How to be dignified at funeral

[LipstickLil]

I'm going to the funeral of a young person who died in an accident and I'm a friend of the DM. I'm really heartbroken for her, but I don't want to be a sobbing wreck at the funeral. I want to show support for the family - not make a spectacle of myself. So how do I pull myself together and behave in a dignified way on the day? I'll be driving, so a stiff drink beforehand isn't really an option. I just need to detach a bit, but I'm not sure how. Can anyone who's been to lots of funerals share any wisdom? I haven't been to very many and the few I've been to I've just felt such empathy for the bereaved, but I'd like to be a bit more dignified and calm, if possible.

[Hatty65]

Can you keep reminding yourself mentally that you are there to do a job of work - to support the DM through the loss of her child?

If you make it about silent support and take tissues to hand to her, keep focusing on her/the family and everything else. I know it's difficult.

[Sparetoes]

I went to my friend's 21yo son's funeral. It was heart breaking. Presumably you won't be wailing, but a few tears are completely appropriate if that's what you're feeling IMO. Remember the tissues so you're not sniffing. Find yourself something useful to do, passing round food/drinks, doing the washing up if they're having something afterwards.

[mrssunshinexxx]

@LipstickLil I genuinely don't think you need to detach etc. cry as much as you feel, behave how you do naturally. At my mums funeral it actually gave me great comfort to see so many people as crushed as we were. It made me feel less alone that all these people would miss her dearly from their lives too.

[Ruthietuthie]

Funeral director here. There are certain funerals that are really tough even for funeral professionals (children's funerals for me). I agree with the poster above. Focus on this as a job - your job is to support your friend. Before hand, think of a phrase that expresses this job (mine is "I am here for the family") and say it to yourself within your head while breathing deeply. Repeat this in your head while box-breathing.
What a devastating loss. I am so sorry.

[SleepingisanArt]

At a particularly difficult funeral I found a point (it was a doorknob) and focused on it. I was able to follow proceedings, join in where required but as the rest of my mind was so focused I was able to hold it together.

[MiddleagedBeachbum]

I really don’t understand this thought process.

cry, show your emotions, be vulnerable.

There’s nothing not dignified about showing emotions???
and we wonder why people are so emotionally stunted, repressed, depressed and suffer with their mental health.

Because we continue to say on a societal level that at an end of life ceremony, a chance to publicly mourn the loss of a human life that it’s undignified to show emotion???
That makes no sense!

[mrssunshinexxx]

Our vicar who walked in front of the Hearst who was also a neighbour was holding back his tears. It was a special kind of funeral during the first lockdown where the whole community gathered whilst she had one 'last lap' of the village.

[Dahlia444]

Sadly I have developed a few top tips for ruthlessly trying to hold it together.
Don't look directly at the coffin.
Avoid looking at the photos in the booklet/video if there is one. Look up but sort of look past it.
Breathe.
Take mints.
Avoid looking over at people who will be very upset unless you are needed to support, supply tissues (obviously don't ignore in any sense if they need you).
Singing can be tough so if necessary mouth the words but don't activate vocal chords.
I'm so sorry you and your friends are going through this.
(A stiff drink has the opposite effect ime!)
There's nothing wrong in crying but you're right to not make it about you.

[Comedycook]

I think you'll be surprised how many people will cry. A funeral of a young person is really upsetting....even if you aren't a particularly close relative or friend. No one will judge you.

If you really do want to not cry though, what I do is recite in my head TV shows I know well. Sounds a bit odd but helps me zone out

[shearwater2]

My cousin died young, and that was by far the saddest funeral I've been to- I was just so sad for his fiancée, my aunty and my other cousins, and so many people attended and lined the streets around the church. That was very touching but it all made it feel so public too. It will be ok to cry, seriously, but if you feel huge wracking sobs coming on or you find it too much, it's also ok to go out for some fresh air. Hope it goes well x

[LittleLegsKeepGoing]

You don't have to be stoic. Your friend has lost their child, it's perfectly natural for you to be upset about that.

The only thing that upset me at my sister's funeral was someone trying to get in front of my children at the front of the service he's lucky I didn't wallop him! other people being upset, even people I didn't even know that were friends with my sister (so strangers to me) felt right. Her being taken from us was devastating, as a PP mentioned, there's a kind of comfort in knowing someone else held my sister in high enough esteem to be truly upset at her passing.

