The hateful truth

[Charismac]

Today is the 10 year anniversary of my Dad dying and everyone is understandably sad - except me. In fact the cold hard truth of the matter is that I hadn't even realised that today was the anniversary let alone 10 years. I just don't understand why I am like this? I often feel sad and tearful so I must have the capacity for these emotions and when I become aware of sad situations or other people's experiences, I frequently get that lump in throat sensation. So why, oh why, when it is someone so important to me, do I just accept and move on. All I really feel is guilt that I forgot so I haven't contacted my Mum or my sisters. Guilt that I've never really registered this particular date in my head. Guilt that I am such a self centred person that I didn't think further than my own stresses to how other people might be feeling. So now, writing this, the tears fall but out of self loathing not grief. Its not that I don't care and I do miss him so why?

Charismac - please, be kinder to yourself! You are not weird or hateful or unusual to not remember the 10th anniversary of a loved one's death. It's been 10 long years and I would say it's more unusual to remember the anniversary this long after the person has passed on. Has anyone said anything to you about not remembering the anniversary or are you just piling this misplaced guilt on yourself? I remember the birthdays of close family who have died rather than the date they died, and I remember them fondly - now that years have passed, with a smile and with love rather than with any deep grief. I would hate for those I leave behind to feel grief after a time, and I would certainly hate them to feel guilt for not "grieving deeply enough" 10 years on.

Please be kinder to yourself. There is absolutely no need to keep grieving for those we lose, so long as we remember them fondly and with love.

I always forget dates like this but seem to cope better than my siblings in accepting things in general. My little sister cannot cope with death and it consumes her completely. She obsesses over dates like this and visiting graves. I don't visit graves much and dates don't mean much to me. I feel bad about it too but we are all different

I always forget these kinds of dates. It just doesn't occur to me to remember them. It doesn't mean I don't care though. You are being very hard on yourself imo.

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. It sounds as though your Mum and sisters haven't contacted you either.
You have to feel what you feel and that is all. I bet you remember your Dad in all sorts of ways during the year and that counts for far more than just grieving because today is the day you're supposed to.

Don't be hard on yourself, loss is hard enough. I panicked this year because I remembered my late-DM's birthday at the end of the day of her birthday, and then panicked because I wasn't sure that it was actually her birthday, and then remembered that I did exactly the same thing last year. Feelings ebb and rise when you feel them, diarising a date to feel sad is something you can chose to do or not - I know some people who put it on their calendar so they remember to mark the date as they wouldn't remember it either.

FWIW I can remember the date DM died, it was a notable date on the calendar but right now thinking about it I couldn't tell you the date DF died and that was more recent.The fact that you are feeling bad is an extension of your grief, it is just coming out under a different guise. Sending you and a big unmumsnetty hug.

They don't know that I forgot. My sister posted something on facebook and then I got a text from my other sister offering an ear if needed. I couldn't exactly go back with no I'm fine - I didn't even remember so I just said I'd buried my head in the sand and not thought about it. :-( I do care and I do miss him. I remember his birthday every year but this date just doesn't stick. I almost don't want to remember it because that final image is not the one I want to recall. It's a relief to hear that I'm not alone but I still feel so bad cos the date obviously means a lot to other members of my family. If I was a better person, I'd remember it for them. Thanks though. I'm so glad I wrote this down instead of just letting it consume me.

Thanks Doris and everyone. Mumsnet is just the best!

No, don't feel guilty at all. I can never remember dates of much loved people who've died. Doesn't mean I love them less, and I still sometimes shed a tear for them throughout the year, if something triggers a special memory. I remember their birthdays, but not the dates they died. Those dates have been blocked, I suppose. Maybe that's what you have done?

Late to the thread. But dates mean nothing to me. My mum died in June 1997. I think it was the 18th of June but I'm not 100%. Doesn't stop me missing her every day, dreaming about her regularly, wishing she could have met DD and DNephew. I don't need a date to remind me I lost her when she was too young. It lives with me all the time.

I often feel sad and tearful so I must have the capacity for these emotions and when I become aware of sad situations or other people's experiences, I frequently get that lump in throat sensation. So why, oh why, when it is someone so important to me, do I just accept and move on

This really resonates with me. I lost my dad 4 years ago and my mum is dying from lung cancer. I cry like a baby when I see bad news stories about people I don't know, I can cry for strangers and lots of things on TV bring tears to my eyes, but the things I should cry about just leave me cold and hard hearted.

Both of my parents have died. I always struggle to remember the day my Dad died and only remember my mum because she narrowly missed April fools day.

I never visit their grave.

I'm not selfish or cold, but their death is not an important part of them. I remember their birthdays and the places we spent time together. Their actual deaths are insignificant.

When my Mother died it was a merciful release for her from a life of stress and sadness. In a way I was pleased because I knew she had been reunited with my twin brother and that would have been a time of great joy for her. The exact date doesn't matter to me.

With Dad it was different, he made a new life for himself after divorcing Mum and more people mourned his death. So I do remember the exact date and time he passed on.

I don't visit graves, I cant remember the dates people have died, I don't remember all the birthdays but did I love them? yes, do I miss them? yes, do I think of them at odd times i.e. Whilst in the queue at Sainsburys? yes. Not everyone deals with things the same and that is not a bad thing.

I don't mean to sound rude but what does it matter what day or how long ago he died?
My mum died 20+ years ago (I made an effort not to remember the date as it is unimportant).
It doesn't mean you miss them any less. Don't beat yourself up. Life moves on and you will feel different on different days.

I felt bad because I was the only one who didn't remember but when I think back, I have never been sure of the date. As puddingandpie1 said, it was a relief. He'd been ill for so long and it was a release. My way of coping was to carry on as usual for my LO and I agree with several posts above - the date of his death is not the date I want to remember. Thank you everyone for getting me to look past the guilt and explore why I don't remember the exact date. I resolve not to feel bad about it again!

Thisvehicleisreversing - so now there are 2 of us which means that if this thread ran, there'd probably be several more too. I don't have an answer and it is something that has bothered me for so long. The only thing I can conclude is that it is a way that we have found to cope with things. Maybe our brains have a safety switch and we are the kind of people who just wouldn't cope very well if we had access the full range of emotions. Today I'm in a positive mood (no reason) so now that I know it's not just me who experiences this I going to assume that it is just the way I am and that doesn't make me any less of a person. And, staying positive, I suppose that if we have that safety switch, we are probably people who could cope and possibly take control in a serious/dangerous situation because we could operate without emotion getting in the way (hopefully won't need to test that one!)