Dad's death was unexpected and traumatic.

[temo]

Hello.
My dad recently passed away from Lung cancer, a diagnosis that he only received just under 4 weeks before his death.
I feel let down by the NHS, the non-existing palliative care, and others who were meant to support my dad and his family.
In some ways, I believe there is a failing with my dad’s care and in due course I will be retrieving his medical records to investigate this.
For now, I am having to navigate my unexpected grief and unexpected trauma. I was with my dad for his last 24hrs and it was a harrowing experience. There was no peace in his death, and I was often left pleading with the nurses on duty to help him.
It was so bad that the last words he ever managed to speak to me will forever haunt me…
“Gun.”
“Shoot.”
“I want to die.”
“This is torture.”
Following these words, he proceeded to attempt hitting himself in the chest with what little energy he had left in a bid to trigger a heart attack.
Unfortunately, that didn’t work and it took a few more agonising hours for him to eventually die.
I feel so alone and angry in this grief. Talking about this with family is out of the question as I’d prefer not to upset them with such details, but what do I do?
How do I move on and live with this for the rest of my life?

[Wishthiswasntmypost]

I understand. I had a dreadful experience similar to this. I put a complaint into the hospice which they fully accepted and agreed with (doesn't change the traumatic experience she suffered) and had bereavement counselling. 2 years after the death I started antidepressants which have helped enormously

I think I had PTSD tbh

[Brillig]

@temo Im sure other people will be along soon, but I just wanted to send you a supportive handhold for now. I’m so very sorry for what your dear dad went through, and what you and your family are suffering now.

I don’t have any great answers, I’m afraid. I lost my beloved mum in circumstances that were deeply distressing to me and to her. Not as traumatic as yours perhaps but it’s something that takes a long time to recover from.

I would definitely recommend counselling, especially if you don’t want to share the details with family, which is completely understandable. I found it very useful.

Hugs to you. Keep talking on here, people will support you.

[NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy]

I'm sorry, I relate to this. The last words my DM said were "this is hell". It's haunted me ever since.

[DGPP]

Hello. Death is sometimes horrific and not at all as people say it is. For what it’s worth, we had really good palliative care with pain relief and there was still a lot of agitation and suffering. When the person knows they are dying they can demand it be over with.
if you think there are failings in care then absolutely take it up with the hospital. For now, accept you’ve had a traumatic experience with possible PTSD. Cruse may be able to help with counselling support.
or try your GP. I try to gain comfort from the fact I was with my loved one, they were not alone. You were there when he passed, it has to count. Sorry you’re going through this

[Wizzadorra70]

I lost my Dad last year to liver cancer, and his last week of life was utterly horrendous. He went from a hospice with a 3 to 6 month prognosis, to a nursing home that just couldn't cope with his needs and died within 21 days. Even with the specialist palliative care team involved, the care wasn't anywhere near good enough and I spent Dad's final days on the phone crying and trying to get him medicated adequately.

It gets easier. Right now you're in shock, you're grieving and it all just feels utterly overwhelming. Take one day at a time, do only what absolutely needs doing and talk to someone, I had counselling through the hospice and it honestly saved my sanity. I was having panic attacks, couldn't sleep... it was honestly the darkest time of my life. You'll get through this

[Mischance]

Not good and wholly unnecessary. My OH died peacefully with end of life care in place - the tiniest sign of distress and drugs were administered.

When you are feeling stronger you might consider taking this up with the hospital.

[beccahamlet]

I'm so sorry. One thing to remember is that ,however hard it was for your dad , he has done it now. He only went through it once and it is over for him. He is no longer in pain. You are going to relive it over and over in your head, of course you are, it's only natural. But your dad has it all behind him now. I hope this brings you some comfort.

[Potentialmadcatlady]

It is so very hard. My Mum literally rotted to death in front of me after withdrawal of care. Staff tried their best but it was grim. Death is not always easy. It’s too early now but please get some grief counselling a little further down the path. You need to talk through the upsetting details so you can process it and deal with it or it will break you. For now you need to keep riding the waves of grief and keep your head above water, everything else can wait.
I remember my grief counsellor telling me it takes 18months to start to process a traumatic death. At the time I thought I can’t do this for that long. But she taught me strategies to help and they did. Talking it through again and again with her ( a stranger so I could) helped a lot as it gave me a safe place to be angry, cross, upset etc etc.
Its not an easy path.. be very kind to yourself

[purpleme12]

Wow this sounds really really hard.
I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for what's happened and I hope one day you can find some peace 💐

[Noseyoldcow]

How awful. My FIL suffered a horrible prolonged painful death too. I know we can't go around knocking people off a la Shipman, but when the end is near and it's as terrible as this, surely it wouldn't be wrong to overdo the morphine a bit to ease the suffering even if it does hasten the end.

