Has bereavement made me a horrible person?

[Lostforaname]

My teenage stepdaughter died last summer after a very difficult and distressing illness. She lived with us full time. Since then I have been supporting my husband and stepson, both of whom have manifested grief in different ways. We also have two small children, one of whom was born just before the death. Obviously I have also been coming to terms with it all but my feelings are secondary to theirs. We are now dealing with quite challenging behaviour from my stepson too.

I am not very good at talking about things much but had a group of friends with small children who I saw every week. We all talked about our lives and I thought they were close friends, one in particular, who I saw a lot. I have been very depressed recently and sent them all an email apologising if I had been acting oddly or upset any of them. I got back a reply, presumably on behalf of them all, telling me they basically don't want to spend time with me, that I am exhausting and self centred and lots of other things beside. I had no awareness that they felt like this and no awareness that I was acting like that either. I was always interested in what they had to say and their lives.

I am devastated. I have asked other friends if this is true and not one says they experience me like that, but I see less of them. My behaviour is dated back to after my stepdaughter died. This is incredibly painful. Have I turned into a monster? My other friends say the email is vile and cruel and untrue, but I can't shake the words from my head.

[frostyfingers]

Utterly inexcusable behaviour on their part. They should be ashamed of themselves, and I hope that at some point the penny drops and they realise how badly they have behaved.

I'm glad you're beginning to feel a bit better.

[Lostforaname]

Thank you, both of you.

We did meet as first time mums, Chicken. I thought our friendship was more than that, but clearly not.

The pills are starting to work now, and absolutely everyone I have talked to about it thinks that they have behaved dreadfully, and said really nice things about me, so I am beginning to recover. I am glad to be on this side of things, as I can't imagine being like that to a friend, and I would feel awful about myself.

It has been very comforting here in the vipers' nest.

[teddybears]

You have my sympathy op, I don't know why people do this.
My brother died at Christmas, a very close friend (or ex friend now!) has only contacted me once since then and that was to give a poor excuse as to why she couldn't attend a memorial.
I had another close friend, she lost a baby a few years ago, I supported her through it, listened to her, was her shoulder to cry on and she has only contacted me a couple of times since Christmas, hasn't contacted me recently and I've noticed she has defriended me on facebook. I don't know why.
We both know we're better without these people but it still hurts.

[AChickenNamedDirk]

OP.
I am sorry for your loss and wish you well for your SDs bday today. X

I'm shocked at this. The pack mentality mentioned seems about right to me. Are these all first time mums with small babies on mat leave ?
I've seen this kind of behaviour where anything to burst the bubble of the world of these type of mums, anything that's not how they are = unpleasantness.

As for the less involved friend getting angry with you- that's appalling. No excuse for that.

My thoughts are with you.

[Lostforaname]

Sorry. I don't intend to have any more contact with them other than, I assume, accidental meetings.

[Lostforaname]

I'm so sorry you had the same experience. It is good to hear you feel better now.

I did reply, apologising. I d

[ilovefrozenthenewfilm]

I am sorry for your loss & just wanted to share a similar 'friend' experience. I too once got a text from a friend dissecting my character. It really shook me & cut me to the core, I over thought it all & the words stayed with me for ages.

But deleting it, cutting them out & reversing it to remember that emailing someone their faults, weakness or mistakes is disgusting.

You are better than any of these friends, if it makes you feel better you could reply.

Something along the lines of I was apologising for being a distant friend after the sad & tragic death of my SD but I won't apologise for who I am.

I am sorry you have decided you don't like my character, I wish you all well.

Or just delete & it will hurt for a time, but it will fade...

[ParsingFlatly]

[Lostforaname]

And a hug back to you too, RedBaron. I'm sorry you went through this too.

[Lostforaname]

Thank you very much.

It's my stepdaughter's birthday today. Last year was very difficult as she was so ill, and it was very obvious it would be her last one. Celebrating her turning 14 was so hard knowing that she wouldn't get any older. Today feels more restful but also so sad.

