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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Would you take a 5 yr old to a funeral?

46 replies

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 20/03/2015 23:24

... Just that really... I am not sure if a 5 year old would be expected to go or not. (Great grandparent.)

They were quite close etc but I have (luckily) never been to a funeral so don't know what the norm is for children.

What would you do?

OP posts:

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Eva50 · 22/03/2015 15:05

We took ds3, then almost 6, to my mothers funeral. It was fine. I think it was important for him to be with us and have a chance to say goodbye.

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TheRestofmylifeiswaiting · 22/03/2015 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NCIS · 22/03/2015 15:13

I would and I did, to my Mother's funeral. All the grandchildren went, it was never questioned that they would be there regardless of their age. I wouldn't have taken them to a friends funeral but a relative definitely.

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MrsKCastle · 22/03/2015 15:31

I took both DDs to my grandma's funeral. DD1 was 4 and DD2 was still a toddler. It was fine. Neither of them was upset, but then it was a very small service, with noone crying or anything and DH was ready to take them out if necessary. I think it varies a lot, depending on the circumstances. If your DH is very upset, it might be harder for your DC.

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BiddyPop · 26/03/2015 10:22

We did take DD to the "bringing to church" the night before part of all 3 of my DGPs funerals, when she was aged 4-7. She attended the "open house" that afternoon for the latter 2 (circumstances dictated a need to bring her) but didn't view the open coffin (which we'd talked about beforehand and given her an absolute personal choice on).

We didn't actually bring her to the funeral itself on any of the 3. I was not able to contemplate looking after her while being upset myself. In 1 case, I was alone as DH was overseas. DH was at the other 2. But we just felt that it was best for her to not come - but we did give her the choice for the last one (she went to school), the 1st one she was only 4 and the 2nd I was alone.

For the church ceremonies she did attend, she was somewhat used to church anyway, and I had a packet of chocolate buttons in my bag to slowly feed her, a small toy car and a small colouring pad and pencils (regularly used in coffee shops etc at the time). She knew to sit still and quietly, she could play in the seat without disturbing people, and DH was primed to take her out the side door swiftly if she started being noisy or upset.

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PeterParkerSays · 26/03/2015 10:31

We took DS (5) to FIL's funeral last November. DH went in the funeral car, I drove and DS came with me so we had the option to come out to the car if we needed to. DS was a little star, we sat at the back, played with his plastic animals (pick something quiet to take with you), had a few haribo and had a cry and a cuddle on mummy's knee.

People wouldn't say "should I take a child to a Christening?" but to me it's no different, just the other end of life - you are showing him / her how we say goodbye to people who have died and how we remember their lives.

We had a long drive so set off early and had lunch at a park then a run around at the playground before the funeral to burn off energy.

DS suddenly needed a wee as the cortège pulled up though, so I was scrabbling around to get him into the car to follow the other vehicles as DH had to go off in the limousine with the family.

Responsibility for the child goes to whichever parent is not the person who has suffered the bereavement, iyswim. Had my dad died, it would have been DH doing the loo run and driving our car to the crematorium rather than me.

I'm glad we took him.

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PeterParkerSays · 26/03/2015 10:37

One other thing, our car got separated en route to the crem as I couldn't go through a red light with the rest of the cortège, so DS and I went into the crem during the first hymn rather than being there when everyone was standing outside as the coffin was brought out of the hearse and carried in. Apparently some mourners did get really quite upset at that (FIL was Salvation Army so had a flag bearer walking ahead of the coffin and his cap on top of the coffin with the flowers) and I'm not sure how DS would have coped with that, more the number of grown-ups being so upset than seeing the coffin so I'm glad we went in when we did, once the coffin was already in place.

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Hakluyt · 26/03/2015 10:46

I think it depends a lot on the wishes of the people organising the funeral. My mother specifically didn't want her younger grandchildren at my father's funeral, because she didn't want to have to think about how her being upset would affect them. When she died, she was very old and very frail and more than ready to go and while we were sad, nobody was really really upset, if you see what I mean. So her little great grandchildren toddling about all over the place was entirely appropriate.

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Shantishanti · 26/03/2015 10:56

I didn't take my dd to the funeral of a close family friend when she was 4, as I thought she'd find it boring and was worried about other people being disturbed if she asked questions etc. I regret it now, I think it would have helped her understand, and she has asked me lots of times why she didn't go. Children have as much right to grieve as adults, and I don't think excluding them helps.

