Struggling to come to terms with the traumatic way my Dad died

[Truckingalong]

He didn't die peacefully and I was with him when it happened. The doctors wanted to help but there was nothing they could do. I can't quite bring myself to say the way in which he died, as I find it too traumatic but no amount of support or counselling will ever erase what I witnessed. Is it just a case of time passing by and fading/dulling the memories.

[UnsuccessfullyAdulting]

The caretaker turning the lights off comment was beautiful. Much the best way to describe what can sometimes be a horiffic thing to deal with as nearest and dearest. Wishing you some peace, OP.

[Truckingalong]

I do take some crumbs of comfort from the fact that it's over.

I saw the look in his eyes though and the fear & panic, so I'm not sure about not experiencing it. Obviously I have no way of knowing how he felt and I could be projecting.

I'm going to step away from this thread now (despite me starting it!). I just keep re-living it all and I've spent most of the weekend in tears, which isn't typical.

You're all so kind - thank you.

[Squeegle]

Yes, it is apparently normal after a trauma to want to share it step by step to anyone! It seems odd when you look back. I'm sorry for your pain. It must be very hard. As the others said, think of it as a small part of his life. It is much harder to watch others going through pain than it is to experience it yourself- you are in the thick of it and you experience it in a very different way. So please don't be hard on yourself, he is at peace now, try to get the comfort from that. It's over.

[KathyBeale]

I'm really sorry about your dad.

I'm not sure if this is helpful but I once read a thread on here about people who had come close to death and they all said - even when the circumstances were terrifying like car accidents or medical emergencies - that they felt no fear. Perhaps you can take some comfort from that. X

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

for you too, Helmet.

[Helmetbymidnight]

My dad died this summer. I'd say about thirty people have innocently asked me 'how was your summer?' And instead of 'it was great' they've had to listen to a blow by blow account of dads death....

I'm now beginning to think 'a good death' is the exception and on the whole, it's nasty, brutal...not like I've seen in films/expected.

Take good care of yourself op- you're not alone in your pain. I am v much reliving mums death twenty years ago. You lost both parents in quick succession- that's got to be hard. Sucks to be an orphan.

[5BlueHydrangea]

It may be helpful to contact the hospital where he died. The consultant looking after him may be willing to sit with you and go through what happened and why. This can help you get your head around it. I have been with families before (professionally) when this happened and they generally find it useful. It is of course a very personal thing though.

[Truckingalong]

Oh yeah, forgot to say, I'm going to look at Cruse too. Thanks for that suggestion.

[Truckingalong]

I'm strangely relieved to hear that it's not uncommon to want to tell everyone the brutal truth after the event. I remember doing it with gusto, no holds bared, almost wanting people to recoil (rather than the social bonding element mentioned). Within about 5 ish days though, this changed to not wanting to mention the way he died AT ALL. If I even try to say it, the words get stuck and I can't speak at all.
Thanks all for your kind words - it helps more than you know.
As for the ptsd therapy, I don't know whether I want to forget or remember.

[Ginkypig]

Thank you truck. for you too.

I hope your ok truck, all I can say is time does change the severity of how you feel things. It will always hurt but eventually the nice stuff is easier to reach I. Your memories.


Lougle I think that's a good point. As much as you can do and as much as you care as professionals when it comes to the end you guys can work as hard as you like but actually have very little control over what you can do to help.
I (we) thank you for being there to care for the people we love when what we can do is not enough.

Oh and thanks again thumb

[Parisgellar]

So sorry for your loss OP. Your dad will have been so grateful that you were there with him in those last crucial moments. Your presence will have been a great comfort to him. 'Wallowing' as you call it is not a bad thing, you're going through the grieving process and you're right to want to talk about it (albeit without giving details that you don't want to). Virtual hugs OP

[lougle]

I'm so sorry. I'm an ITU nurse and I agree that TV portrays death far from realistically. We try so hard to allow a 'good' death, but sometimes no matter what we do, that can't be achieved.

[CMOTDibbler]

My colleague was alone with her brother when he died traumatically in hospital. She had counselling about 6 months afterwards through the hospice he was going to go to, and although it could never take the pain away, she was able to cope with things a lot better after a few sessions. So keep on with them - it does feel very artificial, but it will help.