[Merrymouse]

All I can say is get counselling.

Had a similar traumatic experience with end of life.

It never goes away, but you can learn to co-exist with it.

[Motherrr]

Just to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please share this with someone f2f though, so you don't carry this alone x

[Differentfromtherest]

Jesus, that is horrifying. There is no need for anyone to die in extreme pain and suffering. I am not a palliative care nurse but have had to nurse many people who were receiving end-of-life care and have never witnessed anything like that.

The palliative care nurses I have dealt with have always made sure patients receive adequate medication to alleviate pain and distress.

I am sorry you had to witness this.

[Merrymouse]

@Differentfromtherest

Jesus, that is horrifying. There is no need for anyone to die in extreme pain and suffering. I am not a palliative care nurse but have had to nurse many people who were receiving end-of-life care and have never witnessed anything like that.

The palliative care nurses I have dealt with have always made sure patients receive adequate medication to alleviate pain and distress.

I am sorry you had to witness this.

My experience was that palliative care nurses are brilliant, but not always available, and other staff aren’t qualified to provide that specific kind of care. Had to wait hours until they were available. (In a big hospital).

[CalamityA]

I had the same experience with my sweet dad 5 months ago. The gun comment to me will haunt me forever.

I am sorry this happened to you too it's hard. I'd love to say it gets easier - it doesn't - but life sort of slots in around the grief. Or more precisely, the grief keeps bursting up whenever it feels like it.

[Mementomorissons]

This is awful I'm really sorry OP 💐

My mum is an end of life carer and had one lung cancer death which she described just as you have done -she said it was the worst one she'd attended in terms of how upsetting it was for the family.

Sorry that obviously doesn't give you any comfort, but just know that it's not an uncommon experience and other people out there know how your feel. He's at peace now, that's what matters

[temo]

Thank you all for the heartfelt messages.

I am lucky enough to have already been seeing a counsellor for something unrelated, which I was strangely enough just finishing up from. So we had a nice long chat a few days after his passing.

Otherwise, just hearing how more common a death like this is, has been eye-opening, and strangely comforting in its own way. It certainly makes you feel less alone.

[Greenscarf1]

@beccahamlet

I'm so sorry. One thing to remember is that ,however hard it was for your dad , he has done it now. He only went through it once and it is over for him. He is no longer in pain. You are going to relive it over and over in your head, of course you are, it's only natural. But your dad has it all behind him now. I hope this brings you some comfort.

This is a really good way to look at it.

OP my lovely dad just died in similar circumstances (cancer, not good care) and it was very distressing. Glad to hear you’re having counselling, hope you’re holding up 💐

[mummylon2]

I had a very similar experience when my stepdad died within weeks after a 1-3 year prognosis. I'm having therapy now because I haven't been coping well and sure I'm stuck in some kind of ptsd or shock. Some days good, some days an absolute car crash. Seek out some grief-specific help if you can. It may take a while but you’ll come out the other side. Sending love xx

[rustlerwaiter]

We lost DM a few months back. No previous serious health issues when she went to hospital Friday, she spent the weekend in ICU and passed on Monday. Seeing someone you love in pain and fading away is distressing @temo, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's even worse when you think it could have been avoided.

I have to say, in the months since, the memories i have of DM have become more about the lifetime spent together and less her final weekend. I hope over time you feel the same too.

[Switcher]

It gets easier to manage over time. I certainly know what I'm planning to do if I get a terminal diagnosis.

[StarlightLime]

God, what a thread . So sorry for you all

[Charlingspont]

So sorry you and your dad had to go through this. I know the reservations people have around assisted dying, but no-one wants to put their loved ones through this surely? I know I don't, and I shall be getting a ferry over to Jersey or the Isle of Man if the new law goes through in time.

[SheerLucks]

OP I'm so very sorry that you're going through this - your poor father - I really hope you can learn to heal to an extent from this.

I just wanted to say, in case people are frightened, that the death of a parent can sometimes be peaceful - I was very lucky.

My Mum went into what was meant to be temporary care, with long Covid, while we tried to put in place at home care. But she just started sleeping longer and longer and just slipped away one evening.

Six months later my Dad, who was now living with us, woke one morning with a beatific smile and kept glancing to my Mum's side of the bed. He had the expression of a 20 year old and looked so happy and soon after slipped into a long sleep and passed away.

I now talk to them daily in the corner of that bedroom that he was staring at before he closed his eyes for the last time.

[Nat6999]

This is one of the reasons I am a supporter of Dignity in Dying, animals have more right to not suffer when dying than humans do.