Clearing out DM's flat and feeling overwhelmed. Any tips to make it easier?

[BeforetheDawn]

My DM died last month and although it wasn't exactly unexpected, I'm still finding the prospect of sorting through her things and clearing out her flat daunting and overwhelming. We're luckier than many in that she had downsized a couple of years ago and got rid of a lot of things then but there's still such a lot.

I've just been trawling through amazon looking for books that might help and have come across The Gentle Art of Swedish Death cleaning, but it's written from the point of view of getting rid of your own stuff in advance of dying. I feel like I just need a bit of a handhold and some pointers on where to start and how to organise such a big task, and I realised the collective wisdom of MN might be more useful than a book! I was wondering if anyone who has experience of this could share tips on how to go about it, physically and emotionally.

So sorry for your loss. We had to do this a few years ago for my MIL belongings. We found it easier to work through categories of items. We started with clothes. We had no sentimental attachment to them, they're easy to find a home for when you've finished sorting them and it clears a large area quite quickly. Then kitchen, again apart from a couple of pie dishes and a cereal bowl, no attachment, and a homeless charity took everything basically as a set to help set someone up in a new flat (they also took the fairly new white goods).
Other categories are harder, and if you have space in your own house, you can have a box of things that you're not ready to face yet. For us it was ornaments that MIL had an attachment to, but we wouldn't want on display in our house and photos.

If you've got any friends in the local area who have been through similar recently you can ask them for any tips, ie, the homeless charity who will take everything or a charity shop who will collect from you.

Thank you so much for this. Reading it made me realise that on some level I just need permission to get rid of stuff. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experience and wisdom. I'm going over today and I now have a place to start. Thank you.

So sorry for your loss @BeforetheDawn

I think the previous poster has some good advice. Try and start with the things you definitely hold no attachment to.

And absolutely you are allowed to get rid of things. Don't feel guilty for that. If there is no time constraints on sorting things out do it at your own pace. Do one box/one cupboard/one drawer etc whatever feels easiest to manage at the time.

It is okay to let her stuff go - she doesn’t need it any more. If it makes you feel better to gift stuff to people who need it then find a charity she would have supported and give it to them.
If you can do it at your own pace then tackle what you feel like doing when you visit.
Clearing out food cupboards and everyday kitchen ware may come more easily than best China and personal stuff like photographs and letters.
You should begin to see the space you’ve created and hopefully this will encourage you to keep going.
Charities can do final house clearance for you if you’re unable to deal with disposing of furniture etc yourself.
I found the process helpful in that it gave me time to consider my mum and her life; her home being empty was a natural part of the process. Yes it is overwhelming at the start but you will get it done with time.

My mum told me not to be hasty when clearing her stuff. This was because her mother died suddenly (heart attack) and my own DM had regrets in getting rid of most of her stuff.
So, when my own DM died, I had 3 sections.

1. Stuff she liked but I had no attachment to. Sold/donated.
2. Stuff that was sentimental (special jewellery, photos, Nik naks I remember from childhood etc)
3. Stuff I wasn't sure about.

I got rid of number 1 straight away.
Number 2 were boxed and labelled.
Number 3 boxed to be looked at at a later date when it's not so raw and I'm thinking more clearly.

Good luck x

Thank you for your responses, this is all so helpful. I'm naturally a person who likes organisation and is upset by mess and chaos, but I was struggling to find a 'way in' to this and a way of categorising.

I think I'll need to be put all paperwork in a box to go through later. Same with photos and family archive stuff. Clothes I'll do today, and the rest can go in the 3 boxes system.

The fact that she'd recently moved makes it miles easier in many ways but harder in that the things she kept were the things she cherished and I feel disloyal and heartless getting shot of them. I think there's something disorientating about losing your mum (and we were lucky that my mum retained capacity and strong involvement in our lives until the end) in that you feel suddenly a bit rudderless. I'm grateful for the guiding hand of other wise women here while I find my sense of direction again. Thank you.

Sorry for your loss @BeforetheDawn
Just to echo what PPs have said, go at whatever pace feels right. There’s no rush. And it may (or may not) - there’s no rule book here - feel quite emotionally overwhelming. So allow yourself time for that too.
Good luck.

I've had to do this a couple of times. I would strongly recommend (in hindsight) getting someone professional to help. It may sound extreme but honestly you will struggle to differentiate between actual heirlooms/useful items and broken plates and biscuit tins at the moment. I know I almost went into hoard mode at my DM's because every item was 'precious'. It resulted in years of storing relative rubbish and me not being able to properly use a room in my house! I'd say hire someone to help for a couple of hours. Locally to me there is a lady called Mrs Organiser who is great - also does tips on Kent Radio if you wanted to google. If you really can't afford the extra money, perhaps a friend who is level headed and can spare a few hours in return for a nice dinner?

So sorry for your loss OP. It's tough clearing out any property but when it's a close relative it's really is hard.