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AntiquityIsFlaky · 26/03/2015 10:57

We took my then 5 year old to my dad's funeral. He was very very upset and it was healthy for him to see others upset too, to learn that grieving is natural and this is a shared space to do it. He also said afterwards he was happy he learnt some things about grandad he never knew. DH supported him the whole time.

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Ilovenannyplum · 26/03/2015 11:07

I went to my great Nans funeral on Monday, I took my 7 month old, my 11yr old cousin was there and my other cousin took her 9 and 3yr olds.
It was nice to have them there, my nan loved them and it seemed right they went as she would have wanted them there. Plus they lightened the obviously somber mood and met family/people that hadn't seen for a very long time or at all in my DS's case
You know your child better than anymore, obviously funerals are sad and there will be people upset and if you think they'll be ok with that then I would take them.
Sorry for your loss.

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Dowser · 30/03/2015 19:29

Just attended my cousins funeral today with my six grandchildren. Two of them have to be three funerals in the last 18 months and are now 11 and 17.

The others aged 5, 7 and 10 have been to two funerals in 18 months.

They seem to take it in thir stride and at their level it's been a nice little jolly for them with their cousins and other family members, involving a trip away and a stay at a hotel.

They've gotten to see their grandmother ( me) do two readings for both deceased and I hope they see it all as part of life's rich pattern and part of the fabric that we weave with other friends and family

It's been just lovely. I would do it in a heartbeat. Children should be seen and heard and deserve their place at all these celebrations.

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JJJJJJ · 30/03/2015 19:33

I took a 7 year old to a funeral in Ireland - where they are very social occasions - a real celebration of the life of a person, where family and community still come together, walk after the coffin, the body is in the living room prior - people drop in with casseroles and sandwiches for days before and after. My 7 year old was with his cousins, who at the same age had been to as many funerals as they'd been to weddings, christenings, holy communions etc and none of them batted an eye. I wish now that I'd taken my then 4 year old as it was a real special family moment.

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Whatneedstobedone · 30/03/2015 19:54

I just took my 3yo to my father's funeral last week. I hesitated beforehand but I am very glad I did. She sat there beautifully, gave me a cuddle when I felt sad and provided a bit of a focus for lots of elderly relatives afterwards over tea and cake. I think it helped her understand where her grandfather had gone, and we looked at the grave together afterwards. She wasn't sad or confused, just very accepting.

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BarbarianMum · 30/03/2015 22:18

I think it depends on what the chief mourners want tbh. So in this case, any surviving spouse or, if not, children. They may want to grieve without a young audience, or might derive great comfort from her presence or not have strong feelings either way but I think you should ask. Obviously it's you to make the final decision.

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Dowser · 31/03/2015 10:33

Agree . It is a real special family moment. The circle of life. I think it helps children to be more aware, more caring as they grow older.

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Fifis25StottieCakes · 04/04/2015 02:20

On Wednesday i took my 6 year old daughter to my grandmas funeral and she was fine, the service was planned knowing she would be there.He asked my daughter to draw him a picture and he showed it at the beginning. It was only a small funeral as she was 89 and my DM is an only child. I explained it fully, what would happen during the service and that people would be upset. It has really helped taking her as she was very confused asking me where her head was and why i was buying her an outfit (for funeral) when she was dead. I am pleased she went, she did get upset but it seems to have settled her as she was very close to my grandma.

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kent43 · 25/04/2015 21:28

I took my 5 year old and it was fine.

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LuckyBitches · 28/04/2015 16:53

I wasn't allowed to my Nanna's funeral. She died when I was four, and I still feel resentful about it, to be honest. I was sad when she died, and being excluded made it worse.

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crazyhead · 01/05/2015 17:00

I think it depends partly on the behaviour of your child and what you yourself want to get out of the funeral - are you playing an 'official' role as the grandchild? Will you need to be talking to people at the funeral and wake - which will make things hard if you have your child to concentrate on?

I have my Mum's funeral in two weeks :( and won't bring my children (3 and 1) not because of them exactly but because I just can't see how I'll get through it, talk to friends and relatives and support my Dad while also attending to my little ones

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DustyCropHopper · 02/05/2015 23:46

My children are 9, 6 and almost 4. We have decided not to take them to the funeral but they will attend the wake afterwards. My eldest is becomes very upset when anyone else is crying and I feel I need to be fre to grieve that day without fear of distressing him. Ds2 would find sitting still for any length of time difficult so would be stressful with him. We have requested that no one brings children as my dad didn't believe in children being at funerals, that was just his view and we feel we should honour that. He would totally accept mine being at the wake (or grandad's party as they are calling it) though as they will get to hear stories of grandad from family members.