Focus on your friend and what she needs. That might be moving people on from her, helping with mundane tea making, just standing there with a ready supply of tissues and a shoulder to cry on. Take your lead from her and give her as much practical support as you can, she won't forget your support.

If you really want to detach then don't listen to anything. Don't focus on the words being said by the officiant, zone out from the music being played. But I'd honestly just go with your natural response.

[Soubriquet]

Nothing wrong with crying. Just don’t loudly wail.

[TheSandHurtsMyFeelings]

I am awful at funerals, always cry regardless of who it is. I don't think I've ever made a fool of myself (well, there was one years ago that I inwardly cringe about a bit but there were extenuating circumstances) but I always think that other people are holding it together better than me.

My tips are: sit at the back, take lots of tissues, find something boring to focus on like a pattern in the carpet or, as a pp said, a doorknob / sign etc. I have also been known to pinch hard on the skin between thumb and forefinger which is distracting. Sounds a bit odd but it works for me.

There's nothing wrong with crying at funerals though. It's expected! No one will mind as long as you aren't distracting from the immediate family etc.

[Soubriquet]

I bit my lip at my last funeral. Regretted it after cos my poor lip was sore for ages.

[LipstickLil]

I won't wail - I'm British! But I will cry, because it's so incredibly sad

I don't feel I have to be stoic and not cry, but I'd prefer not to be a mess and to focus on supporting my friend and her family. I will try the breathing and focusing on something if it feels overwhelming - thank you for those tips. Life is so unbelievably cruel sometimes. There really is no natural fairness or justice.

[Roselilly36]

I have been in this position, I tried my hardest to compose myself so not too upset my children further. Of course, I cried and much more when I got home. Still very upset about my friend’s child’s death many years later. Funerals of young people are always the saddest.

[LipstickLil]

Thank you for all the kind words. It really is a devastating loss

[Chypre]

Start taking something like Kalms or similar Valerian root/herbal supplement beforehand (as directed on the label) and on the day. It might work, even as a placebo - I always find it easier to hold it together when I am taking those.

[NewName24]

I agree with those saying they don't understand the thinking of trying to make yourself not cry.
That is the point of a funeral - or any coming together after death. Humans as a race are societal creatures and bringing the community together to grieve is a concept developed over time because it is helpful to us.
You see it now in the vigils held after sudden and often horrific deaths - people without a faith still want to come together a 'be' with other people.
This IS the time to cry. It is a normal and natural response to any death, but particularly the death of a child or younger person.

I am sorry for your loss.
I once had cause to go to 2 separate, not related funerals of 22 year olds within a couple of weeks of each other. It was awful. But it was good to let the tears out.

[ItsAllSoBleak]

Honesty don't worry about it.

Grief and bereavement separates the wheat and the chaff - in that if you have been bereaved and suffered deep grief you recognise it in others and you honsestly don't care if someone is crying because you expect it. It shows their love and the depth of their love.

The only thing you need to avoid is putting those closer to the deceased than you in a situation where they feel they need to comfort you - which is more about what you say than just bawling your eyes out.

Cry. Be upset. It's allowed and it is just love being expressed in a different way.

Apart from the joy of showing you cared and that lost person really mattered to people, its' good for you - bottling up grief is storing up psychological problems for the future.

[helpfulperson]

Bachs rescue remedy. I'm not convinced it isn't the placebo effect but I find it works just to take edge off things.

[MargeretIntheWood]

Watch Earl Spencer's speech at the funeral of his sister Diana for a perfect example of dignity in grief, and then emulate him.
I gather Nobs are trained to do this sort of thing really well, all credit to him. You could tell he was heartbroken but he really held it together.

[Sparetoes]

He wasn't dignified. He used it as an opportunity to take a swipe at the Royal family, in front of her children, who are part of it. He might not have been wrong, but doing it a funeral is the very opposite of dignified.

[OrderOfTheKookaburra]

Try to have a good sob beforehand. Put on a sad movie, go through some photos, anything that will get you crying NOW. If you've had a good cry you are more likely to hold it together on the day as you won't have as much pent up emotion.

[benjoin]

@Hatty65

Can you keep reminding yourself mentally that you are there to do a job of work - to support the DM through the loss of her child?

If you make it about silent support and take tissues to hand to her, keep focusing on her/the family and everything else. I know it's difficult.

This is what helps me. You'll have to channel your inner actor and pretend you're playing a role.

Sounds weird and detached I know. I probably have issues.