We've cleared out both my mums and my MiL's houses when they died. My mum died suddenly and sorting a 4 bed house out was overwhelming. I kept very few things : important documents, a ring, my nanas tea set that was given to my mum. That's it. Everything else was sold or skipped. I don't have room in my house for more things, especially things I won't use.

Do you have a friend or family member that could help you? Even just there for moral support?

I’m still sorting out my Mum’s house. I gave all of her clothes to a women’s refuge - largely jeans, jeggjngs, tops, coats, fleeces, boots and shoes. I found a charity that collected from the house - you put everything in boxes and they just collect it from the drive. That took bedding, tablecloths, books, china dinner services, but not furniture. Furniture went to BHF or local FB free sites. I kept anything I feel remotely sentimental about and this is boxed up to go through in slower time. I agree with don’t do it too quickly, and get rid of unsentimental stuff first. I’ve still got to tackle the loft and the garage.

Sorry for your loss @BeforetheDawn

Some great advice here.

When my mum died a few years ago, we were able to clear by degrees which helped.

I agree with the idea of categorising and thus getting rid quickly of the items you really don’t need.

We found it helpful to find useful places for things.

We (three siblings) chose items we wanted to keep such as jewellery, items of furniture, kitchen items.

Unwanted bags and clothes - charity shop
There were piles of mugs and actually the secondary school where I worked was a happy home for those
We put some things on freecycle and were surprised what people wanted - it felt good to give a delighted punter my mum’s half finished furniture restore project
Charities (bhf and others) took some of the furniture

hth

It's not easy.

I think you've had great advice. I found books the hardest as it was the closest connection area I had with my mum. I just accepted it would take me a long time. At least they are easy to box up, though sadly they are increasingly hard to get rid of and I did end up binning quite a lot that weren't in any state to give away.

If you've had anyone say 'let me know if I can help' this is the time to ring them up and recruit them. And do consider a skip.

My sympathies, it really is so hard. When I had to clear my parents house I did things a bit differently and did a few 'sweeps' of the house - first was paperwork and photos. Everything in a box and no looking at it, just a mindless pick and pack. Then a 'things that were precious and an absolute keeper for me/my brother'. Somehow deciding then on things we loved/cherished felt very positive. Then a 'things of value that needed to be sold'. Obv then there was a bit of a 'things that might be wanted' but alas a big house clearance too.
The paperwork, photos, and things to sell all went to a storage unit as it was too far to keep going back and forth and actually worked very well as I could sit quietly and go through the boxes one at a time sorting them but with some push to clear things out. Photos went into absolute keep, not sure, bin boxes (random holiday pictures of people I didn't know, indeterminate animals etc)

@BeforetheDawn

Sorry for your loss 💐

I had to do this last year when my Dad died.

I removed all the paperwork first so I could go through it at home to find all the items needed immediately.

Do the items that mean the least first then you will have a clear headspace to deal with the meaningful items.

I sorted clothes and donated those to a charity.

The kitchen was next, food was either taken home or donated to a food bank.

We went through all the cupboards and we chose items we wanted to keep and everything else was donated to a local independent childrens hospice charity shop who were so grateful.

Furniture and white goods we sold to a local business - we all took anything we wanted before this happened.

Another family member dealt with the loft, garage, shed and greenhouse and we ended up getting a scrap man round to take anything metal.

We all chose items we wanted to keep and pictures were shared between us.

Certain items Dad wanted people to have I ensured they got them.

I do have boxes of items in my loft and garage as I wasn't sure if I wanted to give away or keep - I will go through these when I am ready.

It feels so wrong to be throwing or giving items away, things my Mum and Dad chose to have in their house and this played on my mind a lot it felt a bit disrespectful but then I had to realise I could not keep everything and it would not bring them back, I have all the items (and more) they wanted me to have.

It is the hardest thing and if you can take you time do so - but you might feel it is better to get it done, it is your decision there is no right or wrong.

I did this recently with my parents’ house.

For various reasons, my siblings couldn’t/wouldn’t help so I managed it alone with the help of my own family. This helped me to be completely ruthless because there was no-one there who had sentimental attachments to things. It also helped that someone pointed out that the possessions were not mine, and the memories were my parents’.

I asked the siblings if there was anything they wanted, and they kept maybe 6 things between 3 of them.

I set myself a date to have the house cleared which was in 6 weeks. It was a massive undertaking - as well as all of the furniture, white goods etc, I had a lifetime’s worth of china (including all their wedding china which they’d displayed and never used), glasses, cooking ephemera, plus clothes, letters, photos, cards, books etc. Also a garage and 2 large sheds filled with stuff. And 2 cars!

Bu the end of the 6 weeks, I was mates with the people that work in the dump, I’d hired 4 massive skips, given loads to various charities inc a washing machine and tumble dryer that were nearly new.

My advice is to be ruthless. If you’re going to box stuff up only to put it in your own loft - get rid of it.

Start by choosing half a dozen key things that you want to keep to remember her by - maybe a pan, teapot or serving dish you'd actually use, a photograph, a piece of furniture, jewellery, a book, pen, watch etc. Offer all your siblings, close relatives and any grandchildren a similar choice but set limits - they need to collect by X date.

