Work in the months following grief - the guilt of not performing well

[Stressedashell]

I had a fair few weeks off following my bereavement (a few months ago) and whilst I’m mostly feeling better, as in - there are better days but sometimes the grief still hits me out of nowhere and knocks me for six, plus ongoing family conflict relating the death are just making me a really terrible employee. I frankly just don’t really care about work - which is not usual for me, I always used to love working and put my all in. But often now I’m either stressed and can’t focus, or haven’t slept (awake until 3am last night) and am shattered.

work are supportive, but I feel guilty about lack of productivity. Some days where I haven’t slept well I don’t end up logging on until later or spend much of the day avoiding doing very much.

I don’t feel I can afford to take much more time off - partly due to pay and not wanting to use up all my paid leave, and also feeling like I am letting people down (colleagues and clients).

im trying to prioritise getting good sleep, eating well, moving every day. But the things that have happened are so traumatic and the current conflict is so stressful, it feels very difficult to overcome.

Should I Be upfront and honest with work? I feel like I’m going under the radar a bit at the moment which does help but then I feel guilty on top of everything else.

[Stressedashell]

Just to add I thought about accessing some free counselling (if that exists) via a bereavement charity or similar but I worry the family issues are just so complex that a few free sessions won’t cover it. I once got a free 6 sessions from work when my loved one was first diagnosed but the counsellor said I had too much to unpack in 6 sessions so didn’t scratch the surface. I’m considering private counselling as whilst expensive I think it might really help - just costly at a time when I can’t really afford it

[Tintackedsea]

I think counselling will be invaluable. It sounds like you need it to function. It seems expensive but if you think it's like paying to fix flood damage in your home or something essential. You've become overwhelmed and there is no other option. You need to fix your mental health or you will suffer and struggle for so much longer.

I'm sorry for your loss, op. Take care.

[billyt]

@Stressedashell

Unfortunately, same here.

Wife passed away in January. Work were very good, told me to take as long as I wanted/needed. Been back at work a few weeks but just can't be bothered. All computer based but I sit there and do nothing.

I also can't be bothered doings things I used to enjoy. I had to use some days holiday I had carried over from 2023. I had 11 days due to Easter as well. Made a list and did absolutely nothing on that list.

Noticed the cherry blossom on our tree today and wondered why life just carries on as normal when it's not anymore.

[CapitanSandy]

Can really resonate with this. How can we be productive when life has completely changed in the worst way?

[kaiadeluded]

Sorry for your losses @Stressedashell & @billyt
I lost my mum who I was very close to in late September and life hasn't been the same since to be honest. She had cancer but her death was quite traumatic & sudden.
I went back to work quite soon after the funeral but it was a mistake to go back too soon.
I've got MH illness anyway which has been exacerbated by mums passing. I'm going back to work on Sunday after 2 weeks signed off.
My managers are so far being very supportive.
I'm on the list for counselling from MacMillan family support but it will be a while.

[PermanentTemporary]

All I can say is that I had almost 5 years' therapy after dh died. It was a traumatic death with a ruptured family relationship afterwards. It really helped.

[kaiadeluded]

I don't care about certain things as much as I used to.

[CapitanSandy]

This may be a silly question so forgive me but how does bereavement counselling help? Is it just space to talk?

[Pleasedontdothat]

Same here - my husband died completely unexpectedly five months ago. I went back to work after the funeral but couldn’t cope and took another couple of weeks off. I’ve been back since Christmas but have completely lost my work mojo - I’m doing the bare minimum and simply don’t have the concentration or focus to do much more. His death was very traumatic and the estate is a complicated mess so that’s taking up loads of mental energy. I feel guilty (then again I’m feeling guilty about pretty much everything) but I’m having to cut myself some slack and just keep plodding on for now.

[BCBird]

Grief is so unpredictable. I totally get what you mean re sometimes we can have better days. I once read grief is like a wave;sometimes you are dipping ur toes in the water then out of the blue it can come crashing down and knock u off ur feet. My partner died in very traumatic circumstances over two years ago. I blocked out the grief at work. Work was a bit of respite. It was my.personal life that went out of the window. Sleep poor, massive weight gain, depression re not wanting to fo anything. I think u must be kind to urself OP. If u can access some counselling I would seriously consider it. Take care OP

[GoodOldEmmaNess]

I feel just the same as you, OP. And am I right in thinking that, like me, you are working from home? In my experience that makes everything harder. You aren't caught up in the office structures that help to impose (at least partial) concentration and compartmentalisation.

I feel like I am at around a quarter of what should be my productivity. My employer is understanding, and some days I do openly say that I haven't been able to do XYZ because of my state of mind. But really all his concessions and goodwill just make my sense of guilt even worse.

I haven't got any solutions to offer, but sometimes it is useful just to have your difficulties validated. It isn't because of any personal failings that your productivity is low. It is because your brain is a bit broken. You really can only do part of what your job requires. It is your employer's job to work out how to manage that. If they value you as an employee they will probably be happy to take your partial productivity for now. Or, if that isn't right for them, they need to take the initiative and work out a strategy with you. Your responsibility is only to do what you can and be honest about your limitations

[Stressedashell]

@GoodOldEmmaNess

I feel just the same as you, OP. And am I right in thinking that, like me, you are working from home? In my experience that makes everything harder. You aren't caught up in the office structures that help to impose (at least partial) concentration and compartmentalisation.

I feel like I am at around a quarter of what should be my productivity. My employer is understanding, and some days I do openly say that I haven't been able to do XYZ because of my state of mind. But really all his concessions and goodwill just make my sense of guilt even worse.

I haven't got any solutions to offer, but sometimes it is useful just to have your difficulties validated. It isn't because of any personal failings that your productivity is low. It is because your brain is a bit broken. You really can only do part of what your job requires. It is your employer's job to work out how to manage that. If they value you as an employee they will probably be happy to take your partial productivity for now. Or, if that isn't right for them, they need to take the initiative and work out a strategy with you. Your responsibility is only to do what you can and be honest about your limitations

Edited

Thank you @GoodOldEmmaNess, yes I am also working from home. I do have an office I can go to but most colleagues work from home and it’s a long old commute which puts me off (especially with poor sleep at the moment).
you are totally right about needing it to be validated - no real solution but some acceptance that it is what it is at the moment.