My friend needs to have a therapeutic abortion at 6 months. What can I do/say to help her?

[brette]

She's a very good old friend and though life has taken us on different paths, I care very much for her and consider her to be part of my extended family. We were rejoicing together last month about her pregnancy and how good she looked. I do not live in the same country as her so I feel far away and helpless. I know nothing can alleviate her pain but what can I do for her?

[gogetter]

Brette, I don't really have any advice. Its a vey sad and tricky subject. I'd just call her a lot and ask her how she is and let her talk or not talk.........
Let her grieve I guess?

Best of luck to her - how awful.

[LondonBird]

Hi there

(Sorry this is long...)

I'm so sorry for your friend, it's a dreadful time. I went through this at 21 weeks in March. By far and away the thing I found most helpful was finding other people who had gone through the same thing - I guess it's the shared understanding. I found Mumsnet immensely helpful, and also ARC (Ante-natal Results and Choices) - though you don't say where your friend is so these may not apply.

We also received a huge amount of cards and letters from friends and family, which was lovely.

I was also hugely lucky with my DH, and really he and I got through it together.

The other thing I really appreciated were people who treated me normally and allowed me to get on with things, rather than treating me with kid gloves. Personally I didn't want to talk about it a great deal to everybody, and went back to work after 4 weeks, but I did hear of somebody who went to bed for 6 weeks after something like this so it is whatever is right for the particular person I guess.

I also tried counselling, but it didn't really work for me, though I do know people for whom it's been quite good. You do need to find exactly the right person though.

When you go through something like this there is a huge conflict between head and heart, because what you are doing goes against every instinct you have, and there are some bits of it that will never be OK. Having said that, what somebody said to me that I found really helpful was that if you are going through this experience, everything you are doing is out of complete love for your child. It doesn't make it better, but there is truth that I found comforting in that thought.

All I can say from 5 months on is that it does get better. It's not a totally smooth upward curve, but at some point you do find yourself on the other side.

Anyway, hope this helps vaguely, do feel free to ask any other questions.

[brette]

Thank you very much for your words, Londonbird, and I'm really very sorry for your loss.
My friend is in France, (I am French too), and I don't know what's available there. I haven't yet spoken to her so I don't really know how she's reacting (she told a friend she's trying to keep hersefl busy with DIY and doesn't feel like company). She learnt the news yesterday, I might wait a bit before calling her. Even though I feel like calling her right now but I'm afraid I will cry and she certainly doesn't need that.
Your words are very useful and I'll keep in mind to suggest to her that she might contact people with similar experience.

[samanthar]

slt brette, perhaps you cd just call and say that although shes a way away she is constantly in your thoughts and that she can call anytime day or night if she needs you. maybe the fact you are a bit away from those she sees all the time it might be easier. a plus

[poppy34]

brette - like londonbird I went through this earlier this year. As she said what I really appreciated were people who treated me like I was normal - let me talk about it if I wanted to but didnt stop calling/texting and talking to me (esp about what was happenign about their lives - early on I appreciated any distraction).


Counselling helped me - particularly bereavement counselling so if she feels comfortable and can get access to it I woudl recommend it as it eases the transistion through the rawness of the loss .

it does get better but its an up/down process so I am sure she'll apprecaited knowing you are looking out for her in the months ahead.

[collision]

I feel so sad for your friend.

Can I ask what a therapeutic abortion is?

Sorry but I dont know.

[expatinscotland]

It's when the abortion occurs because of a genetic condition, collision, such as anencephaly or gross abnormalities or syndromes which are incompatible with life.

[nickytwotimes]

What a terribly sad thing to have to go through. I have no advice as thank god I have never been through it. I suppose treating her as any bereaved parent is the best course? So sorry for your friend and all those involved.

[flowerybeanbag]

Send her a nice card/flowers, I'm sure you have already.
Offer to do anything to help, be there to talk.
Don't tiptoe as Londonbird said. I had one at 21 weeks also last year, and one of the saddest things was that some people avoided me a bit, probably because they didn't know what to say, or thought I wouldn't be up to talking, as poppy says. Sometimes I wasn't up to talking, but your friend can always ignore the phone if she doesn't want to talk, but someone leaving nice messages/keep trying will be appreciated.
And also talking about mundane things. You may think she won't be interested in anything normal, but it is a good distraction and gives you something else to think about.

[moodymoo]

LondonBird, This also happened to me in in March at 21 weeks when my baby was diagnosed with anencephay. I agree with you that it is hard to get your head and your heart to match up but you have to do what is right for your baby, I struggled with this for months after. I didn't want to speak to people, go anywhere or do anything. Nothing else seemed important. If it wasn't for my friends calling me I would never have picked up the phone to call them. Brette I would say phone your friend and let her know that it is ok to talk to you, I would also suggest that you arrange when you are going to phone her again just so that she has something specific to aim for. I have had a lot of counselling to get through this and if she can she should try and find someone that she is comfortable with, I found that the joint counselling I had with my dh really helped as we were finding it diffciult to communicate sometimes - even though overall it really has brought us so much closer together. I have only just returned to work as really couldn't face it until now.
Try and remember your friends due date and send her a card or some flowers just to let her know you still remember her baby - this meant alot to me.
ARC is a fantastic organisation who can give you some great advice. They do have a good website which you could look at if she can't contact them from France.
I think everyone deals with this type of situation differently so see what your friend wants from those around her and respect her wishes.
x

[manitz]

hi i had one on 5 July. i would have liked people to ask me how the birth was. I would have liked acknowledgement for the fact that I had laboured and given birth even if it was to a dead baby. I would have liked to have been sent chocolates and flowers/cards. I would have liked people to tell other people in my social group rather than having to tell everyone again and again, or bumping into people who didn't know.

I expect your friend has had her baby by now but hope that's of some use.