Today is the 10 year anniversary of my Dad dying and everyone is understandably sad - except me. In fact the cold hard truth of the matter is that I hadn't even realised that today was the anniversary let alone 10 years. I just don't understand why I am like this? I often feel sad and tearful so I must have the capacity for these emotions and when I become aware of sad situations or other people's experiences, I frequently get that lump in throat sensation. So why, oh why, when it is someone so important to me, do I just accept and move on. All I really feel is guilt that I forgot so I haven't contacted my Mum or my sisters. Guilt that I've never really registered this particular date in my head. Guilt that I am such a self centred person that I didn't think further than my own stresses to how other people might be feeling. So now, writing this, the tears fall but out of self loathing not grief. Its not that I don't care and I do miss him so why?
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