Writing a card

[unsurre]

I am in a rush so I am going to keep it brief

My neighbour passed away earlier this week. We know as we saw a private ambulance take a body, and his wife was on the doorstep as they left 😔

She hasn't come to tell us, but we know she is at home.

It's been three days and nothing, so we want to acknowledge his passing with a card and let her know we are here if she needs anything.

We are not close, but they always send cards and presents at Xmas and birthdays for the kids m and chat in the street if we see them.

Should we post a card? What should we write?

[unsurre]

Just to add, he was elderly and had heart problems, so while it may be unexpected, it wouldn't have been totally out of the blue.

[MaggieFS]

Yes, do a card, it's a kind and thoughtful thing to do. Just say something along the lines of:

I'm sorry for your loss, will miss seeing George's cheery wave across the driveway every morning. If there's anything which we can help with or if you want to pop in for a cuppa, please let me know.


Do you know if she has family around to help? If not, she might even appreciate you knocking and invite you in there for a tea. It's a horrible time after someone dies, most people feel awkward or assume you'll have family there or assume you'll be very very busy so consequently you can end up very very alone.

[unsurre]

@MaggieFS

Yes, do a card, it's a kind and thoughtful thing to do. Just say something along the lines of:

I'm sorry for your loss, will miss seeing George's cheery wave across the driveway every morning. If there's anything which we can help with or if you want to pop in for a cuppa, please let me know.


Do you know if she has family around to help? If not, she might even appreciate you knocking and invite you in there for a tea. It's a horrible time after someone dies, most people feel awkward or assume you'll have family there or assume you'll be very very busy so consequently you can end up very very alone.

I guess i just feel unsure about whether to send a card when she hasn't actually told us, it's only because we happened to be at home when the private ambulance arrived and we saw him being brought out.

But as you say she might need someone to reach out.

Somebody took her away for the night when it happened, we saw her getting into a car with someone we have never seen before, but she is definitely back home now.

Nobody visits them atall. We have lived here 13 years and have never known them to have visitors. So I am concerned that she is navigating all this by herself 😔

[Fizzadora]

Why on earth don't you go round and visit.

[MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira]

I would just knock, maybe take something I often used to pop to my enemy neighbour when I'd been baking then round out that even at nearing 90 she lives a ferociously hot curry, so whenever I make a plate/tupperware for her and she'll have it for dinner the next day.
Just knock and say morning Jane I noticed I'd not seen John around, and I know his health was difficult. I just wanted to check in and make sure you're ok, I brought some biscuits if you fancy a cuppa? That way if he's in hospital and not dead you haven't assumed.

[MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira]

Elderly not enemy! Although she'd find that amusing

[viques]

I agree with Fizzadora, by all means write a card, but knock on the door to give it to her ( obviously when you are not rushing off somewhere). She might want to talk, she might not, she might invite you in, she might not, but you will have made contact, and the next time you see her won’t be so awkward.

[unsurre]

@Fizzadora

Why on earth don't you go round and visit.

Because we wanted to give her space and time to process whatever has happened and not be at her door when she might not be ready to talk.

Believe me I am not making decisions about what to do or not to do lightly, I'm just trying to be mindful.

[ButterflyTable]

Just go and knock.

[unsurre]

@MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira

I would just knock, maybe take something I often used to pop to my enemy neighbour when I'd been baking then round out that even at nearing 90 she lives a ferociously hot curry, so whenever I make a plate/tupperware for her and she'll have it for dinner the next day.
Just knock and say morning Jane I noticed I'd not seen John around, and I know his health was difficult. I just wanted to check in and make sure you're ok, I brought some biscuits if you fancy a cuppa? That way if he's in hospital and not dead you haven't assumed.

He has definitely passed, he was taken away in a bag in a private ambulance.

[TheFlis]

I would pop round with some flowers. You can then just hand them over if she doesn’t seem keen to chat.

[gimmegimmegimmeagin]

Go to the door, especially if a few days have passed. She'll make it very clear if you are welcome in or not. When my DF passed my DM was grateful for company in the early days. You don't need to stay long to let her know you are there if she needs you. Also, I think the world would be a better place if more people were as considerate as you are being ❤️

[viques]

@unsurre

Because we wanted to give her space and time to process whatever has happened and not be at her door when she might not be ready to talk.

Believe me I am not making decisions about what to do or not to do lightly, I'm just trying to be mindful.

I think you are being kind and considerate, but I think you ought to give her the opportunity to decide how much space and time she needs to process his death. She might not be ready to talk , but she will know that you cared enough to find out by contacting her face to face.

[mirl]

I think you should go round and knock to see if she's alright before taking a card. Just say you wanted to check if everything was alright and if she/they needed anything. Then post a card through later in the afternoon. She hasn't told you he's passed away and I think presuming it, without confirmation from the family, may seem a bit of an imposition to her. My mother passed away a few months ago and it was a bit strange to start receiving cards from people I didn't really know, or know at all, less than 24 hours later. It just felt a bit gossipy.

[unsurre]

I knocked on this afternoon with a card, as soon as she opened the door it confirmed what I already knew and there was no misunderstanding.
I explained I had seen what had gone on outside earlier in the week and just wanted to see how she is and whether she needs anything.
She broke down and said it had all been a terrible shock, I hugged her and held her hand, and let her have a little cry.
I gave her the card and reiterated anytime she needs a chat, or any help with anything atall she can call round or phone.
It was freezing outside so I told her to get back in the warm and she said she was glad to have a neighbour like me.
I feel terrible knowing she is clearly in a bad way but glad I have reached out and she knows she is being thought of ❤️

I will take some food and flowers tomorrow and make sure it's clear that I don't want to pester her or overwhelm her but we are there any time.

[mumof2many1943]

unsurre if only there were more people like you the world would be a better place!.

[Northernsouloldies]

I'd wait for official announcement first rather than act on seeing the private ambulance.your heart is in the right place though.

[xyz111]

@unsurre

I knocked on this afternoon with a card, as soon as she opened the door it confirmed what I already knew and there was no misunderstanding.
I explained I had seen what had gone on outside earlier in the week and just wanted to see how she is and whether she needs anything.
She broke down and said it had all been a terrible shock, I hugged her and held her hand, and let her have a little cry.
I gave her the card and reiterated anytime she needs a chat, or any help with anything atall she can call round or phone.
It was freezing outside so I told her to get back in the warm and she said she was glad to have a neighbour like me.
I feel terrible knowing she is clearly in a bad way but glad I have reached out and she knows she is being thought of ❤️

I will take some food and flowers tomorrow and make sure it's clear that I don't want to pester her or overwhelm her but we are there any time.

That was really kind of you.

[whatisforteamum]

Bless you.
You did the right thing.Just sending a card so soon would seem a bit odd or presumptious.I know you saw the private ambulance

[BereaverBeaver]

@unsurre that's lovely and well done. Plenty of people are too scared of intruding or causing offence and leave the bereaved swinging in the wind - so that is a beautiful thing.