[user301204]

I'm so sorry for your loss and what has come after. I lost a friend in similar circumstances, somebody I thought of as a "best friend" and I am still devastated by it. But I try to remind myself of the following quote which I hope may help you...."you can never lose real friends. Only people masquerading as friends and you are better off for it". Hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong. People act crazy in the face of grief, often because they don't know how to deal with it. Sending you big hugs. Xx

[Lostforaname]

She was cross with me because she was preparing for a job interview and it distracted her. But she also thought I was trying to bring her into it all, which I really wasn't. But she was stressed so I can understand why she got angry.

[Backinthering]

Someone was angry with you when you sent an apology email? Why on earth??
Your poor woman, they have treated you appallingly. They sound horrible.

[ParsingFlatly]

The more you say, the less of a loss these these eejits sound...

So glad you've got things in hand for a bit of support. Hope things get a bit easier now you've got rid of the people dragging you down.

[Lostforaname]

Thank you, all. And MinMooch, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm worrying that I've made them sound so bad. I think they were trying to distance themselves from me, which is what made me send the email. I though my depression was annoying them, but I hadn't realised to what extent. The one I used to see lots of had very obvious been avoiding me for weeks, other than in group situations, and I wanted to know what I could do to put that right.

It's odd people should talk on here about losing their mothers young. The same happened to me when I was 16, and I think it did put a big strain on my friends at the time. But they talked to me about it and we recovered. Weird that they could do that as teenagers and yet women in their 40s find it so hard. I'm so sorry others have gone through similar things.

I think three out of the four definitely feel the same way. The fourth I think less so but she got very angry with me when I sent the email apology so I am assuming she will also stop talking to me.

I do find myself looking back and realising all the times, for months, that they were all avoiding me, with various excuses, and I feel such an idiot for not realising. I just took them at their word.

I have been to my rather lovely GP and have been on antidepressants for a short while, so hopefully they will kick in soon. And also I am trying to think of the positives. The dynamic had been stressful for a while so at least I don't have to worry about it any more. And the friends I do still have are solid, I'm sure of that. We're also thinking of moving next year to somewhere else, which we thought of before, but didn't want to leave our friends. Now maybe it's time to think of it.

I am so grateful for the support on here. Thank you.

[FiveExclamations]

I'm going to join in the chorus. What a horrible, mean spirited, shallow, weak, self centered bunch of madams.

Is there a Queen Bee in the group that may have suggested or written the e-mail and everyone else is just yes womaning along? Something similar happened with a group of my friends and it was one person projecting her issues onto everyone else. She wrote a letter to the person who had pissed her off saying we were all angry and deserved an apology. I managed to make it clear to both parties that it was nothing to do with me without making the ruck worse but there was a definite "Oh fuck, can I just run away?" moment when I first found out.

Even if that is the case it's still one madam and a bunch of wimps you are better off without, even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

[AMumInScotland]

Your boss is right, they are being a pack of bitches.

I'd also consider the possibility that the 'friend' who decided to email you is the 'alpha bitch' of the pack, and the others are to some extent choosing to follow her lead instead of thinking for themselves. They may disagree with her but be too uncomfortable to say anything, or they may be too dumb and weak-willed to even realise that they are just 'copying' her feelings.

It's also quite possible they feel uncomfortable about you and what you've gone through, because thinking about illness and death of a child is unpleasant, so they 'project' their feelings of discomfort onto you rather than the situation. Being around you makes them uncomfortable, therefore it is your fault. It couldn't possibly be their fault, in their minds, because they are decent people. So it must be you. And they'd rather avoid you than face the way it makes them feel.

All of that doesn't excuse them the tiniest bit, but maybe it helps to see that it is a fault in them rather thanyou?

Of course you are thinking and talking about your loss, and true friends (even colleagues) can see and accept that and tell you that you are not at fault. Believe them. They know you.

These others are 'mummy friends' who you happen to have fallen in with because you have children of similar ages. They are 'fairweather friends' and the weather changed for you. They don't like to be reminded that the world can be a nasty place.