[lovetheway]

I had to write seeing this - i had this happen with both my parents, 9 years apart. I can laugh a bit now but even the counsellors i saw were too shocked by the details to be any use. And i didnt want to tell anyone else firstly to protect them and secondly i didnt want to be 'that' person with the tragic life.
It is definitely PTSD and time will take the edges off - but often its learning to live alongside the grief and bad memories.

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

Trucking, please don't feel you are 'wallowing'. You're processing, and that shows you are on the right track.

I agree with previous posters; if you choose to reveal more details, that is perfectly fine, or if you prefer not to that is also fine.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Trucking - that compulsion to tell is normal.

I found something about it a few years ago, after I witnessed a car accident involving a young girl - she flew over my car, pretty much, and was knocked out but luckily survived with a broken leg. ANyway, I was ok for a bit and then so wobbly I couldn't drive home - got in and cried, and then phoned people to tell them. Turns out this is part of the stress response - the hormone oxytocin, one of its functions is for "social bonding", and as it's released in stressful situations, it drives the compulsion to tell people about it, to try and get some social response that might be soothing.

Don't tell anything you don't want to - it's entirely up to you how much or little you reveal, but anything you want to say about it will be treated with kindness and sympathy. x

Oh Ginky - I do see, the poor man! :(

[Truckingalong]

Thanks again to everyone for acknowledging my post. I'm going to go outside for a while and get some fresh air. I don't often allow myself to wallow like this or even think about it at all, as it's just so distressing but occasionally it spills over.

Ginky I'm so sorry for your loss and the trauma that you've all had to endure.

[Ginkypig]

Yes truck I do! It's ten years now and not so much now.
I think it's the brains way of purging the details as they are like a poison we can't recover from.

We won't force you but are here to hear them if you need ok! You can never betray him you know that don't you.

[Truckingalong]

I just can't bring myself to say how. It feels like a betrayal. It was so horrific that it feels too personal to share it. That's so daft isn't it, given that it's anonymous on here but it's how I feel at the moment. Friends IRL know and in fact, in the first few days after it happened, I had this compelling urge to tell anyone in the most graphic of terms how he died - almost like I was trying to shock them. That soon stopped though and I reckon I was in shock myself at the time. Has anyone else ever had that urge?

[Ginkypig]

Thankyou thumb. There was no choice he was never going to recover and he would never in a million years have wanted to live like that. He may have stayed on the ventilation for a couple of weeks until somthing like infection took him but ultimately his body was failing because he also had bacterial meningitis and bacterial pneumonia.
It was awful but I think it was better than the alternative.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Ginky - that's horrendous, I can't understand why they removed the ventilator? My mum wanted to remove hers before she died, but the docs explained that she'd drown in her own fluids and it would be horrific, so they refused (luckily!) So sorry you had to go through that

[Ginkypig]

Belive they would want that*

[Ginkypig]

One way to look at it is yes his death was "a not good death" but that was the tiniest part. Try to focus on the life he had the joy he felt and gave others!
His death is obviously never going to be forgotten by you because you loved him and would never want to see him suffer but it was only one part of his life as a whole don't let it ruin all the other better longer parts of his story and your memories!

My dad had a stroke which affected the signals to his lungs that meant that out of the blue the signal didn't sent and he began to suffocate in front of our eyes. When he was on the ventilator it would kick in and work his lungs but in the end we had to remove the machines so ultimately he had a horrid death. He suffocated to death because his body could not breath for him.
His death was horrific but it's done now and he is free of the pain (is what I have to tell myself)
It's only us (you,me and others) who suffer now. I don't be they would want that for us

I think you may have ptsd or at the very least are finding it hard to cope with the trauma, there is no shame in that but I do feel that even if you think it's silly you should seek out some help to deal with the fallout of this.

Good luck op!

Oh and if you can't share in irl I promise we can bear the details if you need to spew them out only if you feel it would help of course.

[VashtaNerada]

So sorry to hear this Don't assume nobody wants to hear about it though, I would be more than happy to listen to a friend talking about this, no matter how awful it was.