Struggling to come to terms with the traumatic way my Dad died

[Truckingalong]

He didn't die peacefully and I was with him when it happened. The doctors wanted to help but there was nothing they could do. I can't quite bring myself to say the way in which he died, as I find it too traumatic but no amount of support or counselling will ever erase what I witnessed. Is it just a case of time passing by and fading/dulling the memories.

[CMOTDibbler]

My colleague was alone with her brother when he died traumatically in hospital. She had counselling about 6 months afterwards through the hospice he was going to go to, and although it could never take the pain away, she was able to cope with things a lot better after a few sessions. So keep on with them - it does feel very artificial, but it will help.

[lougle]

I'm so sorry. I'm an ITU nurse and I agree that TV portrays death far from realistically. We try so hard to allow a 'good' death, but sometimes no matter what we do, that can't be achieved.

[Parisgellar]

So sorry for your loss OP. Your dad will have been so grateful that you were there with him in those last crucial moments. Your presence will have been a great comfort to him. 'Wallowing' as you call it is not a bad thing, you're going through the grieving process and you're right to want to talk about it (albeit without giving details that you don't want to). Virtual hugs OP

[Ginkypig]

Thank you truck. for you too.

I hope your ok truck, all I can say is time does change the severity of how you feel things. It will always hurt but eventually the nice stuff is easier to reach I. Your memories.


Lougle I think that's a good point. As much as you can do and as much as you care as professionals when it comes to the end you guys can work as hard as you like but actually have very little control over what you can do to help.
I (we) thank you for being there to care for the people we love when what we can do is not enough.

Oh and thanks again thumb

[Truckingalong]

I'm strangely relieved to hear that it's not uncommon to want to tell everyone the brutal truth after the event. I remember doing it with gusto, no holds bared, almost wanting people to recoil (rather than the social bonding element mentioned). Within about 5 ish days though, this changed to not wanting to mention the way he died AT ALL. If I even try to say it, the words get stuck and I can't speak at all.
Thanks all for your kind words - it helps more than you know.
As for the ptsd therapy, I don't know whether I want to forget or remember.

[Truckingalong]

Oh yeah, forgot to say, I'm going to look at Cruse too. Thanks for that suggestion.

[5BlueHydrangea]

It may be helpful to contact the hospital where he died. The consultant looking after him may be willing to sit with you and go through what happened and why. This can help you get your head around it. I have been with families before (professionally) when this happened and they generally find it useful. It is of course a very personal thing though.

[Helmetbymidnight]

My dad died this summer. I'd say about thirty people have innocently asked me 'how was your summer?' And instead of 'it was great' they've had to listen to a blow by blow account of dads death....

I'm now beginning to think 'a good death' is the exception and on the whole, it's nasty, brutal...not like I've seen in films/expected.

Take good care of yourself op- you're not alone in your pain. I am v much reliving mums death twenty years ago. You lost both parents in quick succession- that's got to be hard. Sucks to be an orphan.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

for you too, Helmet.

[KathyBeale]

I'm really sorry about your dad.

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I once read a thread on here about people who had come close to death and they all said - even when the circumstances were terrifying like car accidents or medical emergencies - that they felt no fear. Perhaps you can take some comfort from that. X

[Squeegle]

Yes, it is apparently normal after a trauma to want to share it step by step to anyone! It seems odd when you look back. I'm sorry for your pain. It must be very hard. As the others said, think of it as a small part of his life. It is much harder to watch others going through pain than it is to experience it yourself- you are in the thick of it and you experience it in a very different way. So please don't be hard on yourself, he is at peace now, try to get the comfort from that. It's over.

[Truckingalong]

I do take some crumbs of comfort from the fact that it's over.

I saw the look in his eyes though and the fear & panic, so I'm not sure about not experiencing it. Obviously I have no way of knowing how he felt and I could be projecting.

I'm going to step away from this thread now (despite me starting it!). I just keep re-living it all and I've spent most of the weekend in tears, which isn't typical.

You're all so kind - thank you.

[UnsuccessfullyAdulting]

The caretaker turning the lights off comment was beautiful. Much the best way to describe what can sometimes be a horiffic thing to deal with as nearest and dearest. Wishing you some peace, OP.