Then accept that these are your mementoes and the rest aren't. Give as much away as possible, rather than throwing stuff out. As PP said work in categories - clothes and good toiletries to a refuge, towels and blankets to pet rescue centres. There are specialist charity shops for furniture and books. Return medicine to chemists. Any NHS equipment should have a sticker with phone number on for collection. Then if you can't face the rest, you could get a house clearance company in.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to pick up on your comment that 'these were things she cherished'. I'm sure some of it may have been but other things she would have taken on the move for practical reasons because it would be useful/fit in her new home. As a silly example, just because she chose to take a wooden spoon to the new home doesn't mean it was a precious object to her. Also even the things she did take because they were important to her aren't necessarily things that need to be important to you. If you had a good relationship generally I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel you have to keep things you don't like/want/have space for.
I am going to find this hard as I have older relatives who find it very hard to get rid of things so a) I'm dreading dealing with their possessions when the time comes and b) by a combination of nature and nurture I'm constantly fighting my 'this might be useful one day' tendencies so I don't drown in clutter.... And yes to asking for help/moral support - if a friend asked me to help with this I would be very glad to, an objective pair of eyes could be very helpful. Wishing you all the best with it.

It's not easy, sorry for your loss.

We had to clear out MIL's house last year, and what we did was to rent storage space, and all the things we couldn't bear to get rid of, her diaries, paintings, family heirlooms etc, are all in storage. With all the rest of it, we tackled one room at a time and had several piles: keep/store, sell/auction, charity shop and rubbish. One thing that helps was that as soon as a room was sorted out, we moved the stuff out of the house and took it to the charity shop or the tip straight away.

With the larger items like her furniture, family had a few things, and we arranged for a local charity to come in and do a house clearance.

If you have a kind friend who could help, then perhaps they could go through her clothes for you.

This is all so helpful, thank you all for your kindness and taking time on a Sunday morning to share your stories and advice. I'm reading each and every post and I've just now sat down with a notebook to compile a list (I love a list!)

There isn't any particular rush though I'd like to get it mostly done by Easter at the end of the month. I like the idea of selecting charities and contacting them for specific items - my mum would really like that. So this has all given me much more purpose and direction.

My kids are grown up and mostly fairly local so I do have help and support. But am now going to listen out more carefully for people saying 'if there's anything I can do...' That's a good point! I will also specifically offer to help friends going through this in future.

Getting stuff to chuck out of the house quickly is also great advice. I've added 'trip to the tip' on today's list of things to do.

I cleared my parents house last year.

I think, psychologically, that, in any room / category, if you take the things that you want to keep as they mean something to you too, it is then much easier to find a useful purpose or throw away the rest. For example:

Dad's clothes - we kept his best tie and some knitwear that was either quintessentially him or that we would wear ourselves. The rest went to a charity shop.

Books - I kept a few that I had given mum and a couple they had given each other with personalised inscriptions. the rest to charity.

Kitchen - I kept the two pint Pyrex jug they heated up soup in and a lasagne dish I made dad lasagne in. Everything else of usefulness went to a women's refuge. Some ancient stuff got binned.

Photo albums I didn't try to sort at the time - they are boxed up here and I still haven't started to streamline them 8 months later. I am just thinking now that I have the mental capacity to start that.

When I had to clear out my parents’ place, I found it got easier once some of the furniture and pictures had gone. Up till then it felt as if they might walk in at any moment but as soon as it started to look different in a major way, that impression went.
Also, I had the strange experience of finding a suitcase full of stuff belonging to my grandmother who had died 25 years before. They were small personal items, probably what came back from the nursing home where she died, that my mother couldn’t bring herself to get rid of. It was touching to find it at the time that I was doing the same task for my mother. It’s a labour of love.

It really helps to know that you are doing some good with your parent's belongings. I gave my parents' tv, kitchen stuff and towels and bedding to a women's refuge. A few months later they sent me a message to say the tv was on the wall in the refuge common room and was being used for stay and play sessions for the kids, exercise sessions for the women and would be used for their sessions aimed at getting the women focussed on planning their future. My dad only used it to watch BBC News 24 and The Chase!!!

My parents were very active in supporting a local hospice, so when they died, my siblings/myself gave a lot of things to the hospice charity shop. Anything that they wanted us to pass on to other people, we did straight away. Other things, we went through, took the things we wanted to keep and then donated the rest. Gave family and friends first refusal before donating things. It’s a hard job

I had to clear my mum's house before she went into a care home. She found it extremely positive to know that my cousins would be using some of her furniture, that her table would go into a new kitchen, so if you can reframe it as these objects having a new, useful life that's a helpful way of thinking about it.

OP its an awful job to do isnt it. My DM had cancer and asked us to give her clothes to a cancer charity - that made it easier because it felt like we had her permission. We also gave lots of other stuff to charity, any paper work and photos I brought home and went through in my own time. I kept things like photoframe and vase that Id brought as gifts and jewellery. Honestly whilst it was shit at the time it felt like a weight lifted once it was finished.