[SadEyedLady]

I don't often comment on threads, but yours really touched me, and is sadly very familiar. I lost my mum at age 20, while at university – I didn't grieve very well at the time, but a couple of years later, when I went by myself to a strange town to do a masters degree, I fell into a pit of depression the like of which I hope never to experience again. With counselling I managed to pull myself together, only to have my two best friends ( who I realised had been cold shouldering me a bit) sit me down and basically tell me they didn't want to be my friend, that I'd 'changed', that I was 'no fun any more'. We had been best friends since school, so for 13 years by this point. I was utterly devastated (I had to leave the restaurant in tears and go home), it was another bereavement in a way. My DP (now DH), Dsis and other friends could not see this change they spoke of, other than passing through a period of understandable depression. I learned the hard lesson that some people really are only your fair-weather friends – when the going gets tough, they bail. It really sucks, I am so sorry for you. Seven years on from this, I have made new, good friends, but I am still sad that friends who I shared such a chunk of history with are no longer in my life. But that was their choice, and their weakness would have come to light another way, I am sure of it. It will get better, but really, it's not you. ( I too, though I had turned into a terrible person).

[minmooch]

Your so called friends have been anything but friends. What a bunch of vile women. They are not strong at all, they are weak - they cannot show compassion at a truly devastating time of your life. They cannot see the sorrow of your grief alongside the delight of a newborn.

I am sure you are doubting yourself but please do not. You are stronger than the lot of them put together. I lost my 18 year old son in February. I know the strength it takes me to get up each and every day, get dressed, face the world, keep going for my other son, find ways to honour my eldest son, laugh, live. It is exhausting.

Those women are vile and despicable. Their actions scream of selfishness and weakness.

You are one strong amazing woman and don't let them make you feel otherwise.

In the 5 months since I lost my son, and actually all the way through his 27 month fight with brain cancer, I found out who were my real friends and who were not. On top of everything else you have had to go through its a hard lesson to learn. But now I have nothing to do with those who could not offer even simple friendship at a harrowing time. I am secure in the love and strength if my real friends and family around me. And I won't accept that shit from anyone else who comes into my life now.

for you.

[Amaxapax]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom died very suddenly when I was nineteen. A few months later, back at uni, a group of friends sat me down and told me that they found it too difficult to be around me, and that they felt they couldn't talk about their own mothers without feeling guilty.

I don't doubt that I was difficult to be around; I was drinking too much and I was tearful sometimes. But I think their comments were more about their own discomfort with the situation and their fear about that kind of thing happening to them.

I remained friends with those girls, but I distanced myself a bit, and certainly never talked about my feelings about my mom when they were around. I just considered my friendship with them to be more superficial. In these kinds of difficult circumstances, you just have to look after yourself and your family before anyone else.

[Trooperslane]

Fuckers from me too.

I also agree with the pp that bereavement does make you less likely to put up with any bullshit.

So, these 'friends' think that it's ok to ignore you, drop you and send a horrific, nasty email at the end of the year when

• your dsd DIED
• you had another baby
• you have been supporting your presumably devastated DH and dss and other child

You know what, I think they've done you a favour.

Even IF (and I'm sure you weren't) you had been awful and nasty to them, the thing to do would be to back off from you.

There is absolutely no reason to send that nasty bitchy 'we all hate you' email

I am seething on your behalf.

I'm so sorry for your loss

[sunbathe]

Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through.

If they had something to say, they could have found a gentler way of expressing it.

What made you email them in the first place?

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I think everyone can be self centred sometimes. Its allowed!

What really makes them bitches is the way in which they have told you. They could have easily told you in a nicer way if thats what they really thought, but they chose not too. They are not your friends, real friends would tell you in a more compassionate way and say that they know you've been through a lot.

I would find some new baby groups, make some new friends for you and your DD. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry these women were so heartless.

[ParsingFlatly]

Oh Lost, I just want to hug you.

Of course you're allowed to feel bad when someone's been horrid to you! No that isn't you being self-centred! It's being normal!

You said in your OP you'd been depressed. Are you getting any help for that at the moment?

[Baddderz]

Pack of bitches is right.
And until they are bereaved themselves they will have no idea what you are going through.
They should all be ashamed.
Pack mentality at its worst.
Ime these groups of random women that we try and forge friendships with on the sole basis that we have children a similar age never end well...or just sputter to a natural end.
Move on, op.
You don't need people like this in your life.
X