How can I comfort my dying mil?

[Eggsbutnobacon]

My mil is in palliative care suffering from terminal lung cancer. I visit her every morning with dh and he returns to see her on his own in the early evening.

I really really want to be the best support I can both to her and my dh. I know how it feels as I lost both my parents to cancer. So how come I struggle with what to say both to her when she knows she is dying and to my dh who is the strong silent type who has always tried to put a positive spin on any problems in life but just can't now. His dm is dying. How can I support him and help him get through watching her slow decline and say anything to make him feel better? I don't know what to say that isn't going to sound twee or trivial.

I sit at her bedside and chat about mundane things, what she has had to eat and what the dc have been up to. I make sure every request is seen to and will scour the shops to take her what she asks for. I offer to massage her hands, which are skin and bone bless her but I just don't feel I'm doing enough.

When my dm was dying at home my dsil ( a retired nurse) knew exactly what to say and was always comforting and reassuring to my dm and to the whole family.
I just feel useless.

[Eggsbutnobacon]

Sorry for double post. Said it had failed to post and to try again.

[echt]

Eggs, try not to worry about the late development of the relationship, better late than never and, importantly this might be from her perspective, too.

Also, don't feel guilty about wanting it to be over. I felt this, too when my DB was dying, so long, of an incurable illness. I just wanted it to stop so I didn't have to worry. The you can worry about something else. It's just stuff.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Also going to agree - it's understandable to want it to be over, there's no need for guilty feelings. There will be relief when she's gone, mixed with gut-gnawing sadness - and that's normal too.

It's normal to want people's suffering to end, and to want things to progress, even though that means without the loved one who is currently suffering - it's part of life. Otherwise we'd all be stuck in a rut of endless misery.

So yes, your feelings are entirely normal - just let them happen. Know that you are doing the best for your MIL, and that she does appreciate it. You are helping to make the last part of her life better. xx

[Sosidges]

When my Dad died after a long illness, I found it really hard to mourn. I could not cry, I could not do anything. The sense of relief that he was no longer suffering, was overwhelming and paralysing.

Each of you will feel such a range of emotions and being able to comfort each other, to understand each other's feelings will, I hope help you all to cope in the coming years.

You seem like such a wonderful family and I am sure that your MiL is so grateful that you will be there for her son.

[Kr1stina]

Know that you are doing the best for your MIL, and that she does appreciate it. You are helping to make the last part of her life better

This

[claraschu]

When my MIL was dying of lung cancer, I told her how much I loved her son, and what a great man he was, and how I would always take care of him. I'm not sure she could hear or understand me, but I think that's what I would want to hear from my DIL.

[phoria]

just before my mum died she used to get a fever and then go cold. that's how i knew it was close. i used to wish it was over too, not that she would die obviously, but all the waiting and not knowing. it's a strange thing to feel like your life is in limbo but you know what i've been really missing those times in the hospital now. you're probably bored and exhausted but cherish those last moments. it sounds like you're doing a great job. xx

[Oly5]

My mum died last winter and I wanted it to be over too. I think it's natural.
I think touch is really important. I put cream on mum's face and hands and wish I'd done it more as she liked it. I told her I was there even when she was sleeping and told her I loved her.
Tell her you will keep her son safe and her grandchildren. And then tell her again. X

[Eggsbutnobacon]

I visited yesterday morning and she was more alert. She asked my dh to get a carrier bag out of her bedside cabinet and gave it to me. She had put in some little mementoes for me, nothing valuable but they mean such a lot.

I wasn't able to go in this morning due to a long standing medical appointment but dh went in as usual both this morning and evening. He texted me from her bedside tonight to say she was lying in the dark ( she had previously always wanted her bedside lamp on) and that she was very agitated asking if he had been told to come by the hospital staff and drifting in and out of consciousness.
He asked me if he should just leave ( he's very much leaning on me and asking advice, which is good as previously he was keeping things to himself) but I said to stay a bit longer and not to leave without telling her even if her eyes were closed.

When I go in the morning I absolutely intend to tell her what has been advised by the thoughtful posters upthread about how I will look after her son and my fil. I will wait though until dh goes out of the room to get ice or something as I know it will upset him if he hears me.

I am part of a large family and when my parents died we all supported each other. My dh has nobody. Just my fil and him. It's hard.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think you're doing it all just right, Eggs.
I also think that there probably isn't long left now. (((Hugs)))

[YouCanShoveYourOtherGranny]

How very lucky she is to such a lovely dil as you. You are doing an amazing job, so caring and loving. And yes, that wish for it all to be over is so real. Then it is. Hugs to you.

[Oly5]

Agitation is very normal at the end of life, pulling covers on and off and so on. It's a sign. Yes, tell her everything you want to tell her - that you've loved having her as a mil and that you will look after her son and the kids and your fil. That's what people need to know at the end of life - that they can leave in peace