Flashbacks - trigger warning

[sleeptight1]

My Mum died suddenly on Wednesday; I was the one to find her. She had many health problems but was enjoying her life. We went to the theatre last week and she loved it.She was unwell with sickness and a headache and went to bed during the day. I was visiting and checked on her and tucked her in bed and said I pop in later to see if she wanted anything else.

I think it was about 1 hr later when I went in and found her unresponsive in bed. We did CPR until the paramedics came but they couldn't revive her. I know it is early days and I am coping well but my biggest problems is flashbacks to finding her in bed and shaking her shoulders and shouting out to my Dad. The 999 operator was on the phone while I was doing CPR and repeating over and over 1,2,3 -1,2,3 so I could keep the rhythum. Saliva has pooled in her mouth so as I was doing the CPR it was sort of bubbling/foaming. Her bowels also emptied on the floor. I keep revisiting these visions throughout the day and don't know what to do to make them stop. Apart from time?

[Poppity3]

Hi OP I’m so sorry for your loss, and very sorry about the circumstances, how awful for you. Well done for doing your best to revive your mum.

I did CPR on someone last summer, a complete stranger who collapsed and stopped breathing. It was awful, even though she (amazingly) actually started breathing and recovered eventually.

I got multiple daily flashbacks for around 2 months of her mouth and teeth, and the vomit afterwards. I did a lot of proactive stuff like talk to a counsellor, talk to friends and family etc. but found it hard to really go into details and found it didn’t really help unfortunately.

One thing I’d really recommend is calling the British heart foundation. They have something called Heart Helpline where you can speak to a cardiac nurse if you have done CPR. Speaking to someone who had experience of CPR and the various outcomes was so helpful, and normalised all of the feelings I was having. She pointed out that, as professionals, medics debrief (informally or formally) after a CPR episode, but members of the public obviously don't get that.

here is the link: https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-helpline

i don’t get flashbacks often now, so they did lessen over time and speaking to the cardiac nurses really helped because they knew exactly what the sights/sounds/smells were like.

I know it will be different for you because it’s your mum, but I wanted you to know that it’s totally normal (if horrible). If you feel up to calling the helpline or speaking to someone else medical (e.g. your GP) they might be able to talk it through with you and help you put those details to rest.

💐 and un-mumsnetty hugs for you OP.

[sleeptight1]

Thank you so much for your indepth response @Poppity3 . I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I think the helpline will really help and am going to contact them tomorrow. I don't want to share what I saw with anyone in reallife,my Dad saw it but obviously don't want to upset him but I need to talk it through with someone so that I can come to terms with it. I have no feelings of guilt fortunately. When I tucked my Mum in bed I stroked her hair and face and comforted her before telling her I would be back later to check on her. I know I did my best and I kept calm throughout, apart from when I called 999 and they asked me what service I wanted and I just kept saying its my Mum, shes not breathing. They kept saying to me when did you last see her breathing and I kept saying I don't know. I found her at 3.30pm (my Fitbit shows Intensive exercise kicking off around this time which must have been the CPR) but at the time I had no concept of time. Thank you again.

[Justanotherusername27]

Hey, (I saw you comment on another post) I’m so sorry about your mum. That must of been horrific, on top of such a big loss. I didn’t go through the same thing but saw things I absolutely never thought I would. For the first few days it’s all I could see when I thought about my mum but (healthy or not) everytime I thought like that comes in I tried to imagine her laughing and now they barely come up at all and I manage to push through them without trying. Also I try and think my mum had thousands of days on this earth that I was a part of and was so lucky to witness. The final bit was barely a dot on her full and wonderful life.

Maybe contact bereavement services as I am very sure they will be able to help you. X

[Firelighter9]

So sorry to hear your loss.

not the same situation but one of my parents died earlier this year, no cpr but the last days were horrific and traumatic. I had flashbacks throughout the day for over a month, then every night when I was trying to sleep, probably until about 2 months. Since then, whilst they do pop back, it’s much less frequent and I’m now able to think about them and remember happier times not just the final days.

I know from a PTSD perspective, services suggest a “watch and wait” for a few months after a traumatic event as it’s normal to relive it like this, but if it persists beyond that there is more help available. not saying it’s PTSD but just relating to trauma.

the suggestion about the BHF phone line from @Poppity3 sounds really good, hope that helps too xx

[eatdrinkandbemerry]

I found my mum deceased almost 5 months ago in quite traumatic circumstances.
The 999 operator was talking me through cpr but it was obvious it was too late and the rapid response paramedic who seemed to appear from nowhere confirmed my thoughts.
It's true it gets easier with time but I'm still having flashbacks that put me right back to the
Moment I found her when I sleep (I can control this during the day).
I'm having trauma therapy through the NHS to try to overcome this x
Get all the help you need is my only advice and of course I'm sending hugs x