even if it takes you some time to understand why at least when you are ready the answers will be there for you rather than having it going round and round in your head

The image you have of your dad's last moments will fade, i used to have similar visions of my dad before he died but they have faded now and made way for the happy ones.

I don't know if you have recent photos of your dad around the house but i found that it helped me to put pictures up of him as i remembered him when we were younger, happy times when we were young rather than the more recent ones when he was ill. Plus it was a good way for the DC to see him as i remembered him as my dad had been been ill with brain tumors for 9 years before he died so my DC never knew him 'well' and this helped them realise he wasn't always ill

Sorry that was a bit long

[itati]

I am so so sorry. Your dad must have been terrified and you all must feel so frustrated. I think it may help to talk to the staff about why he was allowed to suffer like that.

I am so very sorry.

[PippiCalzelunghe]

homecomfort I am so very sorry for you loss! I have no much to say except that your recollection brought tears to my eyes. My grandad and FIL died the same way of the same things and I fear my dad will go the same way (due to heavy heavy smoking). It must be terrible to witness.
sorry!

[geekgirl]

homecomfort, I am so very sorry

It's such a terrible thing to see your loved one go through.
I lost my mum to ovarian cancer just before Christmas - her death too was very harrowing and completely unnecessarily drawn-out. She suffered so much - like you we had been told she wouldn't and that modern medicine could control the symptoms, but in the end it came just as I'd been dreading it might be - she was retching or vomiting permanently for about 3 weeks and in so much pain before she finally died.
I was furious with the doctors who wouldn't give her more morphine because it might lower her respiratory rate or the ones who wanted to put her on a drip 'to strengthen her heart' (WTF?! - she just wanted to be allowed to die).
It helped me to talk about it all to dh and good friends and my bereavement counsellor - you need to get it out of your system but it will probably take some time.

Again, I am really sorry for your loss

[Goober]

You haven't openned up any wounds with me, they are still open. It is still earlly days for us too.
My sister said at the moment Mum stopped breathing her entire look changed and she no longer looked like Mum. We are taking comfort from the idea that her body was her 'vehicle' for life and when she passed on the real Mum, her spirit left.
You are not going on.
I feel that I can vent on here, whereas in RL I can't talk to anybody other than my family who are going through it with me. This morning I literally ran away from 2 friends. I can't cope with that yet. One day, I will explain why I was so rude, but not yet.

[mankymummy]

i am not religious and up until that day had never really considered the spirit/soul/whatever separate to the body.

But i know what i saw.

your dad knew all the people who loved him were there for him, thats the biggest thing.

Try and remember that although it seems like a huge thing at the moment (and of course it is), his actual dying was just a very small part of his life, a life that he spent knowing he was very loved.

[homecomfort]

aw i am sorry if i have opened up sore wounds

He did die at home (well my brothers house) but i will be talking with my brother and sister today about this.

Mankymummy i really take comfort in what you say,the body suffering not his spirit. I am a spiritualist but right now this moment in time its difficult. I just wish he never had to go that way. When i close my eyes i see his face and his eyes calling desperatley for us, then him chaging color. I am sorry i keep going on

[sunshineonarainyday]

So sorry to hear this homecomfort, sending you love, am thinking of you. You too Goober

[Goober]

So, so sad.
I am feeling your pain too.
I lost my lovely Mum to cancer last week.
Lots of love to you and your family.

[mankymummy]

did he die at home ?

i think if you want answers then you should find out as soon as you can what happened.

i wish i had, i know what happened but i never confronted the doctors about it and so have still carried the guilt.

i'm not sure if this will help you or not but i was watching my dad very closely when he died and before he physically died and it got really, really awful i saw him "go". he was still alive but he wasnt there anymore. i really believe that when someone is dying and the pain becomes unbearable their spirit (or whatever you choose to call it) leaves.

it has helped me come to terms with what happened knowing that it was just his body suffering at the end.

not sure if i've made any sense or if you can relate to what i mean but i hope that it was the same for your dad...

[windygalestoday]

homecomfort xx

im so very sorry that that happened,we nursed my mil through terminal breast cancer and i understand how empty yet full of raw anger you are,time is a healer you get used to the gaping hole in your heart and you must do what you think is right to answer your own questions with the doctors.

[homecomfort]

Thnk you for your kind words.
I am sorry you went through that mankymummy

I want to find out why he had to go through that at the end. However my brother thinks we best leave it. I think i will talk to him when i go over today.

The doctor turned up about 15 min after he died and said they dont normaly die like that then i want to know WHY!

[noddyholder]

I am so sorry I didn't think this sort of thing happened in this day and age.You will probably need some help and support to get over this?Could you approach your gp for help?Thank goodness he is now free and with your mum you sound like lovely children to stay with him at a time like that